Why do people cheat on each other? Can this be avoided? The most common psychological problems in a couple that can lead to the betrayal of one of them. All the variety of reasons that push people to commit adultery can be reduced to the main ones.

Physical cheating is nothing if it means nothing. Be afraid of betrayal of your soul... If you stopped loving you and fell in love with someone else, that’s an ass. This is the loss of a person and nothing can be done about it...

If they really love each other, they won’t cheat! Simply because they love, they are afraid of hurting and losing a loved one. Although no matter how much I love, I will not forgive betrayal. My husband didn’t cheat on me and I didn’t cheat on him either... But he died... a few years later I started dating a man... Then I found out that he had cheated. Loved... It hurt. But I left. Now I’m alone (((forgotten. But I’m afraid it’ll cost me a new relationship because I don’t want such pain again...

Alik. My life also eats betrayal, we haven’t lived in this place for a year and a half, we have two children, a son and a daughter, they are still raspberry, I don’t know what they’ll do to me

Thekla, I see you haven’t read the covenants yourself.
It is said about treason that it is a mortal sin.
But nowhere in the new covenant is adultery justified. On the contrary, it is condemned.
Cheating is the reason and cause of divorce and discord in relationships.
I hardly think you will be happy if your beloved, who has sunk into your soul, cheats on you without protection, and then also has you with the same penis, and even infects you with some kind of infection. After this, there will be little joy and love left in you for him, and at the same time there will be little trust in the future.

And in order to throw around facts, they must first be provided, based on reliable sources. Your words are not a fact of the majority and represent purely your personal opinion.

Re-read Abraham's answer!
If you are not ready to start a family, then do not get involved in this matter. Don't denigrate the concept of family. If someone believes that people who have gotten married and signed are not each other’s property and a single whole, that he belongs only to her, and she belongs only to him, then you are simply not ready for a family relationship. Or maybe you don’t need a family at all if you are a free bird. Because if something is missing in a relationship with a partner, then you need to solve it with your partner, and not look for something on the side. Otherwise, it all really resembles some kind of prostitution and communal life.

By the way, this statistic is named at random. No serious research has been conducted, and the article does not even link to a reliable source of this research to make such a claim.

I also agree with the comment of the person under the pseudonym “Little Pig”.

Facts are stubborn things. Changes the MOST. The reasons are really different. But, the main thing is that in each specific fact of betrayal they are dominant.
If someone hasn’t cheated before today, don’t rush to call yourself a Human)
It’s not evening yet, firstly, and secondly, read the New Testament. It says it very clearly about adultery...

But that doesn't mean we should if we can. The author didn’t write anything, just a bayan with a hint that he was cuckolding his girlfriend with her husband. Author, don't write anymore. This is mediocre and boring) The trouble is that there is such a thing as “believe what is written.” With a smart face and a glamorous photo, writing nonsense, of course, is not forbidden. Freedom of speech. But you need to think in the right place about what you are inclining public opinion towards. Those who were cattle will remain cattle. And whoever hesitates will find out “oh, everyone does that.” No, they don't. Those who have the right to be called Human.

I agree with Abraham.
And by the way, speaking. If people have a positive attitude towards cheating, then can it be called cheating? Treason is betrayal. When you were traded for someone else (it doesn’t matter if once, or twice or more). When a person didn’t care about your person and maybe they even remembered you in passing, but then they forgot, because here it’s good and cool. So if a person considers treason to be the norm, then it is not treason. Your partner allowed you to be with someone else, he doesn't mind. So you didn't do anything wrong. So you haven't changed.
For me, this is betrayal, this is bad, terrible, etc. But for some it’s different, let them live as they want. But yes, it’s a shame that relationships and marriage are no longer so serious and valuable. But that’s another story, I won’t go deeper.

Sometimes on the side people are looking for what is missing in permanent partnerships, here novelty, and adrenaline, and even the opportunity to get pregnant (!), and conscience, responsibility, and so on are not taken into account here. Another interesting point that often no one wants to know and take into account is whether in marriage or in an open relationship people are partners, free, independent and separately functioning units of society, and not each other’s property, not slaves and concubines, but free people, only those who agreed to live together, voluntarily accept a certain responsibility for themselves and for their partner, and accepted the well-known rules of the game. So if someone suddenly decides to remember that he is on his own, even for a short time, this is normal, and whether his further actions will be moral or immoral is in his head... Such is sociology with psychology :)

All this is bullshit. I believe that people cheat primarily because of sexual promiscuity. And only then they come up with excuses for why this happened.

Alice, if you consider yourself a free person and a unit, then why do you need a family? You just don't need it. Because there is no place for selfishness and pride in a family, which, by the way, can be seen in your answer. On the contrary, selfishness and pride are obstacles in relationships.
This is an illusion that a person being married is “free”, like left to his own devices. Each of the people entering into a relationship acquires certain duties and responsibilities for each other. Otherwise, it already resembles some kind of bestial animal coexistence, and not living together by conscious choice.

I love it when people, having shit themselves, tell you “you’re thinking one-sidedly,” “you need to be able to forgive.” You must be able to not do crap for which others should be able to forgive you.

Guys, you are mistaken. Those who cheat themselves or are inclined to do so are not afraid of betrayal. And if a person is conscientious and does not cheat, then he will not tolerate betrayal. Of course, you can forgive betrayal, but everyone decides for themselves whether to continue living with this person or not. Anyone who is somehow trying to justify whoredom, honestly, you would be comfortable living in Sadoma and Gomora. But for the purity of a relationship, there is no excuse for whoredom. If you are not ready for marriage and want to go for a walk, go for a walk. But don't deceive or betray. Don't deceive yourself or others. Deceiving a person, his hopes, feelings, trust is a sin. For the person trusted you, opened his soul, love and heart. Gives you his love and care as the closest and only person in the world. But instead he receives a knife in the heart in the form of betrayal, the essence of which is: “I am not a person close to you, I do not belong to you, even though we are together.”

Yes you are right. There is a sense of ownership here. But believe me, everyone has this feeling, absolutely. It is not bad, the main thing is that there is no stupid and blind jealousy without a reason and no one gives reasons for jealousy. Jealousy is a very bad feeling, which causes a person to commit rash acts. The same sense of ownership can be observed among parents towards their children. But children will have their own independent lives and parents understand this, and people who live together, build relationships, will either become kindred spirits and truly “close” people to each other, or not. For the same thing (deception and betrayal) can happen to you. And believe me, these are the most unpleasant, dirty and black feelings, from which you yourself feel bad and unbearable and the relationship with the person changes for the worse. Especially if you have trusted this person, love him and you have feelings and common interests for him. Cheating does not contribute to spiritual and family closeness and purity of relationships. Marriage and Family are a safe haven, labor and work. And if you're not ready for this, don't go there.

Guys, you are mistaken. Those who cheat themselves or are inclined to do so are not afraid of betrayal. And if a person is conscientious and does not cheat, then he will not tolerate betrayal. Of course, you can forgive betrayal, but everyone decides for themselves whether to continue living with this person or not. Anyone who somehow tries to justify whoredom, honestly, you would be comfortable living in Sadoma and Gomora. But for the purity of a relationship, there is no excuse for whoredom. If you are not ready for marriage and want to go for a walk, go for a walk. But don't deceive or betray. Don't deceive yourself or others.
Deceiving a person, his hopes, feelings, trust is a sin. For the person trusted you, opened his soul, love and heart. Gives you his love and care as the closest and only person in the world. But instead he receives a knife in the heart in the form of betrayal, the essence of which is: “I am not a person close to you, I do not belong to you, even though we are together.”

Yes you are right. There is a sense of ownership here. But believe me, everyone has this feeling, absolutely. It is not bad, the main thing is that there is no stupid and blind jealousy without a reason and no one gives reasons for jealousy. Jealousy is a very bad feeling, which causes a person to commit rash acts.
The same sense of ownership can be observed among parents towards their children. But children will have their own independent lives and parents understand this, and people who live together, build relationships, will either become kindred spirits and truly “close” people to each other, or not.
For the same thing (deception and betrayal) can happen to you. And believe me, these are the most unpleasant, dirty and black feelings, from which you yourself feel bad and unbearable and the relationship with the person changes for the worse. Especially if you have trusted this person, love him and you have feelings and common interests for him.
Cheating does not contribute to spiritual and family closeness and purity of relationships.
Marriage and Family are a safe haven, labor and work. And if you're not ready for this, don't go there.

What pushes people to cheat on their partner? We tried to figure it out and collected several opinions

Here's what they write about it in MEN's LIFE magazine:

Canadian experts became interested in why people cheat on each other, and what personal traits and relationship characteristics influence the tendency to commit adultery.

A survey of 918 heterosexual men and women in monogamous relationships found that 23% of husbands and 19% of wives had cheated on their partners. Infidelity, for the purposes of the study, was defined as a sexual relationship with another person that could seriously damage the current union.

The main reason for female infidelity is dissatisfaction with the quality of the relationship with a partner. Women who are unhappy in their marriages are 2.6 times more likely to cheat than those who have no complaints about the relationship. Also, sexual dissatisfaction leads to a search for adventure on the side: the risk of betrayal in this case is increased by 2.9 times.

Scientists were surprised to discover that many men are driven to cheat by lack of confidence in their own abilities in bed. “If a man makes love to a woman he may never see again, he will have no problem with his ego being bruised. Or, in order to be properly aroused and on top, a man constantly needs new experiences and new partners,” the researchers explain.

More often, those who do not care about the consequences of their sexual behavior, as well as easily excitable people, cheat on their partners. However, this does not mean that they will necessarily be unfaithful in marriage. Scientists believe that one of the best ways to avoid cheating is frankness between partners, as well as a willingness to openly discuss their problems and needs.

The St. Petersburg newspaper Fontanka also did not pass by:

Why do men cheat?

Representatives of the stronger sex admit that they are looking for relationships on the side, mainly due to dissatisfaction with family sexual relationships. The reason for going “to the left” is most often the desire for new impressions and sensations. Unfaithful husbands justify their desire to taste “strawberries” with physiological and psychological characteristics inherent to the stronger sex: “I’m a man, a male!”, “Everyone does this, I’m no exception.” It's no secret that men are attracted to everything new. They are designed this way, because their natural task is to fertilize, to place their genes. Therefore, the new woman excites them more than the old one.

By the way, representatives of the stronger sex perceive the fact of betrayal much more painfully than women. This is explained by the fact that each of them wants to be sure that he is providing for and protecting his offspring. This instinct is genetically fixed in men. In nature, the same thing happens: males do not favor strangers, drive them out of their territory, and do not allow them to approach their females.

The famous sexologist, psychotherapist, candidate of medical sciences Alexander Poleev divides men who enter into extramarital affairs into three groups.

Representatives of the first group breed cupids 2-3 times a year. Novels last relatively short time, from two to five months. The man carefully keeps secrets and hides his affair from his wife. And if she reveals herself, it is not his fault. After the end of the affair, the spouse remains faithful to his other half for quite a long time. However, he remains on friendly terms with his former “shuram-muram” partner.

Representatives of the second group do not have long-term affairs. They are content with one-time sexual contacts that happen on business trips, at parties, corporate events, on vacation - wherever the situation is favorable. A wife almost never finds out about her husband’s “cute pranks,” unless he inadvertently reveals himself.

Finally, the third group unites the most malicious cheaters. They have affairs on the side throughout their lives - from the first years of marriage to the end. They never openly tell their wife about this, but they don’t really keep secrets either. The duration of their romances varies greatly: with some they date for a couple of weeks, with others for a year, with others for three. It is characteristic that they have practically no breaks between successive connections: as soon as one ends, another soon begins.

By the way, an interesting detail. The partners of inveterate cheaters do not correspond to their social status; on the contrary, they are always below them on the social ladder - these are saleswomen in a stall, couriers. (Whereas in ordinary romances, men choose partners from approximately the same social circle).

Another characteristic nuance. In these relationships there is no emotional uplift, passion, or love. This is simply a sexual relationship that is purely carnal in nature. A man does not have a desire to spend a lot of time with his partner, for example, to go on vacation with her, on weekends, to go to the theater, etc. He does not even always spend the night with her. Here relationships are built according to a different scheme: you come, enjoy yourself and leave. By the way, such a connection is most often broken by the mistress, dissatisfied with the superficial consumer nature of the relationship.

Malicious cheaters are hidden sadists. They will never directly tell their wife that they have another woman. But they tell her about this in other ways: they carefully look after themselves, dress well, sometimes they bring home some gifts from their mistress and say that they were “given at work.” In words they deny their infidelity in every possible way. But on a non-verbal level they make it clear to the wife what is really happening. At the same time, they are caring husbands, provide for their family with dignity, and pay attention to the child.

What drives women to cheat?

Representatives of the fairer sex are driven, first of all, by dissatisfaction with the family situation, conflicts, and the inattention of their spouse. They are pushed to cheat by rudeness, indifference, disrespect from their husbands and, as a result, the desire for revenge: “I paid him back in the same coin,” “I took revenge for his jealousy, endless accusations and suspicions.”

Women have another motive, and it manifests itself more often than men. Often they cheat because they met a new love who captured them so much that they lost their heads. In men, this motive is less common.

It is inherent in every woman that she should be seductive and excite members of the opposite sex (after all, her genetic task is to give birth and continue the race). If the husband stops complimenting his wife, then she “withers” and begins to doubt her attractiveness, sex appeal and feminine irresistibility. This leads to the fact that she begins to look for confirmation of this on the side. Female infidelity is always a sign of desperation.

Women need compliments, attention, each of them wants to feel not only a wife and mother, but, first of all, a Queen - desirable, dizzying. Thus, she is looking not so much for a new relationship (which is typical for men), but for a better one.

Men's Health magazine surveyed 700 women and named the main reasons why they cheated:

1. Evgeniya, 28 years old: “I felt stupid and lonely”

It all started like in a fairy tale, and in this fairy tale I was a princess. But over time, my boyfriend was less and less interested in me, and now he no longer even asks how my day went. He stopped wanting me. One evening I was so desperate to feel wanted that I wore transparent underwear, even though I had never done that before. But he simply casually waved it off, saying that he needed to write a couple of letters for work, but that wasn’t the time.

A few months later, my mother was hospitalized with a very bad diagnosis. I sat on the sofa and cried, and instead of hugging me, he dryly said: “Damn, bad luck.” This, of course, is so - but, frankly speaking, greetings from Captain Obvious were the last thing I needed at that moment.

The next day I went to visit my mother - she lives in St. Petersburg, I live in Moscow. My ex found out about my arrival. He called, patiently listened to my complaints, sympathized and agreed - in a word, he did everything that my boyfriend should have done. We met and chatted for several hours, at some point he took my hand... The sex was so-so. It was like I was watching a rerun of yesterday's program on TV. But at least I felt again what it was like to care about someone. It was nice.

I don't regret what I did. Like most women, I get involved with a person when I feel an emotional connection with him. I needed support, I had little control over myself, my boyfriend didn't help me, so I got help elsewhere. Then, however, it was a little nervous: the ex wrote SMS, I hid the phone from the current one. We have never seen each other since then, but I also broke up with my current (or, rather, last ex) a few months later. Well, how long can you wave your hands, demanding that they pay attention to you?

Your enemy: Boredom. “Any exciting thing eventually becomes routine,” says Dylan Selterman, a psychology professor at the University of Maryland. “And the less novelty, the more dissatisfaction.”

Bring her back:Take the initiative to try new things and do it as often as possible. And even if nothing new interests you right now, pretend it is. The main thing is change. Any new experience together, whether it's going to a jazz concert or becoming interested in raw food, will strengthen your relationship.

2. Olya, 27 years old: “He worked all the time”

I needed to talk to him. “I’m free at 9 pm on Sunday,” Lesha told me. Here's the problem: he's a workaholic. Every night I went to bed alone. And when we did spend time together, we discussed business more than relationships - we worked in the same field, and it was not a conversation between lovers, but between two tired colleagues. Do you think I wanted sex after that? Just like you did after your morning meeting.

One evening, when Lesha was on a business trip, my friends dragged me out to a bar. There was a guy in the company named Nikita. He didn’t care about my work or his own - he was interested, roughly speaking, only in my tits. I was even scared of how much it turned me on. My friends had already left, and we were all sitting. It was so great to feel wanted! And we went to Nikita. When we went outside early in the morning, he tried to take my hand. I pushed him away - I was afraid that we would meet someone I knew. I was looking for a reason to break up with Nikita as quickly as possible. And suddenly I realized that I needed to break up with Lesha.

Several weeks passed before I started a conversation with him on this topic. This did not touch him - he was again busy with business. I left without understanding whether he was at least somehow excited by this or whether it just made him feel better. But now, at least, nothing prevents him from surrendering to his true love - work. But I need something else.

Your enemy: Inability to switch. If you are constantly in tension, waiting for a call from your boss or the latest information from the stock exchange, your partner will feel that she is not in charge here at all.

Bring her back: Set up areas where you won’t touch your laptop or smartphone—for example, your bed or kitchen. Let these be her zones. Here she will be able to tell you what is going on in her life - this alone will make her happier.

And now the revelations of men:

Alexander

For us men, everything is fine, we just get a kick out of life. So you don’t need to wrap yourself up, but get high!

Boris

A potential wife is a person without whom it is impossible to imagine your future life, the mother of your children, etc. A mistress is a person to whom you feel sympathy and sexual attraction, but you categorically exclude the prospect of living together. Dot.

Igor

In a mistress they look for something that is no longer with the wife - in my opinion, no one will dispute this. And exactly the same with the fair half. But who specifically lacks what in their spouse is individual. If you are wondering whether other men and women have the same condition, the answer is yes in many cases.

Vladimir

There is a good saying: a husband doesn’t walk away from a good wife... and if this happens, it means that once upon a time the most dear relationships have lost their “charisma” and lost their meaning... and why drag out this mess and suffer yourself and torment those around you? There are a lot of cases when a former lover turns out to be a good wife and a truly close person, from whom you don’t even want to walk. There are other stories when the mistress is actually not such a good woman, and the husband returns to his wife, having rethought a lot of things. There are stories when that same true love comes, even if it’s late, but it comes, someone realizes it and finds the strength in themselves to change their life 360 ​​degrees, and someone keeps wandering from his wife to his mistress and back, with everyone the ensuing consequences... and then there’s really nothing to remember - just the “fuss” back and forth....

And regarding betrayal in general: it depends on anyone - someone can live with a person, knowing or feeling the deceit, the “unnaturalness” of what was once the most dear relationship, and someone breaks it off and begins to live differently, even if it hurts and difficult, not wanting to exchange money…. So everyone has their own reasons and you shouldn’t put everyone under the same brush.

Nikolay

As far as I understand, the main reason for having a mistress is the NEED FOR DISCHARGE, RELEASE OF STEAM, etc. But you can get the same release through sports, hobbies, and travel. I can’t understand the physiological need to go left if you have the same thing at hand (in terms of physiology). If the wife abstracted herself, became a stranger and this is an irrevocable process - divorce and maiden name, and you can worry about the children from a distance (I never considered a child to be the reason why divorce is not possible)

And once again about the most common mistakes:

Gender characteristics of infidelity

British scientists, who care about everything in the world, have come to the conclusion that women cheat more often than men. Why is it common to think the other way around? There are several reasons for this:

1. Women are much more sensitive to family ties and their reputation as a “good wife and mother.”
2. Beautiful ladies are in no hurry to risk their wealth.
3. The weaker sex is subconsciously afraid of angering their partner.
4. Fear of physical violence.
5. Women are not used to boasting about their sexual victories in public.

All this makes them much more careful and sophisticated both in the betrayals themselves and in hiding the ugly truth. A lady, driven into a corner by ironclad evidence of adultery, will still stand to the last in an attempt to convince her partner of eternal devotion to him.

The most common reasons for female infidelity:

1. Banal boredom. Many women admit that successful relationships without a spark make them feel dead. And rare betrayals and fear of exposure fuel cooled sensuality and passion for life. After the “move to the left,” family life seems more attractive.

2. The coldness of the spouse after the birth of children. What kind of desire can we talk about when a man begins to perceive his partner exclusively as “the mother of his children”? So the beautiful lady has to raise her own self-esteem on the side.

3. Cheating on a spouse or strong suspicions of his infidelity. In such a situation, the fair sex simply takes revenge or takes revenge “just in case.”

4. Unsatisfied sexual fantasies. Both sexes often have a prejudice that it is better to practice various sexual pranks on the side, and not in the marital bed. Otherwise, the spouse will begin to wonder why his partner suddenly wanted to change the usual scenario of intimate relationships.

5. Sudden love. Yes, sometimes women lose their minds from this feeling, even after living for more than 10 years in marriage. In this case, betrayal rarely remains a secret, since all caution is lost. A latent desire settles in the subconscious for everything to be revealed and the desired freedom to be gained.

Why do men “go left”?

The main reason for men's infidelity is considered by the overwhelming majority of psychologists, sex therapists and other involved scientists to be banal... "the coincidence of desire and opportunity." Other psychological factors follow closely behind. Most men cheat not because they are in love or want to try something supernatural, not because their wife is ugly or there is stress at work, but because two factors come together: desire and opportunity.

The stronger sex is much more likely to be caught cheating for several reasons:

arrogance, because of which fleeting success makes you dizzy and makes you forget about basic caution;

shortsightedness leading to the detection of constant deception;

disregard for reputation;

the desire to boast about “victories over the fair sex.”

Why do people cry when they get caught cheating? Yes, even men do this trick. Because they are ashamed not so much of what they did, but of the fact that it became known. Added to this is the fear of losing their usual life, the need for public humiliation and the demand for an explanation of what happened. Fear of this shame makes both men and women more cautious. Due to natural instincts, the sense of self-preservation among representatives of the fairer sex is more developed.

At the same time, quite often the other side is to blame for male infidelity. Even the most beautiful, fit, sexy and skillful wife becomes boring after several years of relationship. This self-evident fact is replicated in all women's magazines, but few girls take it into account. There is a simple solution: regularly work on yourself so that you always remain an “unread book.” Few people follow this path.

Men are conquerors. They want outbursts of passion, violent resistance and complete subjugation for a short period of time... Representatives of the stronger sex are not ready for constant discussions on the topic of problems in the children's clinic, difficulties with hair removal and masks on the wife's face from leftover food.

Let's finish with eight rules on how to make cheating safe:

DO NOT PROMISE

First of all, never promise anything to a stranger. Chance will always turn its back on you, and together you will never go to the sea, go to a club, meet at your friends’ dacha, etc.

DON'T MEET HER PARENTS

There is no need to join someone else's family when you have your own. At a minimum, this is insensitive and unethical, and the parents see in everyone who comes the future husband of their “best” daughter, and explaining through a generation that, as an honest person, you are already married is labor-intensive. They will get used to you, you will become friends with them, and in the future your separation may become a serious stress for them. Take care of other people's health!

DO NOT TAKE PICTURES TOGETHER

There is hardly any need to explain in detail what shared albums are fraught with, since you have heard a lot about social networks and other delights of the 21st century. Moreover, the world is so small that sooner or later you will find out through experience that your wife knows or works with some of her friends... It will be unpleasant, believe me!

DON'T GIVE THE SAME GIFTS

Many men have little imagination, and we try not to bother with February 14, March 8 and other idle days. But believe me, if you give the same beads to both ladies, then this is a sure sign that they will soon meet at some party... And even though they have never known each other, they will recognize their jewelry and understand everything that is happening right away! Lightning fast! Without words!

DO NOT USE WORK EMAIL ADDRESSES

Try to immediately limit communication on your mobile phone and never use work or personal email addresses. Don’t be lazy and buy a second SIM card, sign up for it with a new address and Facebook account and communicate only there! Otherwise, one day you will forget to lock your phone, and you will be in for a fucking scandal. As a note, I advise you not to write “Housing and Communal Services”, “Passport Office”, etc. in your address book. It is much easier to explain that your deputy boss’s name is Katya at work. If only she didn't call at night.

DON'T CALL BY NAME

Come up with something affectionate right away and introduce into everyday life: a kitten, a giraffe, a deer... Well, I don’t know (about men without imagination - above). And try to call her by name as little as possible so as not to get used to it. Otherwise, of course, sooner or later you will simply make a mistake at home. There is no need to tell further. Scandal. Suitcase. Best case scenario.

DON'T DRIVE HOME

The neighbors, the concierge, your friend the saleswoman will recognize you and remember her. Then she will leave something (either out of malice or by accident) at your house. Then her hair will settle on the towel. Then you will divorce your wife and be left alone.

DON'T LET ANYTHING CORRECT

Your wife should meet you in the evening the same way she sent you to work in the morning. Don’t allow anyone to fix anything on you, straighten your hair, re-tie your tie... If a button comes off, sew it on at home, as someone else’s seam will be recognized instantly!

BUT IN GENERAL - YOU ARE A SCAWN AND A SCAM, AND I AM ASHAMED THAT I KNOW YOU!

In the end, I will say that someone loves young girls, about 20 years old, but for a number of reasons they are not suitable to be mistresses. And for the first time, find someone a little older, smarter, with experience and, preferably, someone who is married...

Cheating is a common occurrence in relationships. Research shows that a quarter of all marriages experience adultery at some point. And if we take into account that not all respondents answered this question honestly, then it is likely that this percentage is significantly higher.

The problem with understanding the causes of infidelity is that when faced with it, people are not able to think logically. They immediately become enraged and start throwing their partner's things out of the windows. Or they withdraw so much into themselves and become isolated in their grief that they also cannot adequately assess the situation.

The betrayed partner usually does not see that the relationship has been heading towards infidelity for a long time and warning signs appeared months or even years before it.

I distinguish between betrayal and infidelity. Cheating concerns the body, infidelity concerns the soul.
Christina Kofta

Formula for treason

But people also have a need for spiritual intimacy with another person, a need to love and feel loved, a need to share their lives with someone.

Unfortunately, these two desires are slightly contradictory and in order to build strong long-term relationships and achieve intimacy, sometimes you have to sacrifice the satisfaction of your desires.

Making the decision to be monogamous and faithful to your partner is such a sacrifice.

If we imagine these two contradictory aspirations on the scales, we get the formula for betrayal:
Satisfying your desires > Proximity =

It can be decrypted like this:

When the desire to satisfy one's desires begins to outweigh the benefits of intimacy in a relationship, a person begins to cheat.

• First reason- an unfaithful partner is a selfish and superficial person for whom immediate pleasure is always in the foreground.
• The second reason– the relationship is in crisis and does not provide a sufficient level of intimacy.

Immaturity

If they do not know how to do this, then most likely one can observe other signs of destructive behavior in them: abuse of alcohol, drugs, computer games, etc.

If one partner has complete power in a relationship and has never faced negative consequences for their actions, they will also be inclined to cheat.

Troubled relationships

But the problem is that most people do not notice the crisis in their relationships. If they grew up in unhealthy relationships and have a long history of previous unhealthy relationships, then this condition will seem normal to them.

Therefore, they are usually shocked when they discover their partner’s betrayal, and cannot understand why this happened. After all, everything was so good, what happened?

This misunderstanding is where the main problem lies. Many people create the illusion that “everything is fine” and do not notice either illness or signs of decay in their relationships. Perhaps a person feels that he is doing everything possible for his partner, taking care of him, giving him everything he wants and supporting him in any situation. But this is an unhealthy state of relationship.

When one partner takes charge of all of the other's problems and shows the other that he will love and care for him, he creates a situation where committing infidelity will seem unpunished. After all, if there are no consequences, then why not change?

Paradoxically, healthy relationships require partners to stand up for themselves and say “no” to each other on certain occasions. Only in this case can two equal, self-respecting individuals discuss their relationship and agree on certain limits of behavior.

Another situation in an unhealthy relationship is when a person is overly jealous and possessive. If he regularly checks his partner’s phone, demands that he report his location, constantly tries to control and creates conflicts on any occasion, he is thereby pushing his partner to cheat.

After all, why not change if you are already constantly treated as an unfaithful spouse and it won’t get any worse?

How to prevent your partner from cheating?

Based on the reasons for infidelity in a relationship described above, let’s draw conclusions on how to protect yourself from betrayal.

1. Do not build relationships with people who do not know how to sacrifice the satisfaction of their desires and are inclined to indulge their weaknesses

These are questions you should ask yourself and try to answer honestly. A relationship with an immature and self-obsessed person can be wonderful, but only as long as you satisfy him. It will not be possible to build a long-term healthy relationship with such a partner, and, most likely, you will become a victim of betrayal.

Only one betrayal is worthy of respect - betrayal of your principles for the sake of a loved one.

2. Set healthy boundaries

Realize that the purpose of a relationship is not for your partner to solve all your life problems and not for you to solve it, but for two independent individuals to support each other while they each cope with their own problems.

3. Always be ready to leave

Healthy relationships are not built on commitment. This is a choice that partners make every day. The choice to sacrifice immediate short-term benefits for the sake of your long-term intimacy. The choice to stay together, support each other, and share your life with another person.

Cheating remains the number one cause of divorce. Moreover, divorces are sick and difficult, which entail a lot of grievances. And it's not about sex at all.

If you take a cross-section of family life, many people don’t care how many partners a husband or wife had before marriage. If there were 11 of them, not 10, no one would raise a scandal because of this (we are not talking about chronic jealous people, a special discussion about them).

If a couple gets divorced (sorry hello to 50% of marriages), then they also don’t care how many partners the other will have after the divorce. But if the 11th partner appears during marriage, then this completely changes the matter.

And the point here is not sex, but a betrayal of trust. It hurts us when we are deceived and betrayed. However, relationships are a two-way street and the desire to change, as well as the desire not to change, always involves both partners.

Why do couples cheat on each other?

1) People choose the wrong partners

Neurotic attitudes, self-doubt and lack of awareness often force people to choose not those with whom they are happy, but those with whom they do not experience loneliness. This is a kind of compromise so as not to be alone. However, they then experience “double nights,” which is sometimes worse than loneliness because it is burdened with a sense of guilt.

At some stage, one of the lucky ones, or rather the unlucky ones, breaks down and finds a relationship on the side. Double marriage leads to the fact that parallel relationships can last for years, because... behind them is the fear of breaking up with the main partner who is not suitable and being left alone.

2) They get bored

Unfortunately, even very loving people become boring with each other and sometimes you want to run away from each other somewhere. He cuts his nails on the sofa and leaves them on the table; she clogs the drain with her hair. He knows what she will say before she opens her mouth, she knows that he will whine again that she spent a lot. Everyday life gets boring, people become boring with each other, along with their habits - and you want something new.

Here it is necessary to divide the degree of unbearability. If this is no longer possible, then cheating will alienate the partners from each other forever. If this is a desire to unwind, then an affair on the side will not necessarily divide the spouses, sometimes it can even strengthen the connection.

3) Desire to get attention

The romantic phase of a relationship is determined by a decline in oxytocin, and with it, falling in love. It occurs approximately 2 years after the start of the relationship. At this stage, the partners' rose-colored glasses fall off, de-idealization of each other occurs, and musi-pusi disappears. At this same stage, partners begin to think: Does he love me? Am I good? What am I worth?

This often pushes partners to flirt on the side in order to test their “worth” in the love market. Sometimes flirting flows into something more, ranging from emotional intimacy to physical intimacy.

Here it is important to communicate with your partner and receive feedback from him, along with compliments, romance and hugs. But to get it, after the romantic phase you will have to ask for it. Many people have a problem with this, because you don’t have to ask outside, they give it themselves. This is why I say relationships are work. Unfortunately, you will have to ask.

4) Desire for physical intimacy

You may not believe in astrology, but in the Zodiac the point responsible for the family is in the fall in the sign responsible for sex (the same famous Moon in Scorpio). It turns out that sex and family are conflicting things. Family is home, comfort, children, pillows, tea in front of the TV, paintings on the wall, not sex and passion. That's why they go to lovers and mistresses for sex.

The convenience of family life makes us forget about the physical component of relationships. The chemistry that was created when you first met no longer makes a difference. At the same time, the physical need for sex, which automatically contains the emotional need for sex, does not disappear anywhere. She is depressed and looking for a way out.

What to do? Hugging, kissing, having sex. Throw out the pillows, pour out the tea.

5) Constant conflicts

Conflict is always stressful. Couples who constantly conflict expose themselves to prolonged stress that the body cannot cope with. There is a release of cortisol, which causes the body to get sick and age. Therefore, one of the partners begins to look for a relationship on the side. Peaceful relations, of course. In the family, he or she will quarrel, but with a lover or mistress they will rest their soul and body.

Conflicts are the fastest and most effective path not only to infidelity, but also to inevitable divorce. It is almost impossible to resolve conflicts alone, because conflicts are a communication pattern. It can be changed if you change the thoughts and feelings that underlie it. This requires therapy.

Cheating has no clear definition. You yourself define what treason is. There are couples who get divorced because one of them received a text message with a heart. There are couples who have foursome sex on the same bed and watch each other. There is no recipe. There is only what you personally consider acceptable for both of you.

And so the advice: talk, talk, talk to each other. Cheating begins where partners do not listen to each other.

Treason often takes us by surprise. We live and in the turmoil of days behind a mountain of affairs and thoughts, we prefer not to think about what should not happen. We believe so desperately that we won't become one of these sad statistics that we sometimes miss the time when something else can be prevented. We're not waiting for her. She herself bursts into our lives and sweeps away in her path everything that was so dear to us: love, trust, mutual understanding. And we ourselves find ourselves standing on the edge of an abyss, unable to understand how this happened? Why do people cheat?

The betrayal of a wife or the betrayal of a husband especially hurts us. If you find out about cheating - what to do?..

Each of us guesses how to recognize betrayal. But not everyone understands what the psychology of betrayal depends on.

Once betrayal happens once, it leaves an imprint for the rest of your life. Disappointment and resentment take their toll and even after years do not allow you to breathe easy, trust and open up to new relationships, or simply forgive your loved one. Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most terrible events in anyone's life... Is it possible to forgive betrayal?

Time will dull this pain a little, but the fear of going through this again remains with us, sometimes turning into the omnipresent shadow of doubts and suspicions that, like a worm, gnaw at our relationships from the inside. How to define betrayal?

How to break the vicious circle? Where can I find the reasons for cheating? Why did this happen, and who is to blame?

Where can I find the strength to survive my husband’s betrayal? And how to live further after your husband’s betrayal? And most importantly - how to maintain peace of mind, stop suffering, tormenting yourself and your spouse, get rid of the fear of relapse, live fully and enjoy life? What are the signs of a cheating husband?

We will try to answer these questions.

Who are you really?

First of all, you need to understand why does betrayal hurt you so much? After all, there are a lot of people who turn a blind eye to their partner’s infidelity; they choose not to know it. The so-called “swinging”, when spouses voluntarily enter into sexual contact with other couples, is also becoming popular. There are also husbands who walk left and right, proud that their wife is aware of what is happening and is not against it. How to figure it all out?

Sexuality of the urethral vector

People with the Urethral vector, who are polygamous by nature, have a completely different sexuality. The concepts of marriage and fidelity simply do not exist for them; they are outside this framework. That is, they, of course, can get married, but you shouldn’t expect swan fidelity from them.

Polygamy is a complex concept that does not imply an infinite number of partners. Urethral polygamy is easy to confuse with skin inconstancy, but the reasons and motives leading to infidelity are completely different for such people.

In the Urethral vector, libido is the highest. If we draw a rough analogy with the animal world, then the owner of the Urethral vector is a “stud bull”, the most temperamental and always ready for action. These qualities in the Urethral Vector are not accidental and are determined by its specific role and natural purpose. The urethral is the leader of the pack, responsible for procreation, which is why he has natural polygamy. However, it is a big mistake to believe that polygamy will cause a constant change of partners. A urethral person has the highest libido. If a suitable partner appears, it can bind him to the object of passion, and this passion will be maintained for three years at the level of attraction. During these three years, the couple has a chance to build additional connections at the level of emotional, intellectual, spiritual intimacy (depending on the upper vectors). If this does not happen, urethral polygamy comes into force again.

The attitude of a urethral person to betrayal is a special topic. Such people are extremely attractive to members of the opposite sex; their pheromones are so strong that they can not only attract, but also cause a certain addiction; they follow such people, strive for them, and do not leave them. The urethral is hot, passionate and impetuous, the only possible reaction that can be expected from them in case of betrayal is an instant bright flash of anger... which passes as quickly as it appears, the emotional memory will last no more than two or three days.

For a urethral woman, cheating on a guy is a violation of rank, betrayal and can cause pain and a feeling of humiliation. The situation of betrayal arises only in a couple with a skinny man, who by nature gradually begins to feel her dominance as a counterbalance to his own importance, as his own inferiority. It is very difficult for a urethral woman to break off such a relationship. But if she decides to do this, then it happens in an instant and is irrevocable. And all that remains is to wait out the first days of the acute feeling of loss in order to come to your senses and begin to live on.

Muscle vector - everything should be “human”

The muscle vector is the fundamental basis of humanity. These are the people closest to nature, those whose noble simplicity sometimes even touches the sophisticated urban public. Most often these are villagers, powerful and resilient, people of hard physical labor. Their distinctive feature is the perception of their own “I”. They feel like they are part of a team, and not a separate unit; the concept of “I” does not exist for them, they feel like “WE”. They have visual and effective thinking, they strictly follow the laws and rules that are accepted in the society in which they live. They act like everyone else, as expected, and have no opinion of their own. They live in marriage all their lives, go about their own business, in which they prefer monotony and predictability. Monotony in everything is the greatest comfort for a person with the Muscle Vector.

Obviously, the question of betrayal is not even a question for them. Cheating on a bride, future or current wife - they don’t need it. Why leave such a comfortable state, especially if it is not accepted in society. Muscular men are generally suspicious of sex; for them everything should be “human.” If with my wife, then yes, but otherwise, no. This suspicion has its root causes, and for now we will not delve into this topic.

The reaction of a muscular man to betrayal will always depend on who will be next to him at that moment, what advice he will receive, because he will always come to a close friend for him.

The anal vector has the hardest time coping with betrayal

Finally, we have reached those who endure betrayal the hardest, for whom betrayal is pain and resentment for the rest of their lives. To those who cannot accept and let go.

We are talking about those people for whom the words “loyalty” and “devotion” are not just words, but a system of values. For such people, family, home, children, marriage are not only desirable attributes for a fulfilling life, but something without which existence has no meaning.

For them, cheating on a woman is a disaster. What if this is also cheating with a friend?!

The whole world collapses at once. It is impossible to describe what a representative of the Anal vector feels in the event of betrayal - it is unbearable suffering, it is dull heart and mental pain, it is the ground that has gone from under one’s feet. It's a lump in the throat that doesn't allow you to breathe, and your mind refuses to believe. “No, this is not happening to me, this cannot be!” The heart will now break into pieces and freeze with the silent question “For what?!”

Betrayal of a loved one - adultery - is like a knife in the back, like a blow to the face. But the worst thing is lies, pretense and hypocrisy. How can you bear this, how can you live with it further? It seems that even killing for this is not enough, let alone forgiving... But how to forgive? How to forget? Can such wounds heal? How to continue to live with this?!

Pain, despair and resentment, fear and misunderstanding rage in a torn soul. And this unthinkable cocktail makes you want to howl and climb the wall, but first smear this scoundrel (or scoundrel) all over it. But you shouldn't get dirty, right?

Why does this happen, why is it that people with the Anal vector have such a hard time enduring betrayal?

They are monogamous by nature. To understand why, let's again take a short excursion into history, where muscle warriors-preyers and skin hunters-alimentators, under the leadership of the urethral leader, have already set off to hunt for the mammoth. The men left, and the safety of the women and children who remained in the cave was under threat - enemies and wild animals were just waiting in the wings! But nature is wise and, in order to prevent this, created special men, the same ones with the Anal vector, who remained in the cave and took care of women and children. They are born cave dwellers, and even today there can be nothing better than their home for them.

“So what does monogamy have to do with it?” you ask. It's simple. Such men were left alone with many women and, at any time, could take advantage of this. Then the gene pool of men who went to war and hunting would disappear into oblivion. Thus, the natural mechanism made sure that men with the Anal vector were monogamous, faithful to only one woman. That's who won't change, won't betray! This is the one who will remain faithful throughout his life, even in our time full of temptations.

When I myself am faithful, I demand the same from others! I don’t understand that they may not have this innate value, innate monogamous sexuality, that they are not able to understand the pain that my beloved’s betrayal causes me.

If we have clarified the causes and consequences of betrayal, the question remains, what to do next, how to deal with the stumbled partner? If you forgive, then how to behave later, what to take into account and what lessons to learn? Perhaps you will realize that you are not able to forgive the betrayal, and separation will be the only possible solution. Then new questions arise about how to choose a partner who is right for you, because we don’t want to constantly step on the same rake.

“System-vector psychology” has data on which vectors are most suitable for each other, cause attraction, and also reveals such an important side of relationships as sexual preferences, desires and fantasies in all vectors and mixtures.

If you apply this knowledge in practice, the likelihood of betrayal will tend to zero. And, having stopped thinking about how to catch someone cheating, we will find out its reason. Determining innate psychotypes from short descriptions is not entirely correct; this often leads to erroneous conclusions. In Yuri Burlan's training, you can quickly learn to distinguish any person at just one glance, while absolutely understanding who he is and what he is capable of. Know more about him and his sexuality than he knows about himself.

Now you have a choice. The decision to know this or not to know, as always, is yours.

Proofreader: Galina Rzhannikova