Psychological help online. Neurosis or love

I suggest you go through a simple one psychological test to determine who you really are love and you too Love or you don't love so much as emotionally dependent from a specific person?

First Test:

In any normal relationships by definition Necessarily must be present two components:

1) Reciprocity feelings. Not only do you love, but you also receive love. (specify from zero to 5 points. Zero is if you have feelings, but there are none on the other side. 5 points is complete reciprocity and very deep empathy for each other)

2) Self-control(that is, you do not lose control of yourself, do not “lose your head” in this relationship). Are you in control of your feelings now? Or are your feelings controlling you? (Define from zero to 5 points. Zero is a state of emotional storm, emotional instability, if you very often have poor self-control, 1 point - if you are emotionally unstable, 2 points - if this happens rarely.. 5 points - almost complete self-control)

If you scored 0-2 points in total, then most likely you have emotional dependence (at least this relationship is now at the point of deep crisis). 3 points - you need to seriously work on the quality of your relationship. 4-5 points - I congratulate you, if you answered these questions honestly, then everything is fine with you and this is true love.

Love is a wonderful and bright feeling, love always gives happiness. Love addiction gives a person suffering, mental anguish, and negative experiences. Thousands of people around the world mistake their love addiction for love. A huge number of films and popular songs are written erroneously not about love, but precisely about additive states. For example, the famous song of the Nazareth group, “ Love hurts“It’s not about any kind of love, it’s about love addiction, because true love cannot bring mental anguish, but love addiction (multiplied by the psychological illiteracy of two people) - yes, and what else!

The second test to determine love addiction

(just mark with a plus, “Yes, this is about me” or a minus, “No, this is uncharacteristic of me”):

1) You can't NOT think about this person constantly, he won’t get out of your head.

2) Yours self-esteem directly depends from this person (he called you or sent a message, drew attention to you - you almost have an attack of euphoria; if you do not receive any signs of attention from this person, then this plunges you into the abyss of despondency, almost depression, your self-esteem immediately flies away negative, you feel bad and depressed).

3) Your thoughts and feelings about this person are obsessive, they are repeated all the time, as if in a circle.

4) You are trying to control the actions of this person, even monitor her/him. Control and surveillance can take place both through constant questioning and through the telephone, relatives, and mutual friends. Alternatively, you keep coming back to trying to track this person's activities online.

5) You constantly write SMS and letters to this person or constantly call, while you yourself rationally understand that such a barrage of letters, SMS, messages on Viber or social networks is something wrong. But despite all the awareness of the wrongness of your actions, you cannot help yourself and continue to impose yourself and manically bombard the object of your love with messages and calls.

6) From time to time you realize that this “relationship” is deeply wrong and that you seem to be unhealthy (or the very nature of this “relationship” is unhealthy and fundamentally wrong). But understanding this with your head, you cannot do anything with your emotions. You often fall into a “needy position” and seem to be begging the object of your love to turn his favorable attention to you.

7) Your attitude towards this person varies and can be very unstable, as opposed to pure and deep love. With love dependence (addiction), maximum changes in attitude towards this person are possible - from adoration to almost hatred, which after a day or two can again be replaced by adoration and fantasies about possible joint happiness.

8) You are absolutely sincerely convinced that you really love this person and are not ready to admit that you have developed a love neurosis.

Let's summarize the results of the second test. If you answered most of the questions: “Yes, it’s about me,” then you don’t have love, you have formed love addiction. It is possible that you once had love, but now it has developed in a completely wrong direction and has taken on the character of an uncontrollable addiction, that is, almost a disease.

Love addiction, we psychologists also call love addiction or drug addict love. I have already written about love addiction, for example, in the article. Difference between love And love addiction same as between health (normal) And illness. That is, one state can transform into another. Yes, what you just read about yourself in the test above will most likely seem very emotionally painful and unpleasant to you, but we need to learn to honestly face the truth - after all, the bitter truth is better than a sweet lie.

Unfortunately, love also has its diseases and one of them is love addiction. It is an abnormal and unhealthy condition of a person who may otherwise be perfectly healthy and normal. You need to understand and accept this thesis, although at first it is not easy, love addiction is a disease. And it’s more correct to talk about this person and About myself Not "I love (this person)", A “I’m sick now, I’m sick of this person”.

I understand how difficult this is for you right now, but it's true. Most likely, you yourself have long suspected that something is very wrong with this “love” of yours. And most likely, the suffering, mental anguish and torment that this love addiction brings into your life are already boring you to the extreme.

Let's talk now about how exactly YOU personally you can get rid of this scourge. So, what are the ways to get out of love addiction on your own?

4 ways to get out of love addiction on your own:

1) First of all, of course, it helps a lot. I highly recommend that you take time off for at least a couple of weeks or a month and go somewhere far, far away, preferably to another country, so that the nature, the climate, and the way you spend your time are completely different from your reality here and now. Completely immerse yourself in the life and culture of this new country, go on a hike in the Middle Urals or go rafting in a team along the mountain rivers of Asia. It’s very important - don’t be alone, find yourself a team of like-minded people and completely turn off all information channels so that you don’t know anything about the object of your love addiction.

3) Team sports or any team activity. It is very important not to experience the state of love addiction alone, but to find some kind of team sport in your city (volleyball, aquatic species sports, etc.) or team activities (for example, volunteering) and begin to actively interact with other people in these activities.

4) Doing what you love. Be sure to find something you love that you will simply be passionate about! It could be some kind of hobby that you were once passionate about, and then abandoned, it could be some creative project at your job or outside of it, it can be pure creativity, it doesn’t matter what it is - the main thing is to do this Business with capital letters and grow as a person. One day there will definitely come a time when your personality will grow so much that it will simply outgrow all these current problems and you will remember your love addiction years later with a slight smile: “Lord, I had to kill myself like that!?”

When you are truly engaged in important and useful work, you grow out of love addiction automatically. All this actually works, but this independent way out of love addiction has only one flaw - it’s very long haul.

That is, it can take from several months to a year. Or even turn into a path in a few years. Therefore, if you want to get rid of your love addiction as quickly as possible and do it not in a year, but in the foreseeable future, within the next month or two, then there is a second way - working with a love addiction treatment specialist. An ordinary psychologist in the case of treating love addiction will most likely not help you; most of them do not have sufficient psychological baggage to successfully solve this problem (to be even more specific - experience they lack precisely this profile), so it is best to immediately contact a psychologist whose main profile and main specialization is precisely the removal of love addiction.

How can I help you?

I have been working in this field for many years, I have gained practical experience in effectively and successfully eliminating love addiction (both men and women of all ages). I have created my own method for removing a person from a state of love addiction; on average, it takes one month of joint work (joint psychological work is also possible at a distance, for example, on Skype).

What is needed for this?

Send me your Skype and let's talk, conduct a preliminary consultation, I will listen to your story and answer all your questions. If you doubt the effectiveness of remote work via Skype, then I guarantee you that the effectiveness does not depend on it in any way, which I was convinced of many times when I tested the effectiveness of my method not only in working “live”, but also at a distance, working with people from Russia, Europe and many other parts of the world. My method for getting out of love addiction has very good results, as a specialist I am aimed at one result - so that you finally get rid of the love addiction that torments you, so that the already forgotten sense of self-respect, calm dignity and a free, joyful attitude towards life returns to you. I have many years of practice behind me in pulling people out of love addiction, this is a very large practical experience. I am sure that I can help you personally get out of your love addiction, because this is my main specialization. Therefore, I advise you not to procrastinate, but write to me right now with your contact details (to the address: [email protected]), send your Skype and let's begin joint psychological work to get out of this difficult state. In fact, I will take you by the hand and lead you out of your love addiction myself.

My tel. (+372)58173650 (call only on weekdays, from 10 to 19)

Skype: ilja.vasiljev (city must be specified - Tallinn)

See you at the consultation!

NEUROTIC NEED FOR LOVE AND ATTACHMENT

The desire for love and affection is found so frequently in neuroses and is so easily recognized by an experienced observer that it can be considered one of the most reliable indicators of the existence of anxiety and its approximate strength. Indeed, if a person feels that he is fundamentally helpless in this threatening and hostile world, then the search for love will seem to be the most logical and direct way to obtain any type of affection, help or understanding.

If the state of mind of a neurotic person were such as it often seems to him, it would not be difficult for him to achieve love. If we try to express in words what he often only vaguely senses, his drives will be approximately as follows: he wants very little - kindness, understanding, help, advice from the people around him. He wants them to know that he strives to please them and is afraid of offending anyone. Only such thoughts and feelings are present in his consciousness. He does not realize how much his painful sensitivity, his hidden hostility, his captious demands interfere with his own relationships. He is also incapable of making sound judgments about the impression he makes on others or their reactions to him. Consequently, he is unable to understand why his attempts to establish friendships, marriage, love, professional relationships so often bring dissatisfaction. He is inclined to conclude that others are to blame, that they are inconsiderate, treacherous, capable of insult, or that due to some unfortunate cause he lacks the gift of being understood by people. So he continues to chase the ghost of love.

If the reader remembers our description of how anxiety arises from the repression of hostility and how it in turn again gives rise to hostility, in other words, how anxiety and hostility are inextricably intertwined, he will be able to recognize the self-deception in the thoughts of the neurotic and the reasons for his failures. Without knowing this, the neurotic finds himself in a dilemma: he is incapable of love, but nevertheless he urgently needs love from others...

It is important to take into account the attitude from which attachment stems: whether it is an expression of a fundamentally positive attitude towards others or is based, for example, on the fear of losing another or on the desire to subject another person to one's influence. In other words, we cannot accept any of the external manifestations of affection as a criterion. - it is very difficult to say, but what is not love or what elements are alien to it is quite easy to determine.

You can love a person very deeply and at the same time sometimes be angry with him, deny him something, or feel the desire to be alone. But there is a difference between these varying reactions of anger or withdrawal and the attitude of a neurotic who is always on guard against other people, believing that any interest they show in third parties means disdain for him. A neurotic interprets any demand as betrayal, and any criticism as humiliation. This is not love. Therefore, one should not think that love is incompatible with business criticism of certain qualities or relationships, which implies assistance in correcting them. But love cannot be attributed, as a neurotic often does, to an unbearable demand for perfection, a demand that carries within itself hostility: “Woe to you if you are not perfect!”

We also consider it incompatible with our concept of love, for example, to use another person only as a means to some end, that is, as a means of satisfying certain needs. This situation clearly occurs when the other person is needed only for sexual gratification or for prestige in marriage. This issue is very easy to confuse, especially if the needs involved are psychological character. A person can deceive himself into believing that he loves someone, but this is just gratitude for admiring him. Then the second person may well turn out to be a victim of self-deception of the first, for example, to be rejected by him as soon as he begins to show criticism, thus not fulfilling his function of admiration for which he was loved.

However, when discussing the profound differences between true and pseudo-love, we must be careful not to go to the other extreme. Although love is incompatible with using a loved one for some satisfaction, this does not mean that it must be entirely altruistic and sacrificial. This also does not mean that a feeling that does not demand anything for itself deserves the name “love.” People who express such thoughts are more likely to betray their own reluctance to show love than their deep conviction. Of course, there are things we expect from our loved one. For example, we want satisfaction, friendliness, help; we may even want to sacrifice if necessary. And in general, the ability to express such desires or even fight for them indicates mental health. The difference between love and the neurotic need for love is that the main thing in love is the feeling of attachment itself, while for a neurotic the primary feeling is the need to gain confidence and tranquility, and the illusion of love is only secondary.

Of course, there are all sorts of intermediate states. If a person needs the love and affection of another for the sake of relief from anxiety, the matter will be completely obscured in his consciousness, because in general he is not aware that he is full of anxiety and therefore desperately seeks any kind of affection for the purpose of reassurance. He only feels that in front of him is the person he likes, or whom he trusts, or for whom he feels blind passion. But what seems to him to be spontaneous love may in fact be nothing more than a reaction of gratitude for some kindness shown towards him, a reciprocal feeling of hope or affection caused by some person or situation. The person who openly or latently arouses in him expectations of this type will automatically become endowed with importance, and his feeling will manifest itself in the illusion of love. Such expectations may be aroused by something as simple as the kindness of an influential or powerful person, or they may be aroused by a person who simply appears to be more on his feet. Such feelings may be aroused by erotic or sexual success, although not always associated with love. They may be “fed” by some existing ties that implicitly contain a promise of help or emotional support: family, friends, doctor. Often such relationships are carried out under the guise of love, that is, with a person’s subjective conviction of his devotion, while in reality this love is only clinging to other people to satisfy his own needs.

The fact that this is not a sincere feeling of true love is revealed in the readiness of its sudden change, which occurs when some expectations are not met. One of the factors essential to our understanding of love—reliability and fidelity of feeling—is absent in these cases. The above already implies the last sign of the inability to love, which I want to especially emphasize: ignoring the personality of the other, his characteristics, shortcomings, needs, desires, development. This ignoring is partly the result of anxiety, which encourages the neurotic to cling to the other person. A drowning person, trying to save himself, grabs onto someone nearby, without taking into account the latter’s desire or ability to save him. This disregard is partly an expression of his deep-seated hostility towards people, the most common manifestation of which is contempt and envy. They may hide behind desperate efforts to be attentive or even self-sacrifice, but usually these efforts cannot prevent some unusual reactions from occurring. For example, a wife may be subjectively convinced of her deep devotion to her husband and at the same time hate him for being too busy with his work or often meeting with friends. An overprotective mother may be convinced that she is doing everything for the sake of her child's happiness, and at the same time completely ignore the child's need for independent development.

A neurotic whose defense is the desire for love is unlikely to ever realize his inability to love. Most such people mistake their need for other people for a predisposition to love either individual people or all of humanity as a whole. There is compelling reason to maintain and defend such an illusion. To give it up would be to discover the dilemma created by having a feeling of deep hostility towards people and at the same time wanting their love. You cannot despise a person, distrust him, want to destroy his happiness or independence and at the same time crave his love, help and support. To achieve both of these, in reality incompatible, goals, it is necessary to keep the hostile predisposition strictly repressed from consciousness. In other words, the illusion of love, although it is the result of an understandable mixture of sincere tenderness and neurotic need, serves a very specific function - to make possible the search for love, affection and affection.

There is another fundamental difficulty that the neurotic faces in satisfying his thirst for love. Although he may be successful, at least temporarily, in receiving the love he longed for, he is unable to actually accept it. One would expect that he would accept any love offered to him with the same ardent desire with which a thirsty person approaches water. This does indeed happen, but only temporarily. Every doctor knows the beneficial effects of kindness and caring. All physical and psychological difficulties may suddenly disappear, even if nothing else has been done other than careful hospital examination and care of the patient. Situational neurosis, even if it is severe, can completely disappear when a person feels that he is loved. Even with character neuroses, such attention, be it love, interest or medical help, may be sufficient to ease anxiety and consequently improve the condition. Any kind of affection or love may give a neurotic an outward calm or even a feeling of happiness, but deep down it is either perceived with mistrust or arouses suspicion and fear. He doesn't believe in this feeling because he firmly believes that no one can really love him. And this feeling of not being loved is often a conscious belief that cannot be shaken by any real experience that contradicts it. Indeed, it can be taken for granted so literally that it never bothers a person on a conscious level. But even when the feeling is not expressed, it is as unshakable a conviction as if it had always been conscious. It can also be hidden behind a mask of indifference, which is usually dictated by pride, and then it is quite difficult to detect. The belief that you are not loved is very similar to the inability to love. In fact, it is a conscious reflection of this inability.

A person who truly loves others cannot have any doubt that other people can love him. If anxiety is deep-seated, any love offered will be met with distrust and the thought will immediately arise that it is offered with ulterior motives. In psychoanalysis, for example, such patients believe that the analyst wants to help them only to satisfy his own ambitions or that he expresses his recognition or makes encouraging remarks only for therapeutic purposes. One of my patients considered it a direct insult when I asked her to meet over the weekend, since at that time she was in a bad emotional state.

Love shown demonstratively is easily perceived as ridicule. If an attractive girl openly expresses love for a neurotic, the latter may perceive this as ridicule or even as a deliberate provocation, since he does not believe that this girl might really love him. Love offered to such a person may not only be met with mistrust, but also cause a certain amount of anxiety. As if giving in to love meant being caught in a web, or as if believing in love meant forgetting the danger of living among cannibals. A neurotic person may feel a sense of dread as he approaches the realization that genuine love is being offered to him. Finally, showing love can trigger fears of dependency. Emotional dependence, as we will soon see, is a real danger for anyone who cannot live without the love of others, and anything vaguely resembling it can excite a desperate struggle against it. Such a person must avoid at all costs any kind of positive emotional response of his own, because such a response immediately creates the danger of reciprocity. To avoid this, he must keep himself from realizing that others are kind or helpful, somehow manage to discard all evidence of affection, and continue to persist in the idea that other people are unfriendly, uninterested in him, and even evil. The situation thus generated is similar to that of a person who is starving but does not dare to eat a single morsel for fear of being poisoned.

In short, for a person who is consumed by deep-seated anxiety and therefore seeks love and affection as a means of defense, the chances of obtaining this much-desired love and affection are extremely unfavorable. The very situation that gives rise to this need prevents its satisfaction.

ADDITIONAL CHARACTERISTICS OF NEUROTIC NEED FOR LOVE

Most of us would like to be loved. We gratefully accept the feeling of love and feel sad when it does not happen. For a child, the feeling of being wanted, as we said earlier, is vital. important for harmonious development. But what are the characteristics of such a need for love, which can be considered neurotic? In my opinion, the arbitrary labeling of this need as infantile is not only unfair to children, but it overlooks the fact that the essential factors constituting the neurotic need for love have nothing to do with infantilism. Infantile and neurotic needs have only one common element - their helplessness, although it also has different reasons in these two cases.

In addition, neurotic needs are formed under completely different prerequisites. Let us repeat, this is anxiety, the feeling that no one loves you, the inability to believe in someone's love and affection, and a hostile attitude towards all people. First distinctive feature What strikes us in the neurotic need for love is its obsessive nature. Whenever a person is driven by severe anxiety, the inevitable result is a loss of spontaneity and flexibility. Simply put, this means that for a neurotic, receiving love is not a luxury, not primarily a source of additional strength or pleasure, but a vital necessity. The difference here is the same as the difference between “I want to be loved and enjoy being loved” and “I need to be loved no matter what the cost.”

Figuratively speaking, the difference is between someone who is able to be a picky eater and enjoys pleasure through a good appetite, and a starving person who must accept any food indiscriminately because he cannot indulge his whims. This attitude invariably leads to an overestimation of the actual meaning of being loved. In fact, it is not so important that all people love us. In fact, it may be important to be loved by certain people—those we care about, those we have to live and work with, or those we want to impress. good impression. Apart from these people, it hardly matters whether others love us or not. However, neurotics feel and behave as if their very existence and safety depended on the love of other people for them. Their desires can apply to everyone indiscriminately, from a hairdresser or a stranger they meet at a party, to colleagues and friends, or to all women, or to all men. So a greeting, a phone call or an invitation, depending on the more or less friendly tone, can change their mood and outlook on life. One problem I must mention in this regard is the inability to be alone - ranging from mild restlessness and anxiety to a pronounced horror of loneliness.

I'm not talking about those hopelessly dull and boring people who cannot stand being alone with themselves, but about people with a lively mind, capable of invention, who, unlike those mentioned above, are able to find a lot of exciting things to do when alone. For example, there are often people who can only work in the presence of others, but when alone they experience anxiety and even feel unhappy and unable to work. Other factors may also determine their need for company, but the big picture is the presence of vague anxiety, a need for love or, more precisely, a need for some human contact. These people experience a feeling of abandonment, and any human contact is a relief for them. Sometimes you can observe that the inability to be alone goes in parallel with an increase in anxiety. Some patients may be alone as long as they feel sheltered behind the walls of protection with which they have surrounded themselves. But as soon as their defense mechanisms are effectively exposed through analysis and some anxiety is aroused, they suddenly find themselves unable to tolerate loneliness any longer. This is one of the temporary deteriorations in the patient's condition that are inevitable during the analysis process.

The neurotic need for love and affection can be focused on one person - husband, wife, doctor, friend. If this is the case, then the affection, interest, friendship and presence of the person in question assumes enormous significance. However, the neurotic has a paradoxical character. On the one hand, he tries to attract the interest of such a person, to get him, is afraid of losing his love and feels rejected if he is not around; and on the other hand, he does not experience happiness at all when he is with his “idol”. If he ever becomes aware of such a contradiction, he is usually perplexed. But based on what I said earlier, it is obvious that the desire for the presence of such a person is not an expression of a sincere feeling of love, tenderness, but only a need to find peace and confidence, reinforced by the fact that this person is nearby. (Of course, sincere tenderness and the need for comforting love can go together, but they are not necessarily the same.)

The scope of the passionate search for love and affection may be limited to certain groups of people, perhaps to one group with which there is a common interest, such as a political or religious group, or it may be limited to one of the sexes. If the need for self-confidence and peace of mind is limited to the opposite sex, such a person's condition may, upon superficial examination, appear to be "normal" and will usually be defended by such a person as "normal". For example, there are women who feel unhappy and full of anxiety if there is no man next to them; they will have an affair, soon break it off, feel unhappy and anxious again, start another affair, and so on. The fact that this is not a genuine desire for connection with men is evident from the fact that these connections are conflictual and do not bring satisfaction. Usually these women stop at the first man they come across; for them, his very presence is important, and not a love affair. As a rule, they do not even receive physical satisfaction. In reality, of course, this picture is more complex. I highlight here only the role played by anxiety and the need for love.

A similar phenomenon occurs in some men. They may have an obsessive desire to be loved by all women and will feel awkward and anxious in the company of men. If the need for love is focused on members of the same sex, it can serve as one of the determining factors in hidden or overt homosexuality. Such a need for love from people of the same sex may be due to the fact that the path to the other sex is complicated by too much anxiety, which may not manifest itself clearly, but hide behind a feeling of disgust or lack of interest in the opposite sex.

Since the love of another person is a vital factor, it follows that the neurotic will pay any price for it, mostly without realizing it. The most common price for love is a position of submission and emotional dependence. Submissiveness may be expressed in the fact that the neurotic will not dare to disagree with the views and actions of another person or criticize him, showing only complete devotion, admiration and obedience. When these types of people do make critical or disparaging remarks, they feel anxious, even if their remarks are harmless. Submission can go so far that the neurotic will repress not only aggressive impulses, but also all tendencies towards self-affirmation, will allow himself to be mocked and make any sacrifice, no matter how harmful it may be. For example, his self-denial may manifest itself in the desire to get diabetes because the person whose love he craves is busy with research in this area. Thus, having this disease, he could perhaps gain the interest of this person.

Related to this position of submission and inextricably intertwined with it is the emotional dependence that arises as a result of a person’s neurotic need to cling to someone who gives hope for protection. Such dependence can not only cause endless suffering, but can even be extremely harmful. For example, there are relationships in which a person becomes helplessly dependent on another, despite the fact that he is fully aware that this relationship is untenable. He feels as if the whole world will fall apart if he doesn't get kind words or smiles. He may feel anxious while waiting for a phone call or feel abandoned if the person he needs so much cannot see him. But he is not able to break this dependence.

Usually the structure of emotional dependence is more complex. In a relationship in which one person becomes dependent on the other, there is bound to be a strong sense of resentment. The dependent person resents his enslavement; he resents being forced to obey, but continues to do so out of fear of losing the other. Not knowing that this situation generated by his own anxiety, he easily comes to the conclusion that his subordination was imposed on him by another person. He has to repress the resentment that grows on this basis, because he desperately needs the love of another person, and this repression in turn gives rise to new anxiety, with a corresponding need to restore calm, and consequently increases the desire to cling to the other person. Thus, for certain people suffering from neurosis, emotional dependence causes a very real and even justified fear that their life is falling apart. When the fear is too strong, they may try to protect themselves from such dependence by not allowing themselves to feel attachment to anyone.

Sometimes this position of dependence can undergo changes in the same person. Having gone through one or more painful experiences of this type, he may fight desperately against anything that bears even a remote resemblance to addiction. For example, a girl who has gone through several love stories, each of which ended in her complete dependence on the next partner, developed an independent attitude towards all men, striving only to maintain her power over them, without experiencing any feelings...

Second characteristic feature The neurotic need for love, also completely different from the child's need, is its insatiability. Of course, a child can be capricious, demand excessive attention and endless proofs of love, but in this case he will be a neurotic child. Healthy child, raised in a warm and secure atmosphere, feels confident that he is desirable, does not require constant proof of this, and is satisfied when he receives the help he needs at the time. Neurotic insatiability can manifest itself in greed as general feature character, manifested in food, shopping, impatience. Most of the time, greed can be repressed, erupting suddenly, for example, when a modest person in a state of anxiety buys four new coats. In a milder form, it can manifest itself in the desire to live at someone else's expense or in a more aggressive form of behavior of an octopus person. Greed, with all its variations and the internal prohibitions associated with it, is called the “oral” type of relationship and as such has been described in detail in the psychoanalytic literature. It is based on the reliable observation that greed often finds its expression in the need for food and in the manner of eating, as well as in dreams, which may reveal these same tendencies in a more primitive way, as, for example, in dreams with motives of cannibalism. However, these phenomena do not prove that we have to deal here with desires that are oral in origin and in essence. Therefore, it seems more logical to assume that food is, as a rule, just the most accessible way to satisfy the feeling of greed, whatever its source, just as in dreams food is the most concrete and primitive symbol for the expression of insatiable desires. There is no doubt that greed can manifest itself in the sexual sphere in actual sexual insatiability, as well as in dreams where sexual intercourse is identified with swallowing and biting. But it also manifests itself in the accumulation of money, the acquisition of clothes, the pursuit of ambitious or prestigious goals...

The problem of greed is complex and still unsolved. As a compulsion, it is definitely caused by anxiety. That greed is caused by anxiety may be quite obvious, as it often is, for example, with excessive masturbation or excessive eating. The connection between the two can also be shown by the fact that greed can decrease or disappear once a person finds some confidence and peace: by feeling self-love, by winning success, by accomplishing creative work. For example, feeling loved can suddenly reduce the strength of your compulsive shopping urge. The girl, who constantly felt hungry, completely forgot about it as soon as she started working as a designer, receiving great pleasure from this work. On the other hand, greed may arise or increase as soon as hostility or anxiety increases; a person may feel an overwhelming need to make certain purchases before a performance about which he is very nervous, or, feeling rejected, he will greedily begin to eat.

There are many people who experience anxiety who have not developed greed. This fact indicates the additional presence of some special conditions here. All that can be said with any certainty about these conditions is that greedy people do not believe in their ability to create and are therefore forced to rely on the external world to fulfill their needs; however, they believe that no one wants to give or provide anything to them.

Those neurotics who are insatiable in their need for love usually show the same greed for material goods, when it comes to sacrificing their time or money for them, or when it comes to receiving useful advice in specific situations, actually helping them in difficulties, their receipt of gifts, information, and sexual satisfaction. In some cases, these desires definitely reveal the need for proof of love; however, in other cases this explanation is not convincing. In these latter cases, one gets the impression that the neurotic in question simply wants to get something - love or something else - and that the desire for love, if any, only masks the extortion of certain tangible goods or benefits ...

The desire for possession, as we will see later, is one of the fundamental forms of defense against anxiety. But experience also shows that in certain cases the need for love, although it is the predominant method of defense, can be repressed so deeply that it does not appear on the surface. Greed for material things can then take its place for a long time or temporarily.

In connection with the question of the role of love and affection, three types of neurotics can be roughly distinguished. Regarding the persons of the first group, there is no doubt that these people strive for love, in whatever form it appears and whatever methods are used to achieve it. Neurotics belonging to the second group strive for love, but if they fail in any relationship - and, as a rule, they are doomed to failure - they completely withdraw from people and do not move closer to another person. Instead of trying to establish an attachment to any person, they experience an obsessive need for things, food, shopping, reading or, generally speaking, getting something. Such a change can sometimes take grotesque forms, as in those people who, after suffering a failure in love, begin to obsessively eat food and gain weight. When a new love affair appears, they lose weight again, and another failure again ends in food abuse. Sometimes similar behavior can be observed in patients. After acute disappointment with the analyst, they begin to eat compulsively and gain so much weight that they become difficult to recognize, only to lose weight again when their relationship with the analyst improves. Such excesses in relation to food can also be repressed, and then it manifests itself in loss of appetite or functional gastric disorders of some type. In this group, personal relationships are more deeply disturbed than in the first group. Such persons still desire love and still dare to strive for it, but any disappointment can break the thread that binds them to others.

The third group of neurotics was traumatized so severely and at such an early age that their conscious attitude became one of deep disbelief in any kind of love or affection. Their anxiety is so deep that they are content with little, as long as no obvious harm is caused to them. They may acquire a cynical, mocking attitude towards love and will prefer to satisfy their real needs in material assistance, advice, and the sexual sphere. Only after they have gotten rid of most of their anxiety are they able to desire and appreciate love.

The various attitudes characteristic of these three groups can be summarized as follows: insatiability in love; the need for love, alternating with greed in general; lack of a clearly expressed need for love combined with general greed. Each group showed increases in both anxiety and hostility. Returning to the main direction of our discussion, we should now consider the question of those special forms in which insatiability in love manifests itself. The main forms of its expression are jealousy and the demand for absolute, unconditional love.

Neurotic jealousy, unlike the jealousy of a healthy person, which may be an adequate reaction to the danger of losing someone's love, is completely disproportionate to the danger. It is dictated by the constant fear of losing possession of a given person or his love: as a result, any other interest that a given person may have poses a potential danger. This type of jealousy can manifest itself in all types of human relationships: on the part of parents towards their children who seek to make friends or get married; from children to parents; between spouses; in any love relationship...

Disproportionate jealousy is often seen as the result of childhood attacks of jealousy, when there was rivalry between children in the family or special affection for one of the parents. The rivalry of children in the family in the form in which it occurs among healthy children (for example, jealousy of a newborn) disappears without leaving any scar as soon as the child feels confident that he has not lost anything from that love and attention that I had previously. According to my experience, excessive jealousy that occurred in childhood and was subsequently not overcome is due to neurotic circumstances in the child’s life, similar to the neurotic conditions in the life of adults described above. The child already had an insatiable need for love and affection, arising from deep-seated anxiety. In psychoanalytic literature, the relationship between the reactions of infantile and adult jealousy is often defined ambiguously, since adult jealousy is called a “repetition” of infantile jealousy. If this relationship implies that adult woman is jealous of her husband because she previously also felt jealous of her mother, this apparently would not be logical. The intense jealousy which we find in a child's attitude towards his parents or towards his brothers or sisters is not the original cause of jealousy in later life, but both spring from the same sources.

An expression of the insatiable need for love, perhaps even more powerful than jealousy, is the search for absolute love. The form in which this demand most often appears in consciousness is this: “I want to be loved for what I am, and not for what I do. We cannot yet see anything unusual in such a desire. Of course, the desire to be loved for our own sake is not alien to each of us. However, the neurotic desire for absolute love is much more demanding than the normal desire, and in its extreme form this desire is unrealizable. This is the demand of love, which literally does not allow any conditions or reservations. This requirement presupposes, firstly, the desire to be loved, despite any most provocative behavior. This desire is necessary as a safety measure because the neurotic deep down notes the fact that he is full of hostility and excessive demands, and as a result experiences understandable and appropriate fears that the other person may react with withdrawal, or anger, or revenge, if this hostility becomes apparent.

A patient of this type will express his opinion that it is very easy to love a pleasant, sweet person, but that love must prove its ability to tolerate any behavior of the one one loves. Any criticism is perceived as a refusal of love. In the process of analysis, resentment and resentment may arise at the suggestion that the patient may have to change something in his personality, despite the fact that this is the purpose of the analysis, because he perceives any such hint as a frustration of his need for love and affection. The neurotic demand for absolute love includes, secondly, the desire to be loved without giving anything in return. This desire is obligatory because the neurotic feels that he is unable to experience any warmth or show love, and does not want to do so. His demands include, thirdly, the desire to be loved without receiving any benefit from it. This desire is mandatory because any advantage or satisfaction received in this situation by another person immediately arouses the neurotic’s suspicion that the other person loves him only for the sake of obtaining this advantage or satisfaction. IN sexual relations people of this type will be jealous of the satisfaction that the other person receives from their relationship, because they believe that they are loved only for the sake of receiving such satisfaction...

Finally, the requirement of absolute love includes the desire to accept sacrifices as evidence of someone's love. Only if the other person sacrifices everything for the neurotic can the latter really be sure that he is loved. These sacrifices may involve money or time, but they can also involve beliefs and personal integrity. Such a requirement includes, for example, the expectation of complete self-denial from the other. There are mothers who rather naively consider it fair to expect blind devotion and all kinds of sacrifices from their children, because they “gave them birth in pain.” Other mothers repress their desire for absolute love, so they are able to give their children a lot of real help and support; but such a mother does not receive any satisfaction from her relationship with her children, because she believes, as in the examples already mentioned, that the children love her only because they receive so much from her, and thus she regrets in her soul all that she gives them.

The search for absolute love, with its ruthless and merciless disregard for all other people, shows more clearly than anything else the hostility hidden behind the neurotic demand for love. Unlike ordinary person- a “vampire” who may have a conscious intention to exploit others as much as possible, the neurotic is usually completely unaware of how demanding he is. He has to keep his demands from becoming conscious for very good tactical reasons. Apparently, no one is able to frankly say: “I want you to sacrifice yourself for me without receiving anything in return.” He is forced to look for some grounds for his demands that justify them. For example, he can pretend to be sick and on this basis demand sacrifices from everyone.

Another powerful reason for not being aware of your demands is that they are difficult to give up once they are established, and realizing that they are irrational is the first step to giving up them. They are rooted, in addition to the fundamentals already mentioned, in the deep conviction of the neurotic that he cannot live using his capabilities, that he must be provided with everything he needs, that all responsibility for his life lies with others and not with him. Therefore, abandoning his demands for absolute love presupposes a change in his entire attitude towards life. What is common to all characteristics of the neurotic need for love is that the neurotic’s own opposing aspirations block his path to the love he needs. What then are his reactions to the partial implementation of his demands or to their complete rejection?

WAYS TO ACHIEVE LOVE AND SENSITIVITY TO REJECTION

Reflecting on how urgently people suffering from neurosis need love and how difficult it is for them to accept love, one might assume that such people will feel best in a moderate emotional atmosphere. But here an additional difficulty arises: at the same time, they are painfully sensitive to any rejection or failure, no matter how minor. And the atmosphere of restraint, although in in a certain sense it is calming and is perceived by them as rejection.

It is difficult to describe the extent of their sensitivity to rejection. Changing the time of a date, having to wait, not responding immediately, disagreeing with their opinion, any failure to fulfill their wishes - in short, any misfire or failure to fulfill their demands on their terms is perceived as a sharp refusal. And refusal not only throws them back into their deep-seated anxiety, but is also perceived as humiliation. I will explain later why they perceive rejection as humiliation. And since refusal does contain a certain humiliation, it causes the greatest anger that can be manifested openly. For example, a girl, in a fit of anger, threw a cat against the wall because it did not respond to her affection.

If they are kept waiting, they interpret it to mean that they are considered so insignificant that they do not feel the need to be punctual with them; and this can cause explosions of hostile feelings or result in a complete withdrawal from all feelings, so that they become cold and indifferent, even if a few minutes ago they could have been looking forward to meeting. Most often, the connection between the feeling of being rejected and the feeling of irritation remains unconscious. This happens all the more easily because the refusal can be so insignificant that it escapes awareness. Then the person feels irritable, or becomes sarcastic or vindictive, or feels tired or depressed, or experiences a headache without having the slightest idea about its cause.

In addition, a hostile reaction may occur not only in response to rejection or what is perceived as rejection, but also in response to anticipation of rejection. A person may, for example, ask something angrily because inside he already anticipates a refusal. He may refrain from sending flowers to his girlfriend because he believes that she will see ulterior motives in such a gift. He may, for the same reason, be extremely wary of expressing any good feeling- tenderness, gratitude, appreciation - and thus seem to himself and others colder or more “callous” than he really is. Or he can mock women, thus taking revenge on them for the refusal that he only senses.

The fear of rejection, if strongly developed, can lead a person to seek to avoid situations in which he may find himself rejected. People who fear any possible rejection will refrain from making any advances to the man or woman they like until they are absolutely sure that they will not be rejected. Men of this type usually resent having to ask girls to dance, as they fear that the girl may agree only out of politeness, and believe that women are in a much more advantageous position in this regard, since they do not have to show initiative.

In other words, fear of rejection can lead to a number of strict internal prohibitions that fall under the category of “timidity.” Timidity serves as a defense against the danger of exposing oneself to the risk of rejection. This kind of defense is the belief that you are not loved. It is as if persons of this type were saying to themselves: “People don’t like me at all, so it’s better for me to stand aside and thus protect myself from any possible rejection.” Fear of rejection is thus a huge obstacle to the desire for love, because it prevents a person from making other people feel that he would like their attention.

In addition, hostility, provoked by feelings of rejection, largely contributes to a wary-anxious attitude or even increases the feeling of anxiety. It is an important factor in establishing a “vicious circle” that is difficult to avoid. This vicious circle, formed by various internal components of the neurotic need for love, can be represented in roughly schematic form as follows: anxiety; excessive need for love, including demands for exclusive and unconditional love; feeling rejected if this requirement is not met; extremely hostile reaction to rejection; the need to repress hostility due to fear of loss of love; tense state of unclear anger; increased anxiety; increased need for reassurance. Thus, the very same remedies that serve to calm anxiety, in turn, generate new hostility and new anxiety.

The formation of a vicious circle is not only typical in the context in which it is discussed here; generally speaking, it is one of the most important processes in neuroses. Any defense mechanism, in addition to its ability to calm and relieve anxiety, can also have the ability to generate new anxiety. A person may become addicted to drinking to relieve anxiety, and then develop a fear that the drinking will in turn cause them harm. Or he may masturbate to relieve his anxiety and then become afraid that masturbation will make him sick. Or he may undergo some treatment to relieve his anxiety, but then soon begin to fear that the treatment may harm him.

The formation of vicious circles is the main reason why severe neuroses progress and deepen, even if there are no changes in external conditions. The discovery of vicious circles, with all their internal links, is one of the main tasks of psychoanalysis. The neurotic himself is unable to grasp them. He notices the results of their influence only when he feels that he is in a hopeless situation. The feeling of being “trapped” is his reaction to the confusion and complexity of his situation, which he is unable to overcome. Any path that seems to be a way out of the dead end plunges him into new dangers.

The question arises of finding those paths by following which a neurotic can receive the love for which he strives. In reality, he needs to solve two problems: firstly, how to get the love he needs and, secondly, how to justify for himself and for others the demand for such love. We can generally describe the various possible ways receiving love, such as bribery, appealing for pity, calling for justice and, finally, threats. Of course, such a classification, like any similar enumeration of psychological factors, is not strictly categorical; it only indicates general trends. These various ways are not mutually exclusive. Some of them can be used simultaneously or alternately, depending on the situation, the overall character structure and the degree of hostility.

In fact, the sequence in which these four ways of receiving love, affection, affection are given indicates an increase in the degree of hostility. When a neurotic tries to get love through bribery, the formula of his behavior can be expressed as follows: “I love you more than anything in the world, so you must give up everything for the sake of my love.”

The fact that such tactics are used more often by women in our culture is a result of their living conditions. For centuries, love not only was a special sphere in the lives of women, but was the only or main means by which they could get what they wanted. While men have always been guided by the belief that in order to get something, you must achieve something in life, women realized that through love, and only through love, they could achieve happiness, security and position in society. Such a different place in the culture of society had a serious impact on the psychology of men and women. It would be out of time to discuss this influence in this context, but one of its consequences is that in neuroses women are more likely than men to use love as a behavioral strategy. And at the same time, the subjective conviction of one’s love serves as a justification for making demands.

People of this type are at particular risk of falling into a painful dependence on their love relationships. Suppose, for example, that a woman with a neurotic need for love experiences affection for a man of a similar type, who, however, withdraws as soon as she begins to show partiality towards him; the woman reacts to such rejection with intense hostility, which she represses for fear of losing him. If she tries to move away from him, he begins to win her over again. Then she not only represses her hostility, but carefully hides it behind increased devotion. She will be rejected again and will eventually respond with more love again. In this way she will gradually acquire the conviction that she is in the grip of a “great passion.”

Another form of bribery is an attempt to win love by understanding a person, helping him in his mental and professional growth, in solving difficulties, etc. This form is used equally by both men and women.

The second way to achieve love is to appeal to pity. The neurotic will expose his suffering and helplessness to others. The formula here is: “You must love me because I am suffering and helpless.” At the same time, such suffering serves to justify the right to make excessive demands... A greater or lesser amount of hostility may be mixed with the desire to arouse pity. The neurotic may simply appeal to our noble nature or extort favor through drastic means, such as putting himself in a distressing situation that forces us to help. Anyone who has encountered neurotics in social or medical work knows the important role of this strategy. There is a huge difference between a neurotic, telling the truth about his difficulties, and a neurotic who tries to excite pity through a dramatic display of his misfortunes. We can find these same tendencies in children of all ages, with the same variations: the child may either want to receive consolation in response to his complaint, or try to extort attention by unconsciously exaggerating a situation that frightens the parents, such as an inability to eat or urinate. Using the pity appeal involves believing one's inability to receive love and affection in any other way. This belief can be rationally justified by the lack of faith in love in general or take the form of the belief that in a long-term situation it is impossible to get love in any other way.

In the third way of receiving love - the call for justice - the formula of behavior can be described as: “This is what I did for you; what will you do for me? In our culture, mothers often point out that they have done so much for their children that they deserve unflagging devotion. In a romantic relationship, the fact that a person is amenable to persuasion can be used as a basis for putting forward his claims. People of this type are often overly willing to help others, secretly expecting to get everything they want, and feeling seriously disappointed if others do not show the same desire to do things for them. I do not mean here those people who consciously count on this, but those who are completely alien to any conscious expectation of a possible reward. Their obsessive generosity can perhaps be more accurately described as a magical gesture. They do for others what they themselves want to receive from others. The fact that expectations of reciprocal reward were in fact at work here is revealed by the unusually acute pain of disappointment. Sometimes they take the form of a kind of mental ledger in which excessive sums are entered for such really useless sacrifices as, for example, a sleepless night.

These people minimize or completely ignore what was done for them, thus falsifying the situation to such an extent that they feel entitled to demand special attention. This behavior leads to a boomerang effect on the neurotic himself, because he may become overly afraid of taking on obligations. Instinctively judging others by himself, he fears that he will be exploited if he accepts any favors from them. The call for justice may also be made on the basis of what the neurotic would do for others if he had the opportunity. He will emphasize how loving and self-sacrificing he would be in the other person's place, believing that his demands are justified because he does not ask from others anything more than he would give himself.

In fact, the psychology of such justification is more complex than he himself realizes. The idea that he has of his qualities is mainly an unconscious attribution to himself of the behavior that he demands from others. However, this is not an outright deception, for he does have a certain tendency towards self-sacrifice, arising from such sources as his lack of self-confidence, identifying himself with a fence dog, the urge to be as tolerant and condescending towards others as he would like others to see.

((Archpriest Sergius Nikolaev)

21.04.2016 12:34

Let's try to characterize the “love” of a neurotic based on the works of psychologist K. Horney with some explanations.

Since we are intelligent beings, we try to understand and explain everything that happens to us. Every feeling emanating from a person to us has its own basis and motive. For example, if a person is in danger, he may flee, perform unconscious actions, just to save himself. In comfortable conditions this will not happen. It’s the same with feelings - when a person is driven by need, he will act in an original and direct way. If anxiety and tension predominate in the personality, then behavior in relationships will be illogical and unbalanced, striving to gain confidence.

What are the characteristics of a neurotic’s “love”?

First of all, the neurotic strives for good attitude and help from people, but at the same time he is afraid of bringing trouble to someone. Too high demands, excessive sensitivity, painful reactions prevent a neurotic person from getting what he wants. He simply does not realize that those around him may not understand his actions and actions. It seems to him that they do not want to understand and accept him, that it is people who are to blame for this, and not his behavior. A neurotic person shows increased alertness, distrust and jealousy, but at the same time does not want to change anything in his life and reacts negatively to any demands or criticism. He expects perfection from his partner and full acceptance of his characteristics.

Sometimes a neurotic calls love the usual need for something - social status, sex, trust. Or he may confuse love with admiration or admiration for a person's characteristics. As soon as the enthusiasm subsides, the contrived love also passes.

The needs of a neurotic and true love have a number of differences. People tend to love, which means to cherish and become attached. A neurotic person, first of all, needs a feeling of balance and peace, and the feeling of love itself comes in second place. He strives to overcome anxiety and uses feelings of affection to make him feel calmer. What a neurotic calls love can only be a feeling of gratitude for the support and responsiveness shown to him. He holds on to people to satisfy needs, and not because of the depth and sincerity of feelings.

Neurotics are often incapable of true love. They do not accept a person’s characteristics and shortcomings, and do not take into account his desires and thoughts. A neurotic grasps at a person as if he were Lifebuoy, and does not worry about how this burden makes him feel. But a neurotic also cannot accept love in return, because it seems unreal to him, he is afraid, cannot trust and believe. It is extremely difficult for him to realize that he can be truly loved, so he constantly wants external manifestations of feelings for him.

Characteristic features of “love” of a neurotic.

Obsessiveness.

For each of us there are those special people whose love is very important. It is important for a neurotic to be loved by everyone, everyone he meets along the way. Therefore, neurotics are characterized by irritation and outbursts of negative reactions to various phrases or tones that seem unpleasant to them. It is usually difficult for a neurotic to be alone, he is afraid of loneliness and the feeling of uselessness, so he looks for contacts. He is ready to give everything for love and affection, which leads to emotional dependence and submission. Dependence makes a neurotic person feel that without a loved one and his support it is impossible to live, everything will collapse. And humility gives rise to fear in him - he is afraid to say something offensive or inappropriate, so that the object of his adoration does not become angry. But at some point the neurotic may explode, and all the suppressed irritation will find a way out. Love for him is often disappointment and pain, so after unsuccessful attempts, he no longer tries to build full-fledged relationships.

Gluttony.

The neurotic does not find saturation in feelings; he constantly craves more. A characteristic feature of his behavior is greed, which can manifest itself in food, things, shopping, sex. If a person feels that he is loved in return, he finds harmony and the feeling of greed goes away. If a neurotic cannot overcome the feeling of insatiability, then he will constantly demand material and physical evidence of love for him. In such a situation, it may seem that the neurotic is using a person to satisfy his desires and love is just a way to achieve this.

Neurotics may have different attitudes towards love.

Some truly believe and try to achieve this feeling by any means. The second - once having experienced the pain of unsuccessful love, they try not to build relationships anymore, moving away from people and connections. Such people can switch their needs to something else - work, hobbies, things. Still others - love has hurt them so much that they are no longer capable of looking for a new one, they do not believe in the sincerity of feelings and are afraid that they may be hurt again.

So, the main features of the “love” of a neurotic:

• demands to be accepted and loved for who he is, does not digest criticism addressed to him;
• craves to be loved without demanding anything in return, otherwise the neurotic will doubt love and suspect that the person is pursuing some kind of benefit;
• shows insatiability, greed, jealousy.

But here’s what’s typical: love experiences play such a significant role in the lives of the heroes of television series and films that when you compare yourself with them, you feel some awkwardness. In fact, are people normal who don’t spend days and days thinking about their prospects? love relationship, or, at worst, not admiring their list of love victories in the evenings? Or maybe such hypertrophied attention to love is abnormal? Then why is everyone around trying to imitate him?

One of the books I recently read, written by psychologist Karen Horney, helped me figure this out. who lived in the first half of the last century.

Dr. Horney, a female psychoanalyst, does not define love like gum inserts did. She decided to push away from the opposite. Using a similar method used by mystics. “God is not a pipe,” they said, trying to outline the limits of the divine.

So does Horney: she talks about the feeling of love, using negative concepts. The most general description her love sounds like this: “Love is not what neurotics take it for.” And the doctor knew a lot about neurotics. No wonder she wrote the book “The Neurotic Personality of Our Time.” Reading this work, you find all the symptoms described there, like a first-year medical student, in yourself. But perhaps this is precisely where the author’s insight lies.

Fear and Loathing in the Psychotherapist's Office

Let's start with what a neurotic is. Without going into details, let's say that this is a person with a strong level of anxiety. Hence all their troubles.

According to Horney, anxiety is a derivative of hostility. Here, for example, is the following situation. A neurotic, let's call him Kuznetsov, finds himself in a situation where he is required to show initiative. For example, you need to compete with someone. Kuznetsov says to himself: “I am a simple, unambitious guy, I don’t need all these achievements, because this is vanity and languor of spirit. May mine win old friend Lumberjacks." The neurotic Kuznetsov thinks that he is very generous and sincerely loves Drovosekov, but in reality he simply represses his hostility towards his old friend into the depths of the unconscious.

But it doesn’t go away, this hostility, and it later manifests itself in various bizarre forms. For example, Kuznetsov thinks that it is not he who can’t stand the Lumberjacks, but the other way around: his Lumberjacks. Be that as it may, anxiety appears and interferes with life. By the way, anxiety is not always recognized by the neurotic himself - it often appears under the guise of depression, alcoholism, and sexual disorders.

SOS! Love is like a lifeline

But you have to somehow escape from anxiety - this monster chasing on your heels! The neurotic begins to rush to others for support and help. Thus, love for a neurotic becomes a kind of drug. Because of his lack of self-confidence, he (she) rushes into the arms of anyone who pays attention to him.

An important characteristic of neurotic love will be its insatiability. The neurotic needs to be loved by everyone indiscriminately. And if someone suddenly doesn’t like him, he experiences it as a grave tragedy and failure. For the same reason, there is a demand for absolute, unconditional love and, as a result, extreme jealousy for any reason.

The need for love in a neurotic is obsessive. He needs it like air or water. Without her, it seems to him, he will not survive this scary world. “I need to be loved, no matter what the cost!”

Alone, a neurotic feels terribly uncomfortable; it is vital for him that there is always someone nearby. Let's remember the cult series "Sex in big city": his main characters are constantly in search of new partners, because without them life seems meaningless and empty. “Much of what appears as sexuality,” the psychoanalyst notes, “in reality has very little in common with it, but is a way of obtaining reassurance.” Sex in such cases, according to Horney, takes on excessive significance and serves as a substitute for emotional connections.

At the same time, a strange paradox occurs: the neurotic does not really like living together with anyone. On the one hand, without a partner you can even climb the wall and howl like a wolf. On the other hand, it’s not too sweet to be with him either. A neurotic does not experience happiness when he is with his “idol”.

Why is this so? The fact is that a neurotic does not love, but uses another in order to gain confidence in his own peace and security. He really needs someone else, but he needs him too much. The love of a neurotic can be called addiction.

Portrait of an unknown

Meanwhile, there are several types of neurotics.

The first type is aimed at love and only love. Such people are ready to do anything for the sake of love: humiliation, insult (usually themselves). Such, you know, subjects are a little biased towards sadomasochism. In this group, the palm is given to women: many of them consider such behavior to be their dignity and are proud that they can give everything for love.

Neurotics of the second group are sad and disappointed. They once had a difficult breakup with a loved one, and they completely withdraw from other people. Instead, they try to fill the inner emptiness and lack of communication with all sorts of excesses. For example, they start to eat a lot. This group includes all kinds of romantic heroes- alone, standing on the edge of a cliff in a fluttering cloak. And among the movie characters - one sad lawyer from “Santa Barbara”, who, although he did not overeat, did not believe in love and joked sadly.

The third type are generally complete losers. They are so anxious that they do not believe in love and affection at all. As a rule, they are quite cynical and rude. An example is Pechorin, who subjected his every emotional impulse to analysis and treated those around him quite harshly.

Recipe for love

Healing occurs when “healthy self-confidence takes the place of anxiety.” Then there will be no hostility, and, consequently, anxiety. Kuznetsov will then understand that he is not a fool at all and can still compete with Drovosekov, and not give up ahead of time. Moreover, even if he loses, he is unlikely to be tormented for a long time because of his failure and sigh sadly in the arms of a sympathetic girl: “Oh, what a loser I am.”

In general, all these mass media baits have nothing to do with true love Dont Have. For the average person, these endless stories about romantic passion are very attractive. After all, they are consonant with his inescapable neurotic fantasies about a prince on a white horse and a princess on a green pea. However, this dream, I tell you, referring to the same Karen Horney I loved, is infantile! If you have such fantasies, drive them away with a filthy broom, otherwise you will never be neurotic.

First of all, you need to learn to love yourself and be able to give your love to another person, without depending on him. Yes, one more little piece of advice: say more often and disinterestedly: “I love you!”

The article pays attention to one of the frequently asked questions about not quite ordinary love, and also provides typical situations and their possible solution.

Neurotic love in women for a man: signs, how to get rid of it, treatment

Neurotic love or in other words the need for love. The symptoms are such that the world loses color for a person without a loved one nearby. A woman treats a man like a child, blowing away specks of dust from him, noticing only the good. Control of all actions to prevent mistakes. The chosen one quickly begins to suffocate from this hyper-love. Treatment is carried out by an experienced psychologist.

Neurotic love Litvak, according to Horney

In his opinion, neurotic love is obsessive in nature.

Neurotic love according to Fromm, Freud, psychology, symptoms and causes, example

According to Fromm, the reason for such love is insatiability, the need for love, for which there is always little. The symptoms lie in low self-esteem, often this form of love manifests itself in flirting with the therapist.

According to Freud, neurotic love occurs due to a lack of reciprocity. Suffering from the inability to satisfy aspirations, experiencing a strong need for it.

Tanya fell in love with Maxim at first sight, but after several months of dating, Maxim noticeably cooled towards her when she began to talk about the relationship, phone calls at least 7 times a day. He was also tired of the constant asking for details about how he spent the day. Showed concern for small child. In the end, Maxim began to choke from so much attention and care.

Neurotic love in a man

In men, as a rule, it manifests itself in excessive jealousy and fear of losing a loved one. Control of all actions.

It’s rare to forget your first love for a guy or girl, so it wouldn’t hurt to read this article and also leave a comment with your...