Passive aggression: what to do if he doesn’t offend you, but it hurts. What to do with attacks of aggression in men

This site already has a text about, called. This important topic, for today, so I touch on this topic again. Below is an excerpt from the book by T. Vasilets:

“As long as male aggression is mostly an unconscious force and therefore does not have one hundred percent direction, it represents a hellish cauldron, closed with a heavy lid of immaturity.

Indirect, hidden aggression is expressed in the lack of open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in indecision, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies.

Passive aggression is a chronic failure to comply with contracts in time and in substance. and promises, putting things off from day to day, strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality - “You’re making it up,” “You’re doing it wrong,” etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answering questions, avoiding the topic proposed by the interlocutor.

A passive-aggressive man resorts to these techniques out of fear of being dependent, fear of competition and emotional intimacy. “As a result, he often finds himself in bad mood, presenting himself as a victim and blaming you,” — writes Wetzler. In this case, men exhibit hidden hostility towards women, denial of responsibility for male social functions and distortion real facts for this purpose.

S. Wetzler highlights a man’s question addressed to his woman, characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior: “Why should I do something for you?” This is the same as: “Why am I the man and not you? Why should I shake hands with you and not you with me? Why should I take you in my arms at the wedding ceremony, and not you – me? Why should I propose marriage to you, and not you to me?”

In life, this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression; it has not yet been exposed public consciousness. This is not yet widely discussed, like, for example, the dangers of smoking.

Passive aggression thrives as a socially tolerated form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply penetrates into all areas of human relationships, therefore it is especially toxic and destructive for both business and any interpersonal contacts.

Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.

The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? A passive-aggressive man is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”

Here are two examples from S. Wetzler’s numerous observations of the manifestations passive aggression for men:“...He makes you doubt yourself... “You were wrong about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. This is exactly why I started a diary. Yes, 1pm suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Call me if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” How can you not lose your temper!

Wetzler writes: “One woman told me that her husband painted half the window frames in their bedroom and has been promising to finish the job for two years. When guests ask why the frames are gray and white, she replies: “The phone rang.” For years she has tried to use a sense of humor to suppress her irritation and disappointment, but the unfinished work is always before her eyes.”

Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose mental needs were not satisfied. The personality of any person - man or woman - contains both masculine and feminine properties. Their internal content is heterogeneous - they consist of parts, certain substructures, each of which performs inner world human certain functions.

The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity as a powerful protective force. As he becomes an adult, he remains painfully dependent both on his real mother and on the image of the mother that has formed in his personality.

Carrying this maternal image within himself as the only well-functioning defense mechanism, a man looks for the same figure in the women he meets - this is how he childishly strives for security. Such a man strives for women who are “saviors” or “administrators.” This dependence leads the passive-aggressive man to depend on many external objects, including social structures providing "care".

healthy men's strategy is that a woman should be conquered in inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats.

He suffers from a painful dependence on the assessments of others, an obsessive need for acceptance on their part, especially on the part of women. At the same time, he seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He may also devalue many things that are significant to him. This is how the desire to gain masculine strength, freedom and independence is distortedly reflected in the behavior of an immature man.

Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.

The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? ...A passive-aggressive man... is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”

Any man has natural aggression from the very beginning. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a kind of internal “bomb”. And if this “bomb” resides in the area of ​​the unconscious, that is, while male aggression is not conscious and its vector is not yet directed towards defense, it, being suppressed (passive) or manifested openly in the form of an explosion, is capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and and the world around him.

A mature man differs from a passive-aggressive man in that he is in contact with his natural masculine aggression and knows how to use it purposefully to protect the feminine and children's worlds, to protect his interests and the interests of those for whom he took responsibility.

Women do not imagine what a long and difficult path a man must go through from his dear, irreplaceable, caring mother and embark on a path of trials completely different from the one she has traversed, where it is no longer possible to use either maternal experience or advice. From this point of view, it can be noted that a girl should try to be like her mother, while a boy should learn to be different from her.

Rough male power, being uninitiated, paradoxically, leads men to self-doubt, isolation and alienation from their own feelings. This alienation leads to a loss of contact with the “female part of the personality” - with the world of the Soul, where not only feelings live, but also the inspiring and healing powers of his “Inner Woman” that are so necessary for any man are stored. Separated from their Soul, men seek contact with it through numerous contacts with real women.

A man who grew up in conditions of a deficiency of male protection and an exaggerated maternal principle has infantile (immature) masculinity, from which both he and himself suffer. modern society generally. And since many men from childhood receive a distorted, surrogate feminine, depressed and depressed, on the one hand, and on the other, overloaded with the masculine traits of the mother, then such a man would rather win or destroy than protect the woman. The insecure female part of the male personality turns on hypermaternal functions for its protection. He gets stuck at the stage of separation - separation from the parental family.

Such stuckness can take not only the form of depression, alcoholic or drug addiction, but also look like neurotic nihilism (denial of any values, norms, rules), or results in frequent changes of places of work and residence. A man can unconsciously express this protest through a series of unsuccessful marriages, tirelessly fighting with his wives instead of defeating the suppressive feminine aspect within himself.

Men who are not mature enough unconsciously perceive women with hostility and/or caution. It seems to them that having won their recognition from women, they should either separate, free themselves, since the woman is unconsciously perceived primarily as a controlling mother, or beat them in competition, if the woman is unconsciously perceived as a sister.

From letters to Samprosvetbyulleten: “The man’s behavior worries me. He treats my cat rather rudely. At first in words, then he began to throw her off the sofa and tries to kick her when she passes by,” writes Marina.

“What behavior in a man indicates that he may be aggressive in the future? The young man got angry that I didn’t want to do as he had planned and threw the car keys on the floor with all my might...” writes Anastasia.

“...having gone through bad experiences in the past, now I’m afraid of making mistakes. “to be sure that he will not raise his hand against me,”- Olga asks.

Aggressive behavior of a man

In my work, I often encounter the phenomenon that women, observing the first manifestations of aggressive behavior on the part of a man, do not attach any significance to what happened. But a man’s behavior does not arise out of nowhere and has its own causes and consequences.

Women who came to me about problems of aggression and violence on the part of their husbands recognized that the man showed signs of aggression before marriage, but they did not pay attention or did not understand what consequences such behavior could lead to. According to my observations, women who were previously married to an alcoholic husband and were subjected to violence and humiliation, and who have developed the attitude “as long as I don’t drink,” are especially vulnerable. Having met a man who is socially more successful and not susceptible to alcoholism, they are more tolerant of his shortcomings, which at first seem insignificant.

According to American researchers, severe aggression and violence occur in 1 out of 14 marriages. Women show aggression mainly in self-defense or when they are forced to do something. Men use aggression to get their way.

Aggression can be open or hidden

Open aggression can manifest itself:

IN physical fitness: blows, attacks, pushes.
In communication: offensive words, nicknames, ironic statements.
In facial expressions and movements: offensive gestures, contemptuous grimace.
In cruelty to children and animals, breaking dishes and other objects.

Hidden aggression can manifest itself:

In actions that emphasize that the interlocutor is not noticed.
In communication: slander, slander; words, evoking feelings guilt, ignoring questions.
In facial expressions and movements: avoidance of direct gaze, gloomy facial expression in response to a smile.

Aggression is a sign of a limited and one-sidedly developed personality, insufficiently developed skills for dealing with anger. Often men who are prone to aggression are depressed, may have personality disorders, irrational thoughts and negative attitudes, have low self-esteem and a strong desire for power.

Even if a person does not show aggression overtly, it colors his speech, thoughts and actions. Therefore, a man capable of aggression and violence can be identified at the dating stage. Even if you meet through, you can recognize the signs of an aggressive man at the stage.

Signs of behavior in a man prone to aggression

1. Increased sensitivity and impatience if something does not happen as expected. In this case, a person very easily gets offended or loses his temper.
2. Constantly assures you of something and makes promises: "I swear honestly, I’m not exaggerating, I’m telling the truth, I promise.”
3. Often gives you and other people definitions and diagnoses: “You only need money,” “my ex was hysterical.”
4. Uses threats: “if you don’t do this, then I will do this...”
5. He often teases sarcastically, uses ridicule, ironic statements, and is generally inclined to be sarcastic.
6. Likes to gossip, retelling negative information.
7. Conducts a dialogue with himself, asks you questions and answers them himself.
8. Uses exaggeration and understatement in speech.
9. Tends to control: “Why didn’t you respond to the SMS right away?”
10. Blames other people for his problems.
11. Jealous and suspicious without reason.
12. Quick to get closer and get married. Research has shown that many men who used domestic violence entered into marriage quickly, impulsively and under the influence of intense romantic infatuation.
13. Alcohol and drug abuse.
14. There was violence in the parents' family.

Pickiness in dating right choice men are the guarantee happy relationship in future. We always have only those relationships that we choose ourselves. Read about which women attract men who are prone to violence and how to behave with such men.

Good luck to you and see you soon on the pages of Samprosvetbyulleten!

This in itself is unpleasant, not only for those around them who are suddenly plunged into negativity, but also for the aggressors themselves. In fact, among the latter there are not so many clinical scoundrels who derive pleasure from splashing out violent emotions on other people or objects. Normal people are also capable of such outbursts, but they then experience remorse, try to make amends for their guilt and at least try to control themselves. Aggression is especially destructive in men; the reasons may turn out to be so far-fetched and strange that the presence of a problem becomes obvious to all participants in the situation.

Types and types of male aggression

It is worth immediately noting that negative emotions splashing out are not exclusively a male prerogative. Women are just as capable of being aggressors; they do not monitor their actions and words. The paradox is that male aggression is partly considered socially acceptable. Of course, extreme manifestations are condemned, but at the same time there are many justifications for such a phenomenon as aggression in men. The reasons can be very diverse - from competition to health conditions.

There are two main types of aggression that are easily defined even by non-specialists:

• verbal, when negativity is expressed in shouting or openly negative language;
• physical, when there are beatings, destruction, attempted murder.

With auto-aggression, negativity is directed at oneself and manifests itself in all sorts of destructive actions. The motto of this type of aggression is: “Let it be worse for me.”

Psychologists classify what we are considering into several types according to the following criteria: method of manifestation, direction, causes, degrees of expression. Self-diagnosis in this case is practically impossible, since in most cases the aggressor seeks self-justification, does not see and does not want to see the problem, and successfully shifts the blame to others.

Verbal aggression

The external manifestations of this type of aggression are quite expressive. This may include angry screaming, swearing and cursing. They are often supplemented by gestural expression - a man can make offensive or threatening gestures, shake his fist, or swing his arms. In the animal world, males actively use this particular type of aggression: whoever growls loudest declares himself as the owner of the territory; outright fights come about much less often.

However, verbal aggression in men, the reasons for which can lie both in mental health and in social pressure, is not so harmless. It destroys the psyche of those who are forced to live nearby. Children get used to an abnormal pattern of communication and absorb the pattern of their father’s behavior as the norm.

Physical aggression

An extreme form of aggressive behavior, when a person moves from shouting and threats to active physical actions. Now this is not just a threatening fist swing, but a blow. A man is capable of causing serious injuries even to those closest to him, breaking or breaking personal belongings. Man behaves like Godzilla and destruction becomes his main goal. It can be either a short explosion, literally just one blow, or a long-term nightmare, which is why aggression in men is considered the most dangerous. The reasons given are varied - from “she provoked me” to “I’m a man, you can’t make me angry.”

When wondering how permissible this is, it is best to take the Criminal Code as a guide. It is written there in black and white that causing bodily harm of varying degrees of severity, attempted murder and intentional damage to personal property are all crimes.

Features of unmotivated male aggression

We can conditionally divide manifestations of rage into motivated and unmotivated. It is possible to understand and partially justify aggression shown in a state of passion. This is often called "righteous anger." If someone offends this man’s loved ones, encroaches on their life and health, then an aggressive response is at least understandable.

The problem is such attacks of aggression in men, the causes of which cannot be calculated at first glance. What came over him? I was just a normal person, and suddenly they changed me! This is roughly what witnesses to sudden unmotivated rage that erupts in any form, verbal or physical, respond to. In fact, any action has a reason, explanation or motive, they just don’t always lie on the surface.

Reasons or excuses?

Where is the line between reasons and justifications? An example is the phenomenon of aggression between men and women. The reasons are often the most common attempts to justify oneself, to shift the blame onto the victim: “Why did she stay late after work? She’s probably cheating, she needs to be shown a place!”, “I didn’t have time to serve dinner, I need to teach a lesson” or “Allows herself to show dissatisfaction, provokes aggression."

Behind such behavior there may be personal hatred towards to a certain person, and banal misogyny. If a man seriously considers women to be second-class citizens, then is it surprising that he receives malicious attacks against them?

However, outbursts of aggression may not occur because the man is simply an evil type. In addition to far-fetched excuses, there are also those based on serious factors that can be identified and eliminated.

Hormonal background

A significant proportion of aggressive manifestations are due to hormonal imbalance. Our emotions are largely determined by the ratio of the main hormones; a deficiency or excess can lead not only to violent outbursts, but also to severe depression, a pathological absence of emotions and severe psychiatric problems.

Testosterone is traditionally considered a hormone not only of sexual desire, but also of aggression. Those who are especially harsh are often referred to as “testosterone males.” Chronic deficiency leads to increased dissatisfaction and makes a person predisposed to negative manifestations. Outbursts of aggression in men, the causes of which lie precisely in hormonal imbalance, must be treated. To do this, tests are taken to measure hormone levels, and the disease that led to the disorders is identified. Symptomatic treatment in this case brings only partial relief and cannot be considered complete.

Middle age crisis

If such cases have not been observed before, then sudden aggression in a 35-year-old man can most often be associated with the age of maximalism being left behind, and the man begins to weigh whether everything is really decisions made were correct, was it not a mistake. Literally everything comes into question: is this the right family, is this the right woman, is this the right direction in one’s career? Or maybe it was worth going to another institute and then marrying someone else, or not marrying at all?

Doubts and hesitations acute sensation missed opportunities - it all shakes nervous system, reduces the level of tolerance and sociability. It begins to seem that there is still time to change everything in one jerk. Everyone around seems to have conspired and does not understand this emotional impulse. Well, they can be put in their place by force, since they do not understand good. Fortunately, the midlife crisis passes sooner or later. The main thing is to remember that periods of despondency are normal, but this is not a reason to ruin your life.

Retirement depression

Second round age crisis catches up with men after retirement. Women most often endure this period easier - a significant part of everyday worries remains with them. But men who are accustomed to their profession as a central part of their life’s plot begin to feel unnecessary and abandoned. Life stopped, the respect of others turned off along with receiving a pension certificate.

Aggression in men over 50 years of age is closely related to attempts to shift responsibility for a failed life onto others. At the same time, objectively, the man who suddenly caught the demon in the rib is all right, but there is a certain dissatisfaction. At the same time, all sorts of health problems, overwork, lack of sleep can be added - all these factors aggravate the situation. Aggressive attacks begin to seem like a natural reaction to everything that happens.

Psychiatry or psychology?

Who should I go to for help - a psychologist or straight to a psychiatrist? Many men are afraid of their aggressive impulses, fearing, not without reason, that they will do something irreparable. And it is very good that they are able to relatively soberly assess their actions and seek help from professionals. Who deals with such a phenomenon as aggression in men? The causes and treatment are in the department of the psychiatrist exactly until he confirms that according to his profile the patient does not have any problems. This is precisely the correct approach to treatment with such a specialist: you can safely make an appointment without fear that you will be “called crazy.” A psychiatrist is first and foremost a doctor, and he first checks whether the patient’s psyche is affected by some completely physical factors: hormones, old injuries, sleep disturbances. The psychiatrist can recommend a good psychologist, if the patient does not have problems that require drug treatment.

The first step to solving the problem

In many ways, the strategy for solving a problem depends on who exactly makes the decision. Aggression in a man... What should a woman do who is next to him, lives in the same house with him, and is raising children together? Yes, of course, you can fight, convince, help, but if the situation develops in such a way that you have to constantly endure assault and risk losing your life, it is better to save yourself and save the children.

The best first step for a man is to admit there is a problem. It’s worth being honest with yourself: aggression is a problem that needs to be dealt with first of all by the aggressor himself, and not by his victims.

Possible consequences of aggression and comprehensive work on oneself

We have to admit that in places of deprivation of liberty there are often prisoners who have precisely this vice - unreasonable aggression in men. Reasons require elimination, but excuses have no force or weight. It is worth pulling yourself together, but not relying only on self-control. If outbursts of rage are repeated, then the reason may lie in a hormonal imbalance. This may be overwork, depressive symptoms, as well as social pressure, an unbearable rhythm of life, age-related changes, some chronic diseases. Seeing a doctor is the right step to help you cope with destructive behavior. Separate reasons from excuses, this will help outline the initial plan of action, and soon life will sparkle with new colors.

So what could constitute hidden forms of aggression? Basically, when we pronounce the word “aggression,” we focus on its external forms, manifested in causing harm to animate or inanimate objects.

Aggression(from Lat. aggressio - attack) - motivated destructive behavior that contradicts the norms (rules) of coexistence of people in society, harming the objects of attack (animate and inanimate), causing physical harm to people or causing them psychological discomfort (negative experiences, state of tension , fear, depression, etc.) / (Psychological Dictionary. A.V. Petrovsky M.G. Yaroshevsky).

The topic “Aggression” is one of the phenomena I study in conflict management and psychotherapy. The term itself - “Hidden aggression” - essentially suggests that:

1. The individual “does not realize” that he himself is the source of aggression.
2. When both: the aggressor and his victim “have no idea” about the destructiveness of this relationship.
3. When the object towards whom aggression is manifested does not perceive it as aggression, or another object is mistakenly (or as a result of deliberate misrepresentation) perceived as the source of aggression.
4. The individual exhibits tendencies towards self-destruction of his psychophysical status, also through provoking a destructive reaction from external objects or an object.
5. Aggression is a source of movement, expansion, retention.

So, let's try to sort everything out in order, and let's start with how it happens that a person has no idea about the true source of aggression - which it is. “We will destroy the whole world of violence - to the ground, and then...”, - and then millions of dead and the emergence of a new state - with its own ideology, idols and, again, a great fall - carried on the shoulders of a fanatical group of people. It feels like this group He looks at people through the lens of his consciousness, keeping in focus the idea already drawn in his imagination, and everything that falls into the background is, at best, perceived as something unimportant. Sometimes, this takes on its extreme manifestations - "everyone who is not with us is against us", - and then: one death is a grief, and millions are statistics. Persons with a paranoid personality are susceptible to such forms of thinking - and how many of these are there around us? They are literally breathing down their necks and they strive and strive to get into the Soul... Eh, if only there was a machine gun, the world would breathe more freely, finally freed from these despots, with serious, unsmiling faces... - and here it is a new world - filled with the aromas of flowers and joyful, toothless passers-by... One day my daughter, coming home from school, told me a joke: “Once upon a time there were two girls, one kind and the other evil. The evil girl always offended the good girl. And so, the good girl took an ax and hacked the evil girl to death.”. And the truth of this joke is this: good always triumphs over evil!!!

At one time, psychologists conducted an experiment with newborn kittens (in my opinion, if my memory serves me correctly, described by Piaget). One kitten was placed in a room with only vertical lines, the other - with horizontal lines. About six months later, the kittens were taken out into the light of day and the one who lived in the world vertical lines, came across everything that was horizontal, and the kitten, who grew up in a “horizontal world,” accordingly did not see what was vertical: the leg of a chair or table, the corner of a wall, etc. Researchers have concluded that the brain perceives the world by comparing what is inside with what is outside. And this: a neural trace - imprinted into the brain - as a result of what was once seen... Paying attention to what has already been written: “go there, I don’t know where, bring me something, I don’t know what”— in this context, implies stupor, or aimless movement, since there are no markers of what is being sought in the consciousness. And returning to persons with a paranoid organization, we can say that the way they perceive the world is similar, as if they were looking at their own reflection, projected outward by their consciousness, attributing their feelings, thoughts, secret motives to others. This dialogue with the world is, in fact, communication and struggle with oneself - as one of defense mechanisms, saving such a person from realizing his own - real, and not invented and idealized inner world.

So, Nancy McWilliams, in his book: “Psychoanalytic Diagnostics” (issue 49; p. 269) writes: "... The malevolence and threatening qualities of many paranoid individuals prompted speculation that one of the contributions to the paranoid orientation is high degree internal aggression or irritability..." What kind of cabbage is used to grow a paranoid personality? The answer will be a quote from the same book. Nancy McWilliams on page 274 writes: "Clinical practice suggests that a child who grew up paranoid suffered from serious defeats of his own reality (power); more precisely, he was subjected to repeated suppression and humiliation ..." And further: "... Borderline and psychotic paranoid individuals tend to come from a tough home, where family relationships criticism and ridicule predominate, or where one child, the future victim of paranoia, is a scapegoat - a target for the hatred of family members and the projection of qualities, especially those categorized as weakness..."

In "Transactional Analysis" Eric Burna a paranoid personality can be described as a functional model, manifested in such instructions as “don’t get close” and, accordingly, scenario decisions: "I will never trust anyone again", "I will never be close to anyone again", "I will never be sexual with anyone". That is, manifested in the rebellion of the inner “Child” - the introjects of the “Critical Parent”, and the “Adult” contaminated (contaminated) with these hypostases.

How to behave with such a person? Probably, don’t stand in his way, but if you do, then have the courage to take on the full power of his indignation. And if this is a low-functioning paranoid person, then, at most, he will try to inflict domestic injuries on you if you have touched upon his innermost beliefs. Or, at least, in the firmament of his consciousness, another celestial object will appear - violating the harmony of the “universe” with the name: “Asshole”... If this is a highly functioning “individual” - at five in the morning, people in black will knock on your door and invite you ride in a black funnel...

But if you find mutual language with a paranoid person and stand with him on the barricade shoulder to shoulder, then rest assured: under dense machine-gun fire, your friendship will be sealed with blood! And at the mass grave, on holidays, your comrade in arms will give a speech... and there will be fresh flowers.

(to be continued)

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Around each of us there are people with whom relationships are more like a roller coaster.

Sometimes we can have a casual conversation with them, and sometimes we unexpectedly encounter their isolation and even hostility. What is the reason for this behavior?

According to American psychologist Harriet Lerner, aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the most timid and calm person cannot claim that he has never shown aggressive emotions in public. Indeed, in reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to take by storm traffic jams, “burning” projects and intractable partners. But there are forms of it that are difficult to identify, and therefore difficult to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most subtle and destructive.

Recognizing the aggressor

Passive-aggressive behavior is a behavior in which passive resistance to the opponent’s negative remarks is expressed and the person achieves his goals. People who prefer passive-aggressive communication will not openly oppose what they do not like. They have accumulated tension that requires release, manifested through refusal to perform any action. This behavior becomes aggressive due to the fact that “no” is not expressed explicitly, but passively. Here are the most common settings.

"I am not angry"
Denying feelings of anger is classic passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of being honest about their negative feelings and explaining what exactly caused them, the person will continue to say, “I’m not angry.” Although at this time an emotional storm of almost global proportions may occur inside.

"Good let it be your way"
Sucking and avoiding a direct answer or arguments is another classic version passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of saying that you don’t like something and giving your counterarguments, a person withdraws and responds with the standard “good” or “as you say, so it will be.” Thus, anger is expressed in indirect ways and the door to open dialogue is closed.

“Yes, I’m coming already!”
This point requires no explanation. Just try to call your child to clean the room, do homework, wash the dishes, sit down to eat something not very good tasty dish. How many times will he need to be called? And in what tone will he say “I’m coming!” for the tenth time? However, not only children, but also adults do this if they really don’t want to do what they are called to do. Thus, they postpone the inevitable at least for a while.

"I didn't know what you meant to do now"
This phrase is one of the favorites among procrastinators (from the English procrastination - delay, postponement, from the Latin procrastinatus - the tendency to constantly “put off until later” unpleasant thoughts and deeds. In other words, procrastinators are people who are slow in making decisions, to put it simply modern language, "brakes". If a person is given a task that he does not really want to do, he will put off completing it by everyone accessible ways. Accordingly, if he is asked whether he has already completed the assigned task, the excuse will be standard: “I didn’t know that you meant to do it now!” This phrase means that this task is unpleasant for a person and he is unlikely to quickly complete it even after the nth reminder. And that this task definitely makes him angry.

"You want everything to be perfect"
When constant procrastination is no longer suitable, a person finds another option - blaming the person who gave the task. The student did not have time to complete homework- the teacher is to blame for wanting everything to be perfect. The employee has exceeded the limit of funds allocated for the project - the employer is to blame for demanding ideal results for such little money, etc.

"I thought you knew"
With this phrase, a person expresses his hidden aggression through the conscious concealment of information that could help. Usually such concealment is carried out by petty dirty tricks or those who like intrigue. They didn’t show the letter, didn’t say about the call - any little thing could be used. There was a conflict or embarrassment, but it turns out that you should have known about that annoying little thing that led to all this. How, you didn’t know?! And I thought (thought) that you know...

"Of course I would be happy"
This phrase is preferred primarily by customer service representatives, telephone operators, or clerks who handle paperwork. They can smile at you as much and as sweetly as they want. They may promise that your case will be considered first, but most likely, the more persistently you insist on urgency, the further the resolution of the issue will be pushed back. To the point that your papers may end up in trash can marked “Refuse”. It is unknown why, but very often people whose job it is to accept papers consider themselves almost the center of the Universe and think that the positive outcome of your case depends only on them.

“You did everything so well for a person with your level of education (qualification)!”
This phrase can already be classified as dubious compliments. Very often it is said by those who want to offend you and cause unpleasant emotions. And at the same time, bribes from them are smooth: they didn’t offend you, but gave you a compliment!

"I was only joking"
Sarcasm is another option to covertly express your aggression towards a person. You can say something nasty, and then immediately back down: “I was only joking!” And then any sharp response from the person at whom the aggression was directed can be turned against him, saying that he has absolutely no sense of humor. Really, don't you understand jokes?

“Why are you so upset?”
After the above rude joke a person may wonder why his interlocutor is so upset. In fact, he will specifically ask his question in this or another obvious situation, after which it would be strange not to be upset. This way, he will get hidden pleasure from throwing you off balance again.

What is the way out of all these situations? If you feel that they are trying to anger you with such phrases, simply do not react to them: this is a banal provocation in a hidden form.

The "Phantom Threat" Theory

The word "passive" in Latin means "suffering." Passive aggression really hits its source as much as the person it is directed at. It becomes the basis for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of being rejected, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of facing one’s own and other people’s emotions. This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only he puts it in “decent” forms: he avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, as if he hangs up a sign “I’ve gone into myself, I won’t be back soon.” And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still turn a blind eye to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both - the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself.

Psychoanalysts believe that at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this “disease”. After all, society instructs us to be soft and non-conflict. And under the pressure of the stereotype of femininity or fear of losing a relationship, aggression takes hidden forms.

It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand: this type of behavior also destroys relationships with dear people, and his own body. Probably, best way out- try to survive internal pain and mistrust. Or you will have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and give up the idea of ​​intimacy.

The main traits of a passive aggressor:

* he puts things off for later until it is too late;

* does not keep promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy;

* denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty;

* expresses his position unclearly, “mixes his tracks”;

* does not show attention: does not call, does not write SMS;

* sends contradictory signals: for example, he talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.

* Never apologizes.

4 confrontation strategies

1. Recognize the signals of passive-aggressive behavior in advance: this is procrastination, ignoring, keeping silent, avoiding discussing a problem, gossip.

2. Do not give in to provocations. The subconscious goal of a passive aggressor is to make you angry. If you feel yourself starting to boil, try calmly expressing the negative: “I won’t shout because it will only make the situation worse.”

3. Point out to the passive aggressor the anger he is experiencing - such people ignore this particular emotion. The opinion must be supported by a specific fact, for example: “I think you are angry with me now because I asked you to do this.”

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