How to be independent of other people's opinions. How not to depend on others: three types of independence

The fear that your neighbors will judge you, that your loved ones or colleagues will not understand you is familiar to everyone to one degree or another. Experts offer many ways to counter social disapproval and reduce the influence of other people's views on our lives. CHT selected eight of them.

Why do people depend on other people's opinions?

Gestalt therapist Anastasia Ivanova recalls an anecdote about this. Mom calls the boy from the street: “Petya, come home urgently!” He asks: “Am I cold?” “No, you’re hungry,” mom replies. Children are often told what they should or should not feel. Classic example: "Boys don't cry." This attitude effectively prohibits a child of a certain gender from expressing emotions in a certain way.

Another example is the phrase “You can’t be angry with your mother.” Does a person have a choice - to be angry or not to be angry? If parents respond to their children’s aggression with their own, the child gets scared: after all, they are stronger than him.

“It can be a really traumatic experience. A person stops allowing himself to feel and grows up with suppressed aggression and an unhealthy dependence on other people’s reactions,” explains the Gestalt therapist.

In addition to errors in upbringing, the cause may be stress experienced during the first experience of socialization - in kindergarten or school. But could it be that nothing bad happened to us, but we are still dependent on the opinions of others?

There are also individual differences: genetically we may be more or less stable, more or less able to resist external traumatic factors.

One form of self-analysis is journaling. Each day, fill one page with the thoughts that seem most important to you. At the end of the week, re-read the entries and underline those that were repeated several times. Self-analysis will help you understand the motives behind your behavior. The next time you want someone's approval, it may not seem so important to you.

2. Setting priorities. Frederick Newman believes that you can tame your dependence on others by creating a “hierarchy of opinions.” " Highest value has for us the opinion of the family: husband or wife, children, parents. The opinion of superiors and close friends matters a lot, but still less. The opinions of colleagues and neighbors are already somewhere at a lower level. The opinions of just acquaintances are at the very end of this hierarchy. The considerations of random people you meet are none of your business,” he writes.

Maybe your “hierarchy of opinions” will look different. But it nevertheless exists, you just need to realize it. Not everyone will value the views of their superiors and close friends; for some, the position of respected colleagues will be closer to their parents’, and a random person you meet may turn out to be a smart person.

Understanding internal connections will allow you to ease the pressure where it is too great and focus on what is important. “You have to accept the fact that some people will approve of you and others will not. Sometimes there are people who want to think that you are full of shortcomings. They will criticize you no matter what you do, says Newman. - But there will also be those who will admire even those qualities of yours that seem insignificant to you. Try to find such people in your environment.”

3. Practice self-love. Since dependence on social approval is closely related to self-rejection, clinical psychologist Christina Hibbert advises starting with this problem.

We need to learn to treat ourselves as well as we treat our best friends. If this is difficult, you need to develop such an attitude, says the psychologist.

“It means constantly doing nice things for yourself, taking care of yourself, allowing others to love you, practicing mindfulness. Restoring self-esteem has a radical impact on the ability to be independent,” says Hibbert.

4. Body practices. The body always sends us a signal about how we really feel. When you're scared, your heart begins to beat faster, anxiety can manifest itself in tense shoulders, and a drooping head indicates melancholy.

Therefore, all bodily practices that teach you to listen to your physical state - yoga for example - can be an excellent help. The better you hear your body, the greater your chances of sorting out your feelings and filling that very emptiness inside where other people's voices have settled.

5. A break from social networks. We underestimate how much influence social media on our thinking. Dependence on them is directly related to dependence on other people’s opinions. With the help of likes and illusory friendship, we try to make up for the love that we once lacked.

The information we spend hours absorbing on Facebook or VKontakte puts social pressure on us. We constantly compare ourselves with other users - and get upset.

Someone got a hundred likes, and if I have less, then there’s something wrong with me.

We fall into real addiction without noticing it ourselves. Sometimes just taking a break is enough. Try switching to something else regularly: for example, reading books.

6. Example of millennials. Nancy Hill, a business consultant and founder of 4A's, offers witty advice. She believes that millennials are less dependent on the opinions of others, and suggests following their example. “Representatives of this generation were brought up in the spirit of the philosophy “it’s not about winning, it’s about participating,” - she says, “They have more confidence in what they offer to the world.”

You may have been told to learn from your elders your whole life, but Hill believes you should look up to the youngest generation.

7. Healing solitude. Just like from online communication, we sometimes need a break from those around us. Because their imaginary and real voices create a continuous background behind which we have difficulty distinguishing ourselves.

“Sometimes we are simply torn by emotions, and we lose control over our own lives. Try spending some time alone with yourself and see if it helps you cope with your anxiety. it's the same good way check your relationships with loved ones. Understanding partners will give you the space you need and will be happy when you return,” says Jessica King.

8. Treatment by a specialist. If from time to time you notice the excessive influence of others on your condition, but then convince yourself that everything is not so bad, most likely you are engaged in self-deception. Dependence on other people's opinions ruins your life. The most direct and quick way to get rid of it, work with a therapist.

According to Anastasia Ivanova, in this case group therapy will be useful. “This method creates a kind of microcosm in which people learn to interact again,” she said. “After all, you will be confronted with the opinions of others directly during therapy and learn to understand why you have this particular reaction and what to do about it.”

Sometimes it's not so easy to not worry about what others think. However, there are many ways to become a more confident person, form your own opinions and develop your own style. Try not to think about whether others are looking at you or whether they are judging you. Don't take their opinions too seriously. Listen only to reasoned opinions based on facts. Make a decision based on your values, do not neglect your beliefs and principles. When it comes to style, remember that everyone's tastes are different, so no one has the right to judge you.

Steps

Become a more confident person

1. Accept yourself for who you are. Be yourself, try to become better, but accept what you cannot change about yourself. Don't try to become someone else just to please others.

   • Make a list of the things you like about yourself and also a list of the things you would like to change. Think about what specific steps you will have to take to become better. For example: “Sometimes I am too aggressive towards other people. Every time someone makes a comment or says something to me, I need to first wait and think about what I want to say, and only then speak.”
   • Accept what you cannot change. For example, perhaps you would like to be a little taller. But understand that you will not be able to change this. So instead of constantly thinking about how nice it would be if you were a little taller, try to think about the benefits of being taller, like not having to hit your head on a doorway.

2. Don't be afraid of embarrassment, imagine a successful outcome of events. Try not to set yourself up for an unsuccessful or awkward outcome, and don't worry about what other people will think of you if you do something wrong. Set yourself a goal, break it down into small subgoals and try to visualize your success at every step!

   • For example, if you want to appear more confident during a conversation, break this goal into several subgoals: maintain eye contact, listen to the interlocutor, nod when the interlocutor pauses, ask questions, answer, tell stories from your life.
   • If the result is not exactly what you planned, don’t be embarrassed, just try to understand what your mistake was. Remember that you are just learning, no one succeeds right away, especially on the first try.

3. Don't try to predict every step and every action. Realize that people around you don't notice every little thing you do. Before you become embarrassed and lose confidence, remind yourself that people are more interested in the time they spend with you, they have no time to evaluate and criticize your every thought and action.

   • Try to control yourself, notice in time that you are starting to get hung up on one thought. Tell yourself: “Stop analyzing! Calm down and relax."
   • The ability to calm down quickly and the ability to learn from your mistakes are very useful things, especially if you are committed to success rather than negative thoughts.

4. Don't let someone's negative opinion define who you are. Maintain balance and do not take negative judgments as absolute truth. If you think there is some truth to this judgment, use it as an opportunity to improve something about yourself, but do not let negative judgments affect your self-esteem.

   • For example, suppose someone says that you have a nasty character. If you barely know this person and don't know him at all, just ignore it. However, if a close friend or a good friend who spends a lot of time with you told you this, think about why he had this opinion. Work on learning to stay calm when you get angry (you can do this by breathing slowly and deeply).

5. Consider whether the person who expressed a negative opinion about you has good intentions. What a person's intentions are determines whether you accept that opinion or simply forget about it. Ask yourself: “Does this person have a vested interest in this matter? Did he say this to let me know what I need to work on to improve, or is this just a petty attempt to insult me?”

   • For example, your good friend may say: “It seems that with you Lately It’s impossible to communicate, you’re not yourself.” This judgment can be accepted and considered. On the other hand, if they tell you: “You are always so inattentive, you are so stupid!”, then it is better to simply ignore such a judgment.

   Form your point of view

   1. Find information from various sources. When forming an opinion about certain news topics, try to seek information from several sources. Read articles published by different news outlets. Also try to read literature that challenges your beliefs. Try to gather all the information together and analyze it, and not just instinctively agree or disagree with the other person's position.

      • For example, parents may have their own opinion about a certain article. Instead of just agreeing with them because they are your parents, you can search for information about this article on the Internet and read several sources that discuss this topic. After reading several points of view on the issue, you will be able to form your own opinion based on what you have learned.

   2. Understand how informed a person is in this area. Before you worry about who will think what about you, pay attention to their experience and the way they express their opinions. If your professor wrote a dissertation about a particular historical event, his opinion will be more significant to you than the opinion of someone who is less informed in this area.

      • In addition, in addition, pay attention to the style of conversation. Does your interlocutor, who knows a lot about the topic of conversation, speak to you calmly and clearly? Or is he just throwing insults and criticizing your opinions just to disagree with you?

   3. You should not agree with your interlocutor just to please the other person. Don't be afraid to stand up for your opinion, even if it violates the norm. Especially if you have put in the time and effort to form your point of view. Maintain a balance between sound reasoning and argumentation rather than immediately agreeing with everything others say. Respect other people's points of view and accept the fact that not everyone has the same opinion as yours.

      Find yourself and your style

      1. Work on finding harmony with yourself. Observe yourself and compare your behavior alone and in the company of people. Ask yourself, “How do I present myself to strangers, to people I feel comfortable with, to myself?”

         • Think about what really makes you who you are. Make a list of characteristics that are important to you (eg, honesty, loyalty, humor).
         • Spend some time quietly reflecting on your character traits, talents, and passions. Try to find things that make you unique as a person.

Dependence on other people and their opinions is one of the major sources of suffering for a person, as well as a direct destroyer of his success. Ask yourself how much the questions are holding you back from making some important decisive steps in your life - “What will people say?”, “What will your parents, family and friends say?”, “What will your friends say?” How often have you refused something significant, for example, to take a step and change your life, because someone whispers in your ear “You won’t succeed...” or “This is not yours” or “Get this stupidity out of your head, what do you want?” can’t sit..."

Everyone who achieved the highest success - politicians, businessmen, scientists, show business stars, they all overcame the colossal resistance of society and their environment. Almost everyone has gone through situations when it was necessary to defend their opinion, vision of the future, to protect their goals from the bombardment of others who tried in every possible way to dissuade and convince them that it was not worth even starting. And they were able to do it, they became independent and thanks to this they achieved their success! Learn from them, from the best and strongest!

In addition, we can definitely say that dependence on the opinions of others makes a person unhappy. The basis of addiction is, in this situation, the fear that other people will not understand you, will judge you, will somehow speak unflatteringly about you, the fear of ruining relationships with people, etc. A dependent person is constantly in this fear and it devours his energy, joy, and makes him suffer.

In addition, people truly respect those who have their own individual point of view and can defend it; they respect those who are independent and strong. The strong are respected, the weak are despised. If a person constantly adapts to the opinions of others, he will never achieve anything in life, he has no core, he will always be a weakling and a loser. His plans, even the most ingenious plans, will always be broken by the opinions and disagreement of other people, by their limitations and stereotypes, and he will do nothing about it. Unless he realizes his mistake and sets a goal to become an Independent person. About what independence is and what it can be like -.

Why do people depend on the opinions of others, what are the reasons?

Reason 1. Fear. Fear of condemnation, fear of being misunderstood, fear of ruining relationships, fear of losing support, etc. Cowardly people will always be dependent, weak and unhappy. If you consider yourself smart, get rid of fear, because everything you are afraid of will always be unattainable for you! How to get rid of fear - .

Reason 2. Wrong authorities. If you want to learn how to fly an airplane, who do you go to? To the submariner? No! To a chess player? No! And why? That's right, because they don't understand anything about aerobatics. You will go to flight school with the best instructor. And so in everything, in theory, if you want to achieve a goal, you need to go to someone who is a specialist in achieving this goal. Right? “Yes,” you answer. But in life everything turns out differently. Most often, when some bright idea comes to our mind, we go not to a specialist who knows how to bring this idea to life, but to close people, often incompetent friends and relatives who do not understand anything about it and, of course, , they will criticize you for just the impulse to do something that others have not done. Why do we do this? The answer is simple - because these are the people closest to us and we trust them most of all. But are they experts in our chosen field? What do they understand about the area of ​​interest to us? If they don’t understand anything, then they won’t advise us anything sensible or adequate. And therefore, with all due respect to our loved ones, we shouldn’t listen to them!

In addition, many of our loved ones, deep down, are not at all interested in our success and sincerely with all their hearts do not want to. After all, if we succeed in doing what they failed to do, then they will have to start thinking better about us and worse about themselves, and no one wants that :). - a terrible and vice, beware of it. And decide on the authorities - who and in what can be an authority for you, whom you listen to, and who you cannot listen to.

Reason 3. Lack of self-confidence. When a person has low self-esteem, when he is not confident in himself, he always finds it difficult to make responsible decisions, he constantly doubts. And if a person does not have confidence within, he begins to look for it from other people, but again goes to his loved ones. And it’s good if a person comes across an adequate and interested relative who will support his endeavors. In most cases, these impulses will be extinguished in the bud due to envy, misunderstanding, disinterest of others, etc. Therefore, strengthen yourself and do not strive to find support in your loved ones.

There are other reasons - this is why a person becomes dependent, total weakness and spinelessness, when a person in life is like a mat on which all their feet are wiped. In this case, you need to form your inner core, become. Other reasons.

But even if you recognize yourself in the examples described above, don’t be upset! A problem understood is a problem half solved.

How not to depend on the opinions of other people. Algorithm

1. You must honestly admit to yourself what you are afraid of., why are you afraid to have your own opinion? Why are you afraid of not being approved by others? Why do you need this approval so much? And in the end, decide what you need more, the approval of others or your cherished goal, your dream, your new life.

Are you used to constantly worrying about what people might think of you? Sometimes this anxiety develops into fear and painful dependence on someone else's assessment? You just can’t get someone else’s unkind comment about you out of your head? I have good news for you. There is a simple technique that will allow you to quickly don't care about other people's opinions about you.

No, this does not mean turning into a brute who does not take into account the opinions of others and does what he wants. This means eliminating unnecessary and unnecessary worries about the unkind assessment of others, which, believe me, any person has to face in life.

In this article, I will not offer 35 miraculous ways to stop worrying about other people’s opinions, which you will forget within 10 minutes of reading. I won’t tell you that you don’t always control what others think about you. I won't write entire paragraphs about how other people's impressions of you can be biased, subject to instant bias. I'm not going to convince you that most people are obsessed with themselves, and they often don't care about you. Some of these tips are too obvious, despite the fact that they are true, while others have been discussed repeatedly in my articles, for example,.

“The 100 psychological tips you read in books turn out to be ineffective in cases of social stress.”

Many people already know that they need to strive to be themselves, ignoring what others think. They are well aware that other people can think whatever they want, projecting into external world your personal complexes and fears, assessing everyone through their cloudy prism. However, all this knowledge is shattered in the first acts social interaction: a business meeting, a friendly party - whatever. “What if I’m an uninteresting conversationalist?”, “What if she decided that I was stupid?”, “Probably everyone thought that I was a boring bore”. 100 tips from psychologists that you read in books turn out to be ineffective in cases of social stress.

Therefore, in this article, without further ado, I will give everything one and only simple technique , which you can try right away to stop worrying about another person's opinion. You can use it any time you encounter social anxiety. This technique will help someone overcome it. And thanks to her, someone will learn a lot of new things about themselves, resolve their old fears and contradictions, and learn to accept themselves as they are. This is pure practice, not theory. And it will take you a little more time than it takes to accumulate saliva in your mouth and spit it out.

Description of the technique

So that's it. Let's imagine a standard scenario of anxiety arising due to someone else's opinion. In a conversation with that pretty girl, you hesitated and worried, not interesting her with fascinating conversations and intelligent reasoning. And now you’re worried that she might think you’re a bore and only know about trivial things.

What do most people do in such a situation? Act intuitively, which in fact does not lead to any result. They meticulously go over all the events and dialogues in their heads, trying to remember those moments when they found themselves in a favorable light in front of others: “Perhaps not everything is so bad, and I managed to seem smart and educated?” But this tactic fails from the start. All these endless arguments with oneself, attempts to calm oneself only increase anxiety. And to get rid of it, you have to do the exact opposite of that.

So, set aside at least five minutes of free time. Try it now. Get your thoughts in order. You can take several full and slow breaths in and out. Or a couple of minutes.

And then do what you least want to do: imagine in your mind that the person whose opinion you are worried about has already thought the worst about you. Moreover, imagine it as if it really happened.

“She has already decided that I am a complete dumbass,” “They all realized that I am absolutely uninteresting and a boring conversationalist.” Here it is important not to feel sorry for yourself, take it to the very extreme: "These people now think I'm just a complete idiot."

Here you probably read it and were horrified. Many of you have decided that this is the worst advice you can give to a person in this situation. And so self-esteem “limps”, and we achieve it even further, trampling it deep into the mud. But no, friends, don’t rush to close the article, now I’ll explain why and how it works.
Please pay attention a little and follow the train of thoughts. The information will be a little revealing, and I don't want to lose you.

The swan song of our self-esteem

Where does this plaintive song of offended self-conceit come from? The superficial observer will say: “This anxiety occurs when our expectations of how we should appear to other people (what Freud calls the superego, the ideal self) do not correspond to reality.”

My answer to such a superficial observer is: “Well, I see that you are very smart, but you did not take into account one simple thing: this anxiety appears when our expectations of what we should be do not correspond to our ideas about the opinions of other people. And this opinion is again based on their personal subjective ideas about us.”

Everyone already understands well that other people’s thoughts about us do not always correspond to reality. But our idea of ​​their opinion also does not correspond to what they actually think about. And their idea of ​​us, in turn, also does not correspond to reality!

Probably already confused. But now I’ll explain.

It turns out that worrying about the opinions of others is a discrepancy between one illusion (the Super-I, the illusion of the “idealized self” and the image in society that we are trying to create) with another illusion, which is based on yet another illusion! But in short, friends, this is what the hell! Illusion on illusion and illusion drives!

We have fantasized about how we should look in the eyes of other people and are upset when it seems to us that others refuse to believe in our personal fantasies!

Moreover, this accumulation of illusions gives rise to very real anxiety, because of which people choose professions they don’t like, communicate with people they don’t like, and live a life they don’t like! The scale of this disaster is colossal. And all because of some kind of illusion, and an illusion in a cube!

The exercise I taught you is not intended to drown you in a pool of self-criticism. His task is to destroy this House of cards worries that you have created in your mind. It's like cold water, which pours onto your head and makes you wake up. I called this technique “lightning” because it, like an instantaneous bright flash, disperses the darkness of the illusion, like a lightning bolt strikes the very heart of your anxiety.

All these wonderful tips about being yourself, that other people's opinions of you are concentrated only in their heads and are only their own business, cease to be some kind of theory for you. They become pure experience, a direct experience of the heart, not the mind!

So how does it work?

One of my biggest discoveries in the field of combating fears and anxiety is the fact that we are usually afraid of some probabilistic event that may or may not happen. Usually such experiences begin with the words: “What if?” But when we perceive an event as something that has already happened with 100% probability, . Because our consciousness moves from the mode of fantasizing about a non-existent phenomenon (or existing only potentially) to the mode of constructive planning of actions about what actually happened. “This has already happened, what am I going to do about it?” This, you see, puts you in a constructive mood.

And when you reluctantly decide that some people have already thought the worst about you, you begin to think of it as a phenomenon that has come true: “What’s next?”

You notice that as soon as you coldly accept this fact, everything appears in a completely different light! You observe that your reaction to this bitter thought was not as terrible as you first imagined it to be. “Well, we thought about it and thought, so what next?”– you reason more calmly.

The fear and anxiety that you felt just a few minutes ago may seem ridiculous from the height of the exaggerated extreme that you have consciously created in your mind. You didn’t feel sorry for yourself, trying to soften the tone, but slashed straight away: “Yes, she 100% decided that I was just a complete moron.”. This technique immediately shows that what others think about you is not at all the same as what you think about yourself ( “Well, of course I don’t consider myself a complete idiot.”).

(Painful dependence on other people’s opinions occurs, among other things, from the fact that we begin to identify opinions about us with what we are for ourselves. We, as Nietzsche used to say, are trying to convince people that we are good, smart, noble, so that we can then believe in this opinion ourselves! Therefore, when others think badly of us, it may seem to us that we really are bad. The trick I described above helps us sharply distinguish between these two things. He is like a hammer that breaks illusory identity.)

Moreover, this approach helps you immediately see the obvious limited subjectivity of someone else’s assessment of your person. Let's say you admit that someone could think the most terrible things about you, for example, that you are the lowest and most vile person in the world and deserve fiery Gehenna. But you understand: no matter how terrible other people's thoughts about you are, these are just other people's thoughts, the imagination of others. Yes, this is understandable. But through this exercise you understand it on a deep, emotional level, on a level that allows you to make this truth your experience and practice.

Yes, someone thought terrible things about you.

So what? Really, so what? You never know what people think about you! You can't please everyone! That's right, you can't please everyone. But only now is your mind ready, like a sponge, to absorb this truth and dissolve it within itself.

Self-esteem is nonsense

The goal and purpose of this approach is neither self-deprecation nor self-praise. His goal is to learn to accept what is. I was always a little puzzled by the question

Much more important questions for me it’s “how to become better” and . Each of us is an individual with a set of strengths and weaknesses. We can remove some shortcomings and develop some advantages. With other qualities, alas, we can’t do anything, we just have to accept it. What does this have to do with how we evaluate ourselves? We are who we are. And a person who does not know how to accept himself must learn to do so, that’s all. His self-esteem has nothing to do with it.

Self-esteem can become the lever that other people pull to control you through criticism or flattery. She can become a thorn that causes burning shame and nervous anxiety about the opinions of others.

The exercise in this article teaches you to accept yourself. Why? Because mentally you have already assumed the worst thing that a person could think about you. Therefore, you will easily accept something that is not so terrible, but more realistic. “That person thought of me that I was very boring.” Either it is true, or it is not true, or both are mixed. Most often it happens both. “Yes, of course, I’m not the most boring person. There are people who are not bored with me. But I must admit that I don’t have the skill to communicate on topics that are not interesting to me.” So what? Great tragedy? I think people face challenges in their lives big problems than understanding your inability to participate in small talk.

Self-criticism and self-praise deprive you of any maneuver. You either get caught up in beating yourself up or revel in your social brilliance. I don't want to do anything. But acceptance opens up space for action, oddly enough. Let's say you've accepted the idea that you're not the most brilliant conversationalist. What's next? Next, you can either develop communication skills if they are important to you, or forget about them if they are not important. What's the point of worrying?

“We can stubbornly seek the respect and friendship of those people who do not play and are not capable of playing any role in our lives.”

Often, in the pursuit of recognition from other people, we forget what is really important to us. We can stubbornly seek the respect and friendship of those people who do not play and are not capable of playing any role in our lives. Why are we doing this? Sometimes for the notorious inflation of self-esteem. Sometimes striving for everyone's admiration becomes something of a competition for us, victories in which should remind us of our dignity and brilliance. And sometimes we simply do it out of inertia: once we have started to seek someone’s friendship, we continue to do it, despite all the failures.

But once we finally achieve this, we cease to appreciate it, although sudden failures on the social front, acts of disapproval from others can still greatly demoralize us. We cease to value the love and respect of those people who value us for who we are, whose favor we do not need to achieve with all our might: our close friends, relatives, while desperately striving for the friendly assessment of some random colleagues at work.

This magic exercise allows you to stop and ask yourself: “Hey, wait, is this opinion really that important to me?”

But what if it turns out to be really important? A person who is very important to you does not reciprocate your affection for him or your claims of friendship with him? If this really upsets you, that's completely normal. We are human and tend to get upset about these things. Accept this pain with all your heart with gratitude, because it will make you stronger. Don't try to deny it and drive it away. Let her be. Carry it with you for a while if you have to. But not with his head bowed mournfully, but solemnly and proudly - like a banner, like a noble insignia. And then it will pass. After all, everything passes. There will undoubtedly be people who will painfully disappoint you, there will be no escape from it. But let there be as few such people in your life as possible.