Verbalization of emotions and feelings. Verbalizing your feelings

From the point of view of modern psychology, I-statement (or more broadly, the verbalization of feelings - one’s own and that of the interlocutor) helps to talk with people so that they understand us well and do what we wanted, and not vice versa, and at the same time avoid scandal

(“I-statement”: what’s wrong?)

In one of the previous materials (“I-statement”... “You-statement”... Which is correct?”)

We discussed in detail how, from the point of view of modern psychology, we need to talk to people so that they understand us well and do what we wanted, and not the other way around, and at the same time avoid scandal.

The secret is simple: never say phrases like “You bore me,” but say “You upset me,” or even better, “Your behavior scares me”...

Well, it will be absolutely great when you are able to “reformulate” to the very real I-statements and say instead of the usual “You’re sick of it”:

“When you do (say) that way, I feel like...

• nobody needs me,
• I'm a fool,
• the ground is slipping from under my feet,
• I get scared,
• I'm losing faith in myself
• into people..."

Usually people are not monsters, and when they hear this, they begin to correct their behavior. Believe me, this is true. You just haven't tried it in practice long enough to track the slow shifts in communication with your usual circle of people.

But science has its own “I” statements (or more broadly, the verbalization of feelings—one’s own and those of one’s interlocutor) and its own nuances. And beginners who are not aware of such tricks do not get the result they would like, blaming the psychological technique itself.

As always, these nuances are not spelled out in books and textbooks, and you can only hear them at a seminar from a psychologist. So I’m telling you what I myself learned in a different way and a very long time ago.

I-statement and broader - Verbalization of feelings is the case when one partner says to the other:

• or about your own feelings (classic I-statement),
• or about the feelings that he thinks his partner is experiencing (Verbalization of partner’s feelings).

Problems verbalizing your feelings

Many people (especially managers and men) generally refuse I-statements, because it seems to them that such a manner of speech is unnatural and unmasculine.

Indeed, you need to be able to formulate I-statements so that they sound natural in any mouth and in any situation.

It is for men and managers that practicing psychologists who teach communicative competence have formulated a list of formulas for I-statements that will not compromise serious people and will not make them heroes of a tearful Hollywood melodrama. These are the correct clichés:

• I am surprised,
• I'm upset
• it hurts me
• I'm uncomfortable.

Attention!

When starting to build a phrase using this cliché, don’t forget about intonation! The intonation with which you pronounce this phrase must be:

• soft,
• trusting,
• sincere,
• reserved.

Otherwise, your words will not be perceived as an expression of your true feelings, but will be perceived as a polite and cold form of humiliation as a precursor to execution.

In an icy tone that does not promise anything good for anyone in the future: “I am surprised that some of the employees in our office have not yet learned the need to come to work on time” (Wrong statement)

Problems verbalizing other people's feelings

The I-statement sometimes covers not only you, but also your counterpart. This emphasizes your commonality and unites two people into a team of like-minded people. But it’s easy to go overboard with this method of establishing trust.

Indeed, telling your partner that you understand his feelings is a dangerous thing.

And yet, it needs to be done. (And it’s better to do it with mistakes than not to do it at all).

However, now I will list the main mistakes, without making which, you can easily express your solidarity and deep understanding of your partner, increasing your communicative competence.

Mistake #1

Never say the phrase “I understand you perfectly,” especially with an ambiguous intonation. A person wants to be understood, exactly to the extent to which he allows you to do so. This phrase is akin to the phrase “I see right through you, like an X-ray - you are a cowardly, greedy, narcissistic fool.”...

Mistake #2

Never say negative phrases to a person like: “You look so tired and unhappy.” Such phrases only strengthen this condition and do not cure it.

Mistake #3

Don’t “bring the person to clean water” (he didn’t ask you to do this). For example, do not say: “You are jealous of Oksana for Petya.”

Talk about other people's feelings only if these feelings can no longer be hidden and the person does not hide them, but on the contrary, wants them to be noticed because he is looking for like-minded people.

For example: “Are you outraged by this person’s rudeness?.. Me too! And Petya was outraged.”

Mistake #4

Don't attribute something to a person that he doesn't feel. Don’t “guess by the tea leaves”; you may not guess. For example, you shouldn’t say: “Oh, I know why you don’t want to come with us. You're afraid that you have nothing to wear. So: put on your blue dress and everything will be fine.” (And the person actually doesn’t want to go with you for a completely different reason).

Mistake #5

When you verbalize someone else's feelings, don't use harsh words. For example, never say:

• you're disgusted
• you're feeling sick
• you went nuts when,
• pisses you off
• you are afraid,
• are you nervous...

Instead you need to say:

• you're afraid
• you're outraged
• bothers you
• it hurts you...

If you verbalize other people's feelings with rude words, you will simply be put in your place.

And finally, the last mistake, mistake number 6

Don't emphasize your commonality in ways that your partner doesn't want to acknowledge.

Never say: “Well, you and I are like two lonely, unmarried women...”

That's all, actually. Verbalizing feelings is a correct and very effective skill. Just no nonsense!

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Techniques for verbalizing emotions and feelings

Larisa Grigorievna Titova, Candidate of Philosophy, Professor of the All-Russian Correspondence Institute of Finance and Economics.

By exchanging communication signals, business partners convey information about their internal mental states: emotions, feelings, experiences. Emotions and feelings serve as the most important regulators of their interpersonal communication. At the same time, the emotional stress of business partners, their agitation, impulsiveness, nervousness, impatience can distort the semantic field of information, creating a kind of “emotional noise”, and therefore there is a need to optimize the emotional background of interpersonal communication of business partners. This is achieved using techniques for regulating emotional stress. Therefore, an important link in the technological chain of information and communication technologies is the verbalization of emotions and feelings.

Techniques for verbalizing emotions and feelings include:

direct verbalization of the partner’s own emotional states;

indirect (mediated) verbalization of the partner’s emotions and feelings;

metaphorical verbalization of the partner’s emotional states;

verbalization of commonality with a partner;

verbalization of the partner's importance.

The technique of direct verbalization of emotions and feelings consists of directly informing the partner about one’s own emotional state (“I’m excited...”, “I’m worried...”, “I’m worried...”, “I’m happy...”) or verbalizing the emotions and feelings experienced by the partner (“You worries...", "Worries you...", "Surprises you..."). Direct verbalization makes it possible to somewhat reduce the tense psycho-emotional background of interpersonal communication between business partners.

Indirect (mediated) verbalization of emotions is more effective for localizing a partner’s negative emotions when their direct verbalization is not only inappropriate, but also unacceptable (for example, in complex conflict situations, when direct (immediate) verbalization of a partner’s negative emotional state only provokes its intensification).

Indirect verbalization is most often implemented in formulations such as: “I understand that this is bothering you,” “I feel that you are upset about something.” The use of positive statements when verbalizing negative emotions helps to reduce the emotional tension of interpersonal communication between partners.

Metaphorical verbalization is more acceptable for localizing the ambivalent, contradictory, emotional states of business partners, which are associated with their dual attitude towards each other, with the simultaneous acceptance and rejection of any properties of each other. For example, a partner’s impatience in interpersonal communication may be associated with an anxious expectation of a violent emotional reaction to his business proposal or with a premonition of a quick resolution of a business problem. Metaphorical verbalization, using analogies, similarities, comparisons that reduce mental stress, contributes to a positive correction of the uncomfortable emotional state of a business person. partner.

Techniques for verbalizing commonality with a partner. The regulation of emotional tension in the interpersonal communication of business partners can also be carried out using techniques for verbalizing commonality with a partner. Emphasizing commonality with a partner must be relevant (appropriate), relating to the business, professional or personal, personified zone of the partner. If emphasizing commonality with a partner is associated with highlighting personality traits, then these traits should be perceived as his advantages. An example of verbalization of commonality with a partner is the statement: “You and I, as creative people, are characterized by ingenuity and the search for non-standard solutions to a business problem.”

Techniques for verbalizing the importance of a partner. You can also optimize the emotional state of a business partner using techniques for verbalizing his significance in solving a business problem. Since the “emotional language” of business partners in interpersonal communication is often incongruent, in order to receive truthful feedback, it is important to emphasize the value of the partner’s contribution to finding the optimal solution to the business problem. This emphasis on the importance of the partner helps to soften the tense emotional background of business communication. A necessary condition for verbalizing the significance of a partner is the emotional connotation of the wording of the statement, its persuasiveness and sincerity. An example of verbalizing the importance of a partner can be the formulation: “Your ability to quickly find solutions in difficult economic situations is admirable.”

Active Listening Techniques

Active listening techniques also help to achieve mutual understanding with a partner in business communication. The main components of these techniques are three stages of rational verbalization of a partner’s statements: A, B, C (the development of these stages and their practical application was first carried out by Carl Rogers, the founder of the humanistic trend in psychology.

Verbalization at stage A includes repeating what the partner said, quoting his individual phrases. Such verbalization allows you to highlight the main idea in the partner’s statement and “return” it to the partner in the most acceptable, soft form. For example, partner-communicator: “I believe that commercial success is impossible without creating an attractive image of the company”; recipient partner: “You believe that achieving commercial success is impossible without creating an attractive image of the company!”

Verbalization at stage B. If quoting a partner is undesirable or irrelevant to the “semantic field” of the dialogue, then it is necessary to move on to the second stage of verbalization - stage B. It consists of paraphrasing - verbalizing the partner’s statement through a different wording. When paraphrasing, it is important to observe two conditions: the paraphrase must be concise and relevant, corresponding to the main semantic content of the partner’s statement. The key phrases to start paraphrasing could be: “If I understand you correctly, then...”, “In other words, you think that...”

In Russian business culture, characterized by high contextuality and multi-activity, focused more on maintaining good personal relationships with a partner than on the final result, the use of stage B has become most widespread.

Verbalization at stage B. The most produced level of verbalization in Russian business culture is stage B. It consists of interpretation - the formulation of a statement in which there is an assumption about the true meaning of the partner’s verbalized judgment or the reasons for its use in a business conversation. In K. Rogers’ techniques, interpretations are used extremely rarely, because, in his opinion, they may be inaccurate, distorting the semantic field of the partner’s statement or depriving the partner of his protective mask. “Meeting yourself” in the presence of others is not always pleasant. However, in the Russian business culture of interpersonal communication, the use of stage B is more common and acceptable.

Questioning techniques

In this case, questioning techniques become important. They play a big role in identifying the semantic field of information received from a partner. The algorithm of these techniques includes the formulation of open, closed and alternative questions.

Techniques for asking open questions involve a detailed response from a business partner and obtaining additional information from him. It is recommended to begin the formulation of these questions with the words: “What?”, “How?”, “In what way?”, “Why?”, “Under what conditions?” (for example: “Under what conditions do you want to achieve a change in the current situation?”).

The question "Why?" in business communication it can mobilize the partner’s defensive reactions and cause his irritation. Therefore, it is recommended to resort to its setting as rarely as possible.

Open ones also include:

information questions asked to obtain information about any objects included in a business situation;

introductory questions that involve identifying a partner’s opinion on a specific issue;

mirror questions repeating those words of the partner that emphasize the semantic connotation of the statement.

All of these types of questions expand the information framework of business communication and create favorable opportunities for maintaining a continuous dialogue with a partner.

When using techniques for asking open questions, it is necessary to use formulations that are acceptable to the partner and do not cause mental rejection in him. Therefore, questions containing hidden accusations, reproaches, and speculation should be excluded from business communications.

Techniques for asking closed questions require an unambiguous answer from the business partner. Essentially, closed questions involve clear “yes” or “no” answers. In addition, they may also include short answers that indicate the date or name of an event, or the quantitative parameters of an object included in a business situation. But since closed questions do not contribute to business communication, it is advisable to limit their use.

The awkward expression “communication of feelings” in the name of this technique has been replaced by the equally awkward expression “verbalization of feelings.” There is no noun in the Russian language that would accurately express the essence of this technique. In fact, we are talking about what one of the partners tells the other about his own feelings or about the feelings that he thinks the partner is experiencing. Moreover, the category “feeling” includes any emotions and emotional states, and even any mental states in general, for example, concentration.

Often in training, this technique causes misunderstanding and protest, especially among men. “If I talk about feelings, I will be misunderstood”; “Why talk about your experiences? They'll just think I vibrated"; “They will immediately understand that this is my weak point,” etc.

It is very important to immediately offer participants examples of using techniques that they will recognize as effective. Very often the following formulas are effective:

Examples D.D.

Once in a partnership communication training I had a man about 50 years old (let’s call him D.D.). Experienced and seasoned, he is rumored to have been a former intelligence officer and later the head of a colony. I conducted the training with Komsomol activists of a large Leningrad industrial enterprise (it was 1987). Due to his age and position, D.D. was absolutely not suitable for the group. Most of the participants had the impression that he was sent by the leadership in order to make sure that the Komsomol members did not get carried away. In his stories, he casually mentioned situations of “pacifying the crowd”...

It was impossible to take this man by surprise, make him angry, get excited, blush, turn pale, say stupid things, etc. He was as elusive as a pebbled stone. And so, when the time came for techniques to reduce emotional stress, he, among others, had to respond to the aggressive attack in some softening way. Back then I was still working in the paradigm of “first make mistakes, and then I’ll show you how to do it.” However, D.D. amazed us all. He used only the method of verbalizing feelings, and so masterfully that it caused pleasure both among observers and “attackers”.

EXAMPLE 1 I am surprised

How could you not send me two workers?! Do I have to move the tables myself?

Ninochka, me surprised... How could this happen? After all, I... etc.

EXAMPLE 2 ____________________________________________________I'm upset

Why don’t you ever tell me in advance that you’ll have to go to work on the weekend?!

Zinochka, me upset... I'm upset that I have to call you, and I'm even more upset that you weren't told in advance...

EXAMPLE 3 __________________________________________________I'm uncomfortable

Why did you come to this training? What do you want to learn here?! Or are you supposed to be watching us here?

Kolya, I really like it uncomfortable, when I hear such assumptions... It’s very uncomfortable...

D. D. also made full use of the possibilities of paralinguistic and nonverbal means. He delivered his remarks with a surprisingly soft, enveloping intonation, always leaned slightly towards the interlocutor, wrinkled his forehead in puzzlement, spread his arms and... it was impossible to be angry with him for more than one minute.

Verbalization of one's own feelings is, in fact, I-messages. Our own feelings are undoubtedly our own, and we can verbalize them and generally do whatever we want with them.

Cognitive, rational analysis of feelings and emotional states undoubtedly reduces its intensity.

Verbalization of one’s own state, therefore, fulfills a dual role - on the one hand, it informs our partner about our feelings and reduces his tension, and on the other hand, it helps to regulate one’s own emotional state.

Verbalizing our own negative feelings can also be used as a polite form of commenting or telling our partner to stop doing something that is causing us stress. One of my colleagues, L. E. Romanovskaya, once told me how she reprimanded foul language in a minibus. She was driving to work in a packed pickup truck. Two young men sat in front, sharing their impressions of some event with each other. They began to use swear words, shouting at the bus with endless expressions using reduced everyday vocabulary. And then she said loudly and clearly into the air: “Obscene language causes discomfort.”

The young people immediately fell silent. Without even turning around.

The task of verbalizing your partner’s feelings is much more difficult. Participants in the training sometimes state that statements like “you are outraged” or “you are excited” can sound like bullying and provoke an increased negative reaction in the partner. “Indirect” verbalization of a partner’s feelings is more effective, for example:

I agree that this may cause protest;

I agree that it causes discomfort;

I agree that this turn of events causes unpleasant feelings;

Yes, this is certainly upsetting.

Carl Rogers wrote about having difficulty expressing negative feelings: “I have difficulty recognizing angry feelings freely and quickly. I regret it" (Rogers C, 1970, p. 87). As you know, in accordance with the concept of K. Rogers, a psychotherapist must be congruent, authentic, that is, true to himself, sincere: my relationships with other people will not be effective if I try to maintain a façade. On the outside you act one way, while on the inside you feel completely different. A mask expressing calm and contentment will not help improve relationships if anger and threat are hidden behind it; nor a friendly expression on your face if you are hostile at heart; nor ostentatious self-confidence, behind which one feels fear and uncertainty” (Rogers K., 1994, p. 58).

In my opinion, the actions that a person performs and the method of action he chooses not only reflect his personal characteristics, but also have the opposite effect on cash. My life experience shows me that what we say and how we say it not only reflects our essence, but also influences it. In this I am a convinced follower of William James and Nikolai Nikolaevich Lange, the authors of the famous James-Lange law. These two great psychologists did not agree with each other on everything (see, for example, the journal “Questions of Psychology and Philosophy,” which was published in St. Petersburg until 1917). However, their names are forever united in the name of the law.

Many techniques used to improve communicative competence also have the opposite effect on the person using them: we first verbalize feelings and then experience them. Thus, exactly what feelings we verbalize and how we do it are key.

In direct statements of feelings, it is preferable to use terms that indicate a certain level of respect and self-respect, a carefully respectful, and perhaps even elegantly ceremonious attitude towards your partner and yourself. Let's compare the two columns of wording in the table. 15.

Table 15. Formulas for verbalization of feelings

RETREAT 4

One seemingly small event made me believe in the meaning of the words we use to describe our own and others' reactions. We were hastily walking down the street with one of my friends. We were in a hurry to get to the faculty. This friend, let's call her Veronica, was distinguished by her lightning speed and sharpness in interpreting other people's statements. It’s amazing how every single thing she said was almost the complete opposite of what I wanted to hear. But then it seemed to me that she simply didn’t know me much yet and therefore was often mistaken. And while walking, almost on the run, I tell Veronica about how my colleague showed a certain gloating when he saw that I had some friction with my superiors. “So he was glad you got your tail pinned!” - Veronica immediately generalized. This comment bothered me. “You know, Veronica,” I said, “not only do I never talk about myself in such terms, but I don’t even think about it.” “Ah-ah-ah!” - was her answer. Gradually our paths diverged...

It is known that thinking “positive thoughts” about yourself is recommended in rational-emotive-behavioral therapy by A. Ellis and cognitive-behavioral therapy by A. Beck (Beck A., 1976; Ellis A, 1977; Morley S. et al., 1996) . Using positive language even when describing negative feelings is a critical aspect of stress reduction techniques.

The expression of negative feelings can be alleviated by the use of metaphors. Carl Rogers was helped, for example, by the following metaphors: “I had a fantasy that you were a princess and you would like it if everyone obeyed you” or “I feel that you act as both a judge and an accused in relation to yourself, and speak sternly to yourself: “You are to blame in all situations.”

The method of metaphorically expressing feelings requires a certain amount of creativity. Negative feelings become the impetus for creativity.

By creating an image, a person is freed from his unfavorable feelings.

Verbalization of feelings can be done using the formula “I feel like...” - and then a metaphor.

EXAMPLE ________________________________Metaphorical expression of feelings

School of Managers "Arsenal", Moscow, February 2002

A g r e s o r. I think you have already forgotten about our conversation yesterday.

Partner, tension reducer. I feel like a schoolboy answering at the blackboard.

A g r e s o r. Are you going to check your documents for the third time?! Are you still looking for a catch?

Partner, tension reducer. I feel like a defendant in a courtroom.

A g r e s o r. How could you call your company Epis? This gives rise to such strange associations...

Partner, tension reducer. I feel like Thumbelina in a tulip: she has fallen and is floundering in the flower.

The metaphor should be vivid and at the same time soft, truthful and at the same time humorous, accurate and at the same time respectful towards oneself.

Table 16. Typical mistakes in regulating emotional stress and ways to overcome them

In the technique of verbalizing feelings, we do not always have to talk about negative feelings.

In a situation where someone attacks us, it can cause a surge of energy, inspiration, even admiration.

EXAMPLE _____________________________________________ From the movie "Tootsie"

Director. I like it so much that you always clearly understand the director’s task!

T u t s i. Where do you see the director here?!

Director. I like how you don’t let anyone down!

Chief: The report is no good! Why didn’t you include illustrations and graphics that were “tasty” for the founders, as you know how to do... Otherwise, it’s no good.

Subordinate. Thank you for believing in my capabilities! I'll work on it until tomorrow.

Purchasing Manager. You didn’t even notice how we changed your chair, your mouse pad... You’re just criticizing everything!

Executive Director. You know, I'm glad that you object to me. I love people who can stand up for themselves...

Many emotional states that arise in business interaction are ambivalent and contradictory, for example:

r painful interest;

r surprise;

r amazement;

r embarrassment;

r anticipation;

r impatience;

r “sports” anger;

r attraction;

r rivalry, etc.

As already mentioned, tension in business communication is not always something that needs to be reduced. In this case, we can talk about both “positive” and “negative” emotional stress. Sometimes the tension, on the contrary, needs to be increased. Apparently, we can talk about some optimal voltage range, which differs for different situations, topics, partners, etc. We can imagine the ratio of optimal and non-optimal voltage ranges in the form of an inverted 11-shaped curve (see figure).

Efficiency

Activities

Emotional

Voltage

Optimal and suboptimal voltage ranges in business conversation

With low emotional stress, activity efficiency is low. Only from a certain level of emotional tension does efficiency begin to increase. However, as soon as the voltage reaches a critical point (point “a” on the graph), no further increase in efficiency is observed. On the contrary, with further increase in voltage the efficiency decreases.

In order to increase psychological stress, you need to use the techniques listed in the right column of the table. 14.

In addition, errors in the use of stress reduction techniques will contribute to increased stress. These errors are illustrated in table. 14 and 15. The use of not entirely respectful formulations in the technique of verbalizing feelings will also contribute to an increase in tension.

So, we got acquainted with the concepts, models and techniques of communicative competence training. Now you can move on to the exercises.

Chapter 7

Related information.

Language of emotions

The need for acquired learned ways of expressing feelings is associated with the social nature of man. Everything that concerns relationships between people, as a rule, presupposes clear norms that are mandatory for all members of a given culture. This creates the possibility of intentional expression of emotions, as well as control over this expression. As a result, expressive movements acquire the character of a specific “language”, with the help of which people reveal their positions and relationships to each other and report their experiences.

Most people master the language of emotions without much difficulty. Our judgments about the emotional state of other people are usually based not only on observations of their facial expressions, but also on gestures and voice, and on the situation in which the person is located. And yet, not everyone achieves satisfactory results. Understanding the language of emotions requires the ability and willingness to analyze and learn from the specific language of those around us.

The reasons why not every person wants and can carry out such an analysis are different. Some are overly focused on their own personality and therefore are unable to notice and correctly assess the condition of other people. For some, inattention to others is associated with a sense of self-superiority. There are people who do not understand the expression of emotions in others, because for one reason or another it is beneficial for them.

communicating to your partner about your feelings and experiences in the form of verbal messages.

The ways of expressing emotions and the degree of their adequacy to the experienced state become an independent problem of interpersonal relationships, because in the process of interpersonal communication we inform each other not only about our own emotional state, but also about our attitude towards each other. It must be remembered that:

1. Emotions, attitudes towards them and ways of expressing them are part of the communication style of any person. According to the degree of emotional expressiveness, people can be placed on a scale from extremely expressive to extremely reserved. Insufficient emotional expressiveness (as well as excessive), its inadequacy to the conditions is one of the most important sources of conflict in interpersonal relationships. Excessive restraint in the expression of emotions and feelings leads to the fact that a person is perceived as cold, indifferent, and arrogant. Sometimes this only causes surprise, sometimes it gives rise to hostility and becomes an obstacle to the establishment of normal relations between people.

Concealment, concealment, indecisiveness in expressing feelings in interpersonal relationships can lead to the following consequences. Unexpressed feelings create an atmosphere of misunderstanding, distortion, and make judgments and actions biased. It becomes many times more difficult to solve interpersonal problems. On the contrary, the quality of relationships is much improved if partners are free to express both positive and negative feelings. Long-term suppression of feelings can eventually cause a person to be unable to feel at all.

2. The manifestation of a situational emotion is fleeting, but the reaction of another person to it can be long-lasting. In this case, both the self-esteem factor and the effects of perception are at work. An insecure person is very sensitive to all assessments that affect him in one way or another. We can forget about what we said in an irritated state, while our interlocutor will painfully and for a long time experience what he heard.

3. The emotion may not be accurately encoded or decoded. Someone does not know how to express emotions because they have not mastered the forms of expression accepted in society. Some people distort emotion out of fear of revealing their own feelings, such as fear of losing self-control or being compromised, rejected, or ridiculed. Sometimes the poverty of forms of emotional behavior is associated with the characteristics of communication in the family or with the immediate environment.

Decoding is associated with checking the accuracy of one's own perceptions, which involves assessing the mood of others in the form of a guess. Techniques by which this control can be exercised include questions such as: “Are you surprised by what N said to you?”, “It seems to me that you are angry that no one paid attention to your ideas,” “Maybe I said something offensive to you?”, “Are you upset?” and so on.

4. For many people, the most difficult thing is to communicate the negative emotions experienced here and now to the eyes of the person present. The easiest way is to speak positively about the absent person, remembering a situation that happened in the past.

There are usually three possible ways of expressing an emotional state:

• unpersistent, the purpose of which is rather to hide the true emotion;
• aggressive, the purpose of which is to “teach a lesson” to the partner;
• open, or confident, the purpose of which is to let you know how you feel without causing feelings of guilt or aggression in your partner, and in the case of your own negative emotions, to communicate them in a way that allows you to understand.

The message structure itself will be different in each of these methods.

Thus, an aggressive message, in addition to the fact that it uses strong evaluative definitions, is usually constructed as a “you-message”, in which responsibility for the experienced emotion is placed on another person (“you’re making me angry”, “you’ve offended ) me”, “how I’m tired of you”). Statements of this kind have a double effect: on the one hand, the accusation sounding in them makes the accused want to defend himself rather than understand the cause of the negative emotion; on the other hand, by defining the other as responsible for his emotion, the addressee thereby transfers to him power over himself, since the change in his emotional state now depends on his partner.

Messages even about negative emotions that do not destroy the atmosphere of trust and partnership should be in the nature of “I-messages”. This, on the one hand, allows others to understand you without threatening their self-esteem, and on the other hand, it allows you to take responsibility for your emotions, therefore, opens up the possibility of managing them (“I’m nervous because it seems to me that you’re not doing it on purpose.” the way I ask”, “I was upset because I was hoping to spend time together”).

Let us pay attention to the fact that an open communication about one’s emotions is also accompanied by a disclosure of the reasons that caused this state and the needs that were affected.

By analogy with the widely used concept of “social competence” (the ability to effectively interact with other people), the concept of “emotional competence” is used - the ability to act in accordance with the internal environment of one’s feelings and desires. Emotional and social competence are interrelated; accurate emotional communication with others improves the quality of interpersonal relationships; in turn, interaction with other people allows you to more accurately understand your feelings and desires.

communicating to your partner about your feelings and experiences in the form of verbal messages.

The ways of expressing emotions and the degree of their adequacy to the experienced state become an independent problem of interpersonal relationships, because in the process of interpersonal communication we inform each other not only about our own emotional state, but also about our attitude towards each other. It must be remembered that:

1. Emotions, attitudes towards them and ways of expressing them are part of the communication style of any person. According to the degree of emotional expressiveness, people can be placed on a scale from extremely expressive to extremely reserved. Insufficient emotional expressiveness (as well as excessive), its inadequacy to the conditions is one of the most important sources of conflict in interpersonal relationships. Excessive restraint in the expression of emotions and feelings leads to the fact that a person is perceived as cold, indifferent, and arrogant. Sometimes this only causes surprise, sometimes it gives rise to hostility and becomes an obstacle to the establishment of normal relations between people.

Concealment, concealment, indecisiveness in expressing feelings in interpersonal relationships can lead to the following consequences. Unexpressed feelings create an atmosphere of misunderstanding, distortion, and make judgments and actions biased. It becomes many times more difficult to solve interpersonal problems. On the contrary, the quality of relationships is much improved if partners are free to express both positive and negative feelings. Long-term suppression of feelings can eventually cause a person to be unable to feel at all.

2. The manifestation of a situational emotion is fleeting, but the reaction of another person to it can be long-lasting. In this case, both the self-esteem factor and the effects of perception are at work. An insecure person is very sensitive to all assessments that affect him in one way or another. We can forget about what we said in an irritated state, while our interlocutor will painfully and for a long time experience what he heard.

3. The emotion may not be accurately encoded or decoded. Someone does not know how to express emotions because they have not mastered the forms of expression accepted in society. Some people distort emotion out of fear of revealing their own feelings, such as fear of losing self-control or being compromised, rejected, or ridiculed. Sometimes the poverty of forms of emotional behavior is associated with the characteristics of communication in the family or with the immediate environment.

Decoding is associated with checking the accuracy of one's own perceptions, which involves assessing the mood of others in the form of a guess. Techniques by which this control can be exercised include questions such as: “Are you surprised by what N said to you?”, “It seems to me that you are angry that no one paid attention to your ideas,” “Maybe I said something offensive to you?”, “Are you upset?” and so on.

4. For many people, the most difficult thing is to communicate the negative emotions experienced here and now to the eyes of the person present. The easiest way is to speak positively about the absent person, remembering a situation that happened in the past.

There are usually three possible ways of expressing an emotional state:

• unpersistent, the purpose of which is rather to hide the true emotion;
• aggressive, the purpose of which is to “teach a lesson” to the partner;
• open, or confident, the purpose of which is to let you know how you feel without causing feelings of guilt or aggression in your partner, and in the case of your own negative emotions, to communicate them in a way that allows you to understand.

The message structure itself will be different in each of these methods.

Thus, an aggressive message, in addition to the fact that it uses strong evaluative definitions, is usually constructed as a “you-message”, in which responsibility for the experienced emotion is placed on another person (“you’re making me angry”, “you’ve offended ) me”, “how I’m tired of you”). Statements of this kind have a double effect: on the one hand, the accusation sounding in them makes the accused want to defend himself rather than understand the cause of the negative emotion; on the other hand, by defining the other as responsible for his emotion, the addressee thereby transfers to him power over himself, since the change in his emotional state now depends on his partner.

Messages even about negative emotions that do not destroy the atmosphere of trust and partnership should be in the nature of “I-messages”. This, on the one hand, allows others to understand you without threatening their self-esteem, and on the other hand, it allows you to take responsibility for your emotions, therefore, opens up the possibility of managing them (“I’m nervous because it seems to me that you’re not doing it on purpose.” the way I ask”, “I was upset because I was hoping to spend time together”).

Let us pay attention to the fact that an open communication about one’s emotions is also accompanied by a disclosure of the reasons that caused this state and the needs that were affected.

By analogy with the widely used concept of “social competence” (the ability to effectively interact with other people), the concept of “emotional competence” is used - the ability to act in accordance with the internal environment of one’s feelings and desires. Emotional and social competence are interrelated; accurate emotional communication with others improves the quality of interpersonal relationships; in turn, interaction with other people allows you to more accurately understand your feelings and desires.