Particularly dangerous persons, or let's talk about sociopaths. How Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Manipulate Their Victims Slander and Stalking

When breaking contact is impossible
When dealing with any manipulative and toxic people, including narcissists, psychopaths, stalkers, sociopaths, people with borderline and histrionic personality disorders - in short, all types of emotional vampires - the usual advice is that no reaction is the best reaction to unwanted attention. This is often true, and the method of Breaking All Contact (avoiding all communication) should always be used if possible. This is perhaps the most effective way to rid your life of the hell into which regular communication with an emotional vampire plunges you.

However, there are a number of situations in which the method of Breaking All Contacts is impossible, for example, in the case of sharing custody of a child with a toxic person. Or if your ex is stalking you, denying them the right to see you may make them angry. In such a situation, refusing to answer him can be considered an insult by the psychopath. Such people may decide that they can force and force you to respond to them, and thus satisfy their desire to control you.

Moreover, many of us have tried to end relationships with such a person several times, only to take him or her back each time. They included pity and charm, and because we did not understand that this is exactly the type of behavior that psychopaths and other unpleasant individuals use, we believed their promises to change the situation in the future or to change ourselves. They know all our emotional hooks. They find it easy and interesting to lure us back by appealing to our emotions.

But manipulators don't change. In fact, if you break up with a psychopath, he may go to great lengths to punish you even more for daring to think you could be independent. Even if you don't take them back, the most dangerous time for a victim is the initial breakup with the psychopath/narcissist. They become furious at being neglected. Losing control or power over a person is not only a narcissistic injury for them, they can feel completely devastated when their partner leaves them - even if they intended to kill that partner. The reason is loss of control. All manipulators need to feel in control at all times.

It is for such situations that the Gray Stone Method exists.

Psychopaths are addicted to drama and cannot stand boredom. Over time, he will find someone else to satisfy his need for drama and will find that he is attracted to you less and not as often. And at some point it will simply crawl away to greener pastures.

The Gray Stone Method is a way to teach a psychopath that you are a bad target to pursue because you bore him and force him to miss, and they cannot stand boredom. This way you will force the manipulator to leave of his own free will.

You could say that the Gray Rock Method is a way of breaking up with a psychopath using the old "it's not you, it's me" excuse, the only difference is that you show it through your actions instead of saying it in words, and the manipulator he himself comes to this conclusion.

There is nothing to envy.
Another reason to use the Gray Rock Method is to avoid being caught in the prey role from the start. If you find yourself around one or more narcissistic individuals, perhaps work with them, or have them as members of your family, it is important avoid activating their envy. Using the Gray Stone Method, you fade into the background. They may not even remember meeting you.

If you have unintentionally attracted their attention and they have already started focusing on you, you can still use the Gray Stone Method. Tell them you're boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores - in great detail. Some people are naturally lacking in drama. Find these people and stay close to them when the manipulator is around.

Distract with a “broken wing”
If you are forced to continue a relationship with a manipulator, the Gray Stone Method can also serve you well. People involved in shared custody of a child with a manipulative ex-spouse may use a method where the ex-spouse tries to hurt them and deceive them. emotions.

It's understandable that any threat to the well-being of our children creates incredible fear and anxiety. This is where the Gray Stone Method can be used selectively to divert attention from what is truly important to you.

Generally, don't show any emotion in response to offensive words and behavior. The manipulator will use different tactics to discover which will produce a response. And you should react to what is of least importance to you. This will focus the manipulator's attention on this aspect.

Remember, psychopaths and other manipulators do not have values, so they do not understand what is valuable to us until we reveal it to them. Gray Stone's Selective Method shows them the bait. We can learn from Mother Nature in protecting our children: parent birds with chicks have been known to fake a broken wing when a predator is roaming the area. They pretend to be vulnerable to divert the cat's attention from their real vulnerability - their offspring.

In this example, the selective Gray Stone Method pushes into the background all emotions except those that you yourself want to demonstrate to the social predator. Psychopaths get bored very easily. They need constant stimulation to stave off boredom. This is not the kind of boredom that ordinary people experience, but is more similar to the French word ennui, which refers to an overwhelming melancholy, ennui and lethargy.

Drama is a psychopath's cure for boredom. For drama they need an audience and characters. Once the drama begins, they feel alive again. They are energized when they pull strings that trigger our emotional response. Any emotion will do as long as it is a reaction to their actions.

Psychopaths and other manipulators experience dependence on power. They gain power by giving them access to our emotions. They feel this acutely and need constant testing to make sure that we are still under their control. They need to know that we are still willing to act in accordance with their wishes, make them happy and avoid their anger. They need to create drama to feel the power of manipulating our emotions.

As with any addiction, getting your fix of emotional response excites and revitalizes the psychopath. The more times he receives his “reward” for his dramatic behavior, the more his addiction grows. The opposite is also true: when the “reward” stops coming, he gets nervous. He experiences an overwhelming feeling of boredom and melancholy and responds by creating even more drama.

If we adhere to this line of behavior and do not show emotions, at some point the psychopath decides that his toy is broken. She no longer gets emotional when he squeezes her! Most likely, he will crawl away from you in search of a new toy.

The Gray Stone Method includes a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one of them who has already decided to kill you, it will be very difficult to change his decision. It could already be poisoning your food or secretly damaging your car. Take all necessary precautions. In such a case, your only hope is that the Gray Stone Method will only buy you time before you can escape.

Boring, poor and ugly
Psychopaths are attracted to bright, beautiful things, anything that moves quickly and bright lights. These objects are associated with a feeling of liveliness and relieve his always present overwhelming melancholy. Certainly, his preferred food is your emotions, but the list of what he wants is not exhausted by them. He envies everything beautiful, shining and sparkling that you have and want, everything that you value highly. You must hide everything that he might notice and become jealous of.

If you are beautiful, use makeup to highlight bags under your eyes.
Unless you are married to a manipulative person, any of your money or assets that he covets should "disappear" into a "very bad investment" (check with your lawyer about this).
Your shiny new sports car should retire - get yourself a simple, unassuming everyday car.
If you have an excellent reputation, expect that he will begin or has already begun to slander you. Therefore, do not allow yourself to be placed in a compromising position or provoked into unstable or unhealthy behavior.

The reason he wants to take it all away from you is not necessarily because he wants to have it all himself, but because he wants to see the emotion on your face the moment you lose it all.

The manipulator needs a demonstration of power, expressed in the fact that he is the person who deprived you of all this. By removing all these things from his sight in advance and not showing an emotional reaction to these losses, you continue to accustom him to the idea that you are the most boring person in the world, a person he will never want to be like in any way.

Origin of the Gray Stone Method
In 2009, the author of the original text broke up with her psychopathic partner after 25 years of marriage, but still did not understand what was wrong with him. “I was sitting in a sushi bar with mixed feelings when a tall, attractive, athletic-looking young man introduced himself to me. To my surprise, I instinctively told him my whole story. He listened to me and then explained to me that I was dealing with a perverse narcissist. And he gave me advice: “ Be boring«.

He said his girlfriend would come home every night and start drinking and behaving in a horrible and abusive manner. They were both professionals moving in the same professional circles. He knew that she would pursue him if he decided to break up and did not want to take the risk of becoming a victim of slander, which could damage his professional reputation.
And he decided to become so boring that she would simply leave him. He refused to go out anywhere in the evenings. He showed no emotional reaction to anything and always reacted with a lack of drama. When she asked if he wanted to go out to a cafe or restaurant for dinner, his answer was: “I don’t know.” After a few drama-free months, she moved out from him. ...

I chose the word "gray stone" because everywhere you go there are a lot of gray stones and pebbles, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don’t remember a single individual pebble that you saw today, because they blend into the landscape. This is exactly the type of boredom that you are going to convey to the manipulator. A stranger at a sushi bar made a startling observation when he advised her to “be boring.” He got to the heart of psychopaths' motivation to avoid boredom.

In nature, there are many tricks that promote survival among predators. Among others, birds pretend to have a broken wing to protect their offspring, and mice pretend to be dead until the cat loses interest in them. Both of these tactics can be useful and can be used as needed and appropriate.

This simple, unassuming object of nature has all the wisdom necessary to go unnoticed - it is boring.

PHOTO Getty Images

Recently, a story spread across the Runet: the children of singer Valeria admitted that their father, music producer and composer Alexander Shulgin, regularly mocked, humiliated and beat them. And this is not the first story of this kind. This begs the question: how could a successful and beautiful woman choose such a man as a partner? Why didn’t you notice his inclinations? Probably, her ex-husband has qualities that psychologists classify as the “black triad” - narcissism, Machiavellianism (the tendency to manipulate others) and psychopathy. Recent research sheds light on why these qualities, despite their destructive nature, make their owners attractive.

Nicholas Holtzman and Michael Strube from the University of Washington (USA) 1 looked for a connection between physical attractiveness and tendencies towards narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism. They invited 111 students to the laboratory. First, they were photographed, and then asked to change their clothes to pre-prepared ones - as simple and neutral as possible. Women were also asked to remove all makeup, jewelry, and ponytails. Then they were photographed again in a new image. Holtzman and Strube showed the footage to a group of strangers, asking them to rate them in terms of physical attractiveness. They wanted to understand which of the students managed to make themselves irresistible with the help of clothes, cosmetics and accessories.

“Covert narcissists and manipulators are not ahead of others in attractiveness, they are better at presenting themselves.”

Then the researchers compiled a psychological portrait of the participants, and also interviewed their acquaintances and friends by telephone and e-mail. By adding together the data from their assessment and the assessments of other people, they came up with a profile of each student. Some of them showed classic signs of the “black triad”: low empathy, a tendency to violate boundaries and use others to achieve their goals, a desire for status and prestige. It turned out that these were the people that strangers considered the most attractive.

The most curious thing was that the gap between the ratings of their “before” and “after” photographs was maximum. That is, covert narcissists and manipulators did not outperform others in attractiveness when they were wearing regular T-shirts and sweatpants. So the point is that they are better at presenting themselves. These findings are consistent with previous research: narcissists are more charming than others at first glance—literally.

Scientists suggest that two features are combined here: the developed social “intelligence” of manipulators and our own errors of perception. Narcissists seem charming to us due to their ability to impress: they look impressive, smile a lot, and skillfully use body language. We can say that they are masters of self-presentation. They know very well how to gain attention and arouse interest in themselves.

“When we find someone handsome and charming, we automatically assume that they are kind, smart, and confident.”

A person's physical attractiveness is often associated with a variety of other positive qualities, a phenomenon known as the "halo effect." When someone seems handsome and charming to us, we automatically assume that they are kind, smart, and confident. This is what, in particular, helps manipulators gain the trust of their victims, occupy leadership positions and find loyal supporters.

Narcissists and sociopaths have little understanding of the essence of relationships, so they put a lot of effort into creating a spectacular image. And this is reassuring: the effect of the first impression does not last forever. The dust they throw into their eyes will sooner or later subside. The spell will be broken. Unfortunately, often partners and friends become so attached to them that they do not find the strength to break off the relationship. But often intuition catches what is dissonant with the ideal picture in our head: a cold look, a quick change of tone, undisguised flattery... Listen to your feelings, if they give alarming signals - perhaps you should stay away from this person.

1 Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2013, vol. 4, no. 4.

Can “dark” qualities help you achieve professional success? Sometimes scientific research reveals things we might prefer not to know.

For example, organizational psychologists studied cadets at West Point Military Academy to understand which personal traits might better predict success. Quality #1? Narcissism!

“It was surprising,” says Seth Spain, assistant professor of organizational behavior at Binghamton University's School of Management. “The cadets were examined on various aspects of leadership. Narcissism was noted in almost all of them. That was the only overall positive effect.”

Intrigued (and perhaps a little scared), the researchers decided to find out more about how unpleasant personality traits can lead to professional success. So the team led by Spain conducted an exhaustive review of more than 140 studies and published their findings in a new report " DarksidepersonalitiesVaction." The report identifies three personality traits—the “Dark Triad”—that can propel their owners to the heights of success.

At least for a while. From Julius Caesar to Bernie Madoff, anyone with too much of the Dark Triad will eventually fail. “For the most part, these traits are associated with career derailment at some point,” Spain says. “If you don't have exceptional talent, you will end up alienating your colleagues, employees and clients.”

Meanwhile, people free of these traits can benefit from knowing about them. We can see how the Dark Triad helps people work and take some of these qualities for themselves. Rarely enough, at the right moment, to do something differently.

Narcissists inspire enthusiasm

Think Napoleon and Steve Jobs. Narcissists achieve amazing things, usually because their needs and desires come before everything and everyone else. They also go to great lengths to achieve their goals. Most importantly, they are very strong at getting others on their side.

“Narcissists are great at presenting themselves and their ideas, they infect staff with incredible enthusiasm, which is very important. People come from them thinking, “This is so cool! This looks like a great opportunity!” says Spain.

One definition of leadership is the ability to clearly articulate a goal or idea and get others to follow it. And only a little narcissism can help you do this. So if you take on something, don't be shy about being narcissistic. It's amazing, but it's the best idea you've ever heard."

Manipulators know how to influence others

A master manipulator knows all the buttons that need to be pressed to get what he wants from the people around him. There are many ways to influence others, including praise or flattery, forming political alliances, bargaining, and even threats.

Spain says most of us tend to use only one or two of these influence tactics. Most often - clumsy attempts at ingratiation. You may think it's funny, but the act of manipulating people to benefit both you and yourself is the essence of good leadership. Thus, we must be willing - in moderation - to try the full range of tactics to influence others if the end results are worth it.

Psychopaths don't look back

Just a second. Are our most successful leaders psychopaths? No no no! When most people hear the word “psychopath,” they think of a serial killer, for example. But organizational psychologists have something else in mind. “Non-clinical” psychopaths are simply eager to put themselves ahead of other people. Additionally, they feel little or no shame or remorse when they have done something wrong. They are the darkest of the Dark Triad. But, as Spain notes, “they can recover from failure very quickly.” As a result, they are very prone to making mistakes and taking risks.

And these are qualities that every leader can use. We can learn a lot about resilience from psychopaths themselves. The absence of shame and guilt is generally bad for social relationships, so we should not imitate them. On the other hand, everyone can use their example to learn to say: “I made a mistake, admitted it and moved on.”

Destructive people - carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits - often demonstrate inappropriate behavior in relationships, as a result exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners, family and friends.

They use many distracting maneuvers designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening onto him. These techniques are used by narcissistic individuals, such as psychopaths and sociopaths, to avoid responsibility for their actions.

We list two dozen not-so-clean techniques with which inadequate people humiliate others and silence them.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result you begin to doubt the validity of your complaints about abuse and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses these tactics against you, you automatically take their side to resolve the resulting cognitive dissonance. Two irreconcilable reactions are fighting in your soul: either he is mistaken, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the first is completely excluded, and the last is the pure truth, indicating your inadequacy.

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.

While we all engage in projection to some degree, narcissistic disorder clinical specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that for narcissists, projection often becomes a form of psychological abuse.

Instead of admitting their own shortcomings, flaws and misdeeds, narcissists and sociopaths choose to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims in the most unpleasant and cruel way.

Instead of admitting that they could use some self-care, they choose to instill shame in their victims by making them responsible for their behavior. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the same bitter shame that he feels towards himself.

For example, a pathological liar may accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “clingy” in an attempt to make him appear dependent; a bad employee may call a boss ineffective to avoid having a truthful conversation about his own performance.

Narcissistic sadists love to play the blame game. The goals of the game: they win, you lose, the result is that you or the whole world as a whole are to blame for everything that happened to them. So you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in return you are pushed into a sea of ​​insecurity and self-criticism. Cool idea, right?

Solution? Don't "project" your own feelings of compassion or empathy onto the destructive person, and don't take on their toxic projections onto yourself. As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in his book In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.

Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in self-reflection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and ties with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in the cesspool of other people's dysfunctions.

Hell of a pointless conversation

Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circle talk, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them.

This is done to discredit, distract and frustrate you, lead you away from the main topic and make you feel guilty for being a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.

All it takes is ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist and you’ll already be wondering how you got into this in the first place. You just disagreed with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, which leads to what is called narcissistic injury.

Remember: destructive people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, you are just an accomplice in a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to come up with an argument to refute their ridiculous claims is just throwing more wood on the fire.

Don't feed narcissists - rather feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not you, but their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend this time doing something pleasant.

Generalizations and unfounded statements

And it’s even easier to put some kind of label on you - this automatically negates the value of any of your statements.

On a larger scale, generalizations and unfounded statements are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, patterns and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo.

In this way, one aspect of the problem gets blown out of proportion so much that serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular figures are accused of rape, many are quick to cry out that such accusations are sometimes false.

And, although false accusations do occur, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the specific accusation is ignored.

These everyday microaggressions are typical in destructive relationships. For example, you tell a narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your oversensitivity or a generalization like: “You are always unhappy with everything” or “Nothing suits you at all,” instead of paying attention to the real problem that has arisen.

Yes, you may be oversensitive sometimes - but it's just as likely that your abuser is insensitive and callous most of the time.

Stick to the truth and try to resist unfounded generalizations, because they are just a form of completely illogical black-and-white thinking. Behind destructive people who throw out unfounded generalizations, there is not the entire wealth of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-worth.

Deliberate distortion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of complete absurdity

Narcissists make up stories, paraphrasing what you say to make your position seem absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you tell a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you.

In response, he twists your words: “Oh, and with us, then, you are perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.

This common distraction is a cognitive bias called “mind reading.” Destructive people believe they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you.

They act accordingly based on their own illusions and misconceptions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into other people's mouths, they present you as bearers of completely wild intentions and opinions.

They accuse you of thinking they are inadequate even before you make a comment about their behavior, and this is also a form of proactive defense.

The best way to draw a clear line with such a person is to simply say, “I didn’t say that,” and end the conversation if he continues to accuse you of things you didn’t do or say. As long as a destructive person has the ability to shift blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a feeling of shame for daring to contradict him about something.

Nitpicking and changing the rules of the game

Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to a sophism called "game changing" to ensure that they have every reason to be constantly dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you have provided all kinds of evidence to support your argument or accepted all possible measures to satisfy their request, they present you with a new demand or want more evidence.

Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will find fault with you as to why you are not yet a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be babysat around the clock? Now prove that you can remain “independent”.

The rules of the game will constantly change and may easily even contradict each other; The only goal of this game is to make you seek the narcissist's attention and approval.

By constantly raising the bar of expectations or completely replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you a pervasive feeling of worthlessness and a constant fear of inadequacy. By highlighting one minor episode or one mistake you made and blowing it out of proportion, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own strengths and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time.

This forces you to think about the new expectations that you will now have to live up to, and as a result, you bend over backwards to satisfy his every demand - and in the end it turns out that he still treats you poorly.

Don’t be fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck up some insignificant episode again and again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to confirm that you are right or satisfy his demands, it means that he is not at all driven by the desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to instill in you the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person and should not constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.

Changing the subject to avoid responsibility

At the public level, these techniques are used to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be derailed if one of the participants raises the issue of another pressing issue, diverting everyone's attention from the original dispute.

As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, points out, issues need specificity to be addressed and addressed properly—that doesn't mean the topics raised along the way aren't important, it just means that for every topic there's its time and its context.

Do not be distructed; if someone is trying to substitute concepts, use the “broken record” method, as I call it: continue to persistently repeat the facts without going away from the topic. Turn the arrows back, say: “That’s not what I’m talking about now. Let's not get distracted." If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and direct your energy in a more useful direction - for example, find someone to talk to who is not stuck at the mental development level of a three-year-old toddler.

Hidden and obvious threats

Instead of dealing with differences maturely and seeking compromise, they try to deny you the right to your own opinion, trying to teach you to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their demands. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum; their standard reaction is “do this, otherwise I will do that.”

If, in response to your attempts to mark the line or express a different opinion, you hear a commanding tone and threats, be it veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: before you is a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never agree to compromise. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist that you mean business by documenting them if possible and reporting them to the proper authorities.

Insults

According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.

In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinions or emotions. Insults are a quick and easy way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your intelligence, appearance or behavior, while simultaneously depriving you of your right to be human. with your own opinion.

Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A valid point or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes “ridiculous” or “idiotic” in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has nothing meaningful to say back.

Unable to find the strength to attack your argument, the narcissist attacks you yourself, trying in every possible way to undermine your authority and cast doubt on your mental abilities. As soon as insults are used, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and clearly state that you do not intend to tolerate this.

Don't take it personally: understand that they only use insults because they don't know any other way to get their point across.

"Training"

They can even isolate you from friends and family and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov’s dogs, are essentially “trained,” making you afraid to do everything that once made your life rich.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive personalities do this to divert all attention to yourself and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. During the idealization stage, you were the center of the narcissist's world - and now the narcissist must be the center of your world.

In addition, narcissists are pathologically jealous by nature and cannot stand the thought of anything that could even slightly protect you from their influence. To them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally barren existence.

After all, if you find that you can get respect, love and support from someone who is non-destructive, then what will stop you from breaking up with them? In the hands of a destructive person, “training” is an effective way to make you tiptoe and always stop halfway towards your dreams.

Slander and Harassment

Slander and gossip are a pre-emptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name so that you have no support if you do decide to end the relationship and leave your destructive partner. They may even stalk and harass you or someone you know, supposedly to “expose” you; such “exposure” is just a way to hide their own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.

Sometimes gossip turns two or even entire groups of people against each other. The victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist often does not know what is being said about him while the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when it breaks down.

Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and to your face too), tell nasty things about you to you or their loved ones, spread rumors that make you out to be the aggressor and them the victim, and attribute to you exactly the kind of actions that you accuse them of most feared.

In addition, they will methodically, secretly and deliberately offend you, so that they can then cite your reactions as evidence that they are the “victim” in your relationship.

The best way to counteract slander is to always control yourself and stick to the facts. This is especially true for high-conflict divorces with narcissists, who may deliberately provoke you so that they can then use your reactions against you.

If possible, document any forms of harassment, intimidation and abuse (including online), and try to communicate with the narcissist only through your lawyer. If we are talking about harassment and intimidation, you should contact law enforcement; It is advisable to find a lawyer who is knowledgeable about narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for itself when the narcissist's mask begins to slip.

Love bombing and devaluation

Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and begins to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.

Narcissists do this all the time: they scold their exes in front of new partners, and over time they begin to treat new ones with the same disdain. Ultimately, any partner of a narcissist will experience the same things as the previous ones.

In such a relationship, you will inevitably become another ex, whom he will vilify in the same way with his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. So don't forget about the love bombing method if your partner's behavior with others is in stark contrast to the sugary sweetness he exhibits in his relationship with you.

As personal growth coach Wendy Powell advises, a good way to counter love bombing from someone you find potentially destructive is to take things slow.

Keep in mind that the way a person speaks about others can foreshadow how they will one day treat you.

Preventive defense

Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first establishing a solid foundation for that trust.

They can skillfully “disguise” by portraying a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to later reveal their true identity. When the cycle of abuse reaches the stage of devaluation, the mask begins to slip and you see their true nature: terribly cold, callous and dismissive.

Truly good people rarely need to constantly boast about their positive qualities - they exude warmth rather than talk about it, and know that actions are much more important than words. They know that trust and respect are a two-way street that requires reciprocity rather than constant indoctrination.

To combat preventive defense, think about why a person emphasizes his good qualities. Because he thinks you don't trust him - or because he knows he's not trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by actions; it is actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you is who he claims to be.

Triangulation

Narcissists love to triangulate their partner with strangers, colleagues, ex-spouses, friends and even family members in order to create jealousy and insecurity in them. They also use the opinions of others to prove their point of view.

This maneuver is intended to divert your attention from psychological abuse and present the narcissist in a positive image of a popular, desirable person. Plus, you begin to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out that I’m still wrong? In fact, narcissists are happy to “tell” you nasty things that others allegedly said about you, even though they themselves say nasty things behind your back.

To counter triangulation, remember that whoever the narcissist triangulates you with, that person is also triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. Essentially, the narcissist is in charge of all roles. Answer him with your own “triangulation” - find the support of a third party beyond his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.

Lure and pretend to be innocent

Minor disagreement can be a bait, and even if at first you restrain yourself within the bounds of politeness, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you.

Having “lured” you with a seemingly innocent comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: narcissists know your weaknesses, unpleasant phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and painful topics that open old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their schemes to provoke you.

After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you are “okay”, assuring that he “didn’t mean to” upset your soul. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and forces you to believe that he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts happening so often that you can no longer deny his obvious malevolence.

It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communication as soon as possible. Common luring techniques include provocative statements, insults, offensive accusations, or unfounded generalizations.

Trust your intuition: if a certain phrase seemed somehow “not right” to you, and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor interpreted it, perhaps this is a signal that you should take your time to comprehend the situation before reacting.

Boundary testing and vacuum cleaner tactics

This is why survivors of emotional and physical abuse often face even more abuse whenever they decide to return to their abusers.

Abusers often resort to “vacuum cleaner tactics,” sucking their victims back in with sweet promises, fake repentances, and empty words about how they will change, only to subject them to more abuse.

In the sick mind of the abuser, this testing of boundaries serves as punishment for trying to resist the abuse, as well as for returning to it. When the narcissist tries to start over, reinforce the boundaries even more, rather than retreat from them.

Remember: manipulators do not respond to empathy and compassion. They only react to consequences.

Aggressive injections disguised as jokes

The manipulator is betrayed by a contemptuous grin and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he takes pleasure in the fact that he can offend you with impunity. It's just a joke, right?

Not this way. This is a way to convince you that his insults are just a joke, a way to shift the conversation from his cruelty to your supposed hypersensitivity. In such cases, it is important to stand your ground and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.

When you bring these hidden insults to the manipulator's attention, he can easily resort to gaslighting, but continue to defend your position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if this does not help, stop communicating with him.

Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone

It doesn’t matter that he himself throws tantrums every time someone dares to criticize his inflated ego - no, it’s the victim who is “oversensitive.” When you are constantly treated like a child and challenged on your every statement, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of reprimand.

This kind of self-censorship saves the abuser from having to shut you up because you are doing it yourself.

When confronted with a condescending demeanor or patronizing tone, state it clearly and clearly. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like a child, and certainly you don’t have to remain silent to please someone’s delusions of grandeur.

Shaming

It is also used to destroy and negate the victim's sense of self-worth: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then instilling shame in her for that particular attribute, quality or achievement can lower her self-esteem and strangle all pride at the root.

Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even make you feel ashamed of the hurt or violence you have suffered, causing you further psychological trauma.

Did you experience violence as a child? A narcissist or sociopath will make you feel like you somehow deserve it, or brag about your own happy childhood to make you feel inadequate and worthless.

What better way to offend you than to pick at old wounds? Like a doctor in reverse, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound rather than heal it.

If you suspect that you are dealing with a destructive person, try to hide your vulnerabilities or long-standing psychological traumas from him. Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that could later be used against you.

Control

This is why narcissists and sociopaths create conflict situations out of the blue, just to make you feel insecure and unstable. That is why they constantly argue over trifles and get angry at the slightest reason.

This is why they become emotionally withdrawn, and then rush to idealize you again as soon as they feel that they are losing control. This is why they fluctuate between their true and false selves, and you never feel psychologically safe because you cannot understand what your partner really is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the more difficult it will be for you to trust your feelings and recognize that you are a victim of psychological abuse. By learning about manipulative techniques and how they undermine your self-confidence, you can understand what you're up against and at least try to regain control of your own life and stay away from destructive people.

This article is excerpted from the bestselling book How to Stop a Narcissist from Turning Your Life into a Nightmare.

We are accustomed to thinking that every person has a conscience and the ability to empathize. In fact, Harvard psychologist Martha Stout estimates that at least one in 25 members of society is a sociopath.

Narcissists (that is, individuals whose behavior fits the description of narcissistic personality disorder), as well as their “brothers” sociopaths and psychopaths, use special language and special techniques to psychologically influence others. We'll be talking mainly about narcissists, but also people with similar disorders - all of whom are incapable of empathy and use others to achieve their own goals.

These people walk among us, hiding behind masks, and often do not show their pathological traits for a long time. They can be of any gender, any background, and their socioeconomic status can also be absolutely anything. Sometimes they give the impression of charming, charismatic people, they can become the life of the party in order to hook their victims, easily and naturally fool those around them. It is likely that you have once dated, worked with, or been friends with a narcissist without even knowing it.

Learning to read their emotional language means understanding that their cruelty is not only external, but also hidden, deeply penetrating into all the nuances of their behavior - facial expressions, gestures, intonations and, more importantly, in the contradiction between their words and actions. And the most important thing is that their cruelty is not spontaneous - it is thought out and aimed at achieving control and, ultimately, psychological suppression of their victims.

Their manipulations destroy, devastate emotionally and psychologically. This is very dangerous, given the similarity of the brain's response to emotional suffering and physical pain. Being subjected to emotional pressure and verbal abuse, the victim feels much the same as if he had been punched in the stomach. And because psychopaths tend to torment their victims over long periods of time, the latter may develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

These people are very skillful and inventive in their sadistic manipulation and subjugation of others to their own will, slowly, step by step, bringing victims to complete mental breakdown.

The narcissist can attack at any moment (if they see you as a threat or want to provoke you into an emotional reaction) by choosing a weapon suitable for the situation from his rich verbal arsenal - sarcasm, condescending remarks, getting personal, reproaches, as well as non-verbal language - grinning, coldness in his eyes, a show of boredom, a pout, or a cruel laugh to make you feel how insignificant you are in his eyes.

Victims who have gone through this experience leave relationships with narcissists (sociopaths or psychopaths) with severely low self-esteem. For most of this relationship, they tiptoed around, trying not to disturb their narcissists with unnecessary movements and incur their wrath. But this didn’t help either - the narcissist always finds a reason to continue torturing his victim, because he is interested in the process itself.

There are three types of information that narcissists gather during the “idealization” phase (when they court beautifully and show passionate feelings, and the victim naively confides all the deepest secrets). The narcissist then turns this information against the victim during a phase of humiliation, devaluation and rejection.

These are the three types of information.

1. Flaws, weaknesses, fears and secrets that you entrust to the narcissist

You may feel that being vulnerable and trusting helps bring you closer together. But for a narcissist, it's just a feast. He will reassure you that you now have a strong shoulder, that he is ready to support and protect you, but in reality this is only a cunning way to spin you into even greater openness, so that he can then use the information against you during your devaluation phase.

Remember: the narcissist will not restrain himself in the ways he puts pressure on you.

If you tell a narcissist that you have a problem with your weight, you can be sure that he will later humiliate you by bringing up this very issue. If you tell him that you were once sexually assaulted, he will soon make you feel like a “used item” in bed. Forcing the victim to relive old traumas over and over again is a favorite technique of the narcissist. This is where they draw their strength, this is how they fill their empty lives.

The narcissist perceives any unhealed wound as an invitation to pick at it so that it hurts even more than it originally did.

2. Your virtues and achievements, especially those that cause pathological envy of the narcissist

At first, when you are still on a pedestal, the narcissist tirelessly praises your virtues and achievements. They admire your family and friends, proudly take you out into the world, treat you like a valuable trophy and an integral part of themselves. It seems to them that by associating with you, they themselves become stronger and more significant. They are convinced that an ordinary person could not win such a “prize” as you.

However, later, when your relationship with the narcissist enters the derogatory phase, they will begin to portray your strengths as weaknesses. What was once considered “confidence and sexuality” is now called “arrogance and narcissism” (usually an accurate portrait of the narcissist himself). What was previously called “a manifestation of a brilliant mind” has now turned into “a desire to become smarter, appropriately and inappropriately.”

They will make you believe that your strengths were imaginary, projecting their own complexes onto you. They will humiliate, belittle and ignore your achievements, now demonstrating that none of it has any value to them and to the world. They will feed you every lie about your incompetence and lack of ability. They will prove that they are better than you by shamelessly stealing your ideas. Through endless snide remarks and ridicule, they will make you believe that you are incapable of handling the simplest tasks, even if you are far superior to them professionally and personally. They will threaten to destroy your reputation and turn others against you. They will not miss the opportunity to mock your dreams, aspirations, goals, lifestyle, and will not allow you to be proud of your talents, profession, or appearance. Especially if they themselves are deprived of all this.

Everything they previously extolled as your strengths suddenly turns into weaknesses. Because they cannot stand you as a “winner” and admit that you are better than them in any way. For these people, absolutely everything seems like a competition in which they must win at any cost.

3. Your need to please them and their need to be constantly unhappy.

During the idealistic phase of your relationship, narcissists will try to cultivate your desire to please them and receive praise. You don’t even notice how you become dependent on their exaggerated delight and admiration, which (as it now seems to you) only your partner is capable of.

When this happy phase ends, they use your need for praise for their own purposes. Now they often become indifferent, sulking at every occasion. Now it is extremely difficult for your most generous manifestations to reach their high standards, and your every failure is examined under a magnifying glass. They even blame their mistakes on you. The victim tries his best to regain the narcissist's previous affections by fulfilling his/her whims of increasing absurdity, with varying degrees of success. But in the end it still fails. Feelings of inability to meet the narcissist's high demands are exacerbated by insults, accusations, and unfair comparisons.

As a result, the victim's self-esteem rapidly sinks.

The victim's attempts to object to his tormentor will be met with such anger and accusations that the victim will ultimately prefer to wait out the scandals in silence. Narcissists like to have the last word, and they are great at it.

Not allowing a narcissist to torture you means not giving him a weapon to use against you. Now you know what kind of weapon this is.

Translation by Evelina Skok