I want to be a different person, but I can’t accept myself. I'm at a dead end

Be wise

In order for your man to stop being “different” in your eyes, you must learn to motivate him correctly. You should never speak directly, point out its disadvantages and start scandals. Especially if you find out that the things that irritate you appeared in his character and behavior many years ago and he lived well with it, perhaps he even liked it all. And now you came, you seemed to love him for who he is, and suddenly unexpectedly you begin to express your “fairy” regarding your significant other. Therefore, if you want, for example, a young man to be neater, you should not say that he looks like a pig and you are ashamed to appear with him in decent society. This can lead either to your comments being completely ignored, or to the fact that the man will begin to spite you. Therefore, you should just casually tell him about how he is the most handsome and the best, but if he also combed his hair properly and put on an ironed shirt, he would simply become the king of parties. This behavior often works well on guys and you can easily achieve positive results.

It is necessary not only to re-educate a man, but to change your attitude towards him. Remember that if you decide to be with a person in whom you see shortcomings, then you yourself need to learn to close your eyes to them. Otherwise, you simply cannot be together and you will have to break up. And if you are wondering what to do if you cannot accept your loved one for who he is, then breaking up is not an option for you. Therefore, every time you want to get angry at a guy for some action that is unacceptable to you, remember his good qualities. Think about why you love him and notice how negative emotions will gradually recede into the background. Your boyfriend is somewhat right when he tells you that you fell in love with him just like that. It’s true, it’s just that the more we love, the more we want the ideal man next to us. But ideals do not exist, and the young man does not strive to become one. Therefore, do not try to fit it into the image that you create yourself, and then it will be easier for you to relate to its disadvantages.

Embrace his life

Often, women still cannot understand and accept a man, because his life, hobbies, social circle, and so on seem wrong and stupid. In this case, the woman should not influence the man at all. Of course, if this does not apply to those cases when she sees that his environment and hobbies have a detrimental effect on him and drag him to the bottom. In this case, you need to talk to him seriously, try to open your eyes to the situation. Under no circumstances should you tell him the facts and expect that the guy will believe you and do everything right away. You need to quietly give him the necessary information, little by little push him to do the right thing, create situations in which he will see that such a life is detrimental to him. And if a person is really not like that, and all this is just the merit of the environment, then in the end he will understand and change. Otherwise, you will have to think about breaking up.

But we are still talking about situations when a guy’s life is quite normal, it’s just unacceptable for you. For example, a young man loves computer games, in which you see no point, and his friends seem uncouth and vulgar to you, although he considers them funny and true. In this case, many girls make one huge mistake - they try to fall in love with his life. They spend hours mastering a new game, which the young man constantly talks about, and always try to communicate with his friends and say that they are good. But in reality, games remain a waste of time for them, and their friends remain brainless blockheads. And when a couple in love has another quarrel, the girl always remembers to say that she tried so hard, learned to play his stupid games for the guy and communicate with close-minded friends, but he did not appreciate it. To which the young man reasonably states that he never asked to make such sacrifices. The point is, ladies, that you shouldn't try to get carried away with a guy's life. You just have to understand it. And then you will be able to accept him and his life. Think for yourself, you also have hobbies that many do not understand or share. And even if this is utter nonsense for you, for hundreds of thousands of people such games are the main hobby in life. Therefore, you should not condemn a young man just because your hobbies are not similar. Let him just do his favorite thing, and you do yours. The only thing worth organizing is that you try to do everything at the same time, so that later you can have time for each other. In this case, you will not be annoyed by his hobbies and behavior, since you simply will not be bored.

The same goes for friends. A person cannot please everyone. And there is nothing abnormal if you cannot fit into his company. But it is absolutely stupid and even insensitive to accuse him of being friends with precisely such people. Remember that if a person annoys us, then we subconsciously look for only the bad in him and never notice the good. Therefore, most likely, you have formed a not entirely correct opinion about his friends. If these people are friends, and have been friends for a long time, it means they have something in common. In addition, men have completely different criteria for friendship. Often, they don’t care how their friends behave in a male company, they like vulgar and stupid jokes, they don’t pay attention to rudeness. Therefore, if you are irritated by a guy’s company, just keep your contacts with him to a minimum. But under no circumstances reproach the guy with your friends and do not forbid him to communicate with them. And when he goes to a group of friends, simply communicate with your friends. In this case, everyone will be happy and no one will get bored or irritated.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello.

I really don’t like myself, my body. It’s as if two people live in me, two essences: my soul and my body. I don't feel like I am a whole, and this makes me sad from time to time. I cannot be what my soul desires to be. If, for example, a person dreams of dancing, then he can go and learn dancing. But physiology, unfortunately, cannot be changed. I imagine that on the outside I am completely different, I have an ideal in my head of how I would like to be, but I understand that, for example, the shape of my eyes, the shape of my skull, my smile, etc. It’s impossible to change, and this depresses me very much. I can't accept myself as I am. This hopelessness sometimes drives me to despair and depression. If we judge objectively, I am not a freak, not disabled, a relatively healthy person, maybe handsome in places. I have positive qualities and skills, but I am fixated on appearance. So I clearly imagine how I would like to look, what kind of physique I would like, hair color, eye color, face shape, nose shape, what kind of voice I would like, skin, etc. All this is completely different, not what I have and therefore, I do not consider myself beautiful. Many people have much worse conditions with their appearance, and not only that, but for some reason such arguments do not reassure me. I am a maximalist and strive for perfection, for the ideal, I always work on myself to achieve what I dream of. But when it comes to appearance, I feel hopeless, because I cannot change myself externally the way I would like. Intellectually, I understand that medicine is not yet so omnipotent as to make me the person I would like to be, but this does not make life any easier... Please tell me, am I mentally ill if I think like that? What do i do? Please help me, at least point me in the direction. I understand that my story cannot be used to judge the problem 100%, but I tried to convey the essence and I really hope for your help.

I am 29 years old, single, no children. This problem has been going on for a very long time, it started 15-16 years ago. I have a good, trusting relationship with my parents, I communicate every day, I trust them with secrets.

Psychologist Svetlana Sergeevna Shikolaeva answers the question.

Hello, Vyacheslav,

I don't think you suffer from any serious mental illness. Of course, you are very neurotic about your many years of internal conflict “between soul and body,” but, apparently, the time has come to make efforts and seriously engage in resolving your internal contradictions. You started asking for help, wrote here, and this is the first step.

You are asking me to show you the direction... Look, the situation is that a person who does not accept himself does not accept the world as a whole (sometimes he does not fully realize this, but with the help of reasoning and analysis, this can be seen), and he also does not accepts the people around him as they are (similarly). That is, what does “does not accept” mean? It’s not that he hates, but he has no satisfaction, he doesn’t feel comfortable living in the world, he always seems to be upset that this world is “not perfect,” and even laments about this sometimes...

It turns out that the source of a problem similar to yours, Vyacheslav, is in worldview. It is impossible by willpower or with the help of some exercises, with the help of psychological training, it is impossible to gain acceptance of oneself in isolation from the acceptance of the world (and, of course, those people who live in this world with us).

But worldviews can change. This is true, and this is very good for all of us. Try to first determine your own worldview. I cannot ask you now to clarify, but I can assume that, judging by your letter, your worldview is somewhat egocentric. We are not talking about egoism, but about a “related” concept, which implies that a person, against his will and often without fully realizing it, still closes the entire World around himself. Thus, he is very “tied” himself, simply hand and foot, because he seems to be constantly in one position (in a certain conditional center of his World). Of course, this is uncomfortable, and over the years it simply becomes painful and painful (if you compare, for example, with how our body becomes numb if we are in one position for a long time).

You write: “I am a maximalist and strive for perfection, for the ideal, I always work on myself to achieve what I dream of.” This kind of maximalism, idealism, perfectionism are sure signs of egocentrism. Now in the modern world, people’s problems associated with their egocentrism are, unfortunately, very common. We have suffered from this almost since childhood. Of course, the conditions of our modern society, culture, modern family structure and modern upbringing contribute to this, and are one of the main reasons, but still we should not forget that, fortunately, many people successfully overcome and transform their self-centered worldview. Some of us earlier, in youth, some a little later, already in adulthood, but many of us have the strength to realize our life attitudes and “principles”, see their fallacy, decide to correct our mistakes and misconceptions, to the extent possible. perhaps many manage to do this to one degree or another. And life gets better.

What I could suggest you try is to analyze as honestly as possible the true goal (motive) of your striving for the ideal in everything. What actually is the “reward” that you receive when you do the job perfectly or, having correctly calculated the strategy and practice, accurately achieve your next goal. If you contact a psychologist in person who could help you with these considerations, that would be nice.

Another proposal. It is very useful for the transition from a painful egocentric worldview to one in which you will truly feel part of the world, and you will feel like a fish in water in this world, regardless of your appearance, is to start giving thanks. You need to give thanks regularly, every night before going to bed. You need to thank the World (believers thank God, if you believe, then thank God). You say to yourself, or even write down for greater effectiveness of this exercise, 10 different concepts (things, situations, relationships, people) that were in your life today and for which you can thank the Universe. If you suddenly like this “exercise” and get used to it, then feel free to leave it for the rest of your life.

By the way, about the soul... You wrote that “it’s as if two people live in me, two essences: my soul and my body. I don’t feel like a whole...” This happens when we forget that we have a third Human component. It is she who is the most important, and she is, as it were, the “cement” that holds together all three components in a person and gives us the feeling of a whole being - Man. In society, this component is called “spirituality,” but this word does not accurately convey its essence. This is the Spirit. Those. we are made up of body, soul and spirit. And all three components are given to a person from birth. (This is why it is not appropriate to use the word “spirituality”, which is perceived by us as something that we acquire and then develop in the process of life). The spirit in a person is as much a given as the body and soul. Try to feel it within yourself. Despite the fact that this component of us may go unnoticed for a long time, it is the most powerful. Try to feel it in yourself and “attract” it to the process of gaining a sense of your own integrity.

Hello, I don’t even know where to start. I can’t say that my life is terrible and I can’t survive it. Yes, I’ve experienced many losses of people dear to me, I’ve seen a lot, I’ve experienced shame and betrayal - there was a lot, but this everything did not influence me in this direction.
Thoughts about suicide first began to haunt me in adolescence, then I think it was a trend of age, a change in personality, the formation of a person, especially since I was never popular at school, etc.
Now I’m completely absorbed in thoughts on the topic of death. A 15-year-old girl wrote here, a cat came up with a cat for herself in the future, she doesn’t like the cat, but she’s only 15 and she can fix everything, but I can’t start life again. Some views have already formed regarding anything. And it is dissatisfaction with myself that irritates me, what kind of person I have become. There is a weight inside that I cannot get rid of, it constantly presses on me. I want to scream, cry, but I can’t. And just talk about my condition with neither who I can’t - they just don’t take me seriously.” Don’t make things up, throw this nonsense out of your head, etc.” If I could... I’ve already figured out how to do it in principle. I know that my sister will It’s hard to accept this, but she can handle it, she’s strong. What do I want from this confession? I want to understand why I can’t accept myself. Why life seems meaningless to me. Why my soul shrinks so much that I want to die!!
It turned out to be some kind of nonsense... Excuse me.
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Julia, age: 25 / 06/22/2011

Responses:

Hello.
I can't accept myself either. I always think that I’m not like that (and I don’t know what I should be like... no, I know, I want to be better :)). I'm afraid to express myself. Do something and be responsible for it.
On this site I came across a number of articles that clarified a lot. Of course, there are no actions yet, but the fears and worries in the soul have subsided. I really liked the series of articles about fear and self-love.
And today, one friend of mine - I am amazed at how she is not afraid to write what she likes to read - in general, she posted a link to an article about femininity: http://realisti.ru/main/women?id=494. In general, these sites contain a lot of information, which at first I thought was unnecessary for me, but in it I found new paths from my thicket.

Nelya, age: 26 / 06/22/2011

Julia, I read your message. Your feelings are so familiar to me. But I’m already 32 and still I believe that no matter what age, a person can change his attitude towards life and himself. Our problem is fixation on ourselves and our experiences. I also have a heaviness in my heart and I don’t see a future. But believe it or not, it's all in our heads. Reality exists on its own. I won’t say that you need to hold on, you need to pull yourself together, and not offer any methods. I just wish you, Yulechka, to pass this test. For some reason this was sent to us and it’s stupid to run away from the battlefield. If only because it’s interesting what will happen next. Hang in there, I understand how hard it is for you and I sympathize with all my heart. And now at this moment I ask God to help you, support you, give you strength.

Marina, age: 32 / 06/22/2011

Julia, everything can change!
My mother got married at a young age and gave birth to three children (I am the eldest), spent twenty years in marriage without leaving home. Education - 10 classes. At 42, I decided to get a profession and go abroad - I will soon finish my studies at university, and have already promoted several projects. conducts trainings.
And by the way, she has changed. She has changed a lot since my childhood. Her views on life, principles and character.
So change is possible (but difficult), life can be changed.
Heaviness... Just pray. Ask God for forgiveness for everything, ask for his help. Will help.
Besides, you didn’t invent anything for yourself, and your problem is here and now.
You are already an adult, and you are sure that there is something unshakable and beautiful in you, something deep down in your soul. That something is you. And everything bad that you don’t like will be eliminated. You are already an adult, so you can rely on yourself, on your unchanging core inside.
I am that same girl, by the way, but I think what I wrote is quite reasonable.
Good luck.

Fleur, age: 15 / 06/22/2011

I read everything. I understand you...but I would like to ask...what would you like? from life..is there something you dream about? You understand what a state of mind is, emptiness, unwillingness to BE...to live, it all has a reason. Your condition is a consequence.
I changed my life at 27 years old. I got married at 17, a young, trusting girl. It seemed to me then that I knew everything, how to live correctly, etc. I was mistaken. The problems began after the birth of our daughter; at that time we had been married for 3 years. At first we lived in rented apartments, it was difficult. We borrowed money for business, traveled the whole of Ukraine together, gaining clients and developing the business... I gave birth to a daughter, of course I began to be at home all the time, my husband began to run the company, I became a housewife. Quarrels and insults began against me, saying that I was nobody and my name was nothing. When my daughter turned 2 years old, I found out that the company, the house, the car... in short, everything that was, my husband signed over to himself with a deed of gift... as he put it, so that in the event of a divorce I would not get anything. I was shocked. I didn't even think about divorce. I didn’t look at life through rose-colored glasses, I knew that anything could happen in family life. We are people. We are all different. I didn’t just love my husband, I RESPECTED him as a person, as a person. I didn’t try to change him, I loved him as he was, with all his advantages and disadvantages. ..and my husband could not accept me as I am...
Of course, in a failed relationship, both are always to blame. One person cannot be to blame. I fought to the last for my family... but I couldn’t... One day I just realized that if now, this very minute I didn’t leave, I would simply not exist. I couldn’t breathe... it was simply unbearable for me... I was ironing my husband’s shirt at that moment... he insulted me, I didn’t quarrel... I just put the iron down and said that I wanted a divorce. he asked - why are you going to cut the tables in half?
..I looked at the man..I just felt sorry for him...
I didn’t share anything during the divorce, I left everything. If money is more important to a person than family, then what can we talk about...
It was very difficult for me the first six months, my daughter was small, I was alone... I had to rent an apartment, find a job... in short, life from scratch... the real thing... I was 27 years old.. and I was completely alone.. mine At first my husband thought that I was leaving for someone....he didn’t understand that I was just leaving HIM..
..I didn’t want to live, but I found strength in myself. Over time, everything got better, I lost a lot of weight (from stress, of course, but it did me good)... I found a good job over time..
I am writing all this in such detail that you would also think... is someone or something worth your life? Believe me, no. In addition, you can give new life to this World, because you are a WOMAN... don’t say that there is something impossible in life... believe me, everything can happen in life... Absolutely everything... and any pain, even a very long one , ends sooner or later. I am now 32 years old. A lot has happened in my life. You can write a book. Dontsova will be jealous:)..I started my life from scratch 3 times...for various reasons...but now I know for sure, I will live...and change something if I feel bad...I’m also on the verge now ...a week ago I thought everything...I just didn’t want to live...even for the sake of my daughter...it’s scary to realize...but it’s true...I wrote my story on this site recently.....
but I found the strength in myself..and I will live...it’s easiest to leave...it’s always difficult to fight, but when you win and understand it...believe me, it’s worth it...

Mira, age: 32 / 06/22/2011

Hello, Yulechka!
You know, suicide is not the answer. If you are a believer, then you should know that hell awaits suicides after death and this is forever and it will be impossible to correct or change anything. And this is provided that you die immediately, but what if you remain disabled and become a burden to your family and friends? Have you thought about this?
So stop moping, it’s better to turn to the Lord, repent, pray to Him, go to church, read the Bible and your life will gradually begin to change for the better. Just believe in the Lord and trust Him in everything, and He will definitely help you.
May God bless you!

Aleana, age: 41 / 06/22/2011

Julia, hello. Are you 25 years old and have you already given up on yourself? What should people do who, at the age of 40–50–60, are forced to start life anew?
Personally, I entered university when I was 26 years old... And at 28 I lost it. I needed the minimum - money for a nightly subscription to books, and I didn’t have it... And those who could help did not help. My salary was spent on living expenses, and each book cost 1 ruble by the standards of that time - this was expensive. And I needed to read a lot of books. Problems arose with the coursework teacher shortly before the session - she sharply changed the requirements, which I, a correspondence student, were unable to meet... The loss of the university was a terrible tragedy for me, because it was my first independent step and this faculty was truly for me interesting.
And just recently I was thinking about my future: what is left for me in my situation? By age standards, I am old. Life is full of uncertainty. And if God willing and everything settles down, how to live on? In personal development I had to narrow down to a couple of things like: learning languages ​​and if God sends an instrument - music... In a professional sense, I am a nobody.
And you are only 25 years old. You still have so much time and opportunities.
Your condition is not nonsense, and you won’t be able to just get it out of your head. But we need to work with this. It’s not just that this feeling of meaninglessness appeared. Since you ask the question “Why, why live?”, sooner or later you will receive an answer to it. You just have to wait and keep going.
And if I write about your sister like this, you will hurt her terribly. And it is quite possible that you will drag her along with you. Such wounds do not heal until death. And THERE they also bleed, because in Heaven we strive to meet people dear to us. And here it turns out to be an empty space and NEVER.
This is very scary - to NEVER again hear the laughter and voice of a loved one, sparkling eyes, but instead, before your sister’s eyes, a crumpled body will stand like the last hello, covered in urine and feces, and maybe blood, and this terrible expression on her face, full hopeless torment. And she will see this every night, and it will haunt her until her death. Do you love your sister so much that you want to give her such a terrible gift for life?
http://www.k-istine.ru/suicide/suicide_hasminskiy-02.htm

I am very familiar with the feeling of this melancholy, when you seem to be pushed out of this life - it’s so unbearably painful. I have only been in a state of peace for about a month now and I don’t want to scream in pain and I don’t writhe at night from all the images of the past, from someone else’s and my own guilt. Only the first month after...years. The Mother of God begged me.
Every drop of pain has its own meaning. Sometimes events happen in our lives that are difficult or simply impossible to understand or accept. But we must live with this and THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING. Not only for the good, but also for the bad. For our bad deeds, if there were any, because the Lord gave us the opportunity to know our true selves, and through THIS helps us to REALLY humble ourselves, which means it gives us the opportunity to work on ourselves. And one repentant is worth many righteous people.
Even your pain today is just a step in a long staircase leading up. After all, every crisis is always pain, followed by INSIGHT AND EPICITY. AND SOMETHING NEW AND BEAUTIFUL.
Personally, life in God helps me. Without prayer, I simply would not have survived. I don’t know if you’re a believer, but IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU WOULD GO TO TEMPLE (OR AT HOME), KNEEL, TELL GOD EVERYTHING THAT’S TORRING YOU SO, AND ASK HIM TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE, TO GUIDE YOU. And every evening before going to bed, you told Him how your day went, how you were doing - like a child, with complete trust, like a Father. (I do this too) And your life will change. Most likely not instantly, but gradually, very gradually. The coming of God into a person’s life does not free one from all pain and all suffering. But Joy and Consolation appear. And we change, and that spiritual core appears in our souls, which does not allow us to be led by circumstances and other things, but helps us to be above them. After all, there are many people who have more limited capabilities than you, they don’t have arms, legs, eyes... But they don’t give up.
Do you have a New Testament? 1 Corinthians chapter 13 talks about love. Read it - this is for you.
With God blessing.

Stella, age: 39 / 06/22/2011

To begin with, I want to say thank you to all those who responded. This is really important... because... in life they don’t hear me, thanks also to those who shared their personal example and their pain, I really appreciate it.

Here many people talk about God, but unfortunately I cannot come to him, I am not a believer and nothing will make me believe in some higher powers (sorry) I am a man of science and am inclined to believe in it.
I want to answer Mira. You ask: “What would I want from life?” You see, this is the essence of the problem: I don’t want anything. There’s no goal in life, there’s no satisfaction for anything. Emptiness... Many people say you’re young, you need to work on yourself, you can’t give up. Your whole life is ahead, you can achieve a lot, learn, etc. .d. I’m not arguing. But I don’t know what to work on, I don’t see any interests. I’m not a slacker, I got a higher education, I work, but there are no emotions. It would be easier if it annoyed me. But there’s nothing. As if I I’m already dead, but I’m dragging my feet along the ground. I seem to understand everything, but I just can’t cope with this. I don’t know how to contact a specialist and I don’t know what to do.

Julia, age: 25/06/23/2011

Well, how does it work with what? With despondency, and maybe depression. Read about depression on our website, it seems like there are similar symptoms. It can last for years. And a specialist treats her.
In order to change something, think, WHAT exactly would you like to change? An apartment (to a real estate office)? City (start sending resumes for your profession to those cities where you would like to live)? Appearance (to the hairdresser)?
If you have determination, then age is not a hindrance. Here's another example.
A lady I know is a very accomplished lady - two children, a husband, and a job as an accountant. And somehow I see that she is studying with interest a biology textbook for the eighth grade. For what? She decided that all her life she wanted to study medicine, not economics! And he’s going to go to medical school! forty years!

By the way, many people of science believe in God. You read the Gospel, and then decide if there is anything unscientific there :)

YuliaA, age: 36 / 06/23/2011

Accepting yourself is unbearably difficult... but you have to try, I worked at a construction site, I was specifically looking for a place where I would stupidly work hard and I found it, not for money, but to actually kill myself, this did not make me happy... I am a believer, but I understood that I needed to be the first to try, so that God Himself would then do something and do it.... I sleep better, I even plan something, of course this is not the life that it was before, but it’s easier to remember former happiness is also a result. Communication with colleagues at a construction site was also hard to do at the beginning, when you have a clear feeling inside that people are EVIL, even some friendships have arisen, of course life is not like each of us expects from her, but since such a situation happens to a person, something needs to be done.

Gleb, age: 27 / 06/23/2011

Julia, I don’t have a higher education. But my Grandmother (with a higher education) always, saving me from depression, told me: HAVING A CERTIFICATE OF HIGHER EDUCATION AND HAVING A HIGH EDUCATION IS NOT THE SAME, and very often, having a piece of paper in their hands, people do not know how to think elementary .
I doubt that you are a person of a scientific mind. Because science, as everyone knows, is based on facts and studies them in patterns. Is not it?
Have you read Khasminsky’s article “How to Die Ugly, or Last Greetings to Loved Ones”?
Re-read the entire section “The Fate of the Relatives of the Suicide” - everything there is BASED ON FACTS.
Turn on your brain's scientific apparatus and try to rethink everything SCIENTIFICALLY.
I just feel sorry for your sister!!!
God bless you!!!

Stella, age: 39 / 06/23/2011

Yulia, I’m sorry, but it’s really some kind of nonsense. You write that you’re only 25 and you can’t change anything. Believe me, this is not the age when nothing can be changed. For example, I’m 29, I have a lot of problems. But this does not mean that you need to commit suicide. Sometimes life is really bad, but you have to live. For the sake of those who love you, for the sake of those who care about you. And what is dissatisfaction with oneself? What drives you to commit suicide? Please describe it.

Denis, age: 29 / 07/12/2011

“The moment a person accepts himself as he is,
without judging or comparing yourself with others,
both the feeling of superiority and the feeling of humiliation disappears.
Tension disappears, unsuccessful attempts stop
become someone else, stress and depression go away,
which arose due to self-rejection.”

We strive so hard to change yourself to get closer to generally accepted standards of beauty, success, that we don’t pay attention to our real selves.

Even if we manage to lose weight or gain weight, or acquire another thing in order to correspond to a certain status in society, we discover that this does not make us happier and luckier. On the contrary, inside the emptiness grows.

And all because we stubbornly do not want to see ourselves as we really are, without embellishment.

The main secret of positive changes is complete self-acceptance. But how to accept what you don’t like?

In this article I will tell you why it is so difficult to accept yourself. You will learn the difference between acceptance and rejection and how to learn to accept yourself.

Bonus for readers:

Where does self-acceptance begin?

From accepting your body. Most people, even those who have taken the path of spiritual development, often identify themselves with the body.

This is understandable. The body is a physical object, you can touch it and see it. It is easier to identify with the body. Moreover, we grew up with this understanding.

Therefore, the first thing you need to accept in yourself is the body.

How often do you take care of your body consciously and lovingly? Constantly? If yes, then you can be congratulated. You don't need to master this step.

But what about those who are still unable to accept a body?

You can eat healthy food as much as you want, exercise, get regular check-ups, but if this is done not for the sake of love, care and the process itself, but to meet some internally set standards, then this is not love for the body.

Learn listen to your body, recognize its signals. The most effective way to accept your physical shell is.

Thank him for having it, for helping you realize your needs and desires.

When the body signals pain, do not judge it, but accept this sign, signal.

Find out how to learn to feel your inner body from the article.

I hope I helped you figure out why you can’t accept yourself.

Below I offer practices that will help you get to know yourself better and learn to accept.

6 ways to learn to accept yourself

1. Monitor moments of rejection

Rejection arises from the need to be good, the need to please others. To track states of rejection, you are in full awareness almost all the time.

Constantly ask yourself questions: “Is this exactly what I want to do now?” “Will this be good for me?”

2. Recapitulate your beliefs

One of the signs of self-rejection is self-criticism. By criticizing yourself, you seem to be communicating that you are not what you should be, that you do not measure up. someone's expectations.

First, figure out whose expectations and requirements these are. Where do they come from and why should you comply with them?

To your amazement, you suddenly find out that some of the requirements are random statements from some acquaintances or even complete strangers.

Your brain at one time pulled them out of the context of the conversation. And this may not concern you at all. But then for some reason you remembered it. And you began to adhere to this criterion.

When you want to be good for your loved ones, this is understandable, but the need to please absolutely everyone leads to losing yourself.

Conduct a thorough recapitulation of your (your?) beliefs, criteria for a good person, wife/husband, mother/father, daughter/son, employee, friend, etc.

Some of them will disappear after awareness. You will have to work with others.

3. Keep an acceptance journal.

If you find it difficult to accept yourself as a whole, accept yourself in parts. Start with individual character traits, habits, appearance.

Keep an acceptance diary where you describe the times when you did not accept yourself and when you did. Track changes and reward yourself.

Don’t expect that if you haven’t accepted yourself at all, once you start working on yourself, you’ll be able to accept yourself completely right away. It all starts with the little things.

Collect these grains, note the slightest changes in yourself, write them down and re-read them in moments of decline and self-condemnation.

4. Practice “Who Am I?”

To learn to accept yourself, do this practice.

Answer yourself these questions:

Who am I? Am I my body? No. Am I a surname, a first name? No.

Do this in a meditative state.

By consistently answering such questions, you will reach to its essence. And you will understand that you are not this body, you are not Ivan Petrov or the manager of such and such a company.

You are not just a person, but something more.

You are nothing and everything at the same time. You are spirit, part of the whole, part of the Universe, part of the creator. You are the Universe and you are the creator.

If you learn to track states of non-acceptance, then at such moments you will remember who you truly are. And then it will immediately become clear that it is the ego that does not accept itself, and not you yourself.

You will understand that the body is just a tool, and your name, profession, belonging to a certain family, country are elements of personality. This is the role you have chosen to play.

This practice will help you accept yourself. More precisely, not myself, but this role. Because you cannot help but accept your true essence.

5. Take cues from young children

Take a closer look at how the kids love themselves and rejoice at their small achievements.

When a child is just learning to walk, he does not blame himself for falling. He accepts himself at this moment. This is self-love and total acceptance in its purest form.

Yes, children need mother's love. They need it for growth and development. If there is not enough of it, it is the same as depriving a person of the sun for a long time. It seems possible to live, but it slows down development.

The younger the child, the more he accepts and loves himself. Little children have not yet lost the feeling of unconditionally loving themselves and everything that surrounds them.

And all because they live in the moment “here and now”. They do not live in the past and do not live in the future. They are absorbed in the present moment.

6. Practice “Revival of unconditional self-love”

Working with your inner child will help you accept yourself. The only difference is that we usually find our wounded aspects and heal as adults.

But here, on the contrary, a small child heals all subsequent traumas up to our present version.

Enter a meditative state. Remember yourself as a kid. Roll the tape of your life back to childhood until you remember yourself like this, when you accepted yourself completely.

If you don't remember it anymore, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Imagine how you would feel about yourself, how you would love yourself, if you were a baby who does not yet know what it means to be rejected.

Track these sensations and remember them. Transfer them to yourself today. Feed yourself with these sensations. Send rays of love and acceptance to those aspects of you that need it.

If you want, remember those moments of self-judgment.

Better yet, just send the intention that you heal all aspects of yourself with that innocent childlike pure unconditional love. And anchor this state in the Earth crystal.

Acceptance is the first step towards discovery.

This is the beginning of positive changes, self-healing, self-knowledge and gaining integrity.

By accepting, you learn tolerance towards loved ones, you gain wisdom.

Share in the comments what you have already managed to accept in yourself, and what you have not yet succeeded in!

Today I want to talk about a fairly common misconception that prevents many from feeling comfortable and happy: “If I have taken the path of love (for myself, others and the world as a whole), then I must accept everything”. Usually, under “ obliged to accept everything” means:

• I should not be irritated, dissatisfied, offended and angry;
• I must always be calm, joyful, good-natured and friendly;
• I have no right to be indignant, resist, refuse, leave, shut down, be sad, etc.
• I must understand, support, respect, love, thank, forgive, etc.

Thanks to colossal efforts of will, such a person becomes artificially correct, real, understanding, accepting, supportive for everyone and everything. But an attentive and sensitive observer may notice that something is wrong with him. Despite the calmness being conveyed, there is some kind of nerve, a tear, something subtle, but not healthy.
And really, where would you be without this, if your whole essence wants to explode from injustice, to stand up for yourself, but instead, you gather your will into a fist, put on a smile and say that in life there is a place for everyone.

You don't have to...

• love those you don't like;
• respect those who hurt you;
• be content with terrible conditions;
• remain calm when the world around you is falling apart;
• look indifferently at how your interests, feelings and rights are violated.

We cannot help but react to stimuli because we are alive. But we can control the severity of our reactions and the level of their adequacy. If they break our arm and we remain calm, this is an inadequate reaction.
If we are accidentally hit in transport, and we raise an oath and start a fight, this is an inadequate reaction.

Yes, we can understand and accept that there is a lot of aggression and violence in the world, but this does not oblige us to endure and endure the actions of a tyrant directed against us and/or our loved ones.
Acceptance does not make us passive bystanders, sufferers and compromisers. Acceptance does not exclude us from life, but, on the contrary, includes us in it.

“It pisses me off that people are late. I'm trying to accept it. I try not to pay attention. I try to keep myself busy and distracted while I wait. But everything is boiling inside me! I think it's unfair to make others wait. Yes, I understand intellectually - traffic jams, sick children, overslept, a fan broke down, delayed at another meeting, but in reality, this does not help me not to be nervous and remain calm.”

What is this man doing? He is trying to come to terms with and learn not to react to something that irritates him terribly. He mistakenly calls these attempts “acceptance of others.” But in fact, what he needs to accept is not that people are late, but that he has a painful relationship with time, and that something needs to be done about it, since this has been a problem for quite a long time and is exhausting him.

Let me remind you that for me, acceptance is a process that I conditionally divide into awareness of reality, agreement that it is exactly what it is and, as a result, a way out, that is, making a decision on further actions.
So, without outside help, it was almost impossible for this man to realize what exactly he was not taking. Realize that there are deeper personal reasons that cause anger and irritation due to being late. Next, he needed to accept that the real reason for his dissatisfaction lay not in other people, but in himself. And as a result, make a decision - to work it out or leave it as is.

As you can see, in the example described above there is no question of meekly accepting delays and simply enduring, hiding it under a false mask of supposed acceptance. If you think that a person has let you down by his delay, tell him about it. React. Give feedback. But if any tardiness, any delay, any procrastination causes a storm of difficult-to-control emotions in you (that is, the degree of your irritation is not always adequate to the situation), then most likely you are missing and masking the true reason, which needs to be accepted and sorted out.

What was described above was more about the issues of accepting other people and the world, but what about accepting yourself?

I can't accept myself!

OK. Let's imagine a person who you don't like externally and has a character with whom you can't get along. Introduced? Now come on - accept and love him. Do you think it will work? Even if you live together and try your best, overall it will be a daily torment. And you will feel good only in those bright moments when you are apart.

You will not be able to accept and love such a person. So where did you get the idea that, being dissatisfied with yourself on all the same points, you can accept and love yourself? You are more likely to end up with neurosis than with love.

A woman suffers from excessive obesity. She looks at herself in the mirror and is not happy. She is trying to play sports, go on a diet, carry out various cleansing and health procedures for the body. But all this is fragmentary, not systematic, ineffective and/or not for long. And again, she looks at herself in the mirror and is not happy.
I think everyone knows firsthand that if he himself is dissatisfied with his appearance, then it is very difficult for someone to like him. Even if we outwardly completely satisfy the taste of our object, we will repel him with our own behavior, and the more strongly, the stronger his attempts to get closer to us.

After unsuccessful attempts to put herself in order, the woman decides that she just needs to accept herself. In fact, she is not trying not to accept, but to come to terms with her own powerlessness and try to stop having complexes and suffering. She begins to demonstrate artificial behavior, convincing herself that the chubby girls are very kind. That they are the best mothers, wives and lovers. That her fullness is her individuality and advantage. And you know, all this is great when a woman really thinks so (and at the same time has no health problems), but not when she tries to convince herself and everyone around her of this. Why? Yes, because she hurts inside. Very. An artificial smile gives way to bitter tears “I try very hard, but I can’t accept myself! Help!".

But what we need to accept here is not completeness. It is necessary to realize that there is a problem - I don’t like myself and I can’t cope with it. And agree that this problem exists and something needs to be done about it.

I’ll repeat it again so that you don’t get the impression that I consider fatness to be something indecent, unhealthy and abnormal - if you feel comfortable and cool in your body, then that’s great. I’m talking about those cases when this becomes a personal, insoluble problem for a very specific person. For one, being plump is deliciousness and a thrill, but for the other, it is pain and suffering. There is no need to help the first, but the second wound will come for support later.

So, you are not obliged to accept what you don’t like, what doesn’t suit you, infuriates, horrifies, infuriates you, etc. Any reaction you have to a person, event or some manifestation of yourself is a bell. It can be situational - you didn’t get enough sleep, you’re in a bad mood, your blood sugar level has dropped, so you’re angry and irritable. Or maybe a real alarm: "I have a problem's! I need help! This can’t go on any longer!”

Please don't turn the idea of ​​acceptance into chasing chimeras. Be alive and be yourself.

If you feel like you are already pretty confused and can’t figure it out on your own, then please