Funny horoscope 3.50 /5 (4 votes)
Aries is an emotional bastard.
If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. Pride does not allow asking for forgiveness. I am convinced that the truth is in him.
Excuses: “Something came up”, “Damn confused me” etc.
Taurus is a greedy bastard.
We are obsessed with the idea of purchasing. A purposeful avenger, he always calculates the trajectory of the strike to be sure.
Excuses: "You are worthy of such a fate".
Geminis are a careless bastard.
Loves games, jokes, cheerful company. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"
Cancer is a miserable bastard.
Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, receptivity, he is always an “angel-like creature” who innocently suffered, while his opponent is a monster in “devilish guise”, even if Cancer himself is a champion in nastiness and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how unfairly you treated him.
Excuses: “It’s your fault that I’m like this!”
Leo is a pompous bastard.
Well, everything is clear here, the crown is pressing, the greatness of the world is being distorted. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: “I wanted it that way.”
Virgo is a vindictive bastard.
In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, he paints his portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah, and don’t let you be careless in speaking unsatisfactorily and unfavorably about her. He may wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphantly "Do you remember …"
Libra is a mercantile bastard.
Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos get out of sticky situations. A real politician, pursuing his own interests, will promise, lie, or slander if necessary.
Excuses: none. Nacoyotil and disappeared.
Scorpio is a first-class bastard.
Those who like to create a veil of mystery around themselves such that they themselves become entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for the ideal clouds their mind, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If, from their point of view, you have violated some rules, you must be punished.
Excuses: none.
Sagittarius is a cantankerous bastard.
A very complex creature, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and, quite successfully, in this matter. Tram squabbles, market squabbles, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can relieve your soul - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.
Capricorn is a clueless bastard.
Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, with its horns resting “in anywhere”, does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will resolve itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did this happen?”
Excuses: "It happened".
- Aries (March 21 - April 20): level of craziness - 30%!
If you go to the mountains with someone, then only with Aries. They are avid extreme sports enthusiasts, and they will always give a helping hand to their comrade. Aries clearly follow their path and achieve their goals. Many plans are ripening in their heads, which sometimes seem absolutely crazy. One can only envy their courage and perseverance! - Taurus (April 21 - May 21): level of craziness - 40%!
Stubbornness is the main trait of this sign. Taurus will drive anyone crazy: it is so important for them to prove that they are right. This makes them a little strange in the eyes of other people. Taurus are comprehensively developed, they have a kind heart and iron willpower.
- Gemini (May 22 - June 21): level of craziness - 100%!
The craziest sign of the zodiac. Geminis are fickle and frivolous, you never know what they have in store for you today. But you will never get bored with them! They have a lot of incredible stories and tales from life. Only Geminis are capable of reaching a completely crazy ending in their adventures.
- Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Crazy level - 90%!
Cancers are famous for their sudden mood swings. They prefer not to leave the house, but if they go to a nightclub, beware. They are the ones who, in a state of intoxication, write crazy messages to their exes. You never know what's on a Cancer's mind, and it drives you crazy!
- Leo (July 23 - August 21): level of madness - 80%!
Representatives of this sign are accustomed to being the center of attention; they love noisy parties and large companies. Leos quickly get drunk, and this loosens their tongue so much that those around them often have to blush. These people have no brakes, they don’t know how to stop in time.
- Virgo (August 22 - September 23): level of madness - 70%!
Virgo works tirelessly on herself, strives for perfection in everything. Control and power are her main passions. These people are capable of doing noble deeds, but they expect recognition for it. Their desire to appear ideal in the eyes of people completely takes over them.
- Libra (September 24 - October 23): level of madness - 30%!
Libras are obsessed with finding balance in everything. Sometimes they are ready to go to extremes, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Libra will do anything to get the object of their affection, even stooping to gossip.
- Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): level of madness - 40%!
The statement that Scorpios sting unbearably is true. Of course, they have no equal in resourcefulness and insight, but this still does not brighten up their shortcomings. Scorpio is the most sensual sign of the zodiac, he is a master of beautiful courtship and romantic gestures. His sexual energy flows over the edge, so few people manage to cope with this raging flow of passion.
- Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22): level of madness - 50%!
Sagittarians proudly carry the banner of justice and truth all their lives. And it’s better not to interfere with this! Nothing can outrage them more than a restriction of personal freedom. In addition, Sagittarians are easily fired up by ideas that sometimes blind their minds.
- Capricorn (December 23 - January 20): level of craziness - 60%!
Capricorns are workaholics! They shoulder the most difficult tasks and tackle them with passion. Capricorns are not averse to showing off their intelligence and professionalism. If they are at the head of any business, you should not expect any concessions.Capricorns stick to their guns, even if they are wrong. This feature extends to personal life: the partner will always be on a tight rein. Their madness lies in the desire to keep everything under control.
- Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): level of craziness - 20%!
Aquarius is like a crazy professor who is used to living in his illusions. It's very easy to fool, and people are used to using it. That is why this zodiac sign often becomes a victim of scammers, and simply those who are looking for easy prey.
- Pisces (February 20 - March 20): level of madness - 10%!
Pisces are the least crazy among the other zodiac signs. They are calm and peaceful, you can always rely on them. Pisces are ready to sacrifice their interests just to brighten up someone’s loneliness. These character traits make them the most thoughtful, wise and empathetic.
Of course, a comic horoscope based on zodiac signs has a right to life. Some people believe that such horoscopes are unreliable, however, by reading short, sparkling characteristics, they recognize themselves and their friends.
It is a cool horoscope based on the zodiac signs that calls things by their proper names. If you have a sense of humor, read it!
Cool horoscope according to the zodiac signs of the element of Fire
The Ram is always right, he knows the price of everything, it’s easier to shoot him than to argue. Impeccably honest. If a suit doesn’t suit you or you’re overweight, he’ll be honest about it. In everyday life he is usually useless, but he generates brilliant ideas to match Sagittarius.
Leo - cool horoscope according to zodiac signs
People are divided into two types - those close to them and everyone else. He is an egoist, but he is forgiven for his holy belief in his own impeccability. The best in everything! He makes it clear to his marriage partner that it came to him along with the status of the lion's chosen one. Unarmed in the face of flattery, with the help of which one can twist ropes out of the Leo zodiac sign.
Sagittarius - a comic horoscope for the zodiac sign
Sagittarius readily expresses his opinions even when he is advised to hold his tongue. But the mouth of the Sagittarius zodiac sign does not close, because his personal opinion should become the truth for everyone. A lucky sign in life! Sagittarius has a lot of friends who, if something happens, will not let him disappear.
Comic horoscope according to the zodiac signs of the Earth element
More stubborn than Aries, just stubborn, but not an innovator, boring and greedy. It doesn't have this charming sheepish indifference and... The zodiac sign Taurus is an unsurpassed slow-witted person. Lustful. Constant in affections. Distrustful and wary of new people, but will stand up for old friends.
Virgo - comic horoscope by zodiac sign
According to statistics, most psychopathic maniacs are born under the Virgo zodiac sign. These heartless monsters poison the lives of everyone who finds themselves in the same territory with them with their pedantry and love of law and order. But in everyday life, Virgo is useful like no other.
Capricorn - a cool horoscope about zodiac signs
Happiness can only be achieved in one way - by breaking in like hell. The meaning of his life is in work. At first he seems meek, but at the first opportunity he will give you a noticeable poke. He receives the greatest pleasure if he manages to do this with Leo, whom he cannot stand for his arrogance. Leo responds to him in kind, cannot stand this dirty trick, and if at the moment of the poke Leo is not in the mood, the zodiac sign Capricorn must immediately run away, otherwise things will end badly.
Comic horoscope according to the zodiac signs of the air element
Twins
No one realizes how difficult it is for the Gemini zodiac sign to survive in this huge world of possibilities! Choice is Gemini's obsessive nightmare. They always feel like life is passing them by, even if they get caught up in events.
Libra - cool horoscope according to zodiac signs
Libras consider themselves aesthetes, are unreliable, have seven Fridays a week, and are yearning, which is unattainable in principle for the Libra zodiac sign, because they are in constant dissonance between reality and what they want. They are indecisive, and therefore suffer from nervous ailments.
Aquarius - a comic horoscope for the zodiac sign
Looks like it fell from an oak tree. Oddly enough, many people like this. Even if in the life of the Aquarius zodiac sign everything goes wrong, he manages to give advice that works! Potential criminal. There is no Aquarius without a criminal past; he breaks the law with pleasure and, unlike Gemini, he understands perfectly well what he is doing.
Cool horoscope for the zodiac signs of Water
There is no sign more suspicious than Cancer! Constantly imagines the end of the world, is afraid of his own shadow, falls into hysterics and seeks consolation from Virgo. Disgust. He bores those around him with conversations about his illnesses, which is why everyone except Taurus runs away in horror. Has a penchant for philosophy and alcoholism. The first, as well as the second, is contraindicated for the Cancer zodiac sign.
IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I STANDED UPON THIS FUNNY HOROSCOPE.
I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF... BUT SO MUCH THINGS COINCIDE...?!
TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE THIS SHOULD BE AMAZING TO YOU?
Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as an engaging, energetic personality, endowed with the charisma of a born leader and revolutionary. He rapidly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.
The truth is that he is an overbearing, self-centered bastard, only interested in himself and with an inflated ego.
In Aries, Mars gives a person courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as hot temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. A typical Aries flies through life at full steam, challenging anyone who stands in his way. Endowed with fearlessness by nature, he calmly rushes into battle, even with an obviously strong opponent. If you are unlucky and fall under his feet, you will fully experience for yourself what an irritated Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even throw his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, out of the blue, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner empty-handed. Most of all he is afraid of being considered ignoble!
He is hurt by the condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take painful revenge. Although by nature he is not so vindictive. 
Aries does not reason in detail, he simply reacts to stimuli, he first acts and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think...
Without an iota of humility, he never admits his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.
You start arguing with him and a barrage of screams and insults will fall on you; if you prove that you are right, he will be offended like a child and go away to sulk in a corner. Aries is characterized by a complete lack of taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do it, they are more attracted to moving objects... They especially adore cars.
What is characteristic is that they are selfless in love...
CALF. (April 20-May 20) 
Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eater, thrifty homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of ruling the World.
But in real life, you will have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with weight problems.
When you hear the word Taurus or bull, people’s imaginations conjure up an image of a large animal peacefully chewing grass, blinking its large shiny eyes with satisfaction. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves in his field, you will get such a storm!
Whichever Taurus you interact with, be it a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His rage is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will instantly regret that bullfighting was abolished in your country!
His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone’s lower jaw protrudes forward at least a little, they subconsciously bow their heads and look at you from under their brows, just like a bull before an attack...
Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, which gives it insatiability.
Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always small, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not to the fullest... They are emotional, but not intellectual, and from childhood they take advantage of hard work and diligence. They don’t know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they learn something, it’s for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or give up halfway... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist... They love to sit at all kinds of meetings, sessions, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper… 
They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, so neither logic nor reasonable arguments work on them. If you start arguing with him, you will feel like you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. His great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature and are prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to weight and therefore sometimes allow themselves harsh behavior, but they just want to eat.
Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, they like to be late... They are usually very good parents, but they like to pamper their children.
Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Geminis are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a lot of talents, charming intellectuals, capable of solving several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.
In fact, being close to Gemini is like getting a job in a madhouse; surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.
They are not smart, but cunning, cunning and resourceful, rather talkers than philosophers. They think quickly and strangely, the main goal in their life is to become famous and, in turn, meet all the celebrities around them.
Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where famous audiences gather and talk about high things... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, the fast god who has wings on his sandals! He transports them from one place to another with lightning speed, and the element air is impermanence itself.
It is impossible to convince a Gemini; they are very stubborn, but they pass off their stubbornness as breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but seem to glide along the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, but they know for sure that they are right! 
In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, they are attracted to new people by their freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly enchanted, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but can be consoled in a quarter of an hour by seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have an excellent sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always think that the neighbor on the landing looks better and begin to copy her, because they have two faces, they are constantly in change...
Envy, passion for gossip and intrigue, constant changes in mood and point of view... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they can especially cause a lot of suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios... But people fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more worthy than them... it’s just that these victims fell into the net of their charm. Geminis are always thin, food does not give them the same satisfaction as, for example, good music, a declaration of love, poetry, or a walk in the forest.
CANCER. (June 21-July 22) 
Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of domestic, private life. Compliant astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, is caring, and is completely devoted to family and friends.
The truth is that Cancers are slippery creatures, prone to manipulating people and, in turn, demanding absolute devotion from loved ones.
All Water signs are sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is simply the champion of emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily; the mood of Cancer is the ebb and flow of the tides, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can easily be rude, insult, and is very often ready to cheat, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.
Cancer is capable of joking, laughing and getting angry, or being offended and crying at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine...
He has several points of view on the same question and all of them, by the way, are correct; he is not at all stubborn, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way. 
Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even shudder, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.
Cancers don't reason, they get offended...
Weepy.
Forcing Cancer to look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he has lost, do not extend your hand to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves old things, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a bit of a seer in the eyes of other people, wonderful parents, but dubious partners... Especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and those around them often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely noticeable 
s in society, usually these are quiet mothers of families or mediocre officials, but this does not mean anything, if Cancer gets a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole to illegally increase his salary. They love to work where there is a smell of money.
Leo is the fifth sign of the Zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Leos are proud, confident, fun-loving people, loyal, generous, elegant. Most likely, these books were written by the Leo astrologer. 
In fact, Leos always crave to be in the center of attention, power fanatics of their own “I”, whose immaturity and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to control others.
Leo is ruled by the Sun, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers itself the center around which everything should revolve. Of course, they crave obvious worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider it the main thing in everything.
Leos are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky, or crafty quiet ones with a sense of self-esteem.
Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for a while, but don’t be deceived, there are no shy and shy Leos in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them moody, and when they lose touch with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially as they age, believing that their whole life is a vale of misery. In fact, they roar and cause suffering to others without any embarrassment. 
Instead of building relationships with people, they torment them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.
Win an argument with him, he will fall silent, stare at you and go into the shadows, pondering the next attack.
Leos make the most devoted mama's boys. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it for the rest of their lives.
Lionesses make fanatical mothers who take great pleasure in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law.
Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully portray Virgo as a modest, practical, sweet person, logical, discerning and meticulous. 
However, if you take a closer look, you will find a restless, fussy, petty critic and a hypocrite, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments.
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.
Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Geminis, but they stand too firmly on the ground.
Virgos get worried about everything.
They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors and dispense unsolicited advice with the gravity of an elementary school teacher.
Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they completely ignore their character, which cannot be called pleasant.
Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life. 
All Virgo’s fantasies and dreams have an absolutely practical purpose, Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that the other day she just got a larger piece.
Virgo can get a job in any organization, even in Horns and Hooves, and calmly have their piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all they fear for their health, therefore, no matter what, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking, they do not tell anyone, even themselves, the whole truth.
Always on the sidelines, they know how to pull chestnuts out of the fire with someone else’s hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; she has long ago calculated the dividends for herself.
They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything has a depressing effect on Virgo.
Virgo is obsessed with neatness, they are easily recognized by their appearance, they are always neatly dressed and combed. Men often get married very late or even remain single, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men enjoy doing housework.
This sign, both in the Zodiac and in life, embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.
Astrologers endow him with the highest harmony, they claim that Libra is always impartial, diplomatic and always strives for peace, that they spend their entire lives looking for truth, beauty and the perfect life partner.
In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, hide those who like to pamper themselves, their Beloved, people who indulge only their own whims in everything, their ears are tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and greatness in them than in a green leaf.
Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that it gives a person an endless thirst for improvement. They definitely need to be the first, they are never satisfied, neither with themselves nor with their partner.
As one of the domineering cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal insult.
They get angry even if you just change the TV to another channel.
According to Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective and not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.
If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness because they are afraid of power. 
All Libras necessarily have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women it’s either weight, or height, or not-too-smooth skin; for men it’s even worse; even a beautiful wife won’t help him stop being tormented by the fact that someone else might be better...
Libras get married only by calculation; if the calculation turns out to be wrong, they often do not muster the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nagging, sometimes destroying him as a person.
At heart they are cowards and a shout is enough for them, but they are offended for life... They are geniuses in love and very often have affairs with married people, because to take someone away from them, what could be more pleasant? You don’t have to ask them for a loan... they won’t give it. When it comes to raising children, they are complete ignoramuses, either pampering or demanding impossible obedience; as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libra themselves are always disobedient and rough-necked in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people; they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!
SCORPION(October 23-November 21) 
Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, resides in the House of Death, Sex and Other People's Possessions.
Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate creature, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift of rebirth and rising from the ashes, like the Phoenix.
But a comparison with Dracula rising from the grave is more suitable for him.
These are people possessed by obsessive ideas, very secretive subjects prone to assault, who feed their pride by humiliating others.
Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from boiling toxic emotions by only a thin layer of skin.
The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed instinct for survival in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio; only he himself can hit him. Which is what Scorpio usually does at the end of life.
Scorpio rarely lives out his life happily; usually his unbridled imagination and instinct of ownership push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.
But mind you, not anyone, but only himself, is doing a dirty trick on himself.
His favorite game in life is Bonfire of the Inquisition. If you die, then you are innocent, if you remain alive, then you are guilty.
They deliberately cause harm to loved ones; as a rule, their marriages do not last long, especially the first ones, not very 
There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everyone in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are by nature endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant narcissism.
Their intuition is so developed that they see people 
through. Very religious. Perhaps the most religious of all signs.
If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you. Scorpios are very vindictive, they do not forget anything and never forgive.
They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late to them. As a rule, they are very hot-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, they are often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a broad gesture, but here 
they will demand something in return.
Their motto: All or nothing!
If you get a divorce, then they try in every way to annoy your ex and pay alimony with great reluctance.
Greedy beef and all the money in the world are never enough for them.
Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and resides in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.
Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, cheerful, honest people with a philosophical view of life and events in the world, and passionate travelers.
However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a loudmouth and a bully, always speaking out of place. 
Sagittarius is ruled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his wards with a restless character and extravagance.
Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their generosity of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm you so much from the first meeting that they immediately remember this person and immediately promote them somewhere.
Becoming a leader or director is a piece of cake for Sagittarius, but he often won’t work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the podium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time educating humanity, which is mired in ignorance.
They don’t know how to act subtly; they need everything to be done right away.
They laugh very loudly or smile cloyingly, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides suppressed rage, and what a rage!
It is because they have to suppress their anger that many of them are violent criminals.
In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings. 
They were born in the dark season, when the days are shortest and the nights are longest and their souls are often also twilight, they suffer from attacks of melancholy, they constantly want fiesta.
Their favorite entertainment is the circus; they love loud music, which is why there are so many artists, singers, and musicians among them.
Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. The lack of sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and they have frequent conflicts in their families, while they argue, yell, and then can calmly make peace and talk an hour later as if nothing had happened.
They are very emotional, capricious, and fickle.
They cheat easily in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start to prove your point of view, your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.
As a rule, Sagittarius women always have a lot of children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy 
protect themselves and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be another child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to get the baby to be nursed by someone, they harass their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they love five-day days, because for them going to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home to the children after work, it may well go listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, although she doesn’t have any orchids.
Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: house elder, combatants, fireman, stewardess, conductor of the Moscow-Vladivostok carriage - what could be more pleasant?
Generous astrologers describe this person as a traditionalist, a determined and purposeful person, a very selective person, with good taste and a sense of style.
It would be possible not to try hard with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.
If you are dealing with a Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his power, pompousness, these people clutch the Civil Code in one hand and the marriage contract in the other.
Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-minded. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then brought their weak-willed husbands into the people, and they were not given anything else. 
All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their herd. Although a fish tail in their sign indicates a moist and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely visible, they are not sweetly sentimental like Pisces.
Showing emotions is considered indecent, but they are ardent in nature.
More than anything else, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to achieve their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and listening to them is tiring, they do not have flights of thought and imagination, like Pisces and Gemini, everything is the naked truth. They also have a poor sense of humor. 
Capricorns are very serious and lack spontaneity. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?
They think very little about love, they are interested in material values, but in their youth it seems to them: It’s time, it’s time to start a family, I’m already an adult
Namely, they think about family, not about love.
At a fairly young age they achieve material success, and having achieved it they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to be happy, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if not, then only their favorite JOB!
And only this brings him happiness; to all his partner’s lamentations he has an excuse: I’m busy! Money is an end in itself for Capricorn.
In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health and are chronic long-livers.
According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications He was, of course, a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.
If you win the argument, it is likely that your phone will ring at night; Capricorn has decided to offer you a counter-argument...
Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.
To you, he will most likely seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell everyone he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.
To bring confusion and disorder is the true purpose of Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he's doing this. 
Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has the desire to drink or smoke... They are very prone to bad habits.
Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.
Aquarius is ruled by two planets - Uranus and Saturn.
Uranus is the planet of sudden changes and revolutions. Saturn is the planet of dogma and repression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.
Aquarians are aloof people, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.
They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when I save money, when I retire... But life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.
They don’t even wear clothes right away; they usually hang them in the closet for years until they go out of fashion.
They are often very insightful and have a good understanding of people, but their problem is that they can never understand themselves... Marriages with them break up easily, like ninepins... But they are never left alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired ...
By old age, their weakest organ is the head, often memory loss, and nervous disorders. Therefore, if you get an Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.
Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which absorbs the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth along a moonbeam, people prone to introspection, sensitive to the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals... 
Scrape off the gilt and you will find a dreamer overturned by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.
Pisces is ruled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and it is he who endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!
They evaluate every action through the prism of their prejudices, against which any truth is shattered..
This makes Pisces champions among losers, but they endure all adversity easily, for the sole reason that not knowing how to get out of the situation, they resign themselves to it, and the current carries them out on its own. 
They are not fighters, they don’t lay down their weapons, they don’t even know how to pick them up!
This makes them surprisingly resilient, but far from reality.
They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and unwillingness to take risks keeps them down and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is enormous.
They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are lazy...
Ambition is a trait generally unknown to them; they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital from it.
But Neptune is the god of the sea elements, so Pisces are hot-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and begin to talk as if nothing had happened, they have a wonderful sense of humor, but sometimes it is cruel satire.
All Pisces speak first and think later.
But they are certainly interesting people, and the taste, style and charm they have often makes you come to terms with and digest their intolerable character. 
They are quick-tempered, but quick-witted, they say about themselves, without noticing that they have a lot of enemies.
Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including the offenders, many take this for courage, but this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.
