Sometimes communicating with strangers can be uncomfortable. Knowing how to win people over, you can avoid many mistakes in communication and even make friends. Regardless of how the dialogue takes place (face to face, over the phone, on a social network or via email), the ability to interest the interlocutor will always come in handy.
Remember the name
There are various ways to win people over. From the first minutes of meeting you should remember the person’s name and the place of your meeting.
It’s better to ask your interlocutor’s name several times so that you can use it later in conversation. This method makes it clear how interesting the person with whom communication is taking place is. This will make people like you.
Smile
How to win people over? An important and irreplaceable way is the ability to smile. In this case, the interlocutor makes contact easier and feels more comfortable. However, avoid artificial and insincere smiles.
The best way to sharpen your social skills is to maintain your existing relationships. After all, if you are able to be not boring for someone for a long time, then meeting a new person will be easier.
Demonstration of Interest
When trying to understand how to win people over, it is important to learn to listen and hear your interlocutor. Interrupting the conversation every minute to express your point of view on an issue, trying to always control the flow of the conversation, you will not make real friends. But demonstrating your interest in the opinion of the opposite side will only facilitate communication.
Nice offer
A good way to attract positive attention to yourself, as well as to defuse the situation among unexpected house guests, is to offer them something to drink or eat. This will immediately make a formal conversation more friendly. And if you learn how to prepare some simple but tasty snacks from the most ordinary products, then the meeting will only be a joy.
"Elevator Rules"
How to win people over? Now let's look at another method that deserves attention. Holding the door for the person walking behind or opening it for the person next to you is considered a sign of good manners. If you have already started behaving this way, there is no need to change your habits. Continue to show small signs of attention, and others will definitely appreciate it.
Acting according to the “elevator rule”, it is better to let your companion pass in front of you and let him out first. It is better to do this not only in the elevator, but also on the plane, bus or train.
Some more rules
So how to win people over? Now let's explain a few simple rules.
- Short, clear and politely written emails are always a pleasure to read. After all, long and unclear letters only irritate and are not a good way to convey information.
- When talking on a mobile phone, you should remember the place where you are talking and the time. The entire bus should not know what you ate today or what diseases the doctor discovered that you have.
- By showing interest in another person’s hobby, you, firstly, will earn his respect, and secondly, you yourself can acquire an additional hobby.
- Self-confidence undoubtedly attracts people. This commands respect.
- If someone else approaches your company, it is polite to immediately introduce him to the essence of the conversation.
- Each person reacts differently to discussion about what is happening to them. You should remember this before asking about events in your personal life. In addition, you should keep your distance during conversation and avoid invading the personal space of your interlocutor.
- By learning how to introduce yourself correctly, you can easily connect with other people. Today many cannot do this.
- How to win people over? The next method can be entitled under the slogan “Always be an optimist.” Whining and complaining about life is unlikely to attract anyone, but will only spoil the impression of you. Nobody likes sad bores.
- In addition, talkers also have a hard time earning respect. Everyone is familiar with the “tongued magpies” who constantly talk and are difficult to shut up. For the most part, people want to communicate as equals, and not listen to long monologues.
- Be patient and tolerant. Sometimes these qualities allow you to find out what secrets are hidden in a person’s soul.
- By trying not to argue unnecessarily with other people, you will show them respect. In addition, as you try to understand their point of view, you may find that it is not without common sense.
This list is not final and may be supplemented with other provisions.
Carnegie rules
- Showing genuine interest in people.
- Smile.
- Mandatory mention of the interlocutor’s name in the conversation.
- Make people want to tell you about themselves, listen to them with genuine attention.
- Consider the interests of the other person when talking to him.
- Make people feel important and indispensable.
These simple rules will help you find new friends.
It is unlikely that any person would argue that the ability to win over absolutely any person with just a few words is an almost incomprehensible art. And yet there are a number of ways to significantly simplify this task.
Make a mistake
When communicating with a person, make a rather obvious mistake, misspoke as if you accidentally stumbled. Does this seem stupid? But this is precisely what will help break the ice, will let the interlocutor understand that he, too, can allow himself to make mistakes and not be ashamed of it. Thanks to this, he will feel more confident, less constrained, will also become more open, and will begin to communicate with you more freely.
This trick works especially well when communicating with shy and not very confident people. We are not just talking about speech slips; you can supposedly accidentally demonstrate your less-than-ideal nature in many ways, the main thing is to make it clear to your interlocutor that you are not at all embarrassed by this, such simple and open behavior will easily and quickly endear you to others.
Praise your interlocutor on behalf of the other person
A direct compliment is perceived with hostility by many. It sounds insincere, hypocritical, intrusive, and a person immediately gets a strong feeling that the flatterer is simply trying to achieve some of his personal goals through compliments. That’s why many people are reluctant to accept such compliments and become embarrassed or annoyed. However, the same compliment can be conveyed in another way: in the 3rd person.
Stereotyped compliments like “you look great today” or “what a beautiful jacket you have” sound especially hypocritical and false, even if you really think so. The most convincing compliments are those that extol a person's skills, abilities, and achievements. If, for example, there is a need to ask a colleague Olga Viktorovna for a favor, you can casually mention that the boss recently mentioned her work qualities and admitted that he considers her the best employee of the department. We are not talking exclusively about the professional qualities of the opponent; it would not be superfluous to mention merits and achievements of a different kind. You can note your sense of humor or cooking ability by addressing a compliment on behalf of the same boss or a mutual friend.
Don't forget to show compassion
It's no secret that any person is interested in his own person incomparably more than in any other person. There is nothing strange or shameful in healthy egoism. Therefore, if you really want to get closer to a person, you should talk less about yourself, listen more to what your interlocutor is saying, periodically asking questions with an air of genuine interest in this person.
It is important to consider that people love to be sympathized with. What exactly does this mean? Any interlocutor will be glad to notice that the opponent is listening to him attentively, and not with his head buried in his phone or “incredibly important” papers. It is equally important to understand what emotion a person is trying to express and convey to you, and then share these emotions. No one will tell about their problems to a person who will say in response over and over again: “You yourself are to blame for this, stop complaining!” There is no need, of course, in response to a story about problems at work, to start patting your interlocutor on the head with the words: “Poor thing, how hard it is for you!” The golden mean in this situation would be a phrase like “It seems like you didn’t have an easy day today, but that’s okay, because after a black streak there is always a white streak!” Remember: our task is to assure the opponent that we understand and support him, and are on his side. Support will help convince him, but accurate reproduction of all his own remarks will hinder him. There is a high probability that in such a situation the interlocutor’s brain will suspect something is wrong.
Allow your interlocutor to praise himself
As already mentioned, it is not always necessary to give direct compliments, because they are not so often effective. In this case, you can make your opponent praise himself on his own by giving him a reason for this. Let's give an example: a classmate tells how he learned 40 pages of educational material in one day. To this we can answer: “Perhaps, only a very capable, responsible and purposeful person with an iron will is able to master such an amount of material in just one day.”
Almost every person in such a situation would say something like, “True, it took me a lot of time and effort, but of course I did a great job, you can’t argue with that.” It is unlikely that you will be able to get your interlocutor to praise himself without you having to do it the first time, but practice will certainly help you learn to please people.
Ask for a favor
If you need to ask a person for a rather serious and large favor, it is better to ask him for a less significant service some time before. A person who shows someone a favor grows in his own eyes. That is why you should not offer a person a service, but, on the contrary, ask for it if you want to please your interlocutor. Remember: by helping people, you will probably enlist their help in return, but you will also instill in them a sense of duty, which, of course, does not bring people closer together. However, asking for favors too often is also undesirable.
The above tips in no way encourage hypocrisy or manipulation. Our goal was simply to teach people how to please their interlocutor. Occasionally to achieve your own goals.
When it comes to making a good impression and instilling trust, we often consider this only in the context of some kind of business relationship. Of course, the ability to quickly find a common language with people is a huge advantage for a person who makes his living from sales. But we should not forget that people who are far from this profession are also forced every day to sell themselves, their ideas, interests, desires and intentions to other people, often strangers.
Below I offer a list of five points. Each point is a practical recommendation that you can follow if your goal is to win over a stranger from the first seconds of your communication.
1. Smile widely
You may find this advice too cliché, but believe me, smiling broadly is the fastest way to build trust.
Broad is a gesture that monkeys use when they want to show other primates that they are not a threat. Man is a primate. We come from the same ancestor as the apes. And this is inherent in us by nature - to smile and show open palms when we want to win over a person.
And yes, you may not believe in evolution, in common ancestors and in the fact that man is a primate, but this trick works even without it.
Try it and you will see how much easier it is for you to win someone over, how much more willing people will listen to you and how much more comfortable they will feel in your company.
When I use the expression “smile wide,” I don’t mean that you need to put on an artificial smile all over your face, but I’m just saying that you need to try to smile naturally so that it doesn’t look like a fake grin. And this skill comes with practice. Two minutes a day in front of the mirror in the morning when brushing your teeth will be enough to practice a friendly smile.
2. Call the other person by name
If your goal is to gain trust, learn the stranger's name and then repeat it three times during your conversation.
Why is a name so important? This is one of those few words that has real value for its owner. Remember, we don't like people who use nicknames instead of names to address us. Moreover, a name is one of the most powerful tools for influencing a person. You can say something to your interlocutor, but he will not hear you. All you have to do is call his name and you will get his full attention.
Do you want to win someone over? Call him by name often. It works fantastically.
3. Put on a doctor's coat
The longer a person talks, the more he trusts us. The longer we talk, the less sympathy we attract.
Remember the people who talk incessantly so that they do not allow others to get a word in edgewise. I'm sure I'm not the only one who prefers to cross to the other side of the road just to avoid meeting such a person. And if your goal is to gain sympathy for yourself, you should not be among such people.
Don't talk about yourself; instead, be interested in the other person. Imitate doctors: they do not talk about themselves, but ask leading questions, encouraging the patient to talk more about himself. And then look into his eyes as if he were telling some amazing story.
This advice may seem trivial, but look around and you will realize how many people do not do this: they click on their phones, their eyes wander and by all appearances they show that they are not interested in what is happening here.
4. Prompt the conversation with the question “Tell me...”
In the previous paragraph, we said that you need to “put on a doctor’s robe and listen,” but how to get your interlocutor to talk? Questions serve these purposes. A good question implies a good answer. A bad question leads to a bad answer.
I remember when I started my career as a real estate agent, I often asked people questions formulated as follows: “Why are you selling an apartment?”, “Why is this price?” To which I received the standard short answers: “I need money!” and “So that there is enough money!” In such a situation, it was very difficult to maintain a conversation; short answers did not provide an opportunity to engage and draw the person into dialogue.
A little later, I wised up and changed the wording of the questions: “Tell me, what circumstances led you to the decision to put your apartment up for sale?”, “Tell me, what factors did you take into account when evaluating the apartment?” After such questions, I always received a detailed answer, which flowed into a confidential conversation. And trust was my goal.
I then adapted the phrase "Tell me..." for everyday situations, and it also works great when the goal is to get a quiet person talking. And we remember: the more he talks, the more sympathy he feels for us.
Try it.
5. Use compliments on location.
Another powerful tool for influencing a person is a compliment in his direction. But a compliment is different from a compliment.
A good compliment is not at all what some young men do when trying to impress a girl. It looks unnatural and doesn't work.
The ideal compliment is a compliment to the place.
So, for example, a simple compliment that you like the color of a person’s shirt looks much more honest than loud statements that he is the smartest person you’ve ever met (especially considering the fact that you have known each other for no more than 10 minutes).
I understand that if you are not used to giving people compliments, then starting to do this can be a difficult task and the first attempts may look forced. But the truth is that every person has something that you might like about them, you just haven’t set out to see it before. Now put it on.
At each new meeting, try to find what your interlocutor can do and let him know about it. It doesn't have to be something complicated, it can all come down to a beautiful thing in his wardrobe, a delicate act, or a trait of his character. After all, what matters is not how significant it is for others. What matters is how important it is to that person.
Practice giving compliments until it becomes a habit.
Conclusion
In this article, I shared five tips that I use to improve my relationships with others. But this list is not exhaustive at all and can be supplemented with several more items.
I would like to ask you: what methods, secrets and tips can you add to this list?
Everyone sooner or later thinks about how to learn to win people over. After all, without this knowledge it is very difficult to live in today’s society. Even if you don’t experience communication problems, it will also be useful for you to read this and learn something new for yourself. This means that these skills will be useful to absolutely everyone.
Asking for a favor. This technique is known as the effect named after the famous Benjamin Franklin. Somehow Benjamin needed to win the favor of one person, but that person did not like Franklin. Then he very carefully and politely turned to him with a request to lend him a book, which was quite rare. Having received it, he thanked him even more flatteringly, and so they became comrades. The whole secret is that the person who once did you a favor thinks that you will not refuse him with a counter offer, and therefore will be more willing to come to your aid next time. Ask for more than is required. To get what you want, it is enough to ask the person in the first request to do something a little more or even completely unrealistic. It is very likely that you will be rejected. Then you can ask for what you originally planned - the person will be so uncomfortable after the first refusal that he will respond more willingly to your second request. Saying a person's name in a conversation is the key to achieving results. Dale Carnegie, a famous American psychologist, proves that if you call a person by name when talking to him, this will significantly increase the chances of winning him over. After all, it’s very pleasant to hear your own name, and this helps you be more lenient towards your opponent. Flattery. It may seem that in this case it is obvious, but in reality it is not so simple. After all, if you flatter artificially, it will only bring harm, and there can be no talk of any good-natured disposition towards you. Cognitive balance, this is what determines everything - if flattery is directed towards a person with high self-esteem, then your words will only confirm his opinion about himself, and he will undoubtedly like it. But if flattery is expressed to a person with clearly low self-esteem, then this may cause a disagreement between your words and his opinion of himself, and you will move away from each other (but this does not mean that you should use criticism instead of flattery with such people). Mimicry, aka reflection. It often turns out that you yourself, without knowing it, repeat your manner of speech, behavior and even gestures. It’s no wonder that this can be achieved consciously. It has long been proven that people behave much more positively with a person who repeats their mannerisms, even if he does not make a special contribution to the conversation. Most likely, the same factors are manifested here as with the pronunciation of the opponent’s name; it is pleasant for a person to hear, and in our case, to see a similar manner. Using fatigue. A person’s fatigue makes him more trouble-free, because it affects not only the body, but also mental energy and its level. Therefore, if you turn to a person with a request at this moment, he will most likely agree, but say that he will do it tomorrow, for example. After all, today he will definitely not do anything, but tomorrow he will do what he promised. Having given their word, most people try to keep it, because otherwise they experience psychological inconvenience. Listen and analyze. Telling your interlocutor that he is wrong is not the best strategy for gaining favor. You need to act differently, namely, listen to the person, try to find out what he feels at that moment and why. This will give you the opportunity to see common features in your, at first glance, radically different expressions. First, you should pay attention to the general features of your statements, after which the interlocutor will listen to other points of view.By repeating and practicing all the methods listed above, you can significantly increase people's affection for you. Each method is individual and does not guarantee 100% results, but it’s definitely worth a try. You should not despair after an unsuccessful attempt, but rather wait for time and try one of the other methods.
Unless you live in the woods, chances are good that every day you have to communicate with a variety of people - in person, by phone, by email, on social networks. And to be successful and liked by people, you need to be able to communicate with them.
Or, at a minimum, don’t irritate them. We have summarized the 20 most basic rules of social communication accepted in polite society.
1. Remember the people you meet along the way, their names or the places where you met for the first time. When meeting a new person, do not hesitate to ask him what his name is, and subsequently try to use his name in conversation from time to time.
2. Hold doors for people walking behind you or open them for those you are walking with. However, keep in mind that if you have already started doing this once, then you should not forget about it after a couple of months - people quickly get used to good things.
3. Maintain existing relationships - this is the best way to sharpen your social skills.
4. Learn to listen to your interlocutor: do not interrupt the conversation every two minutes in order to express your opinion, do not try to completely control the flow of the conversation, and be sure to show people your interest.
5. When bringing guests to your house, do not forget to offer them something to eat or drink. This will make the conversation less formal and will help defuse the situation.
6. By the way, it would be nice to learn how to prepare a few basic snacks from the products available in the refrigerator. So that the cooking process itself goes quickly and unnoticed, and it turns out so that you will lick your fingers.
7. Follow the “elevator rule”: let your companions pass first. Let them go first. And not only from the elevator, but also from the bus, train or plane.
8. Learn to write short, clear and polite emails. No one wants to scroll through a three-page message only to end up with a vaguely formulated sentence about who knows what.
9. Be calm and restrained when giving tips: no one should see the money being transferred. This will take some finesse and perhaps time.
10. Cultivate a culture of talking on a mobile phone. There is absolutely no need for the entire bus to listen to what you ate for breakfast today or what procedures the doctor prescribed for you.
11. Almost obsolete paper letters, handwritten by the author, are still a pleasure to receive. They indicate that the person who wrote them spent their time specifically on you. Such a personal approach can sometimes bring very good results.
12. Show interest in others' hobbies. It is likely that at first the interest will be “fake,” but who knows, maybe in the end the other person’s hobby will become yours too.
13. Confidence that you look great helps a lot when talking with strangers or people you barely know. Be confident in yourself, and your interlocutor will be imbued with the same confidence towards you.
14. If someone else enters your conversation with another person, try to bring the new person up to speed as quickly as possible or briefly explain what is being discussed. For example: “Lena, meet Pasha, my colleague. We were just talking about when our salaries will increase.”
15. Remember how different people are inclined to discuss things that happen to them. This will help to at least partially predict the reaction of a particular person to a particular situation that happened to him or to you.
16. Introduce yourself. Most people do not know how to do this at all, which can easily result in promising relationships both from the point of view of work and personal life.
17. Stay optimistic. Don't whine or complain about life. This can greatly ruin the first impression you make on people, and they may decide that they absolutely do not want to communicate with such a sad and irritable bore like you anymore.
18. Don't talk too much. We all know people who can't be shut up, no matter how hard you try. And we all try to avoid them, because in most cases people crave communication, not a monologue lasting several hours.
19. Patience and tolerance. In some cases, it is these qualities that allow us to perceive people as they really are.
20. Don't argue. However, this does not mean that you must necessarily agree with the interlocutor on all questions or statements. Just before you decide to respond with something harsh, try to understand the point of view of the person you are currently talking to. What if this is enough?
