Having worked for many years in the IT field, namely serving clients, solving their needs with phones, computers, home honey servers, video surveillance, I was faced with completely different tasks. Today a small note in the section humor just about clients, bosses and specialists who do everything.
It’s not uncommon for clients to set tasks that are practically impossible to accomplish. Yes, precisely in the field of IT technologies there are practically no impossible tasks, but there are impossible tasks within certain limits. Eg:
- I want software for a media server based on AppleTV within a week. The software component must be written in AppleScript. The staff of programmers is 2, and they spend 80% of the time doing other, no less important things.
- Make video surveillance from five cameras for $100
- I want fast Internet outside the city, I don’t want to pay a lot for satellite Internet.
This request is best described by the video I found on the Internet. It has everything:
- Management who cannot understand why the project cannot be implemented. Also, management puts pressure on the specialist because they think he is stupid.
- A client who wants the impossible and insists on it, thinking, like management, that the specialist is stupid.
- A specialist who is trying with all his might to convey to both the former and the latter that this is, in principle, impossible.
Enjoy watching.
For those who watched the video and noticed the actors’ performance, I can offer a design selection that supposedly solves the problems set out by the client.
In this version, everything is of course good, but not all lines are perpendicular to each other. There are parallel ones, but again, there is a funny kitten :)
In this version, it is not clear what is meant by “Transparent lines”. 3 lines are perpendicular to the other 4 lines. those. the condition that all lines are perpendicular to each other is not met. And as in the first option, there is no kitten :)
The solution is very interesting in its unconventionality, because the condition does not say that the lines should not bend. But there’s a problem with the green ones...
To me, this is the best option. Much more beautiful and clearer than the previous one, and it seems that all the conditions have been met.
As always, I will be glad to hear your opinion in the comments.
At a meeting that took place on Tuesday, employee Petrov's brain was removed. It was then divided into portions and placed on plates. After the procedure, everyone sat down at the table and began to eat it, showing their approval. And it began:
We received a proposal to implement the project. The goal of the project is to present several red lines. This project means a lot to our organization. Are you ready to take on such loads? – employee Markovyeva addressed her colleagues.
“Of course,” Nedozaytsev quickly answered. This was the director, who at any moment could take on the burden of solving a problem of any complexity. After all, one of the employees will have to deal with it. And he continues: Surely we can?
In response to the director’s question, the head of the drawing department, Sidoryakhin, quickly nods his head:
Certainly! We have an expert in drawing red lines. His name is Petrov. He is among us right now. He was invited specifically on this issue to express his opinion.
Here again Markovyeva takes over the baton, beginning to introduce another employee: You know me, of course. But among us there is a design specialist. Her name is Lenochka.
The girl Lenochka begins to blush and feel embarrassed. She recently graduated from economics. And it has nothing to do with design.
So,” Markovieva continued, “this order is as follows: you need to draw 7 red lines perpendicular to each other. In addition, there should also be several transparent and green lines among them. Is this doable, do you think?
No,” answered specialist Petrov.
Let's not rush to a conclusion. We have been given a task, and we must solve it!” Sidoryakhin interrupted him. - After all, you are a professional, so don’t give us any reason to doubt it.
Understand that red lines should only be depicted in red, and not in green or any other color. This is simply impossible,” explains Petrov.
How can I understand you, Petrov? Why is it impossible? – Sidoryakhin asks indignantly.
There is a possibility that some part of the audience for this project will consist of people who suffer from color blindness. It won't matter to them what color the lines are. But I’m not sure that the main part of our project consists of precisely such people. – Petrov answers.
But from your words, we understand that this is possible, right? – asks Markovieva.
Here Petrov realizes that he exaggerated a little with the description.
Understand that a line can be depicted in absolutely any color. But to get a red line, you need to use exclusively red colors, he replies.
Are you confusing us? You just said the opposite, didn't you?
Petrov mentally begins to punish himself for his talkativeness.
You misunderstand me. There are cases when the color of the line does not matter. But such cases are extremely rare. Do you understand? But even in such situations the line will not be exactly red. You see, it won’t! It will have a different color, but not red. This is what I wanted to explain to you.
After Petrov’s explanations, there was a pause. The tense and nervous atmosphere was clearly felt in her.
Then suddenly the director gets an idea.
What if we draw these lines in blue?
“Nothing will come of it,” Petrov replies. – Then the lines will be blue.
There is another pause in the conversation, but Petrov decides to interrupt it and asks.
I have a question. You said something about transparent lines. What did you mean?
Markovyeva looked at Petrov like a teacher at a weak student.
What don't you understand? You have no idea about the concept of “transparent”?
Of course I have.
What about the concept of “red line”?
You see. If you know everything, then what's the problem? Just draw us these red lines transparent color.
Here Petrov froze. After thinking about the situation, he asks a question.
Okay, now you tell me what the result will be? Can you describe it to me?
Petrov, don’t forget! You are our red line specialist, not Markoveva. Let's not make a fuss here kindergarten.
I'm trying to figure out some details of this assignment...
Here director Nedozaytsev interrupts him...
What don't you understand? After all, you know the concept of “red line”?
What about “transparent”?
Of course, but...
So what other explanations do you need? Let's not get into useless arguments. The task is simple and understandable. If anyone has specific questions, please ask them.
After all, you are a professional,” says Sidoryakhin.
Okay,” Petrov agrees, “we’ve sorted out the color.” What other conditions?
According to the instructions, all lines must be perpendicular,” Markovieva answers.
Perpendicular to what? – asks Petrov.
Here Markovyeva begins looking through the documents.
How can I tell you?... Well... Probably perpendicular to everything and to each other. I understand that you should know, because you are an expert in this matter.
Of course, he knows,” Sidoryakhin interjects. Are we professionals or not?
How is this possible? After all, only two lines can be perpendicular to each other, but not seven. There is proof of this rule in the 6th grade geometry course.
Markovyeva waves her head, not paying attention to Petrov’s remark. And Nedozaytsev hits the table with his hand:
How do you understand this, Petrov? What does "6th grade" mean? Let's not bring our dialogue to the point of humiliation. We must be polite to each other in order to achieve results. After all, we are not stupid people.
“I agree with your opinion,” says Sidoryakhin.
Petrov takes a sheet of paper and says:
Let's try to draw these lines now? Let's draw one line. Now another one. Is the second line perpendicular to the first?
Yes, it is perpendicular to the first one.
Here you go! – Markoveva says joyfully.
Take your time, I'm not finished yet. Here's the third line. Is it perpendicular to the first?..
There was silence in the room, but Petrov decided to answer himself:
Of course it is perpendicular to the first line, but not the second. The third line is parallel to the second.
There is complete silence in the room. Markovyeva gets up and approaches Petrov from behind. He looks at the drawing over his shoulder and says uncertainly:
Probably yes. You're right.
This is the problem. Only two lines can be perpendicular. But if their number increases...
Before she can finish her story, Petrova interrupts Markovev and asks for a pen. Hesitantly draws three lines and asks:
Is this option possible?
Sighing heavily, Petrov answers:
This is a triangle. It only has three lines, not seven. And they are not perpendicular.
Markovyeva thinks, and Nedozaytsev asks a question:
Tell me, why are the lines blue?
Really, why are they blue? – Sidoryakhin connects to the director.
“So I just demonstrated a drawing with a blue pen,” Petrov answers.
It will be the same,” Petrov answers confidently.
But why? How can you be sure of something you haven't tried yet? Try it and then we'll see.
“I didn’t take a red pen with me,” Petrov said. - But I am confident...
You knew where you were going. Why weren't you prepared? – Sidoryakhin indignantly asks Petrov.
I can tell you with confidence that the same thing will happen with a red pen,” Petrov says disappointedly.
No, Petrov, you yourself told us that red lines should be depicted exclusively in red, and not in any other color. Well, I even wrote down your words. Do you paint in blue, or do you think it’s red?
That’s it,” Nedozaytsev emphasizes. – I also asked you about this. What did you answer me?
Suddenly Helen intervenes in the conversation. She looked at the drawing with interest.
“I think I understand what you want to say,” says Lenochka. - After all, now we're talking about not about color, right? Is there something about this perpend?
Absolutely right, perpendicularity of the lines, says Petrov. – In this matter, the color of the lines does not matter.
Now I’m completely confused,” says Nedozaytsev, looking at both employees. – So what’s the problem anyway? With color or with lines?
Markovyeva shakes her head, thereby showing her confused state.
And with this, and with that,” Petrov says quietly.
“I don’t understand anything,” says Nedozaytsev, examining his hands and clasped fingers. - We have a task. It consists of drawing only seven red lines. Not twenty, but only seven. It's simple after all. Customers asked for only seven perpendicular lines. So?
Markovyeva nods her head.
So the head of the department doesn’t see the problem either,” continues Nedozaytsev. - Really, Sidoryakhin? So what's the problem? What is stopping us from completing the order?
Geometry - Petrov answers.
And try not to pay attention to her! – says Markoveva.
Petrov stands silently and collects his thoughts. But there is no way to collect them together. Vivid metaphors appear in his head. With their help, of course, it was possible to convey the essence of what was happening, but alas, they all begin with the word “Fuck!” Unfortunately, it will be inappropriate in this conversation.
Petrov, why are you silent? Just answer the question facing you - will you fulfill the order or not? I get the impression that you are not a professional in your field. We have been discussing the same issue for two hours and can’t come to a conclusion.
Indeed, adds Sidoryakhin. – So far you have only criticized and said “Impossible!” Any fool can criticize! And you can offer us some solutions to the problem. Show what a professional you are, excuse the expression.
Let's try this, says Petrov, I will draw two perpendicular lines in red, and the other five will be transparent. They won't be visible, but I'll draw them. Will this option suit you?
Lenochka, will this option suit us? – asks Markovyova, “Yes, it will suit you.”
Could you do a couple of lines? green, says Lenochka. – I have a question, may I?
Yes,” Petrov answers.
Is it possible to draw one line in the form of a kitten?
What? – Petrov asks the question after a short pause.
In the form of a kitten. The fact is that our users really like animals. It would be very...
No, says Petrov.
But why?
Of course, I’m not an artist, but I can try to draw a cat. But this is not a line. It's a cat. These are completely different things.
Markovyeva intervenes in the conversation.
Not a cat, but a small, pretty kitten. Cats, they...
There is no difference, says Petrov.
Can't you? – asks the disappointed Lenochka.
“You didn’t even listen to the end,” the irritated director intervenes. - And immediately say “no.”
“I understood the idea,” says Petrov, lowering his head. – It is impossible to draw a kitten as a line.
No, no, says Lenochka. - And you can’t have a bird?
Petrov said nothing and silently looked up at her. Helen understood everything.
No, that’s not the case,” Lenochka repeated.
So what have we come to? What are we deciding? – asks Nedozaytsev.
We need to draw seven red lines. Of these: two are green, two are red and three are transparent. Am I right?
That’s right,” Sidoryakhin confirms, even before Petrov tried to open his mouth.
Great,” says the director. - That's all? Maybe someone else has questions?
Oh, another question,” Lenochka recalls. - And we have balloon Red! Can you fool him?
Nedozaytsev turns to Petrov and asks:
Can we do this, Petrov?
Does the ball have anything to do with me? – asks Petrov with a surprised face.
But it’s red,” says Lenochka.
Petrov sits stupidly silently at the table and trembles his fingertips.
So will you answer the question, Petrov? – Nedozaytsev is nervous. -Can you do this or not?
In principle, I can do this, but... - Petrov says carefully.
We agreed,” said Nedozaytsev. - Go to them and inflate the balloon. If you need travel allowances for this, we will arrange it.
Will it be possible to do this tomorrow? – asks Markovieva.
Of course, no problem,” the director replied. - That's it? Amazing. Well done. Everybody's Free. Goodbye!
Petrov sat for a few more seconds to return to reality. He gets up from the table and slowly walks towards the exit. But Lenochka catches up with him and asks:
“I have one request for you,” says Lenochka, blushing. - Can you inflate a balloon in the shape of a kitten?
Taking a deep breath, Petrov answers:
I'm a professional! I can do anything! – Petrov answered.
Petrov came to the meeting on Tuesday. There they took out his brain, put it on plates and began to eat it, smacking their lips and generally expressing all sorts of approval. Petrov’s boss, Nedozaytsev, prudently distributed dessert spoons to those present. And so it began.
“Colleagues,” says Morkoveva, “our organization is faced with a large-scale task. We have received a project for implementation in which we need to draw several red lines. Are you ready to take on this task?
“Of course,” says Nedozaytsev. He is a director, and is always ready to shoulder a problem that someone from the team will have to bear. However, he immediately clarifies: “We can do this, right?”
The head of the drawing department, Sidoryakhin, nods hastily:
- Yes of course. Here Petrov is sitting with us, he’s ours best specialist in the red line drawing area. We specifically invited him to the meeting so that he could express his competent opinion.
“It’s very nice,” says Morkoveva. - Well, you all know me. And this is Lenochka, she is a design specialist in our organization.
Helen blushes and smiles shyly. She recently graduated from economics, and has the same relationship to design as the platypus has to designing airships.
“So,” says Morkoveva. — We need to draw seven red lines. All of them must be strictly perpendicular, and in addition, some need to be drawn in green, and others - transparent. Do you think this is real?
“No,” says Petrov.
“Let’s not rush to answer, Petrov,” says Sidoryakhin. “The problem has been set, and it needs to be solved. You're a professional, Petrov. Don't give us any reason to think that you are not a professional.
“You see,” explains Petrov, “the term “red line” implies that the color of the line is red. Drawing a red line with green is not exactly impossible, but very close to impossible...
— Petrov, what does “impossible” mean? - asks Sidoryakhin.
- I'm just describing the situation. There may be some colorblind people for whom the color of the line really wouldn't matter, but I'm not sure that the target audience your project consists exclusively of such people.
- That is, in principle, this is possible, do we understand you correctly, Petrov? - asks Morkoveva.
Petrov realizes that he has gone too far with imagery.
“Let’s put it simply,” he says. — The line, as such, can be drawn in absolutely any color. But to make a red line, you should only use red.
- Petrov, don’t confuse us, please. You just said that this is possible.
Petrov silently curses his talkativeness.
- No, you misunderstood me. I just wanted to say that in some extremely rare situations, the color of the line will not matter, but even then, the line will still not be red. You see, it won’t be red! It will be green. And you need red.
There is a short silence, in which the quiet tense buzz of the synapses can be clearly heard.
“What if,” Nedozaytsev says, struck by an idea, “we draw them in blue?”
“It still won’t work,” Petrov shakes his head. - If you draw in blue, you get blue lines.
Silence again. This time he is interrupted by Petrov himself.
- And I still don’t understand... What did you mean when you talked about lines of transparent color?
Morkovyova looks at him condescendingly, like a kind teacher at a lagging student.
- Well, how can I explain it to you?.. Petrov, don’t you know what “transparent” is?
— And what is the “red line”, I hope you don’t need to explain it either?
- No, don't.
- Here you go. You draw us red lines with a transparent color.
Petrov freezes for a second, thinking about the situation.
— And what should the result look like, please describe it? How do you imagine that?
- Well, Petro-o-ov! - says Sidoryakhin. - Well, let's not... Do we have a kindergarten? Who is the red line specialist here, Morkoveva or you?
“I’m just trying to clarify the details of the task for myself...
“Well, what’s incomprehensible here?” Nedozaytsev interjects into the conversation. - You know what a red line is, right?
- Yes, but...
- And what is “transparent”, is it clear to you too?
- Of course, but...
- So what should I explain to you? Petrov, let’s not descend into unproductive disputes. The task has been set, the task is clear and precise. If you have specific questions, please ask.
“You’re a professional,” adds Sidoryakhin.
“Okay,” Petrov gives up. - God be with him, with color. But do you have something else with perpendicularity there?..
“Yes,” Morkoveva readily confirms. — Seven lines, all strictly perpendicular.
— Perpendicular to what? — Petrov clarifies.
Morkovyova begins to look through her papers.
“Uh-uh,” she says finally. - Well, kind of... Everything. Between themselves. Well, or whatever... I don’t know. I thought you knew what perpendicular lines there are,” she finally found it.
“Yes, of course he knows,” Sidoryakhin waves his hands. —Are we professionals here, or not professionals?..
“Two lines can be perpendicular,” Petrov explains patiently. — All seven cannot be perpendicular to each other at the same time. This is geometry, 6th grade.
Morkovieva shakes her head, driving away the looming ghost of a long-forgotten school education. Nedozaytsev slams his hand on the table:
— Petrov, let’s skip this: “6th grade, 6th grade.” Let's be mutually polite. Let's not make hints or descend into insults. Let's maintain a constructive dialogue. It's not idiots gathered here.
“I think so too,” says Sidoryakhin.
Petrov pulls a piece of paper towards him.
“Okay,” he says. - Let me draw it for you. Here's the line. So?
Morkovyova nods her head affirmatively.
“We’re drawing another one...” says Petrov. — Is it perpendicular to the first one?
- Yes, it is perpendicular.
- Well, you see! - Morkoveva exclaims joyfully.
- Wait, that's not all. Now let's draw the third... Is it perpendicular to the first line?..
Thoughtful silence. Without waiting for an answer, Petrov answers himself:
- Yes, it is perpendicular to the first line. But it does not intersect with the second line. They are parallel to the second line.
There is silence. Then Morkovyova gets up from her seat and, rounding the table, comes in from behind Petrov, looking over his shoulder.
“Well...” she says hesitantly. - Maybe yes.
“That’s the point,” says Petrov, trying to consolidate the success achieved. — As long as there are two lines, they can be perpendicular. As soon as there are more of them...
- Can I have a pen? - asks Morkoveva.
Petrov hands over the pen. Morkoveva carefully draws several uncertain lines.
- And if so?..
Petrov sighs.
- It's called a triangle. No, these are not perpendicular lines. Besides, there are three of them, not seven.
Morkoveva purses her lips.
- Why are they blue? - Nedozaytsev suddenly asks.
“Yes, by the way,” Sidoryakhin supports. - I wanted to ask myself.
Petrov blinks several times, looking at the drawing.
“My pen is blue,” he finally says. - I just wanted to demonstrate...
“It will turn out the same,” Petrov says confidently.
- Well, how about the same? - says Nedozaytsev. - How can you be sure if you haven't even tried? You draw red ones and we'll see.
“I don’t have a red pen with me,” Petrov admits. - But I can absolutely...
“Why weren’t you prepared,” Sidoryakhin says reproachfully. - We knew there would be a meeting...
“I can absolutely tell you,” Petrov says in despair, “that in red it will turn out exactly the same.”
“You yourself told us last time,” Sidoryakhin retorts, “that you need to draw red lines in red.” Well, I even wrote it down for myself. And you draw them yourself with a blue pen. What do you think these are, red lines?
“By the way, yes,” notes Nedozaytsev. - I also asked you about Blue colour. What did you answer me?
Petrov is suddenly saved by Lenochka, who studies his drawing with interest from her place.
“I think I understand,” she says. “You’re not talking about color now, are you?” Are you talking about this one, what do you call it? Perper-something?
“The lines are perpendicular, yes,” Petrov responds gratefully. — It has nothing to do with the color of the lines.
“That’s it, you’ve completely confused me,” says Nedozaytsev, looking from one meeting participant to another. - So what is our problem? With color or with perpendicularity?
Morkoveva makes confused sounds and shakes her head. She was confused too.
“With both,” Petrov says quietly.
“I can’t understand anything,” says Nedozaytsev, looking at his clasped fingers. - Here is a task. You only need seven red lines. I understand that there would be twenty of them!.. But here there are only seven. The task is simple. Our customers want seven perpendicular lines. Right?
Morkoveva nods.
“And Sidoryakhin doesn’t see the problem either,” says Nedozaytsev. - Am I right, Sidoryakhin?.. Well, there you go. So what is stopping us from completing the task?
“Geometry,” Petrov says with a sigh.
- Well, just don’t pay attention to her, that’s all! - says Morkoveva.
Petrov is silent, collecting his thoughts. In his brain, colorful metaphors are born one after another that would allow him to convey to those around him the surrealism of what is happening, but as luck would have it, all of them, when put into words, invariably begin with the word “Fuck!”, completely inappropriate within the framework of a business conversation.
Tired of waiting for an answer, Nedozaytsev says:
- Petrov, will you answer simply - can you do it or you can’t? I understand that you are a narrow specialist and do not see big picture. But it’s not difficult to draw some seven lines? We’ve been discussing some nonsense for two hours now, but we can’t come to a decision.
“Yes,” says Sidoryakhin. “You just criticize and say: “Impossible!” Impossible!" You offer us your solution to the problem! Otherwise even a fool can criticize, pardon the expression. You're a professional!
Petrov wearily says:
- Fine. Let me draw you two guaranteed perpendicular red lines, and the rest in a transparent color. They will be transparent and will not be visible, but I will draw them. Will this suit you?
- Will this suit us? - Morkovyova turns to Lenochka. - Yes, it will suit us.
“Just at least a couple more - in green,” adds Lenochka. - And I have another question, is it possible?
—Can one line be depicted as a kitten?
Petrov is silent for a few seconds, and then asks again:
- Well, in the form of a kitten. Kitten. Our users love animals. It would be great…
“No,” says Petrov.
- And why?
- No, of course I can draw you a cat. I'm not an artist, but I can try. Only it won’t be a line anymore. It will be a cat. A line and a cat are two different things.
“Kitten,” Morkoveva clarifies. - Not a cat, but a kitten, so small and cute. Cats, they...
“It doesn’t matter,” Petrov shakes his head.
“Not at all, huh?..,” Lenochka asks disappointedly.
“Petrov, you should at least listen to the end,” Nedozaytsev says irritably. - You haven’t listened to the end, and already say “No.”
“I get the idea,” Petrov says without looking up from the table. — It is impossible to draw a line in the shape of a kitten.
“Well, there’s no need then,” Lenochka allows. “Won’t you get a bird too?”
Petrov silently looks up at her and Lenochka understands everything.
“Well, don’t do it then,” she repeats again.
Nedozaytsev slams his palm on the table.
- So where are we? What are we doing?
“Seven red lines,” says Morkoveva. — Two are red, and two are green, and the rest are transparent. Yes? Did I understand correctly?
“Yes,” confirms Sidoryakhin before Petrov can open his mouth.
Nedozaytsev nods with satisfaction.
- That’s great... Well, that’s it then, colleagues?.. Are we parting ways?.. Are there any other questions?..
“Oh,” Lenochka recalls. - We still have a red balloon! Tell me, can you fool him?
“Yes, by the way,” says Morkoveva. “Let’s discuss this right away too, so we don’t have to meet twice.”
“Petrov,” Nedozaytsev turns to Petrov. -Can we do this?
- What does the ball have to do with me? - Petrov asks in surprise.
“It’s red,” explains Lenochka.
Petrov is stupidly silent, trembling his fingertips.
“Petrov,” Nedozaytsev asks nervously. - So can you do it or can’t you? It's a simple question.
“Well,” Petrov says cautiously, “in principle, of course I can, but...
“Okay,” Nedozaytsev nods. - Go to them, cheat them. We will write out travel allowances, if necessary.
- Tomorrow can be? - asks Morkoveva.
“Of course,” Nedozaytsev answers. - I think there will be no problems... Well, now we have everything?.. Great. We worked productively... Thank you everyone and goodbye!
Petrov blinks several times to return to objective reality, then gets up and slowly walks towards the exit. At the very exit, Lenochka catches up with him.
- Can I ask you one more thing? - Helen says, blushing. - When you inflate the balloon... Can you inflate it in the shape of a kitten?..
Petrov sighs.
“I can do anything,” he says. - I can do absolutely anything. I'm professional.
Dear members of the “Communities”!
Thank you for being with us all these years: loving and criticizing, supporting and advising. We will continue to develop the Communities project as a platform for the exchange of opinions of HR professionals. All “Groups” information will be available for reading in view mode.
Petrov came to the meeting on Tuesday. They took out his brain, put it on plates and began to eat it, smacking his lips and generally expressing all sorts of approval. Petrov’s boss, Nedozaytsev, prudently distributed dessert spoons to those present. And it began.
Colleagues, says Morkoveva, our organization is faced with a large-scale task. We have received a project for implementation, within the framework of which we need to draw several red lines. Are you ready to take on this task?
Of course,” says Nedozaytsev. He is a director, and is always ready to take on a problem that someone from the team will have to bear. However, he immediately clarifies: “We can do this, right?”
The head of the drawing department, Sidoryakhin, nods hastily:
Yes, of course. Petrov is sitting with us, he is our best specialist in the field of drawing red lines. We specially invited him to the meeting so that he could express his competent opinion.
“Very nice,” says Morkoveva. - Well, you all know me. And this is Lenochka, she is a design specialist in our organization.
Helen covers herself with paint and smiles embarrassedly. She recently graduated from economics, and has the same relationship to design as the platypus has to the design of airships.
So, says Morkoveva. - We need to draw seven red lines. All of them must be strictly perpendicular, and in addition, some must be drawn in green, and some others must be transparent. Do you think this is real?
No, says Petrov.
Let’s not rush to answer, Petrov,” says Sidoryakhin. - The problem has been set, and it needs to be solved. You are a professional, Petrov. Don't give us any reason to think that you are not a professional.
You see, Petrov explains, the term “red line” implies that the color of the line is red. Drawing a red line with green is not exactly impossible, but very close to impossible...
Petrov, what does “impossible” mean? - asks Sidoryakhin.
I'm just outlining the situation. There may be people who are colorblind for whom the color of the line really won't matter, but I'm not sure that the target audience of your project consists exclusively of such people.
That is, in principle, this is possible, do we understand you correctly, Petrov? - asks Morkoveva.
Petrov realizes that he has gone too far with imagery.
Let’s put it simply,” he says. - The line, as such, can be drawn in absolutely any color. But to make a red line, you should use only red color.
Petrov, don’t confuse us, please. You just said that this is possible.
Petrov silently curses his talkativeness.
No, you misunderstood me. I just wanted to say that in some extremely rare situations, the color of the line will not matter, but even then, the line will still not be red. You see, it won’t be red! It will be green. And you need a red one.
There is a short silence, in which the quiet tense buzz of the synapses can be clearly heard.
“What if,” Nedozaytsev says, struck by an idea, “we draw them in blue?”
It won’t work out anyway,” Petrov shakes his head. - If you draw in blue, you will get blue lines.
Silence again. This time he is interrupted by Petrov himself.
And I still don’t understand... What did you mean when you talked about lines of transparent color?
Morkoveva looks at him condescendingly, like a kind teacher at a lagging student.
Well, how can I explain it to you?.. Petrov, don’t you know what “transparent” is?
And I hope you don’t need to explain what the “red line” is?
No, don't.
Here you go. You draw us red lines in a transparent color.
Petrov freezes for a second, thinking about the situation.
And what should the result look like, please describe it? How do you imagine this?
Well, Petro-o-ov! - says Sidoryakhin. - Well, let's not... Do we have a kindergarten? Who is the red line specialist here, Morkoveva or you?
I'm just trying to clarify the details of the task for myself...
Well, what’s incomprehensible here?.. - Nedozaytsev intervenes in the conversation. - You know what the red line is, right?
And what is “transparent”, is it clear to you too?
Of course, but...
So why should I explain to you? Petrov, well, let's not stoop to unproductive disputes. The task has been set, the task is clear and precise. If you have specific questions, please ask.
“You’re a professional,” adds Sidoryakhin.
Okay,” Petrov gives up. - God be with him, with color. But do you have something else with perpendicularity there?..
Yes,” Morkoveva readily confirms. - Seven lines, all strictly perpendicular.
Perpendicular to what? - Petrov clarifies.
Morkoveva begins to look through her papers.
Uh-uh,” she says finally. - Well, kind of... Everything. Between themselves. Well, or whatever... I don’t know. I thought you knew what perpendicular lines there are - finally there it is.
“Yes, of course he knows,” Sidoryakhin waves his hands. -Are we professionals here, or not professionals?..
Two lines can be perpendicular,” Petrov patiently explains. - All seven cannot be perpendicular to each other at the same time. This is geometry, 6th grade.
Morkoveva shakes her head, driving away the looming ghost of a long-forgotten school education. Nedozaytsev slams his palm on the table:
Petrov, let’s skip this: “6th grade, 6th grade.” Let's be mutually polite. Let's not make hints or descend into insults. Let's maintain a constructive dialogue. These are not idiots gathered here.
“I think so too,” says Sidoryakhin.
Petrov moves a piece of paper towards him.
Okay, he says. - Let me draw it for you. Here's the line. So?
Morkoveva nods her head affirmatively.
Let’s draw another one... - says Petrov. - Is it perpendicular to the first one?
Yes, it is perpendicular.
Well, you see! - Morkoveva exclaims joyfully.
Wait, that's not all. Now let's draw the third... Is it perpendicular to the first line?..
Thoughtful silence. Without waiting for an answer, Petrov answers himself:
Yes, it is perpendicular to the first line. But it does not intersect with the second line. They are parallel to the second line.
There is silence. Then Morkoveva gets up from her place and, going around the table, comes in from the rear of Petrov, looking over his shoulder.
Well... - she says uncertainly. - Probably, yes.
That’s the point,” says Petrov, trying to consolidate the success achieved. - As long as there are two lines, they can be perpendicular. As soon as there are more of them...
Can I have a pen? - asks Morkoveva.
Petrov hands over the pen. Morkoveva carefully draws several uncertain lines.
And if so?..
Petrov sighs.
This is called a triangle. No, these are not perpendicular lines. Moreover, there are three of them, not seven.
Morkoveva purses her lips.
Why are they blue? - Nedozaytsev suddenly asks.
Yes, by the way,” Sidoryakhin supports. - I wanted to ask myself.
Petrov blinks several times, looking at the drawing.
“My pen is blue,” he finally says. - I just wanted to demonstrate...
It will turn out the same,” Petrov says confidently.
Well, how about the same? - says Nedozaytsev. - How can you be sure if you haven’t even tried? You draw red ones and we'll see.
“I don’t have a red pen with me,” Petrov admits. - But I can absolutely...
“Why weren’t you prepared,” Sidoryakhin says reproachfully. - We knew that there would be a meeting...
“I can absolutely tell you,” Petrov says in despair, “that in red you will get exactly the same thing.”
“You yourself told us last time,” Sidoryakhin retorts, “that we need to draw red lines in red.” Well, I even wrote it down for myself. And you draw them yourself with a blue pen. What do you think these are, red lines?
By the way, yes,” notes Nedozaytsev. - I also asked you about the color blue. What did you answer me?
Petrov is suddenly saved by Lenochka, who studies his drawing with interest from her place.
“I think I understand,” she says. - You’re not talking about color now, right? Are you talking about this one, what do you call it? Perper-something?
Perpendicularity of the lines, yes,” Petrov responds gratefully. - It has nothing to do with the color of the lines.
That’s it, you’ve completely confused me,” says Nedozaytsev, looking from one meeting participant to another. - So what are our problems? With color or with perpendicularity?
Morkoveva makes confused sounds and shakes her head. She was also confused.
With both,” Petrov says quietly.
“I can’t understand anything,” says Nedozaytsev, looking at his clasped fingers. - Here is a task. You only need seven red lines. I understand that there would be twenty of them!.. But here there are only seven. The task is simple. Our customers want seven perpendicular lines. Right?
Morkoveva nods.
And Sidoryakhin doesn’t see the problem either,” says Nedozaytsev. - Am I right, Sidoryakhin?.. Well, there you go. So what is stopping us from completing the task?
Geometry,” Petrov says with a sigh.
Well, you just don’t pay attention to her, that’s all! - says Morkoveva.
Petrov is silent, collecting his thoughts. In his brain, colorful metaphors are born one after another that would make it possible to convey to those around him the surrealism of what is happening, but as luck would have it, all of them, when put into words, invariably begin with the word “Fuck!”, completely inappropriate within the framework of a business conversation.
Tired of waiting for an answer, Nedozaytsev says:
Petrov, will you answer simply - can you do it or can you not? I understand that you are a narrow specialist and do not see the big picture. But it’s not difficult to draw some seven lines? We’ve been discussing some nonsense for two hours now, but we can’t come to a decision.
Yes, says Sidoryakhin. - You just criticize and say: “Impossible! Impossible!” You offer us your solution to the problem! Otherwise, even a fool can criticize, pardon the expression. You're a professional!
Petrov wearily says:
Fine. Let me draw you two guaranteed perpendicular red lines, and the rest in transparent color. They will be transparent and will not be visible, but I will draw them. Will this suit you?
Will this suit us? - Morkoveva turns to Lenochka. - Yes, it will suit us.
Just at least a couple more - in green,” adds Lenochka. - And I also have another question, is it possible?
Can one line be depicted as a kitten?
Petrov is silent for a few seconds, and then asks again:
Well, in the form of a kitten. Kitten. Our users love animals. It would be great…
No, says Petrov.
And why?
No, of course I can draw you a cat. I'm not an artist, but I can try. Only it won’t be a line anymore. It will be a cat. A line and a cat are two different things.
“Kitten,” Morkoveva clarifies. - Not a cat, but a kitten, so small and cute. Cats, they...
“It’s all the same,” Petrov shakes his head.
Not at all, right?.. - Lenochka asks disappointed.
Petrov, you should at least listen to the end,” Nedozaytsev says irritably. - You haven’t listened to the end, and already say “No.”
“I understood the idea,” Petrov says without raising his gaze from the table. - It is impossible to draw a line in the shape of a kitten.
Well, there’s no need then,” Lenochka allows. - Can’t you get a bird too?
Petrov silently looks up at her and Lenochka understands everything.
Well, don’t do it then,” she repeats again.
Nedozaytsev slams his palm on the table.
So where did we stop? What are we doing?
“Seven red lines,” says Morkoveva. - Two are red, and two are green, and the rest are transparent. Yes? Did I understand correctly?
Yes,” Sidoryakhin confirms before Petrov has time to open his mouth.
Nedozaytsev nods with satisfaction.
That’s great... Well, that’s it then, colleagues?.. Are we leaving?.. Any other questions?..
Oh, Lenochka remembers. - We still have a red balloon! Tell me, can you fool him?
Yes, by the way,” says Morkoveva. - Let’s discuss this right away too, so we don’t have to get together twice.
Petrov,” Nedozaytsev turns to Petrov. - Can we do this?
What does the ball have to do with me? - Petrov asks in surprise.
“It’s red,” explains Lenochka.
Petrov is stupidly silent, his fingertips trembling.
Petrov,” Nedozaytsev asks nervously. - So can you do it or can’t you? It's a simple question.
Well,” Petrov says cautiously, “in principle, of course I can, but...
“Okay,” Nedozaytsev nods. - Go to them, cheat them. We will write out travel allowances, if necessary.
Is it possible tomorrow? - asks Morkoveva.
Of course,” Nedozaytsev answers. - I think there will be no problems... Well, now we have everything?.. Great. We worked productively... Thank you all and goodbye!
Petrov blinks several times to return to objective reality, then gets up and slowly walks towards the exit. At the very exit, Lenochka catches up with him.
Can I ask you one more thing? - Helen says, blushing. - When will you inflate the balloon... Can you inflate it in the shape of a kitten?..
Petrov sighs.
“I can do anything,” he says. I'm a professional.
Only the Universe and human stupidity are infinite. Although I have my doubts about the first one. (c) Albert Einstein
Surely, you had a moment in your life when you needed to draw seven red lines, which should be strictly perpendicular, and in addition, some needed to be drawn in green, and some more transparent?
As a rule, people set such tasks with a very serious expression on their faces. This is well illustrated in the following brilliant video, based on an equally brilliant story:
What to do if you find yourself in such a situation? We will not consider the “quit” option, although often this is the only simple and correct option.
More complex options, which immediately come to mind - take at least 80% of the prepayment, discuss every detail, write everything down on paper before implementation and approve it with the customer, make a prototype, etc. Sounds rational. But why does this almost never work?
The problem is that if a person is behaving irrationally, then none of the rational approaches will likely work.
In practice, this will mean that the prototype will be constantly reworked, the original requirements and approvals will be lost, and the next discussion will add more questions than it will answer.
- Are you dumb? What does gladiolus have to do with it? She's wearing a blue skirt. In the 16th century, she would have been burned at the stake. They ask you why?.. That’s how you should answer - “Because gladiolus” (c) KVN team “Ural dumplings”
Most often, the cause of irrational behavior (in ordinary situations) is simple stupidity.
Is it necessary to argue with a fool? Most likely not, since during the discussion he will bring you down to his level, where he will win on his territory. What should be done?
First, you need to evaluate what will take more time - to do as asked or to prove that you are right? Once upon a time, I mainly chose the second option, but over time I realized that this was a waste of time, which often ended in the presence of a high HRV, but the absence of a customer.
Secondly, you need to try to translate all oral discussions into paper as much as possible - make a summary of meetings, record all agreements and compromises by email or in documentation. This, at a minimum, will force the person to be a little more responsible in what is said.
And finally, you need to estimate the amount of possible profits and losses in the event that you decide to complete the project in conditions of complete uncertainty and in the case when you decide in the middle of the project to terminate the contract without receiving payment. Sometimes it turns out that the second option is much more profitable.
How do you behave when you find yourself in an irrational situation?
