An old proverb says that shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half sorrow. Psychologist at the Orthodox Center for Crisis Psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ at the former Semyonovsky cemetery Svetlana Furaeva tells how to help a grieving person share his grief.
Faced with the grief of others, many want not just to express condolences, but to do something to help the grieving person, and very often they are faced with a refusal to help. Why is this happening?
Expect to feel a variety of emotions. When your father dies, this connection is severed. You may feel a variety of emotions in response to this loss. Numbness, confusion, fear, guilt, relief and anger are some of the feelings you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will be accompanied by each other in a short time.
While we all have ways of feeling the death of a parent uniquely, some of the most common emotions include. You probably expect to feel sad when one of your parents dies, but you may be surprised by the overwhelming depth of your feelings of loss. It's natural that you feel sad. In the end, the one who loved him and loved him unconditionally is no longer with you. If you were missing one of your parents and now you've just lost what you have left, you may feel very sad; Becoming an “adult orphan” can be a very painful transition.
The fact is that a person who wants to help is not always able to determine “on the spot” what exactly the grieving person needs right now. Therefore, the chosen behavioral strategies often turn out to be ineffective. Instead of realizing that I could be useful, there is resentment that “I am with all my heart... and he (she) is ungrateful...”
And what to do in such a situation?
You may also feel sad because the loss of one parent causes secondary losses, such as the death of a grandfather. Allow yourself to feel sad and accept your pain. If the person who passed away was already sick before he or she died, he or she may feel relieved when he or she finally dies. This feeling can be especially strong if you are responsible for caring for your sick parent. This does not mean that she did not love her father or mother. In fact, your relief after so much suffering is a natural development of your love.
First of all, show sensitivity. Help is accepted only when it matches the needs of the person in need. Therefore, it is necessary to assess the state of the grieving person, try to understand what he needs most now - peace, conversation, practical help with the housework, just sit next to him and be silent or help give vent to his tears. To better understand what happens to the griever, let’s look at what the grieving process looks like over time.
If your family is abusive and dysfunctional, you may be angry that you didn't resolve this with your deceased father or mother. His death may bring some painful feelings to the surface. Also, you may get angry because love relationship in your life ended prematurely. If you are angry, try to examine this angry drift and try to act accordingly.
If your relationship with your father or mother was harsh, distant or ambivalent, you may feel guilty when he dies. You can wish that you had said what you wanted but never said - or you can wish that you had not said what you did say. You may wish that you spent more time with him. Guilt and remorse may be normal responses to the death of your father or mother. This is part of the mourning necessary for recovery.
First stage - shock and denial of loss. Even if the deceased had been ill for a long time, and the doctors’ prognosis was disappointing, the message of death is unexpected for most people. In a state of shock, a person seems to be stunned by the news, acts “automatically”, and has lost full contact with himself and with the world around him. People who have experienced this state describe it as “it was like in a dream,” “it was like it wasn’t with me,” “I didn’t feel anything,” “I didn’t believe what happened, it’s not true.” This reaction is caused by the deepest shock from the news, and the psyche turns on a kind of braking mechanism, protecting the person from severe mental pain.
As strange as some of these emotions seem, they are normal and healthy. Let everything you feel without judging or trying to suppress painful thoughts and feelings. And whenever you can, try to find someone who will listen to you and help you explore their pain.
Acknowledge the impact of this death on the rest of the family. If you have siblings, the death of a parent will likely impact them in a different way. After all, each of them had a unique relationship with their father or mother, so each of them has the right to feel this loss in their own way.
Second phase - anger and resentment. The grieving person “replays” the situation in his head over and over again, and the more he thinks about his misfortune, the more questions he has. The loss is accepted and realized, but the person cannot come to terms with it. A search is underway for the reasons for what happened and alternative courses of action. Resentment and anger can be directed at oneself, fate, God, doctors, relatives, friends. The decision “who is to blame” is not rational, but rather emotional, which can lead to mutual resentment in the family.
This death can also trigger sibling conflicts. They may disagree about a funeral, for example, or discuss family finances. Recognize that these conflicts, although unpleasant, are natural. Make an effort to encourage open dialogue during this time of family stress. But you can also be convinced that this death served you to unite your brothers. If yes, then thank you for this blessing.
Finally, when the parent is alive, try to understand how the death affected them. The death of a spouse—often a companion of many decades—means many of the things that the son of that relationship means to you. This does not mean that you are responsible for your father or living hand; first, you need to recover from your own mourning, and then you can help. But this means that you, being younger and therefore more resilient, must be patient and compassionate with your living parent.
Next stage - guilt and obsessive thoughts. The grieving person begins to think that if he had treated the deceased differently, acted, thought, spoken, then the death could have been prevented. The situation is played out repeatedly in various options. These are very destructive feelings that certainly need to be overcome.
Perhaps the most compassionate thing to do about yourself is to seek support from others. Think about it: mourning a parent may be the hardest job you've ever had to deal with. And hard work becomes harder when shared with other people.
If your father or mother was already elderly, you may feel that others do not fully understand your loss. In our culture, we tend not to value elders. We see how the elders have outlived their usefulness, rather than seeing them as a source great wisdom, experience and love.
Fourth stage – suffering and depression. Mental suffering accompanies all previous stages of grief, but at this stage it reaches its peak, overshadowing all other feelings. Grief, like waves, will rush in and then recede a little. And during this period a person experiences maximum heartache, this is the “ninth wave” of grief. People experience this period very differently. Some people become very sensitive and cry a lot, while others, on the contrary, try not to show emotions and withdraw into themselves. Signs of depression appear - apathy, depression, a feeling of hopelessness, the person feels helpless, the meaning of life without the deceased is lost. At this stage, chronic diseases may worsen as the person stops taking care of his needs. There are disturbances in sleep and wakefulness, lack of appetite, or excessive food consumption. At this stage, some grievers begin to abuse alcohol or drugs.
In combined or non-traditional families, it can also be a source of suffering. If you have lost a person who, despite not being yours biological father, was the one who created you, your suffering for this person is natural and necessary. He has the right to suffer for the death of his father - a figure that really exists for him.
Look for people who understand their loss and openly hear their feelings of pain. Avoid people who judge your feelings or, worse, try to invalidate them. Sharing your pain with others will not make you disappear, but it will become more bearable over time. Through support, one will connect more with others and strengthen the bonds of friendship and love that again provide value in life.
Fortunately, this period comes to an end, and the next one begins - adoption and reorganization. There is an emotional acceptance of the loss, the person begins to improve his life in the present. At this stage, life (no longer without the deceased) regains its value. Plans for the future are rearranged, the deceased ceases to appear in them, and new goals appear. This does not mean at all that the deceased is forgotten. On the contrary, memories of him do not leave the grieving person, their emotional coloring simply changes. The deceased still has a place in the heart, but memories of him do not lead to suffering, but are accompanied by sadness or sadness. Often a person finds support in the memories of the deceased.
Be tolerant of physical and emotional limitations. Perhaps your feelings of sadness and loss are making you tired. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be affected. Energy levels may decrease. Respect what your body and mind are telling you.
Allow yourself to measure your pain, do not force yourself to think and react to death as soon as it happens. You have to recover, but you also have to live. If you are angry with God over the death of one of your parents, understand this feeling as a normal phase of the grieving process. Have someone talk to someone who is not critical and let them talk about their thoughts and feelings.
How long do these periods last? And is it possible to help a grieving person overcome them faster?
The duration of grief is very individual. The grieving process is not linear; a person can return to some stage and experience it again. But there is no need to rush the grieving person. We don’t force a newborn to walk or a first-grader to solve quantum physics problems. In the experience of grief, what is more important is not its duration, but the progress that occurs in the grieving person. I specifically took the time to look at the stages of grief to show that all feelings and reactions to the loss experienced by the grieving person are normal. Accepting these feelings, understanding them and supporting the grieving person at every stage is the very help that will help overcome grief. It is very important to turn to specialists if a person is “stuck” at some stage and there is no positive dynamics.
You may hear many times: “Whoever has faith does not need to suffer.” The fact of your individual faith does not mean that you do not have thoughts and feelings. To deny your pain is to invite problems to grow even more. Express your faith, but also express your suffering.
Allow value search. You may ask yourself, “Why did mother have to die now?” Or “What happens after death?” This search for meaning in life is a normal response to the death of one of our parents. In fact, to recover, you need to study important questions for myself. The most important thing is to give yourself the opportunity to think about it. Although his father is no longer physically close to him or her, he or she lives on in spirit through his or her memories. Share them with family and friends. Recognize that some of these memories are sad and others are happy, but either way, they are the only important part of the relationship you had with your mother or father.
What should you not do to avoid being refused help?
One of the most common mistakes loved ones make is a lack of empathy. This can manifest itself in a variety of reactions - from reluctance to talk about the deceased to advice to “strengthen and hold on.” This is usually not associated with spiritual callousness loved ones, but with the manifestation psychological protection. After all, other people’s emotions are reflected in a person’s condition, besides, loved ones also grieve for the deceased, they are also vulnerable at this moment.
Consider planting a tree or creating a box of photos and other memories. To come back to live and love again, you must suffer completely. You will not recover if you do not openly express your feelings of pain. Denying your pain will make you more confused and filled with suffering.
Coming to terms with pain does not happen quickly. And never forget that the death of a father or mother changes our lives forever. Few events are as painful as the death of your spouse. You can't be sure if you can survive this crushing loss. Sometimes you can't be sure you have the energy and really want to get better.
Phrases such as “he’s better there”, “well, he’s worn out”, if the person has been seriously ill for a long time and “now it will become easier for you too, there’s no need to look after you”, have a negative impact on those grieving.
Another common mistake is to devalue the bitterness of loss by comparing it with the losses of other people. “My grandmother was 80 and lived happily, but my neighbor’s daughter died at 25...”, etc. Grief is individual, and there is no way to determine the value of a loss by comparison.
It's at the beginning of a journey that is scared and often lonely. This article provides some practical recommendations, which will help you in rebuilding your grieving process. Your husband or wife has passed away. On this moment you don't know who you are, you are confused, which is natural because you have lost a part of yourself. When someone we love is living, dependent, dying, it is normal for us to be disoriented.
Now you have to face the most difficult things, but it is important that you suffer. Suffering is the expression of your thoughts and feelings about the death of your spouse. This is a natural recovery phase. Recognize that your pain is unique. Your suffering is unique because no one else has had the same relationship with your spouse. This terrible experience will also be influenced by the circumstances of the death, other losses you have experienced, your emotional support system, your cultural beliefs, and your religious beliefs.
When emotions are strongly expressed, there is no need to talk to the grieving person about how others feel about this. This also applies to the individual characteristics of grief.
You should not talk to a grieving person about the future, because he is grieving here and now. Moreover, you should not paint a bright future when a person is experiencing strong emotions. “You’re still young, you’ll get married,” “you’ll have another child, you’ll have everything ahead of you.” Such “consolations” can provoke an outburst of anger and seriously damage relationships.
Thus, he will suffer in an individual and unique way. Discuss your thoughts and your feelings. When you share your suffering with others to heal. Talk about the circumstances of the death, your feelings of loss and loneliness, and the things you miss when you lose your spouse.
Describe the type of person your husband or wife was, the activities you developed with him or her, and the memories that make you laugh or cry. Whatever you do, don't ignore your pain. You are suffering from this loss, the suffering must be resolved. Tell us what's going on in your heart, don't just tell us what's on your mind. This does not mean that you have lost control or that you have gone “crazy.”
So what should you do to support a person in grief?
Firstly, you need set yourself up. We talked about the need to show sensitivity to the grieving person. It is very important. Help is always objective, that is, directed at someone. The discrepancy between the needs of the grieving person and the helping person’s understanding of what is right and what is wrong, as a rule, complicates the situation. Therefore, you need to be intuitive, have a good feel for what can be useful. Then a psychological adjustment occurs, empathy begins. Naturally, intuitive feeling should not interfere with sober thinking and logic, which are especially important in crisis situations.
The experience of the death of a spouse affects our head, heart and spirit, so it can suffer from a variety of emotions and must face this fact as a natural phase of mourning. It is a process because it requires a lot of energy, effort and some time to recover. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, relief and anger are some of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions follow each other in short periods of time or may appear simultaneously.
As strange as these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don’t be surprised if suddenly, without apparent reason, you will feel caught up in one of these waves of emotions. These outbursts of emotion can frighten you and make you feel overwhelmed. However, they are a natural response to death loved one. Find someone who understands your feelings and allows you to talk about them openly.
Secondly, help should be offered. Perhaps the person at the moment does not want to accept help from anyone, or wants to be supported by another person. Perhaps he is simply experiencing shock and is not able to assess the situation right now. That's why the offer of assistance must be specific. Instead of “How can I help you?”, you should ask: “Do you need groceries?”, “Do you want me to babysit?”, “Maybe I can stay with you at night?”. I will also note that in Russia until the 90s, the principles of raising girls were based on the formation of the style of behavior “stop a galloping horse, enter a burning hut.” And now these women are not able to accept help, not because they do not need it, but because they simply do not understand and do not know how to do it, and the very word “help” directed at them can be a psychological taboo. Simply saying “let me help” will cause misunderstanding. But the specific action that the helper is ready to do can bypass this stereotype of power.
Besides, the offer of help must be real. Offer something you can actually do. It often happens that a grieving person gives up everything just to “get everything back,” and this is the only thing that cannot be done. You should not follow the lead of the grieving person by turning to the occult and spiritualism. This will only bring harm, dragging the soul of a grieving person into the pool, prolonging the period of grief, entertaining illusory, unrealistic hopes.
Preferably don't leave someone grieving alone, be with him. If this is not possible, you should try to organize a “remote presence” using modern means communications. It's better if it's a live conversation. In conversation you should try to avoid general issues“How are you?”, “How are you?”, replacing them with specific “were you able to sleep today?”, “What did you eat?”, “Did you cry today?” and so on. This will help identify the problems that the grieving person is currently facing and help cope with them.
It is very important to force yourself listen to the grieving. Not only what you want to hear, but everything that a person experiencing grief will say. And you need to say a lot to those who are grieving. By speaking out their thoughts and feelings, they live through their grief, gradually freeing themselves from suffering. Sometimes you don't have to answer, especially if you don't know what to say. The main thing is to be sincere. Do not create taboo topics, give the opportunity to say everything that is on your heart.
Being sincere about a grieving person helps accept him and his grief. Unconditionally, as a person is now - weak, vulnerable, unhappy, ugly from experiences. Completely. There is no need to force him to be strong, to hold back his tears, or to try to cheer him up. A person must know and feel that he is dear to his loved ones and in such a state that he is allowed to grieve and be weak.
Need to be patient. Some emotional outbursts of the grieving person may be directed at the people around him, and there may be a manifestation of anger and irritation towards the living. This behavior is a manifestation of powerlessness to change the situation. We need to be understanding about this. And, as we have already said, grief has no temporary s x boundaries. You cannot “hurry up” the grieving, or limit their mourning to a certain period. It is more important to understand whether there is progress or not.
For those who are grieving, it is important when they memories of the deceased are supported and encouraged. This takes time and patience, because the memories will be replayed many times, and all about the same thing, causing new attacks of tears and grief. But memories are necessary, they help to accept the situation. Repeatedly reproduced memories become less and less painful, a person begins to draw strength from them to live today.
Necessary help grieving adapt to a new social and living situation. Not to perform for him the functions that the deceased previously performed, but to help him learn to act independently. Otherwise, when for some reason you cannot help do something, the grieving person will again feel unhappy, abandoned, abandoned, perhaps new round grief.
It is advisable to try in advance prepare for significant dates for the grieving person. Holidays, anniversaries - all this causes new emotions of grief, because now they pass differently, without the deceased. Perhaps just thoughts about the upcoming date will plunge a grieving person into despair. It is better if someone is with the grieving person these days.
And, of course, you need look after your own health, both physically and emotionally. After all, otherwise a person will not be able to fully help another. In illness or during periods of overwork, we become more susceptible, irritable, and can accidentally injure an already unhappy person. If there is an understanding that there are now not enough resources to support another, there is no need to avoid him, it is better to openly, but delicately, explain that now there is no way to carry on a conversation or come. So that the grieving person does not feel abandoned and offended, you need to promise him a meeting or phone call when you have strength and health. And be sure to keep this promise.
Great support is provided to both those helping and those grieving articles about grief posted on our website Memoriam.Ru. Unfortunately, the emotions experienced by people during periods of acute grief do not allow them to realize the benefits of these materials, but those who want to help their loved ones can cope with reading. The site already has answers to all the questions that arise for both those grieving and their loved ones. How to cope with the death of a loved one? How to help a grieving person? How to help a person's soul? What to do with the feeling of guilt that arises? How to help grieving children? These and many other questions are answered by priests, psychologists, psychiatrists, lawyers and people who have managed to overcome grief. It is necessary to study these materials and tell those grieving and other family members about them. From experience, I can say that this is a very effective remedy that allows you to “move forward” along the path of grief.
A very powerful resource in overcoming grief is spiritual help loved ones. By these words, let's understand not the implementation of all of the above, but caring for the souls of the deceased and those remaining. If there is a believer in the family, he can explain that observing confessional rituals is not just a tribute to tradition, but specific care for the deceased.
Faith is a great force on the path to overcoming grief. A believer overcomes grief more easily, since his “picture of the world” does not end with death. In all religions, prayers for the dead and acts of mercy are considered good both for the one who is gone and for the one who does it here. If the family is not religious, you need to contact the ministers of the religious denomination that is traditional for this nationality. He needs to ask all the questions that the grieving people have accumulated, and also find out what can help the soul of the departed person. Starting with the performance of rituals, the grieving person can gradually come to understand the mystery of life and death, and this, from experience, helps to cope with the crisis of grief. Such care for the departed, and even if it is supplemented with help to those who are now weaker (even if it is just alms to a beggar), strengthens the grieving person, gives him the strength to live on, and changes the quality of his life.
And in parting I want to say the following. You can endlessly give advice about what is right and what is wrong. But the only correct line of behavior with a grieving person can only be suggested by an open heart and a sincere desire to be useful. I wish everyone who is now trying to help their loved ones strength and patience. You will need a lot of them, but the result is worth the effort.
When someone's relatives die, we often cannot find the right words and do not know how to behave in such a situation. AiF.ru spoke about how to ease the pain of loss head of emergency center department psychological assistance EMERCOM of Russia Larisa Pyzhyanova.
Tell the truth
Natalya Kozhina: Larisa Grigorievna, when people lose loved ones, it’s difficult to find some words... And yet, how can you support a person?
Larisa Pyzhyanova: People are very afraid of this situation, they don’t know what to say. Words should be natural; if you want to say something and it comes from the heart, then say it. You should not fuss around the person and try to engage him in conversation. If he is silent, you see that he is feeling bad, just sit next to him, if he turns to you and starts talking himself, then listen and support. It happens that a person just needs to speak out, don’t stop him from doing it.
- What phrases are better not to say at all?
You cannot say “calm down”, “don’t cry”, “everything will pass”, “you will still arrange your life”. The fact is that at the moment when a person learns about the death of a loved one, it seems impossible. Anything else will be perceived as a direct insult and betrayal of the deceased. We (psychologists of the Russian Ministry of Emergency Situations) always tell only the truth, and this truth lies in very competently informing a person about what is happening to him and what will happen next. People often feel like they are going crazy and are afraid of their own reactions. It can be aggression, hysteria, or, on the contrary, it can be complete calm.
You can often hear: “What is happening to me? I loved my husband, why don’t I feel anything now?” Then we tell you that this state is absolutely normal, it is a shock, when your consciousness does not allow the thought that you have lost a loved one, this is a very powerful defensive reaction. When awareness comes, then grief will come, tears that you will need to endure. You will have to live, fall asleep and wake up with the awareness of loss. But time will pass, and the pain will begin to subside. It will be replaced by other feelings. There is such a concept - “bright sadness”, when a person’s heart swells, but he remembers with a smile what happened, some bright episodes from his life. past life. It will come, but it will take time.Stay close
- Larisa Grigorievna, how should colleagues and friends of those who have lost relatives behave?
The first 3-4 months after death are a period of acute grief, when it is most difficult. It is important to have family and friends nearby. It often happens that in the first days a person is surrounded with attention and care, especially up to 9 days, and then everyone returns to their normal life. And a person who has lost a loved one finds himself in a vacuum; he has the feeling that he has been abandoned and betrayed. I've had people tell me, “When things were going well, friends were there. And now everyone is afraid of being infected by my grief, who needs a person who is always crying? This further aggravates the condition.
You need to tell the person: “We are next to you, and we will be there as long as you need.” Stay in constant contact with the bereaved person. Yes, everyone has their own worries, but you can always call and find out how you are doing, come in and talk. When a period of acute grief passes, a person may have a need to talk about the deceased and look at his photographs. Don't distance yourself from him, listen, ask some questions, no matter how awkward it may seem.
- Some people advise changing the situation, going somewhere, do you support this method?
- We do not recommend radically changing anything in your life within a year after the death of a loved one: moving, changing jobs. Because during this period a person is in an altered state, and, as a rule, all decisions are made by him under the influence of emotions. When people lose a child, you can often hear: “We probably need to give birth again to drown out this pain.” But in fact, this is very dangerous, first of all, for the one who is born, because he can become a “replacement child.”Parents can pin on him all the hopes that the deceased child did not have time to fulfill. But, of course, it is better not to say this openly, but to present everything more softly: “Think about your condition, you must recover over this year in order for a healthy child to be born.”
Don't rush
Now there is a very difficult moment ahead - identification and funeral, it often happens that they are trying to protect one of the relatives from organizational issues, this is right?
In fact, it is especially difficult for those who cannot take part in the decision of all important points after the death of a person. Sometimes they tell us: “My wife won’t go, it’s very difficult for her, she won’t take part in this.” It is not right. It is necessary to involve all loved ones to the maximum in the process of the first days of preparation for the funeral and resolving some issues. This is important, when a person is actively involved, it becomes easier for him to do something in last time for your loved one, there is no need to fence him off from this and say: “Rest, sleep, we will do everything ourselves.” On the contrary, involve the person as much as possible.
How do you understand that a person who has lost a loved one cannot cope with the loss on his own and needs the help of a specialist?
Any reactions that occur in the first year (one and a half) after the death of a loved one are normal. This could be aggression, depression, mood swings. Why do we take this particular period of time? In 12 months, a person alone experiences everything that he previously experienced with his loved one: vacation, birthday, New Year etc. After a year, a maximum of a year and a half, it becomes easier. But if even after this time a person cannot return to ordinary life, which means you need the help of a specialist. Everything that happens before one year is the norm, and relatives and employers should be warned about this, because a person may begin to work worse. But everything will get better, give it time. There is also a moment when those around you begin to say: “That’s it, a lot of time has passed, come on, come back to life.” In fact, everyone experiences their grief differently, some need 1-2 months, others need a year, and this is absolutely normal.
