Any person has faced a situation where he did something stupid, said hurtful words without thinking about the consequences, in a park or out of emotion. And then, naturally, we sincerely repent and regret what happened.
This behavior is due to the fact that there is no complete or partial control over emotions and one’s own feelings. The problem is indeed very relevant, since it can have very real and serious consequences for a person. In particular, there are often cases when people have lost loved ones because of a carelessly thrown word or a rash act.
In this article we’ll talk about how to cope with your emotions and learn, if not completely control, then restrain your feelings. After getting acquainted with the presented material, you will be able to avoid many mistakes and unpleasant situations in life, feel confident and relaxed in any society, and look at your behavior from the point of view of a professional psychologist.
Strive for the real
Human emotions are multifaceted and diverse in their essence and nature. And not all of them we can control on a conscious level. Let's take fear, for example. This feeling is based on the classic instinct of self-preservation. It is impossible to completely neutralize this feeling in all its manifestations. And don’t believe anyone who says he’s absolutely fearless.
It is clear that it is worth fighting this instinct very wisely, as they say, without fanaticism. To “overcome yourself,” you shouldn’t walk over an abyss on a tightrope without a safety net. However, for the most part, the format of manifestation of emotions can be corrected. And this, of course, must be used.
A little self-deception with possible consequences
Many of us believe that there is only one life, and it is necessary to live it in such a way that later it will not be excruciatingly painful for wasted years. There is definitely some truth in this. But this does not mean that the ability to manage your emotions is an unnecessary atavism. And we can, without a twinge of conscience, rush into all serious things, without thinking about the possible consequences.
It is quite difficult for a person to manage emotions and feelings; this requires considerable effort and effort. It is much easier to tritely refer to the fact that those around them are more friendly and welcoming towards people who are flighty, not too “concerned” about the future, and capable of adventurous acts. They justify themselves by saying that reasonable and reserved people look insipid and unsociable, heartless and boring. However, people who know how to suppress emotions are more likely to achieve success in a variety of areas of human life, including building a successful career, achieving material well-being and being happy in their personal lives.
Initially, carefully and thoroughly analyze the current situation. There was an experiment in psychology that was named after its author, Michel Walter (also called by experts the “marshmallow test”). The practicing scientist placed a sweet on the table in front of 4-year-old children and asked them to wait 15 minutes to get a second one. Only 30% of children waited for the second “prize”; the rest ate the sweets right away. What does this mean? The fact that almost a third controls their desires and feelings. But do they really know how to learn to restrain their emotions? Or is it genetics? No, children behave exactly like their parents! If dad or mom constantly throws hysterics and scandals at home, on the street, in society, is always late everywhere, makes impossible promises, then the child will follow suit. And don’t even expect it to be any different! For this reason, it is initially necessary to clearly analyze your shortcomings and “weak points.” If necessary, you can and even need to seek help from a professional psychologist. His help will definitely not be superfluous.
The effectiveness of self-control is determined, according to the famous psychologist Itzhak Pintosevich, by several components, among which the following are worth highlighting:
- You should not try to deceive not only the people around you, but, above all, yourself. If you are thinking about how to learn to control your emotions, then be as honest as possible in your assessments. The desire to simplify the situation or “smooth out the corners”, as a rule, does not lead to anything good.
- The process of self-control is a difficult, daily, one might say, minute-to-minute work, and not an event “to suit the mood” from time to time. The following situations should not occur. You woke up in the morning and thought: “Today I want to relax a little, rest, show off, and tomorrow I’ll definitely think about how to learn to manage my emotions.” This kind of approach is completely unacceptable.
- Use not only self-control, but also conditional external supervision. Suppose you decide to perform certain actions within a set time frame (write an article, clean the house, carry out renovations in the apartment, and so on). You can always announce this publicly to your family, friends or colleagues. If at some point an irresistible (as it seems to you) desire arises to “not give a damn” and no longer think about how to learn self-control, then there will be an additional incentive not to stop.
One of the most effective methods of self-control is to write down your goals - do not swear, do not raise your voice at family members, do not spread gossip, do not make unfulfillable promises based on emotions, and so on. Then you place this paper in a visible place and periodically, for example, every evening, evaluate the degree to which your goals have been achieved. Believe me, from day to day the number of “violations” will gradually decrease, since the established postulates will form in you on a subconscious level.
Before you learn to control your emotions, understand your financial issues. The fact is that we live in a society where material well-being directly affects our mental and emotional state. It’s not for nothing that people have an expression about “pay your taxes and sleep well.”
Everything in the world comes, everything can be changed and corrected. For this reason, try to approach all troubles and life problems with the proper degree of philosophy. How to learn to manage emotions if you react inappropriately and nervously to every “sneeze” of your neighbor. Worry less and remember the popular wisdom that “nerve cells do not recover.”
Sometimes it is useful to go against your desires, for example, to be rude to this or that person. Just smile, give a compliment, even if it goes against your ambitions. This way you will be able to better control your feelings and emotions.
In conclusion, it is worth noting that the best option for developing a stable psyche is to seek advice and further help from an experienced, highly qualified psychologist. Together you can improve your life, make it more meaningful, calm and happy.
Managing emotions is an essential skill for every civilized person. Some, faced with the destructive effect of emotions in conflicts, consider them evil, strive to suppress, tightly control them, and even get rid of emotionality altogether. Have they achieved success? No, this path can only lead to neurosis, making emotional reactions inadequate to the real situation. It would be correct to accept emotional reactions as an integral mental phenomenon, without painting them in negative tones as something inherently bad or harmful.
The importance of the ability to manage emotions is explained by the fact that they are easy to stimulate, emotions have an impact on many processes, both in the personal and interpersonal reality of everyone, they are easily included and activate our behavior patterns. Emotion management is sometimes mistakenly understood as suppression, but this method of processing emotional reactions when abused is not only ineffective, but also extremely harmful.
Managing emotions involves the ability to engage them and give them direction—for example, to inspire oneself and others to take action. And today the question before us is no longer “how to get rid of emotions,” but “how to let go of your emotions.” We have learned to suppress ourselves and have lost the ability of natural self-expression, roughly cutting off reactions instead of competently transforming them, directing them, like a river in a different direction, sublimating them. Suppressed reactions are a common cause not only of a person’s mental problems, but also of many diseases that are psychosomatically closely related to experiences.
Managing Emotions - Psychology
Absolutely all people need the skill of managing. Emotional reactions are necessary for us to adapt to the world around us, and when we know how to manage our emotions, better things happen, we become happier and more successful. The system of emotional reactions is a complex mechanism, and like any complex mechanism, malfunctions can occur. and unconscious attitudes interfere with the emotional reality and give rise to those around them.
Emotions carry information; they fill the life of any group, and this is the ability to understand this information. And yes, emotions can be ignored, but they will not disappear because of this, therefore it is important to learn how to manage them wisely. Various emotional reactions enable us to experience the fullness of life. Remember a busy day in which you had the opportunity to experience the whole gamut of experiences. Surely on this day you were active, had a strong feeling, and participated in many events. And on the contrary, an unemotional day in front of the TV, when in boredom you switched channels and nothing resonated in your soul - made life gray and meaningless, by the evening it came, you didn’t want to do anything.
The more emotions, the brighter life is, and therefore people are constantly in search of positive experiences, trying to saturate their lives with them: through communication, films, music, travel, sometimes even extreme actions, and in extreme cases through alcohol or drugs. Emotions also allow you to react not at the moment of incidents, but long before them, and react more complexly. Suppose we violated traffic rules and a traffic police officer took away our license. A month later they were returned, but now every time we go out on the road we are afraid of the traffic police. Sometimes such caution is appropriate, sometimes not - and then the system of emotions needs to be adjusted. Everyone has a personal set of conditions that provides and maintains an appropriate lifestyle, becomes an indispensable assistant in moving towards success, or, on the contrary, regularly leads to defeat.
To control emotional reactions, you need to be open to your emotions and the states of other people, and be ready to accept them. And also be able to influence yourself and others in order to tap into emotional potential. When a person has an emotion, the muscles begin to work. For example, when expecting something important or scary, he literally cannot sit still, walks, constantly touches and twirls something in his hands. Also, emotions are chemically provided by the release of hormones, and the stronger this release, the more powerful the emotion, and the more difficult it becomes to control. However, emotions, even negative ones, are always energy, which, when directed in the right direction, helps to achieve high results.
How to manage feelings and emotions?
Each person is able to withstand only a certain level of emotional stress. When the load is exceeded, almost anyone begins to behave inappropriately, which manifests itself in others. And prolonged exposure to emotional stress leads to psychosomatic disorders.
Stanislavski, when training young actors, used an interesting technique to illustrate the influence of emotional stress on a person’s psychological state. He offered to lift the piano to several young people, which was not difficult. However, they had to continue to hold it, after 5 minutes their condition changed. And Stanislavsky asked them, holding the piano, to begin a story about their dream. Needless to say, this story was extremely dry and lacking in substance. And then he suggested lowering the piano, and the actor would open up. Many people keep the same emotional “grand pianos” within themselves, and often even several. Which does not give them a chance to live life to the fullest.
Everyone wants to be happy, and this pushes them to take action, to find ways to enjoy life. A person comes to understand that his happiness depends on his emotional reactions and the ability to change them. Even when faced with negative moments, having mastered control over emotions, everyone can transform their reactions, and as a result, their actions. During this time, a person cannot achieve what he wants, so improving his personal psycho-emotional state and increasing his energy tone help him achieve success. Even if it is not possible to change emotions, a person can learn to get out of this state, while controlling himself.
In a team, it is especially valuable to understand the emotions and feelings of friends and colleagues. Any group in society, even a family, periodically enters a state caused by various emotional states, motivations, and opposing interests of its members. And managing emotions in a conflict provides a chance not only to resolve the dispute that has broken out, but also to eliminate the conflict in its very bud.
How to manage emotions and feelings? Emotional reactions are well managed by those who know the techniques of managing emotions, and also have a high level of, which today is recognized as an important component of success and effectiveness along with mental. To increase this type of intelligence, you need to learn to understand your own emotions, distinguish between them, track their signals in the body, accept them and be able to analyze how reactions affect behavior, be aware of behavioral strategies and choose the appropriate situation. In contact with people, high EQ is manifested in the fact that its owner can be open to them without being open to them, be accommodating and can well distinguish the feelings of others by external manifestations: body movements, chosen postures, facial expressions, intonations. An emotionally literate person questions the effectiveness of his influence and his ability to openly express his own emotions, and constantly trains in these skills.
If you want to learn how to manage your emotions, or are wondering about your level of emotional literacy, take the test to measure emotional intelligence. Based on its results, you will be able to assess what you need to work on and plan the further development of each of the components of emotional literacy: self-management, social awareness and relationship management.
Also, to be able to manage emotions, you first need to reduce the level of stress, which takes energy, and with prolonged exposure, depletes the nervous system, making changes impossible - there is not enough strength for them. Identify the source of stress and try to cope with it yourself or with the help of a specialist. Simple everyday advice to take things more simply helps to maintain optimism, which contributes to the mental well-being and disposition of other people.
Ways to manage emotions
Ways to manage emotions are revealed in different approaches to psychotherapy: humanistic, and others. Moreover, cognitive behavioral psychotherapy is considered the most effective in the short term, which is confirmed by the preference given to it by government agencies and insurance companies.
Pavlov derived and is now actively using the formula for emotional response: S → K → R = C, where S is the activating situation, K is the cognitive assessment of the situation, R is the reaction, C is the consequences of the situation. For example, you bought an expensive plane ticket, but were late for it (S) and blame it on the slowness of the taxi driver (K), and therefore feel angry and frustrated (R), as a result, you swear not to take a taxi anymore or are automatically aggressive react to all subsequent trips (C). But what if you find out that the plane crashed? In this case, you will think that it is wonderful that the driver was late (K), and the subsequent emotional reaction (R) will be different, and in connection with it, the consequences of the situation (C). It follows from this that in order to change emotions, you need to control precisely your cognitive assessment of what is happening, that thought that comes with lightning speed before the emotion and is not even always realized, is not revised, but triggers an emotional reaction. Indeed, as in the proverb: “A thought that arrives like a dove rules the world.”
Our deepest beliefs are accompanied by habitual ways of responding - behavioral strategies, and they are the sources of such automatic cognitions - our instant and often unconscious interpretations of what is happening. To change an emotion, you need to analyze the situation and re-interpret it, which will entail a different emotion and, accordingly, a different outcome. For example, you are driving and you get cut off. If you give in to the most common thought in situations on the road, that the other driver is extremely stupid and rude, then the appropriate reaction will be aggression. But the cognitive-behavioral approach suggests not following automatisms, but independently finding an alternative interpretation of the situation so as not to lose your temper: think that that driver may be driving for the first time after training, he had an accident, he is in a hurry to the hospital. Then you are more likely to experience empathy or at least solidarity with him.
Almost all psychological approaches pay great attention to the control of thoughts and attitudes. To increase your awareness, take a break and think about what caused the unwanted reaction. To do this, fully understand and accept your current state, then try to give an adequate assessment of your reactions, mentally return to the previous state and find a resource reaction, enter the selected state and mentally bring it into the current one. By performing this technique, for example, you will be able to move from the emotion of uncontrollable anger into a calm meta-state, in which you will be able to use the energy of anger for the purpose you choose.
Techniques for increasing awareness are followed in popularity by techniques for managing emotions through the body, since bodily states are closely related to emotions and consciousness.
This approach through the body to begin managing emotions suggests the following exercises: deep breathing, muscle release. Another exercise for managing emotions can be through the imagination or on an external level: imagine the desired picture, draw the emotion on paper and burn it. 
Incredible facts
It’s normal to experience emotions, the problem is that often we don’t know what to do with them.
Therefore, in most cases we resort to familiar methods. For men, the most common outlets are video games, alcohol and smoking. Women cope with their emotions through food or shopping.
It's good if this happens from time to time. However, most often we use such unhealthy methods regularly. Ultimately, our relationships, work and health suffer.
How can you learn to manage your emotions effectively?
There are a few rules to remember.
How to learn to control your emotions
1. You don't choose your emotions because they arise in a part of the brain that we have no control over.
2. Emotions are not subject to moral rules. They are not good or bad, right or wrong. It's just emotions.
3. You are in charge of your emotions.
4. You can suppress emotions, but you cannot get rid of them.
5. Emotions can lead you astray or lead you down the right path. It all depends on your actions.
6. The more you ignore them, the stronger they become.
7. The only way to deal with emotions is to allow yourself to feel them.
8. Emotions fuel your thoughts. You can use your thoughts to manage your emotions.
9. You need to understand your emotions and what they want to tell you so that you can cope with stress. In other words, you need to process your emotions.
10. Every emotion carries an important message. This message helps you understand yourself better, even if you try to hide it. Do yourself a favor and accept whatever emotions you have by feeling them.
11. How your parents responded to your emotions determines how you feel about your emotions now. As you matured, your emotions matured along with you. They developed, became deeper and more influential.
How to manage emotions
Your emotions have been trying to come to the surface for a long time. They do not disappear, but go deep, and these roots have meaning.
If you want to become more aware of your emotions, start acknowledging them to avoid misunderstandings with others.
There are a few simple steps to learn to cope with your emotions.
1. What emotion are you experiencing?
The first thing you need to do is identify what you are feeling. Psychologists highlight 4 main emotions: anxiety, sadness, anger, joy.
When you are anxious, thoughts come to you: " What if I don't find a job?", "What if I stay single?", "What if I fail the exam?"You worry about the future and what could go wrong. Physically, you may feel an increased heart rate, muscle tension, and clenching of your jaw.
When you are sad, you have negative thoughts about the past. You feel tired and heavy, may cry, and have difficulty concentrating.
Anger is expressed through thoughts focused on how someone has violated your values. Physical symptoms are similar to those of anxiety: rapid heartbeat, a feeling of tightness in the chest.
When you are happy, your thoughts are focused on your achievements. For example, you got the job you wanted, bought an apartment, or received a compliment. Physically you feel lightness and calmness, smile and laugh.
2. Determine the message of your emotions
Ask yourself a question to understand why you have this or that emotion:
Anxiety: What am I afraid of?
Sadness: What have I lost?
Anger: What values of mine were hurt by another person?
Happiness: What did I gain?
Managing Emotions
Once you have identified the emotion and its message, you need to take action. Ask yourself if there is anything that can solve the situation. If possible, do it.
For example, if you are sad and cannot find a job, you can turn to friends and acquaintances for help.
If you can't do anything, think about how you can cope with the emotion. Try meditation, talk to a friend, write down your thoughts on paper, engage in physical activity, seek professional help. Choose what's right for you.
Emotional intelligence is the key to success!
Until recently, a high IQ was considered the only important indicator for assessing intelligence, and a red diploma from the institute was a ticket to the heights of a successful career. Times change. Today, thanks to IQ, you get a job, and thanks to EQ, you make a career. EQ? What is this new mysterious key to gold mines that has revolutionized the minds of scientists, careerists and HR specialists?
Tatiana Pankova
We all know well from experience that when it comes to making decisions and deciding on a course of action, feeling takes into account every little detail no less, and often more, than thinking. That is why in the late 90s. psychologists increasingly began to say that for the successful implementation of a person in life and work, the most important thing is to have the ability to effectively interact with people around him, to be able to navigate in various situations, to correctly determine the personal and emotional characteristics of others, and to find adequate ways to communicate with them.
Today, in order for you to become a complete person, you need, in addition to a high intelligence quotient (IQ), also a high emotionality index (EQ). These two indicators are inextricably linked. Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a person’s abilities that are involved in understanding and managing one’s own emotions and the emotions of others.
American scientists “invented” emotional intelligence Peter Salovey And Jack Mayer in 1990. Then together with David Caruso researchers proposed their model of emotional intelligence, a model of new abilities. Which ones? First of all, these are the abilities of perception, since emotions contain information about us, about other people and about the world around us. Emotions are a form of data, which is why it is so important to accurately determine what we experience and what people experience. Our emotions (mood) determine our thought processes. In a bad mood, we think and behave completely differently than in a good mood. Simple acts of emotional intelligence are the key to health, leadership, and also increase vision, ambition, self-esteem and promote better mutual understanding.
American psychologist Daniel Goleman developed the ideas of his predecessors and proposed a model of emotional intelligence, which is based on five key competencies. It is not necessary that all five points be explicitly expressed; it will be enough if emotional knowledge of oneself and correct self-esteem turn out to be so.
1. Knowing yourself
The more we learn about ourselves, the better we can control ourselves and choose the course of behavior necessary in a given situation. It aims to make us committed to change. Without self-knowledge, our emotions could direct us to do what we do not want, turning us into completely different people than we would like to be.
How to develop?
Understand the difference between “I think” and “I feel.” Ask yourself how you feel throughout the day, but be honest. If your heart races or you feel out of breath, this is a common subconscious reaction. Ask the question: “How does it make her feel?” Name this feeling - fear, excitement, calm, etc. Talk about your feelings more often with friends and family. Over time, you will become more accurate in determining which feeling/emotion is possessing you at this particular moment.
2. Self-control
While we listen to and explore our inner feelings, taking steps towards self-knowledge, self-control regulates and coordinates these very feelings to produce a positive rather than a negative result. Self-control gives the rational side time to regulate feelings when necessary. It also helps us act thoughtfully and responsibly in doing what we say we will do.
How to develop?
Watch what you say to yourself mentally. Accept the fact that you are human and can experience any emotion. Be prepared for emotional outbursts caused by repeated situations and learn to manage them. Let an unpleasant and annoying situation become an exercise in problem solving. When you encounter something that requires an unwanted emotional response, control your anger by focusing on the behavior. Change the situation so that the problem becomes the behavior, not the person at whom your anger is directed. Use humor to see new facets of the situation.
3. Self-motivation
Self-motivation is the directing of the power of our emotions towards something that can inspire us to do various things. It allows you to clearly see your goals and the steps needed to achieve them.
How to develop?
Realize that you can control and choose what you feel or think. Try harder and visualize your desired future as often as possible. Communicate with people who share your values and principles and are pursuing their dreams. Keep learning, because the pursuit of knowledge will strengthen your character strengths and provide necessary information that can be useful to you now or in the future.
4. Empathy
Emotional intelligence helps you treat others with dignity, compassion and empathy. It’s good when a person knows how to separate other people’s emotions from his own. Empathy begins with the ability to listen, which means connecting with a person. People who lack empathy focus more on their own needs and pay little attention to the problems of others.
How to develop?
Try to listen more to your interlocutor and “feel” into his experiences. Research shows that in communication the interlocutor perceives only about 7% of words, intonation accounts for 38%, and 55% comes from facial expressions, gestures and eye contact. What you say out loud and what you convey to others without words should not be different from each other. This serves as proof of your honesty and builds trust. Try to see the situation from the other person's point of view to better understand him.
5. Effective relationships
This competency concerns making successful connections and the ability to manage the emotions of others. If a person has a variety of social communication skills, then he has better opportunities to establish cooperation.
How to develop?
Talk to your friends and colleagues about your ideas and interests because it's damn contagious! Engage in creative exchanges to build trust and create an atmosphere of collaboration. Be willing to pass on experience and knowledge to others or become a mentor, and be open to others' knowledge and experience. This is very important, especially in a work team. By sharing your own experiences and knowledge with others, you show that you are open to others' ideas and thoughts and that you do not consider yourself a know-it-all.
In this way, emotional intelligence expands our understanding of what it means to be smart. Often people with high IQ but low EQ do not fully utilize their potential and lose their chances of success because they think, interact and communicate unconstructively. The ability to create a certain atmosphere of communication is one of the most important skills that determine communicative competence. Skillful management of emotions makes it easier to cope with difficult life situations. Emotional intelligence helps maintain self-confidence and determination in achieving goals, and adapt to change.
