How to support someone who has lost a loved one. What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

A man has a grief. A man has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?

Hold on!

The most common words that always come to mind first are: Be strong! Hold on! Take heart! My condolences! Any help? Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

What else can I say? There is nothing to console us, we will not return the loss. Hold on friend! It’s also not clear what to do next - either support this topic (what if the person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to neutral...

These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the person who has lost life has stopped and time has stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how could it be otherwise? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with loss comes the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”

We should be happy!

Second group valuable advice it’s much worse for the mourner than all these endless “hold on!”

“You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
“Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
“Yes, he finally got over it! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”

I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by anyone who buried a beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, all Last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends did not see her that often - a couple of times a year at best. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned...

Death is not something to be happy about at all.

Death is the most terrible and evil evil.

And Christ defeated it, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.

By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.

And “death is gain,” the Apostle Paul said to himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is gain.”

You are strong!

How he holds up!
How strong she is!
You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry, does not groan or be killed at a funeral, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most severe phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress is passing, and he feels a little better.

There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”

That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense.” On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.

We are going to Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment” the women began to cry. - And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life. The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

Are there those who hold on well and do not plunge into this black and white world grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on,” it means that, most likely, he needs and will continue to need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. The worst may be ahead.

Orthodox arguments

Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she’s in the Kingdom of Heaven!
Your wife is now closer to you than ever!

I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend’s daughter. A colleague - a non-church - was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who burned out from leukemia: “Can you imagine, she’s so plastic, in a hard voice minted - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!”

The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not “when” that matters, but “how”. We believe (and this is the only way we live) that sinless children and well-lived adults will not lose mercy from the Lord. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can himself tell a lot of things that are theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. “Closer than ever” - you don’t feel it, especially at first. Therefore, here I would like to say, “Can everything be as usual, please?”

In the months that have passed since my husband’s death, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from a single priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how difficult it was, how difficult it was. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel has appeared.”

Only a person who has gone through grief can probably say about this. I was told how Mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of her most beautiful sons within a year - Archpriest Theodore and Bishop Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there.” But only she herself could say that.

Time cures?

Probably, over time, this wound with meat throughout the soul will heal a little. I don't know that yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone goes on with their own lives - how could it be otherwise? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As I was told a wise man Having experienced a loss, after forty days you only little by little understand what place the departed person occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it stops seeming like you’ll wake up and everything will be as before. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.

It is at this time that you need support, presence, attention, work. And just someone who will listen to you.

There is no way to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can still console you.

Archpriest Alexy Uminsky said very correctly:

“A person who experiences this moment and who really finds the answer from God, he becomes so smart and experienced that no one can give him any advice. He already knows everything. He doesn’t need to be told anything, he knows everything perfectly well. Therefore this person does not need advice. It is difficult for those people who at such a moment do not want to listen to God and are looking for explanations, accusations, self-accusation. And then it is difficult, because it is suicide. It is impossible to console a person who is not consoled by God.

Of course, you need to console, you need to be there, it is very important at such a moment to be surrounded by people who love and hear. No one will ever be able to console a person who has not accepted Divine consolation, it is impossible.”

What can I say?

In fact, it is not so important what you say to a person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.

Here's the thing. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words will most likely not have any meaning for a person. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the thought will be in the background: “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”

And here empathy- this is when you have compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child experiences empathy and compassion, supported by experience, for another mother who has buried a child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly, here is a living person who also experienced this. Who feels bad, just like me.

Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy towards him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!” Unobtrusively. Carefully tell them that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums online to support people experiencing loss. On the RuNet there is less, on the English-language Internet there is more - those who have experienced or are experiencing gather there. Being close to them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.

Help from a good priest who has experience of loss or just a lot life experience. You will most likely also need the help of a psychologist.

Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also invite the person himself to travel to churches together to serve magpies around him and pray around him and read the psalter.

If you knew the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, that’s why memorials exist - to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, one day we met at a bus stop, and you had just returned from honeymoon»….

Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Without encouraging, without asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with the housework, with the children, with chores. Speak in household topics. Be near.

When someone's relatives die, we often cannot find the right words and do not know how to behave in such a situation. Larisa Pyzhyanova, head of the department of the center for emergency psychological assistance of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia, told AiF.ru about how to ease the pain of loss.

Natalya Kozhina: Larisa Grigorievna, when people lose loved ones, it’s difficult to find some words... And yet, how can you support a person?

Larisa Pyzhyanova: People are very afraid of this situation, they don’t know what to say. Words should be natural; if you want to say something and it comes from the heart, then say it. You should not fuss around the person and try to engage him in conversation. If he is silent, you see that he is feeling bad, just sit next to him, if he turns to you and starts talking himself, then listen and support. It happens that a person just needs to speak out, don’t stop him from doing it.

– What phrases are better not to say at all?

– You can’t say “calm down”, “don’t cry”, “everything will pass”, “you’ll still arrange your life.” The fact is that at the moment when a person learns about the death of a loved one, it seems impossible. Anything else will be perceived as a direct insult and betrayal of the deceased. We (psychologists of the Russian Ministry of Emergency Situations) always tell only the truth, and this truth lies in very competently informing a person about what is happening to him and what will happen next. People often feel like they are going crazy and are afraid of their own reactions. It can be aggression, hysteria, or, on the contrary, it can be complete calm.

You can often hear: “What is happening to me? I loved my husband, why don’t I feel anything now?” Then we tell you that this state is absolutely normal, it is a shock when your consciousness does not allow the thought that you have lost loved one Ah, this is a very powerful defensive reaction. When awareness comes, then grief will come, tears that you will need to experience. You will have to live, fall asleep and wake up with the awareness of loss. But time will pass, and the pain will begin to subside. It will be replaced by other feelings. There is such a concept - “bright sadness”, when a person’s heart shrinks, but he remembers with a smile what happened, some bright episodes from his life. past life. It will come, but it will take time.

– Larisa Grigorievna, how should colleagues and friends of those who have lost relatives behave?

– The first 3–4 months after death is a period of acute grief, when it is most difficult. It is important to have family and friends nearby. It often happens that in the first days a person is surrounded with attention and care, especially up to 9 days, and then everyone returns to their normal life. And a person who has lost a loved one finds himself in a vacuum; he has the feeling that he has been abandoned and betrayed. I've had people tell me, “When things were going well, friends were there. And now everyone is afraid of being infected by my grief, who needs a person who is always crying? This further aggravates the condition.

You need to tell the person: “We are next to you, and we will be there as long as you need.” Stay in constant contact with the bereaved person. Yes, everyone has their own worries, but you can always call and find out how you are doing, come in and talk. When a period of acute grief passes, a person may have a need to talk about the deceased and look at his photographs. Don't distance yourself from him, listen, ask some questions, no matter how awkward it may seem.

– Some people advise changing the situation, going somewhere, do you support this method?

– We do not recommend radically changing anything in your life within a year after the death of a loved one: moving, changing jobs. Because during this period a person is in an altered state, and, as a rule, all decisions are made by him under the influence of emotions. When people lose a child, you can often hear: “We probably need to give birth again to drown out this pain.” But in fact, this is very dangerous, first of all, for the one who is born, because he can become a “replacement child.”

Parents can pin on him all the hopes that the deceased child did not have time to fulfill. But, of course, it is better not to say this openly, but to present everything more softly: “Think about your condition, you must recover during this year in order to be born.” healthy child».

– Now there is a very difficult moment ahead - identification and funeral, it often happens that they try to protect one of the relatives from organizational issues, this is right?

– In fact, it is especially difficult for those who cannot take part in the decision of all important points after the death of a person. Sometimes they tell us: “My wife won’t go, it’s very difficult for her, she won’t take part in this.” It is not right. It is necessary to involve all loved ones to the maximum in the process of the first days of preparation for the funeral and resolving some issues. This is important, when a person is actively involved, it becomes easier for him to do something in last time for your loved one, there is no need to fence him off from this and say: “Rest, sleep, we will do everything ourselves.” On the contrary, involve the person as much as possible.

– How do you understand that a person who has lost a loved one cannot cope with the loss on his own and needs the help of a specialist?

– Any reactions that occur in the first year (one and a half) after the death of a loved one are normal. This could be aggression, depression, mood swings. Why do we take this particular period of time? In 12 months, a person alone experiences everything that he previously experienced with his loved one: vacation, birthday, New Year etc. After a year, a maximum of a year and a half, it becomes easier. But if even after this time a person cannot return to ordinary life, which means you need the help of a specialist. Everything that happens before a year is the norm, and relatives and employers should be warned about this, because a person may begin to work worse. But everything will get better, give it time. There is also a moment when those around you begin to say: “That’s it, a lot of time has passed, come on, come back to life.” In fact, everyone experiences their grief differently, some need 1-2 months, others need a year, and this is absolutely normal.

Olga Kolyada, practical psychologist, teacher at the Ladya training center: What to do if you didn’t lose a loved one, but someone nearby - a relative, friend, co-worker? To call or not to call? To approach or not? What to say? How to support? What actions to avoid to prevent a person from getting worse? What do you need to understand about a person experiencing loss? To call or not to call, to come over or not to bother? Call and come!

A person experiencing a loss needs the feeling that there are still living people, friends, and loved ones around him. If you don’t show up in any way, the person may get the impression that he has also lost you, that you don’t care about his grief. There may be resentment towards you and a desire to close yourself off. For example, when my grandmother died (I was still a child), my mother was very offended by those of her friends who did not call her with condolences, and stopped all communication with them for the rest of her life.

To approach or not? What to say?

Often those who are nearby do not call or approach because they themselves are tormented by the thought - “what can I tell him or her?” and the experience that any of their actions in light of the loss seem meaningless, because the loss will not be returned. That's right, they won't return it. But you can improve the condition of the one who remains (or prevent it from getting worse). Wherein the main thing is to be sincere!

People experiencing grief are very sensitive to falsehood and insincerity. And they are also so immersed in their experience that they don’t care about your experiences for some time. Therefore, it’s not worth talking about exactly how you worry about them. Communicating as if nothing happened is also not worth it, it will come out false.

You can and should say stupid things if it is from the heart.

For example, say that you don’t know how to help, but want to be useful, useful to a person. Or that you understand that all words are useless, and therefore you don’t know what to say. Or that you feel like you need to be there for someone experiencing a loss, but you don’t know what to do. Such thoughts, expressed sincerely, as they are, are quite enough for a person to understand that you have not abandoned him, he has not lost you. And this is the most valuable thing for him at this time.

How to support?

If the loss occurred due to death, you can support it with money. Funeral efforts often take a significant toll on the budget, and any money will be a support. But money is still not the main thing. In any case (and when the departure of a loved one is not associated with death), the main thing is to be close to the person and help him not to forget about himself, his body, simple everyday tasks and needs.

And give him warmth. If the relationship allows, hug, take hands, warm the shoulder area and middle of the chest with your hands (where the soul is, as they say). Listen, without arguing, sympathizing, crying and laughing together, everything that a person will pronounce. Take on simple household tasks - buy groceries, cook food, take care of children, take on some work assignments (if possible).

First week It is better not to leave a person experiencing loss alone. Homeopaths recommend that everyone experiencing the loss of loved ones take the drug “Ignacia-30” (7 balls once a day) for 2 weeks. Calming teas and herbs at night are also indicated.

From a week to 40 days(all dates are approximate) on average, it is necessary to take into account that part of the emotional and mental forces are directed to rethinking what happened and all the conclusions about what follows from this. This process is not always realized, but it always takes a lot of energy and requires living in a “safe mode” during this period.

A person should be reminded that he needs to take care of himself, help him find ways to rest his soul and, if possible, recover with the help of those activities that give him this very recovery. These can be very different things - music, aromatherapy, massage, walks in nature, sports, books and TV movies, certain foods, meditation, communication with a pet, creativity associated with the memory of the deceased (usually there is very little strength for anything else during this period ), vacation trip, etc. Regular questions also help: “how are you?” without insisting on an answer.

The question itself brings a person back to himself and helps him not to lose his sense of self and contact with himself. If a person cries or grieves in front of you, don’t be shy if you don’t want to cry with him and don’t feel like grieving. This is normal and nothing like this is required from you. Stay silently next to the crying person; if it is convenient, hug him; if necessary, give him a handkerchief. It’s not worth it to specifically console or feel sorry without asking - it may turn out to be unkind.

If a person experiencing a loss greatly grieves for the deceased, you can carefully (without insisting) offer to write a letter to the deceased (and not send) with all the words, thoughts and feelings that the person would like to express to the deceased (in the event of the death of the deceased, it is good to burn such letters later ). If a person wants to talk to you about the deceased, do not refuse, listen, but try not to talk much. The main task of such a conversation is to let the person speak out, and not to discuss together the life and character of the deceased.

After 40 days(or a little later) it is useful to start asking a person questions about how he wants to live further - what to do, how to please himself, where to move. If such questions are met with despondency, it means their time has not come yet. If the despondency continues unabated and the person refuses to think about how to move on even after six months, it makes sense to look for a specialist who can help get out of depression. If after a year, the help of a specialist is necessary.

In six months - a year After sad events, those around you are already tired of caring for their neighbor who is experiencing loss. It seems that the person should have recovered by now and can forget about the sad event. This is mistake! You may forget, but a person’s feelings are just moving from an acute stage of experience to a softer, but deeper one. And this deep experience of one’s grief, if a person is not supported, can drag on and lead to an increase in all kinds of chronic illnesses, depression, and withdrawal from active life.

Older people are especially prone to this, but not only them. During this period, those who are nearby should continue to stay close to the one who is experiencing a loss, but in communication, shift the emphasis from talking about the past and about the departed person (if such conversations were held before), to the current, new arrangement of life. , search for current interests and tasks that can captivate the person experiencing loss. And if such interests are found, support them in every possible way. And don’t remind yourself of the past and the departed. During this same period, you can already start talking about yourself and your affairs and plans. This will distract the grief-stricken person from thinking about his grief, and perhaps distract him with something else.

What should you not do?

• You shouldn’t suggest or demand that you calm down and pull yourself together. This can drive feelings inside and lead to neuroses and other illnesses.
• There is no need to deliberately distract a person from the experience. This will prevent you from getting everything you need on time and will delay the process.
• Oddly enough, you shouldn’t show pity or regret. Support, sympathize - yes. No regrets. Many people do not want to talk about their grief precisely for fear that they will be pitied. The point here is that the person experiencing loss has many feelings, both deep and different. And pity like “poor you are mine, unfortunate” takes a person to the level of rather petty self-pity, and poisons precisely this layer. It is difficult for a person to get out of this layer; he has little strength, and other, deeper experiences remain unlived and continue to weigh heavily on the soul.
• You should not interfere with doing things that, from your point of view, are meaningless. If they are not harmful to the health of the person experiencing loss. Perhaps, with the help of these seemingly unnecessary actions, a person intuitively provides himself with psychological self-help. Observe, if a person feels better as a result, it means that these actions matter to his soul.

What do you need to understand about a person experiencing loss?

That your neighbor is now in a special, altered state of consciousness. With increased sensitivity, vulnerability, possibly irritability. With attention directed to yourself and to the past. And as a result, with a weak perception of everything around you (and you, as part of the environment, by the way), which does not directly relate to his loss. Those who experience a loss lose their guidelines for some time - most of their goals for the future, understanding of their place in the world, their usual way of life. If the deceased was not a small child, then often the physical, material, and technical assistance that was the support in life is also lost.

Those around them can take on this help or help the person find other ways to get this help. Often moral support is also lost if there was a good emotional relationship with the deceased. (This is more difficult to make up for and it takes time to adjust to life without this support - it is not pleasant, but possible.) The year after the loss is critical in terms of a person’s health - chronic diseases can worsen at any time and require increased care and attention to all changes in health.

For those around you, all this, of course, is quite troublesome and difficult. But if a person is dear to you, then caring is worth it. People then appreciate and remember support in such situations with gratitude for the rest of their lives...

Prepared jointly with the Ladya Center

When it happens in a family sudden death, it's always grief. And in the situation with children, death is also something that is unnatural. Against the laws of life itself, where children are our continuation, from the point of view of the course of history. And their death becomes the death of a part of us and our future, turning back time...

This is something for which it is difficult to prepare and which is unbearably painful, and at first it is impossible to come to terms with, even if the child is seriously ill from birth, and doctors initially did not give favorable prognosis. Parents believe in the miracle of healing to the last and do everything possible, and sometimes the impossible.

Often the topic of the death of a child is so unsafe and painful that they prefer not to talk about it. In family stories, these events are hushed up, avoided, and become forbidden and taboo. They hang in a strong, frightening, bottomless, negatively charged, tense abyss.

This is explained by the presence of very strong deep-seated negative experiences: here and different types guilt, including " survivor's guilt», shame, despair, And helplessness, And fear of condemnation close environment and society, which, often not knowing the situation, seeks to blame the “bad” parents - “they didn’t cope,” “they didn’t save.”

it's the same rejection, since often a vacuum forms around grieving families due to the fact that others themselves are very frightened of their feelings on the topic of death or simply do not know what to say, how to console, and for many it is unbearable to be around grief and strong feelings. For a grieving family, it looks like “everyone has turned away” for some unknown reason, “a vacuum has formed” through which no one can get through.

There are statistics that many families, after the loss of a child, even if there are other children and many happy years lived together, fall apart. From known cases, as an example we can cite a family famous singers Albano and Romina Power. Their daughter did not die, but was kidnapped. And this led to the separation of the star duo.

In this situation we are talking about the loss of a child and the grief of experiencing loss. This often happens because parents withdraw into themselves, do not share their experiences with each other, do not know how to support their partner or how to accept help from loved ones. Each person’s grief is experienced alone and is therefore stronger; both feel misunderstood, a wall of distance grows between them, and secondary bitterness and resentment accumulate.

At the same time, both can additionally get hurt by each other, competing whose grief is greater, finding out “who is to blame” or not being able, not finding the strength to forgive, for example, if there was an accident that occurred in the presence or due to an oversight-ignorance of one from parents.

It happens that the very sight of a partner acts as a reminder of the tragedy that occurred, as a trigger, triggering suffering. This creates a vicious circle from which, without special assistance often you can't get out.

There are also couples who live through this tragedy together and become closer, more united, stronger. This gives hope to us, those who work with grief. But even for these couples who support each other, it is very ordeal.

The grieving process during the death of children often tends to become so-called stuck. When the natural stages of coping with loss stop naturally replace each other, getting stuck on one of them.

Thus, a child’s room and belongings can remain intact for years. There is a kind of denial of the very fact of death. The child is “waited for” or the memory of him is not released. The grieving process as such does not even begin in this case.

This often happens when a child is abducted or his body is not found or is found in a very altered form as a result of a fire, fall, building collapse or accident, and the fact of death is not obvious to the parents. It’s as if there isn’t that special starting point, the point of no return, from which one begins to accept what happened and live through the tragedy. There is an endless pain-filled wait and an unconscious postponement of meeting even greater pain in fear of not surviving it.

Often, when the family has adopted prohibitions on the manifestation of emotions and their suppression, when defense mechanisms denial, repression and rationalization, relatives, in order not to face their own experiences and fear of death or the experiences of grief-stricken parents, begin to give advice to a mother who has lost a child from the category: “Don’t cry!”, “Live for your husband,” or other children, if they exist, “You will give birth to another, how old are you!”, “During the war, they also lost children and nothing - no one died,” stories of the older generation “worthily surviving” a child’s death can be cited, “God gave, God took away. Humble yourself!

Even worse can only sound direct accusations: “I didn’t keep track!”, “How could you?!”, “How only does the light carry such people? Kill your own child!” That is, in essence, ignored, do not understand And depreciate her feelings. And in the latter case also accused in what happened.

And although these words may have the best intentions “to help a loved one quickly forget what happened, relieve pain, help return to normal life and cope,” but for those who are grieving, alas, there is no support, no help, no acceptance, no love itself.

Moreover, in in some cases Such comments can worsen the situation: lead to prolonged depression, suicidal thoughts and additional trauma. Therefore, it is very important to think about the consequences of what was said, carefully choose words of support, and if it is not clear what to say and how to behave, it is better to remain silent and do nothing. Just be there.

Or honestly admit your feelings and thoughts, and tell them that you want to help, but don’t know how, that you can’t bear to see their experiences, that you are very afraid of death or feel helpless in the face of what happened. Your sincerity will be better than any advice. Remember, the main thing is not to cause harm.

It’s impossible to stop feeling. As well as monitoring the process of experiencing grief. In addition, due to personal psychological and physiological characteristics, we will feel, experience and express our emotions differently in strength and duration.

Any grief of loss requires time and effort to recover, or rather even what is called “learning to live without.” The stronger the grief, the more difficult and longer this recovery process takes place.

How to help a loved one cope with the death of a child?

It is important for those grieving:

• do not isolate yourself in grief;

• to have someone to turn to;

• have the opportunity to speak out and be heard;

• understand what is happening to them;

• gain the right to your grief and recognition of your feelings;

• express feelings and pain, at least name and speak them;

• receive support, consolation and calm acceptance,

• find new meanings to live

To help a loved one survive grief, it is important:

It's being available. Spend time together. Write. Call. Ask what you can do. Saying that you are nearby. That you can be counted on. That you want to help and be together. At the same time, you don’t need to force yourself to spend all 24 hours together. You can help with small actions. Especially at first and when asked. It is important not to leave for long, to be close physically and emotionally, especially in significant moments(communication with the morgue, funeral, 9 days) and remember the first anniversaries.

2. Talk about what happened. Memories heal.

Ask in detail and detail what happened, when, where, what the person felt, what they did, who else was there, how people reacted, who said or did what, what he/she did in response. At the same time, it is important not to evaluate, compare, or comment, but to ask and listen.

It is believed that repeated repetition of the story of what happened helps to overcome grief and difficult memories, the same principle is used in working with post-traumatic stress disorder that occurs in people who have been exposed to severe, prolonged or repeated psychotraumatic influences: combatants, survivors of terrorist attacks , disasters or natural Disasters.

Important! It is worth asking and talking about what happened under one indispensable condition: if the person who lost the child wants to talk about it himself.

3. Help express pain.

It is important to understand what is happening to the grieving person, what he feels. What exactly did he lose with the loss of this child, what hopes, expectations, dreams, opportunities, plans, picture of the future, ideas about himself. It is important to name all the emotions, talk about fears: fear of death, fear of loneliness, fear of the future, fear of blaming yourself for what happened, etc.

If it is difficult for a person to name his emotions, this often happens in families where it is not customary to express them, you can ask him to describe where in the body he/she feels his pain or grief, what they are like - in size, density, temperature, position, mobility, color .

Some people have images of “a clot of dark energy ready to explode,” “a stone slab pressing down on the chest and making it difficult to breathe,” “a sucking funnel in the middle of the chest,” “a fire burning the heart.” If it is difficult to express in words, you can ask to draw.

No matter how inappropriate your request may sound, sometimes it is worth asking and even insisting on doing it, since any expressed emotion, named in a word, sensation, image or image, transfers the experience from the inside to the outside, helps awareness and, ultimately, living and getting rid of it, releasing it from the body . Even if not immediately and not completely, it will bring a little relief.

4. Calm and console.

If you don't know what to do, ask what you can do to comfort the grieving person. Severe stress often leads to regression in the person experiencing it. This means that the methods of consolation that helped us when we were little will do.

For some, it may be helpful to simply sit nearby in silence. Someone needs to be hugged and cry together. Sometimes tactile touches soothe - stroking the back or head. Sometimes quiet melodious calm lulling words of a comforter.

During stress, adrenaline is released, which, over a certain duration of exposure, leads to spasm of peripheral blood vessels, and the person may feel like he is cold and shivering, plus the impact of psychological stress, which adds a feeling of internal trembling. In this case, a cup of hot tea and a blanket will bring temporary relief.

5. Be sincere when you try to help the grieving person.

Thus, words that would help in many other situations do not work in the case of grief over a deceased child. Having said, for example, “I understand you,” you may unexpectedly run into strong protest, resistance, and even rage. “How can YOU understand me if your child is alive?!! If you don’t know what the death of your baby is?!”

So it’s more appropriate to say it like it is: “I can’t even imagine the pain that you are going through right now.” “There is no greater grief than the grief of a mother who has lost her child.” I repeat, if you don't know how to say it correctly, it's better not to say anything.

6. Be attentive.

It is important to recognize in time if dangerous symptoms appear and convince you to consult a specialist for drug therapy or psychological help.

Special attention worth paying attention to:

• suicidal thoughts and actions, when a person says that he does not want to live or even makes attempts to commit suicide;

• depression, when a sharp weight loss occurs over a short period of time (more than 5 kg in a week or two), sleep is disturbed - a person cannot fall asleep for days, and after falling asleep he often wakes up; a person is completely detached from reality, lost, immersed in his thoughts, does not react to what is happening, sits all the time swaying from side to side, tears continuously flow down his face or, conversely, his face does not express anything, his gaze is directed inward or at one point (when this state lasts for days);

• inadequacy appears in behavior or feelings: hysterical laughter, talking about the child as if it were alive, hallucinations, obsessive thoughts or emphasized calm indifference, as if nothing had happened;

• physical symptoms occur, such as loss of consciousness, sharp pain in the abdomen or sharp pain in the chest, somatization is possible heartache and the occurrence of a heart attack.

Thus, a 5-year-old girl, who was present at the death of her 2-year-old brother, which occurred from suffocation when he choked on a small piece of a construction set, stopped eating solid food. Any lump caused her to have an attack of suffocation, accompanied by the urge to vomit.

However, if something bothers you while grieving, it is better to consult with a specialist. In almost all cases that I have encountered in my practice, at first, especially the first days after the incident, it was necessary to use varying strengths and doses of sedatives, which, in some cases, were used for a month or more after the funeral. It is necessary that the medicine be prescribed by a doctor, as there may be nuances in the regimens and dosages.

For loved ones and comforters IMPORTANT:

• Be silent if you don't know what to say.

• Be sincere and honest. Say what you really think and feel, don’t pretend or minimize.

• Listen to yourself. Don't do what you don't want to do.

• Rely on your opinion. Don't do what is "accepted" if you don't share it or feel it's inappropriate.

• Avoid common comforting phrases and advice: “Pull yourself together”, “Stop tormenting yourself”, “Time heals”, “Try to forget”, “Live for the future”, “Be strong”, “We must move on”, “I’m exhausted”, “The Lord wanted it that way.”

What you should NOT do or “20 DON’Ts”:

2. Don't avoid, but don't force yourself either;

3. Don't move the conversation;

4. Don't advise;

5. Don’t forbid feeling and talking about pain;

6. Don't hold back your feelings;

7. Don't be afraid;

8. Don't judge;

9. Don't lie;

10. Don't devalue;

11. Don't interfere;

13. Don't say you understand;

14. Don't try to cheer up;

15. Don't make excuses;

16. Don't blame;

17. Don't save;

18. Don't protect yourself from reality and pain;

19. Don't organize a funeral instead;

20. Don't take charge of organizing your life.

What is worth trying or “20 WAYS TO HELP”:

2. Listen to the grieving person;

3. Listen to your heart;

4. Be near;

5. Let me talk;

6. Help express feelings;

7. Hear;

8. Understand;

9. Calm down;

10. Be honest;

11. Sympathize;

12. Ask;

13. Speak;

14. Remember;

15. Do simple things together;

16. Hug;

17. Sit next to me;

18. Take care;

19. Find the strength to endure the pain and tears of another;

20. Love.

Therapy is indicated in situations of pathological grief, when there is stuckness at one of the stages of the grief process, or complex grief, for example, when there are multiple losses - a spouse and child died in an accident, or in a person’s experience there is an unmourned close relative, mourning for which was prohibited. For example, due to the fact that the deceased committed suicide, it was not customary to talk about it in a believing family, just as it was impossible to formally mourn the loss and honor the memory in an acceptable way, and the death of one’s own child also actualized the past unexperienced grief.

* The article used data from the book “The Path of Tears” by Jorge Bucay

Grief is the internal experience of loss and the thoughts and feelings associated with it. Specialist in social psychiatry Erich Lindemann dedicated a whole job such emotional state, calling it “acute grief.”

Psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of acute grief:

1. Physical suffering - constant sighs, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Change in consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance separating the grieving person from other people, absorption in the image of the deceased;
3. Feelings of guilt - a search in the events preceding the death of a loved one for evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased; accusing yourself of inattention, exaggerating the significance of your slightest mistakes;
4. Hostile reactions - loss of warmth in relationships with people, irritation, anger and even aggression towards them, the desire not to bother them;
5. Loss of behavior patterns - haste, restlessness, aimless movements, constant search any activity and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anything;
6. The appearance of the deceased’s features in the grieving person, especially the symptoms of his last illness or behavior - this symptom is already on the border of a pathological reaction.

The experience of grief is individual, but at the same time it has its own phases. Of course, the duration and their sequence may vary.

1. Shock and numbness

"Can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. The characteristic condition can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average it lasts 9 days. A person experiences a feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensitivity, physiological and behavioral disorders. If the loss is too overwhelming or sudden, the subsequent state of shock and denial of what happened sometimes takes on paradoxical forms, causing others to doubt the person’s mental health. This does not mean insanity, it’s just that the human psyche is not able to bear the blow and for some time seeks to isolate itself from the terrible reality by creating an illusory world. At this stage, the grieving person can look for the deceased in the crowd, talk to him, “hear” his steps, put an extra one on the table cutlery... The deceased's belongings and room can be kept intact in case of "return".

What and how can you help a person in the shock phase?

It is completely useless to talk and console him. He still doesn’t hear you, and in response to all attempts to console him, he will only say that he feels fine. At such moments, it would be good to constantly be nearby, not leaving the person alone for a second, not letting him out of the field of attention, so as not to miss the acute reactive state. At the same time, you don’t have to talk to him, you can just silently be there.

Sometimes tactile contacts alone are enough to bring a person out of severe shock. Movements such as stroking the head are especially good. At this moment, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you manage to induce tears, it means the person is moving into the next phase.

It is necessary to cause any strong feelings– they are able to bring him out of shock. It is obvious that the condition great joy It’s not easy to awaken, but anger is also suitable here.

2. Anger and resentment

They can last from several days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of a loved one is felt more and more acutely. A person experiencing grief again and again in his mind scrolls through the circumstances of his death and the events that preceded it. The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. It is difficult for a person to come to terms with loss. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons for it, asking himself a lot of different “whys”: “Why him?”, “Why (why) did such a misfortune befall us?”, “Why didn’t you keep him at home?”, “ Why didn’t you insist to go to the hospital?”... Anger and accusation can be directed at fate, God, and people. The reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased himself: for abandoning and causing suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including financial ones; for making a mistake and not being able to avoid death. All these negative emotions are quite natural for a person experiencing grief. It’s just a reaction to one’s own helplessness in a given situation.

3. Stage of guilt and obsession

A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death may convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, the imagination can repeatedly play out how everything would have been then. Those experiencing loss often torment themselves with numerous “if onlys,” which sometimes acquire an obsessive character: “If only I had known...”, “If only I had stayed...” This is also a completely common reaction to loss. We can say that here acceptance fights denial. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one, in one form or another, feels guilt towards the deceased for not preventing his death; for not doing something for the deceased: not caring enough, not appreciating, not helping, not talking about his love, not asking for forgiveness, etc.

4. Stage of suffering and depression

Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. Just because suffering is in fourth place in the sequence of stages of grief does not mean that at first it is not there and then it suddenly appears. It's about that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is a period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves in a person's heart deep wound and causes severe torment, felt even on the physical level. The suffering that a person experiences is not constant, but usually comes in waves. Tears may well up at any memory of the deceased, of the past life together and the circumstances of his death. The reason for tears can also be a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying; suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. Although suffering can sometimes become unbearable, those grieving may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased and testify to their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray.

How can you alleviate the suffering of a grieving person?

If during the first phase you should constantly be with the grieving person, then here you can and should let the person be alone if he wants it. But if he has a desire to talk, you must always be at his disposal, listen and support.

If a person cries, it is not at all necessary to console him. What is "consolation"? This is an attempt to stop him from crying. We have unconditioned reflex to other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that the person calms down and stops crying. And tears provide the opportunity for strong emotional release.

You can unobtrusively introduce a person to socially useful activities: give them work, start loading them with household chores. This gives him the opportunity to escape from his main worries.

And, of course, the person needs to constantly demonstrate that you understand his loss, but treat him as to an ordinary person without doing him any favors.

5. Acceptance and reorganization stage

Can last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how difficult and prolonged the grief, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the spiritual connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection between times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he gradually regains the ability to fully live in the reality around him and look to the future with hope. A person restores temporarily lost social connections and makes new ones. Returning interest in significant species activities, new points of application of one’s strengths and abilities open up. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own future fate already without him. Thus, a reorganization of life occurs.

Basic help on at this stage is to contribute to this turning towards the future, to help make all kinds of plans.

How the process of experiencing loss will proceed, how intense and long-lasting the sadness will be, depends on many factors.

The significance of the deceased and the characteristics of the relationship with him. This is one of the most significant points that determine the nature of grief. The closer the person who passed away was and the more complex, confusing, and conflictual the relationship with him was, the more difficult the loss is experienced. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a consequence, the incompleteness of the relationship with him, especially aggravate the mental torment.

Circumstances of death. A stronger blow is usually delivered by an unexpected, severe (painful, prolonged) and/or violent death.

Age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, logical event. On the contrary, it can be more difficult to come to terms with the passing of a young person or child.

Experience of loss. Past deaths of loved ones are connected by invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how a person dealt with it in the past.

Personal characteristics of the grieving person. Each person is unique, and his individuality, of course, is manifested in grief. Of the many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person relates to death. His reaction to loss depends on this. As he writes J. Rainwater, “the main thing that prolongs grief is the very tenacious illusion inherent in people of guaranteed security of existence.”

Social connections. The presence of people nearby who are ready to hold and share grief greatly facilitates the experience of loss.

Often loved ones, in their desire to support, only make things worse. So what? You should not say when communicating with grieving people:

Untimely statements that do not take into account current circumstances or psychological condition experiencing loss.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or a desire to drown it out: “Well, you’re still young, and,” “Don’t cry - she/he wouldn’t like it,” etc.
Projective statements that transfer one’s own ideas, feelings or desires onto another person. Among various kinds Two projections stand out in particular:
a) projection of one’s experience, for example, in the words: “Your feelings are so clear to me.” In fact, any loss is individual, and no one is given the opportunity to fully understand the suffering and severity of the loss of Another.
c) projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: “You need to continue your life, you need to go out more often, you need to end mourning” - they are simply expressing their own needs.
In addition, we should separately highlight the most frequently used clichés, which, as it seems to others, alleviate the suffering of the grieving person, but in fact prevent him from properly experiencing grief: “You should have dealt with this by now,” “You need to keep yourself busy with something,” “Time heals all wounds”, “Be strong”, “You shouldn’t give in to tears.” All these verbal attitudes drive grief underground.