No one can stand a touchy character. Psychology of resentment

Introduction

In the Holy Scriptures and the patristic heritage, much attention is paid to the fight against sins, the most dangerous and insidious of which is pride. If a person more or less successfully overcomes gluttony, lustful passion, love of money, sadness, anger, despondency and even vanity, the sin of pride awaits him. Manifestations of pride are multifaceted: exalting oneself and one’s deeds above others, neglect and contempt for other people, moralizing, the desire to teach, inability to admit one’s mistakes, persistence in one’s own mistakes, inability to ask for forgiveness, and much more. , in particular – resentment towards neighbors.

The study of feelings of resentment (resentment) and, in general, touchiness as a quality of the human soul is very relevant, interesting and useful. Firstly, despite the fact that resentment is one of the oldest problems, it has not lost its severity to this day. Secondly, resentment is not just a feeling, it is a whole range of feelings, a kind of psychophysiological and state of mind, characterized by stability and duration. Thirdly, in many cases, especially in everyday and non-church practice, offenses are regarded as a common, very common and completely normal phenomenon. Moreover, some people consider resentment to be the beginning of the formation of character, the development of will, the development of a sense of honor and personal dignity of a person, and the impetus for self-realization. The destructive principle contained in resentment and, like invisible radiation, corroding the human soul, is usually not taken into account. Or it is even considered a useful “vaccination” for maintaining “psychological immunity”, according to the false principle: “That heart will not learn to love that is tired of hating” (!)

Fourthly, despite the apparent simplicity of the patristic spiritual practice, in many respects it remains complex and open question O correct analysis and reasoning when searching for ways to overcome grievances, about their correct resolution from the point of view of Christian morality in general and Orthodox psychology in particular.

Fifthly, the question is important in our time also because the current ideology through means mass media(The media) intensively cultivates many false values, which are a breeding ground and a catalyst for all kinds of grievances. They are inflated in every possible way: corporate honor, the falsely understood “dignity” of the individual, self-realization at any cost, “rules of the game,” “human rights,” individualism, consumer instincts and market psychology. Numerous deviations and violations of these artificial rules and dogmas, their frequent inconsistency with each other, and the constant struggle around them give rise to a system of continuous grievances that neurotize society and divide people.

"The unpeaceful spirit that struck last years both society as a whole and many of its individual members are trying today, as it were, to legitimize some of the sins against one’s neighbor that have become habitual: vindictiveness, condemnation, mistrust, ill will, hatred.”

Believers are more stable, but grievances hinder them too, because they do not provide the correct prayer, for which they need:

• attentiveness and sincerity,
• contrition for one's sins and repentant humility,
• reconciliation with everyone and forgiveness of all offenses.

Orthodoxy today is once again becoming the core of the spiritual life of society, influencing the appearance of Russia, its traditions and way of life. Today, 75% of young people recognize Orthodoxy as the basis of Russian culture. More than 58% of young people do not agree that it will be better for Russia if the influence of the Russian Orthodox Church decreases. It is important to understand that this is the opinion of Russians aged 15 to 30, who are the future of Russian society.

8% of the study participants classified themselves as church-going Orthodox, 55% as unchurched Orthodox. 33% of young people, regardless of religion, said they positive attitude to Russian Orthodox Church and only 4% – about the negative.

The cause of harm is pride. The Holy Fathers tore this product of pride from the heart, and secular art, on the contrary, in every possible way cultivates and cultivates it under the specious signs of “pride” and “honor.” “The poet is dead! “a slave of honor,” but here Lermontov is not entirely accurate: if in his life Pushkin was sometimes a “slave of honor,” then his death was truly Christian, in repentance and forgiveness.

Another famous example is from the song: “Men, men, men led the scoundrels to the barrier!” Sounds kind of nice. But if you look at the essence, it was their pride and thirst for revenge that attracted them to the barrier. And where is the guarantee that justice will prevail in a duel?

And one more thing should be remembered: “Truly I say to you, just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me” (), - this applies not only to good deeds, but also to the evil ones. This means that the one who insults a person plays not just with fire, but with the flames of Gehenna: “And whoever says “mad” is subject to fiery Gehenna” (). By insulting a person, they insult God, and the matter of retribution is no longer in the hands of the offended, but above: “Vengeance is mine, and I will repay” (). After such a promise, the heart should not give way to resentment.

Slander also disturbs the peace of our soul; it is based on lies, exaggeration of shortcomings, distortion and reinterpretation of good deeds and qualities in a bad way. The greatest danger is not fantastic lies, but plausible slander, skillfully linked to the situation and the characteristics of the person being denigrated, and it does not matter which ones - positive, negative or neutral. Trying to refute fabrications addressed to him, a person spends a lot of energy, intelligence, and nerves, ultimately achieving a meager result, and most often, the opposite effect.

Regarding slander, Archimandrite Rafail (Karelin) writes: “U northern peoples There was a custom: when a person’s wound did not heal for a long time, festered, and worms appeared in it, then this wound was allowed to be licked by dogs. The dogs licked it with their tongues, and the wound quickly cleared. This is how slanderers, with their lips, cleanse our souls from dirt and from the pus of sins.”

Remarks are not insults, but we are intolerant of them too. Even if the remark is essentially fair, we are offended by the very fact of the remark, its form, its “tone”, and in general - “whoever makes the remark, look at yourself!” Nevertheless, we ourselves make comments to others, we like to notice the disorder in others. How can one not recall again the Savior’s Sermon on the Mount, where it speaks of the speck in another’s eye and the beam in one’s own!

It is important to remember: we are most willing to make comments and reproaches to others about precisely those sins that are characteristic of us. And vice versa, as V. Hugo said: an impeccable person does not reproach, he simply has no need to reproach, he lives on a higher spiritual level: he forgives. And he forgives for two reasons: firstly, he has love for his neighbor, and secondly, he is aware of his own imperfection.

4.3. Manifestation of neglect, contempt, increased attention to another

Reading patristic literature, we almost never come across these concepts, except that sometimes they talk about contempt for the enemy of the human race. Touching secular art or simply living in modern society, we immediately see a whole tangle of passions, where contempt and neglect often lead to worries and dramas.

A person puts you below himself, does not take you into account, and neglects your opinion. Quite rarely this is expressed openly; usually we feel hidden disdain, which is no less offensive. Neglect is expressed in the form of indifference, coldness, alienation, preference for another rather than you, and inattention to your affairs. “Here, I endure half an hour of coldness,” Chatsky is offended by Sophia; “I read mine, but didn’t even cut mine,” Treplev is bitterly annoyed with Trigorin in the play “The Seagull” by A.P. Chekhov.

“When I was not honored, not appreciated, deprived of something or humiliated, then in my soul I am indignant and condemn people who do not want to honor my idol - my “I.” I myself worship him and therefore I believe that I have the right to expect the same from those around me.”

A classic example is the parable of the prodigal son. But it’s not about him himself that we’re talking about here—it’s about his older brother. Hearing the fun in the house and learning the reason (the return of his younger brother), “he became angry and did not want to enter. His father came out and called him. But he answered his father: Behold, I have served you for so many years and have never violated your orders; but you never gave me even a kid so that I could have fun with my friends; and when this son of yours, who had squandered his wealth with harlots, came, you killed the fatted calf for him” (). Why wasn’t the eldest son happy about his brother returning to his father’s house, why was he offended? Because the place in the heart, free for joy, has already been taken by quick envy, and joy and envy cannot get along together.

A proud character prone to envy finds it difficult to bear attention to someone else and not to him. Returned prodigal son was a joy for the father and a serious test for the brother, who immediately demonstrated the whole range of sinful states of resentment: 1) pride, because “singing and rejoicing” is not in his honor; 2) anger - “he became angry and did not want to enter”; 3) condemnation - “this son of yours, who squandered his property with harlots”; 4) envy - “you slaughtered a fattened calf for him.” To this we can add disrespect for the father, and a lack of brotherly love (he says not “my brother”, but “this son is yours”), and the desire to give the offense some “social” weight: “so that I can have fun with my friends.”

It is difficult for us to endure the neglect of others because we have a very high self-esteem, which is not based on anything (except perhaps on pride). Even if a person has received some kind of education, this does not mean anything. The whole question is how you studied and what you learned. Let’s say he’s doing some kind of work—turning nuts or writing novels—then again the question is: maybe he’s working in vain, at a loss, or just amusing himself? No one seems to become happy from his work. There is nothing to be proud of! It is clear that there is no need to despair, because God does not give life in vain, but “shaking up” your pride, your ambition, and turning your gaze from your interests to the needs of other people is very beneficial.

After all, we are offended not only by neglect of our person, but also by inattention to our activities and hobbies. For example, all our walls are covered with paintings - but the guest pays zero attention! We love to talk about fishing, but a friend came and talked about his car all evening - sadness! Therefore, it is especially nice if someone shares our enthusiasm for our hobby. A good half (if not more) practical advice D. Carnegie is based precisely on such flattering tactics. In this case, possible offense is prevented by flattery - but is such a “treatment” benign?

In the novel “Dead Lake” by N.A. Nekrasov and A.Ya. Panaeva we come across an accurate observation: “An unfortunate weakness, common to many, is to attach excessive importance to what you do.” It’s useful to try this on yourself more often: am I not boring others with my interests? Mutual offenses are possible here: one imposes his own ad nauseam, offending the other person, and the latter may offend with indifference, or even reciprocal irritation. So you have to control yourself, avoid sticking out yourself and your interests and at the same time not be deaf to the interests of your neighbors. “The so-called “psychological compatibility” becomes practical for a Christian moral problem» .

In psychological and even physiological terms, the facts of neglect and repulsion can be explained very simply: sloppy appearance, unpleasant odors from the mouth, from sweating of the body, legs, an abundance of saliva, frequent expectoration sounds, sniffing through the nose, the habit of moving close to the interlocutor, during a conversation - fiddling with his button, tie, collar, the habit of interrupting the interlocutor, even agreeing with him - all this can cause irritation, disgust and reluctance to communicate.

Therefore, thanks to everyone who despises us, these are our doctors and teachers! But we ourselves will not despise others, having experienced this oppression ourselves.

4.4. Lack of measure, impudence, thoughtlessness

You can not be rude in your treatment, but at the same time keep yourself extremely close, loose in words and manners - and this violates a good, noble connection. “Speaking “you” when it would be more decent to say “you”; joke with your friends, as if in the circle of your family, choose another as if loving; make loud exclamations; use hands carelessly in conversation; interfere in everything with your judgment; reason with elders in the spirit of false freedom - all such liberties are indecent for a Christian.”

We are also offended by thoughtless actions and words that offend us and our interests when this does not correspond to our ideas and life attitudes. Behind the thoughtlessness and carelessness of a single manifestation, we tend to suspect a whole system of intrigues and intrigues built against us personally. In this sense, jealousy is rich in fabrications and fantasies; it is capable of exaggerating everything and leading to “gnashing of teeth.” Let us recall at least the internal torment of Othello or Arbenin.

Yes, we want to be treated with respect, tact, and politeness. But everyone must ask themselves honestly: do we really shine with these virtues? Do we always have delicacy, patience, restraint? Do we know how to hide our irritation and bad mood? Don’t we sometimes break down? harsh word, a caustic remark that hurts another person? Taking offense at a thoughtless word or action, are we really always “so careful, so precise”, never making mistakes, never “blurring” anything out of place? After all, “no man will live and not sin” - this applies to us personally. But we usually forgive ourselves: just think, you made a mistake! but we don’t let the other one down: no, how could he?! However, we all ask in prayer: forgive us our debts, as we do... What kind of “as we do” here!

The great host of saints shines, first of all, with their humility, meekness, and the gift of loving one’s neighbor as he is. Even secular people high culture They were, first of all, demanding of themselves and lenient towards others. A.V. Suvorov instructed: “Learn in advance to forgive the mistakes of others and never forgive your own,” “Strike the enemy with philanthropy no less than weapons.” As for unceremoniousness, this is again a test of our humility and at the same time of our dignity, if we are able to correct our neighbor’s attitude towards us without offending or being offended.

4.5. Selfishness and selfishness

If someone strives to do something in his own favor, and even at our expense, if he lives only by his own needs, and brushes off ours as frivolous (“just think, I stained his book - great trouble!”), – we This also hurts and offends. Also, quite often in idle conversations, people, usually elderly, like to amplify the significance and hardships of the past years of their lives. And the conversation on the bench in the yard turns into a kind of competition on the topic: “No, it was easier for you, but for me!..”. Other characteristic such conversations - the desire to elevate oneself and belittle others: I always acted wisely, but he was wrong; I foresaw it, but they didn’t understand... And when we get offended by this, we forget that we ourselves sometimes do the same thing. Why does someone else's egoism offend us? Firstly, if expressed openly and crudely, it violates the moral laws by which we try to live. And secondly (which happens most often), even if selfishness is outwardly invisible, we still perceive it sensitively - why? Because other people's egoism painfully hurts our own. The holy ascetics were not offended by anyone’s egoism, since it did not interfere with them - after all, they simply did not have their own egoism! Its place was taken by love for a person, no matter what he was.

And when there is no love, there is no patience for a person’s weaknesses. This is how that shell appears in people’s relationships, an egoistic scab that is very difficult to peel off and remove. Therefore, it is clear that people usually react to such an objective evil as selfishness not socially, not as members of society, but purely personally: “Why is it possible with me, but he?”, “But how can I..., but she... ?”, i.e. a person, having truly sensed the injustice in the selfish behavior of another, is not primarily concerned about the trampled public morality, but about their personal infringed interests. In such cases, self-analysis and self-control are useful in the most various forms: confidential conversation with a friend, keeping a diary, conversation with a confessor, confession, reading patristic books.

4.6. Ingratitude

At I.S. Turgenev has a prose poem about how once during a feast two beautiful ladies were presented to each other: beneficence and gratitude. They were very surprised that they had never met before! Gratitude is a property of a noble nature. We owe a lot to each other - and we owe everything to God, so, in principle, our whole life should be continuous thanksgiving. Gave it to me - thank you, received it from me - thank you too! “Every gift that is perfect is from above.”

But the trouble is that too many, too early, are seduced by the fiction of “human rights.” “Rights” are a good thing, but only if they are based on the whole scope of our responsibilities. Everyone's rights only work if everyone fulfills their responsibilities. And when duties are fulfilled somehow or not at all, the thirst for one’s rights is not quenched, then painful questions arise about the ingratitude of other people. After all, resentment at ingratitude is a thirst for gratitude. There are calculations of one’s expenses and the expected return from one’s neighbor, the price of one’s help is inflated: “I have invested so much in him!..”. In general, as they say: a penny's worth of ammunition, but a ruble's worth of ambition. And as a result, the moral picture is distorted: ingratitude outrages us not in itself, as a sin before God, but as an unrepaid debt to us, and even with interest! It turns out that we did good not disinterestedly, out of love, but as mercenaries - for pay. And - alas! – “our good deeds are often worse than evil ones, because we are proud of them and defile them. ... It happens, of course, that we do something good, but we always forget that this is not our gift to God, but, on the contrary, God, out of His love, gives us grace-filled power so that we can at least sometimes do something good. It would be natural to thank the Lord from the bottom of our hearts for this. But, blinded by pride, we attribute everything good to ourselves, to our imaginary kindness, to our fictitious righteousness. The deeds themselves remain good (someone, let’s say, cares for the sick or does good to the Church, someone works a lot, says a lot of prayers), but for eternity they are devalued by our complacency.”

4.7. Violation of obligations, refusal of a request

Of course, it’s unpleasant when they let you down, when they don’t keep their promises - and you so hoped for them... The most common discontent of this kind is between relatives; they are connected by thousands of threads, each of which, straining, painfully pulls both ends. And when the thread breaks, it seems to us that it is irreparable, that it can no longer be tied together - “why glue what is broken?” - and in despondency we repeat:

You won't recognize
and you won't help:
what didn't work out -
you can't put it together...

Refusal of a request is also unpleasant and hurts us. Without going into subtleties (is our request correct, is it appropriate, is the person capable of fulfilling it, etc.), we “push our line” in the request. Let us at least remember “how Ivan Ivanovich and Ivan Nikiforovich quarreled.” If we have been let down in some way, we feel bad. Of course, the culprit is worthy of condemnation, we believe. But this is a hasty decision. We want to live righteously, we want to manage our lives in a Christian way. Let us reveal the works of the holy fathers - and we will be convinced many times that condemnation is a sin, and the culprit is worthy, first of all, of forgiveness. How so? After all, he promised - and didn’t do it, but for us, for example, the preparation of cabbage and the trip to pick up the children fell through! And if this is also a relative, then just hold on: everything is remembered - both family responsibilities and old sins... And often because of little things, relatives become enemies. First of all, because of the inability and unwillingness to forgive, the inability to turn criticism on oneself: what am I like? And what is the tragedy? You can prepare the cabbage a week later, and go pick up the children by other means of transport, by taxi, in the end. There is nothing accidental in the world: if circumstances have developed this way, then it must be so, and the Lord will always transform our experiences into positive spiritual experience if we resort to His help. And if you just get angry, count the mistakes of your neighbors and break off relations with them, you will very soon be left in “proud” isolation, alone with your “wonderful” character. Needless to say, how terrible loneliness is without God - and it is certainly without God if you don’t know how to forgive!

4.8. Misunderstanding, insensitivity

Many of life's inconsistencies and grievances arise because people speak different languages, without trying to delve into the state of another. We live too much in our own little world and our own worries to deign to take the place of our neighbor, in his point of view - even for a moment, at least in something. In the same way, we are waiting to be understood, to sympathize with us - and in response there is deafness or the boorish fashion: “this is your problem.” The human soul is a delicate instrument, you need to touch its strings very carefully, and we often consider ourselves even more subtle than others, more elevated than others, and we demand, of course, a very careful attitude towards ourselves. Our soul responds with sharp dissonance to misunderstanding and insensitivity

This is a common reaction, but there are completely different cases. The Acts of the Apostles describes how they were once beaten, forbidding them to talk about Jesus - “they left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing that they were worthy to receive dishonor for the name of the Lord Jesus” (). It turns out that you can endure anything for the Lord’s sake. They may object: it’s a completely different scale, we are offended by an insensitive attitude in everyday life, but there it was about faith in Jesus Christ. Yes, the scale is different, but the Lord has no small affairs - “even the wing of a fly has weight, but God has precise scales.” Not forgiving someone’s insensitivity means, in the future, preparing for yourself the left place in Last Judgment: “Truly I say to you, because you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me” (). In general, resentment at someone’s insensitivity is a very sensitive and reliable indicator of one’s own insensitivity and callousness. It has long been noted that it is selfish people who most often reproach others for their inability to show sensitivity. There are many examples on this topic in the literature. Take, for example, the prose poem by I.S. Turgenev “Shchi.” With her spiritual deafness, the lady did not understand the state of the simple peasant woman, but she hastened to accuse her of insensitivity.

4.9. Difference of beliefs, opinions

People who often communicate or live together have a lot in common, and their opinions are the most various issues often coincide because they are discussed and developed jointly, emerging and strengthening in a single microclimate. And we love to receive confirmation of our own thoughts from others. But we don’t tolerate disagreement or objection well: we get nervous, irritated, indignant - in general, we get offended. Especially if we receive this from a loved one.

We all understand perfectly well that every person is unique. There are no two identical people on earth. As they say, each of us is a unique world, a “microcosm”. But we are not isolated, we communicate, become attached to someone, make friends, love, depend on someone, and someone depends on us - we need each other. And when communicating, we exchange thoughts and feelings, getting to know each other and ourselves. That is why the Lord creates our souls different, so that we all need each other. Of course, everyone enters into communication already having some life baggage, so everyone new information perceived by us in our own way, in comparison with what is already in the “library” of our soul according to this issue. Everyone has their own value system - and this is the “bibliographer” who replenishes the “funds” at his own discretion. And this often happens, especially in Lately, with the advent of the dictates of market psychology and competition, which is in our soul-“library” best shelves and the shelves are given over to our selfishness and consumerism.

And our individuality blossoms in full bloom; it is wild for us to hear someone else’s thoughts that do not agree with our views. Rejection of a different opinion is immediately personified - into hostility towards the person who expressed it. Didn't you like my soup? You don't know anything about cooking. Aren't you happy with my suit? You have bad taste. Did you not approve my article? Everything is clear - he is envious and mediocrity!

And the fact that the person may not be bad and treats us well, but he just has a different opinion, is somehow unknown to us. Our opinion seems to us the only correct one, and “whoever is not with us is against us.” Now there is resentment, and then there is enmity. It is extremely rare that we rise to the question: is it necessary for everyone to always agree with us on everything? And the answer to this question was given a long time ago by the Apostle Paul: “There must also be differences of opinion among you, so that those who are skillful may be revealed among you” (). Differences of opinion were allowed among preachers, and even more so among the flock. On the other hand, when everyone always agrees with us, we are corrupted by pride, belief in our own infallibility - a common disease of bosses.

There is one truth, but there are many paths to it. Only God knows whose path is better, and He helps everyone along the way. And it’s better for us to check our compasses rather than argue about routes. The same can be said about diversity of opinion. “The desire to insist on one’s opinion is a manifestation of pride, and not at all a sign of a strong and firm character. ... You don’t need to defend your opinion, you need to defend the truth. And the truth too rarely coincides with our opinion, especially if we insist on it.”

4.10. Non-recognition of authority, seniority, leadership.

Wayward natures love to see the action of their power, the results of the manifestation of their will, this confirms them in themselves, maintains their tone. It doesn’t matter that most often their leadership is self-proclaimed and their authority is exaggerated. Some are accustomed to being the center of attention and worship from childhood due to the costs of upbringing, others have developed the qualities of a leader in the fight against difficulties, others combine these sides or have somehow managed to subjugate the will of others - but everyone worries when their influence is threatened , power, authority. After all, it seems to them that order emanates from them, that they know how to do and what is necessary, that they are even responsible for others - and suddenly these “others” (what audacity, what stupidity!) dare not to obey, to doubt the “good” management!.. Offended? Certainly. Let us remember how unbridled, to the point of moral sadism, Foma Fomich Opiskin reveled in power in his provincial little world (F.M. Dostoevsky “The Village of Stepanchikovo and Its Inhabitants”), how Marya Aleksandrovna Moskaleva worried about losing her leadership in “Uncle’s Dream.” And with what wild hatred they burned against the one in whom they perceived a threat to their primacy and authority!

All these things: seniority, leadership, and authority are nothing more than attributes of power, the power of one person over another or others. Undoubtedly, maintaining such primacy requires some moral or psychological strength, therefore leaders, as a rule, are strong-willed natures. Where there is a lack of talent, they take it with perseverance; if there is no special intelligence, they use a lively and caustic tongue, caustic ridicule, popular speech cliches, to which you don’t even want to object. And while a person goes up, getting involved in everything and showing at least some responsibility, they willingly give in to him. But once authority has been won, authority often begins to be replaced by autocracy and dictatorship. In general, power, like fame, is a terrible thing; few have emerged with honor from the temptation of “copper pipes”!.. Both Foma Fomich Opiskin and Marya Aleksandrovna Moskaleva are extreme cases, but literary images– bright and grotesque. In life, everything is more ordinary, more vulgar, more primitive. The rejected authority suffers deeply, his resentment takes root, develops into isolation, coldness, hostility, and sometimes into hatred, he rejects all attempts at reconciliation, naturally, without considering himself guilty at all. Moreover, he is strengthened in thoughts about human “ungratefulness”, “insensitiveness”, selfishness, callousness, etc.

As we see, this serious type of grievance can combine all of the above. This is where will and faith are required to cry out with all the strength of the heart: “Lord, help me overcome my demonic pride!” “Whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant; and whoever wants to be first among you, let him be your slave” (), - this is the answer of the Lord.

4.11. Refusal of help, leaving care

Leadership may or may not exist, but when a former ward shows independence and dares to refuse help, this also hurts our pride. Often we are unaware that the need for care has objectively disappeared, and our help has become unnecessary and even intrusive and burdensome. But we would like to maintain the status quo no matter what, because this secretly flatters us - they say, what unselfish guardians of virtues we are!

This question is often associated with non-recognition of seniority (guardian or helper), but the very fact of refusing help or neglecting help is important and independent. Of course, to neglect or refuse when help is needed and offered in a timely and disinterested manner is sinful. This is seen as both stupidity and pride. But it’s also a sin to be offended by this: if they don’t want to, don’t, step aside. You never know why they don’t want to! There are a lot of reasons, but it’s difficult to understand someone else’s heart. For all your time. To paraphrase Ecclesiastes, we can say: there is a time to help - and a time to stop helping, a time to look after - and a time to give freedom. The process becomes avalanche-like and irreversible as obsession grows: the more intrusive the help, the more intense the refusal - and the more painful the resentment. But isn’t there hidden behind the resentment at the refusal of help a subtle, eager hope to bind a person to yourself with this very help and live in his eternal gratitude and dependence, stroking his pride? This is also a well-known argument from life. It is no coincidence that, having been refused help, we often exclaim: “Look, how proud we are!” - and this is the literal truth, because it is we who often feed our own pride. No, “let not your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you openly” ().

4.12. Resentment towards the offended

Worldly pride, among its various manifestations, is sometimes proven and revealed by anger at the one to whom injustice has been done, and the expectation that he himself begs for forgiveness - a relatively rare, but surest sign of pride, i.e. we are offended by the reaction of the person we have offended, and this reaction is not necessarily aggressive or hostile towards us - but we are still dissatisfied, considering this reaction “wrong”, “inadequate”. For example, a mother rudely reprimanded her son for a minor offense, he became offended and withdrawn, and she, seeing disobedience and hostility in this, became even more angry and resentful: “Look! Offended! Who are you offended by? Are you offended by your mother?!” This is both an insult to the offended person and an example of mutual insult. Another, more subtle, situation is also quite common: the offender expects the usual response of irritation, anger from his victim, and is ready to continue the war - and suddenly not a word in response, humility and kindness! In one ironic poem by A.K. Tolstoy has a very correct remark about this: “Good for evil is a corrupted heart - ah! will not forgive." The words of Dmitry Karamazov can also be to some extent an explanation: “She cannot forgive me that I surpassed her in nobility.” Very indicative in this regard is the story of A. Platonov “Yushka”, the hero of which, with his meekness, aroused anger among the townsfolk.

Resentment towards the offended is a sign of strong, developed pride and at the same time an indication that pride itself is a complex phenomenon, sometimes very sophisticated. If, for example, “pride-exaltation” is visible in an offense at insensitivity, then the reason for resentment towards the offended person may be a kind of “pride-envy”, perhaps the most terrible and self-destructive for the individual.

It can be assumed with a high degree of probability: in such cases, the feeling of envy of the offended person comes from an intuitive or explicit awareness that the offended person is not like him, that the offended person is morally superior to him. It would seem that one should rejoice that the Lord sends such a person to the offender - but no, pride does not allow it! An honest answer to the question to yourself can clarify the situation: what exactly did he do to me that I was offended by? However, we must admit that often a person who is in a state of resentment towards the offended person is simply not able to ask himself such a question or, being very irritated and considering himself right, does not consider it necessary to think about it.

In the already mentioned story by A. Platonov “Yushka”, a similar situation developed in this way: “Adults experienced evil grief or resentment; or they were drunk, then their hearts were filled with fierce rage. Seeing Yushka walking to the forge or through the yard to spend the night, an adult said to him: “Why are you so blessed, so different, walking around here? What do you think is so special?” And after a conversation during which Yushka was silent, the adult became convinced that Yushka was to blame for everything, and immediately beat him.”

5. Ways to overcome resentment

We can continue to provide numerous examples of the causes of all kinds of grievances, but we hope that the main ones are still indicated - according to the “degree of severity”. Let us also take into account the fact that, as a rule, there are no clearly defined reasons for grievances in their “pure” form; most often, any reason causes a whole complex of grievances, each of which starts from its own specific reason, seen in the primary reason by the offended party (reasons which, by the way, the offender may not even be aware of).

Let's take, for example, a quarrel between former friends and colleagues: Troekurov and old Dubrovsky (A.S. Pushkin “Dubrovsky”). At first glance, there is no direct correspondence to this case in our classification. However, it is not difficult to see here both an insult (an incident at the kennel), and non-recognition of authority, and neglect, and even betrayal (of an old friendship). As we see, the reasons for human grievances are so diverse, sophisticated and insidious that one must possess the truly powerful full armor of God in order to withstand all the intricately woven reasons for grievances. Here we need “the belt of truth, and the armor of righteousness, and the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit” ().

Meanwhile, unfortunately, there is a whole layer of people who simply live by grievances; they cannot do otherwise, because they are accustomed to operating with inflated demands on others and very low demands on themselves. And since the demands keep growing, but their implementation does not come, a pathological background of resentment of the egoistic nature towards everything and everyone arises. “They are going known principles: “the whole world lies in evil”, “man is a wolf to man”, “everyone dies alone” and other similar self-justifications. I just want to say in a simple way: well, don’t lie in evil! don't be a wolf! don't die alone! He won't listen. I'm used to it. Stuck. Moreover, it’s convenient. When such an “offended” person starts up in a family or team, then everyone around him is somehow embarrassed, embarrassed, feels some kind of “guilt” and awkwardness in front of him, sometimes fawns over him, embarrasses themselves in some way, respecting his “vulnerability.” And he is secretly happy, receiving a moral advantage, taking all this for granted and strengthening in his “resentment.”

You often hear the opinion: “Oh, she’s so vulnerable!”, “He’s so vulnerable!” - in other words, it is tacitly assumed that you can be rude and rude to us - we, the primitive ones, will endure it, but he ( or she) - the structure is thin, fragile, the slightest thing - it gets offended. However, according to numerous observations, “vulnerability” is nothing more than a well-developed touchiness, nothing more. Let us think: were the saints “vulnerable”? The question is absurd. First of all, they were not touchy, they didn’t even know what hurt was, they knew how to forgive - and the question of “vulnerability” didn’t even arise: “They weren’t embarrassed and didn’t shout!” We can say: everyone is vulnerable to one degree or another, but few know how to be inoffensive.

In general, non-offensiveness is truly a gift from God, a great rarity among people (we, of course, are not talking about pathological insensitivity, “thick-skinnedness”). For example, F.M. Dostoevsky wrote about Alyosha Karamazov: “I never remembered the insult. It happened that an hour after the offense he answered the offender or spoke to him himself with such a trusting and clear look, as if nothing had happened between them at all. And it’s not that he pretended that he accidentally forgot or deliberately forgave the offense, but simply did not consider it an offense (my italics - N.P.), and this decisively captivated and conquered the children.”

The issue of forgiving the offense and the offender is very difficult. We often say: “I have forgiven everything, but I cannot forget” or “I have forgiven, but forgetting is beyond my strength.” But let’s imagine: what if the Lord says to us at the Last Judgment: “I forgive, but I will not forget” - will this be forgiveness? And can the Lord say that? In the earthly life of Jesus Christ, people only heard: “Your sins are forgiven”, “Your faith has saved you”, “And I do not condemn you” - and not once - that he has forgiven, but will not forget.

As for the home atmosphere, we can recommend the following. First of all, it is advisable not to let the situation lead to resentment. And of course, fight grievances within yourself. It is also important to try to understand the causes of conflicts with your children. A child can and should endure sorrows - this is the path of all people, but the result of children's experiences should be a spiritual experience, and not heart-corrosive grievances. “It is necessary to draw children’s attention to their inner world, to teach them to delve into the mental state of other people, to put themselves in the place of the offended person, to feel what he should feel.” And the most important thing is not to encourage self-love, vanity, pride, or narcissism. Caring more about others than about oneself. And pronounce the verb “offended” about yourself, repentantly, and never use its reflexive form “offended.” A very important form of combating touchiness is the almost completely lost atmosphere of home conversations, family oral reading, When moral issues and the collisions of what we read are intertwined with life, discussed and sorted out together. No less important in family life the habit of asking each other for forgiveness and even such a seemingly trifle as wishing each other good morning and good night.

Conclusion

1. The state of resentment in the mental sense is abnormal, in spiritual sense- sinful.
2. The sinfulness of resentment is complex, complex, and necessarily contains pride.
3. Overcoming the state of resentment (and resentment in general) is a necessity moral life Christian.
4. Overcoming resentment is possible only with the help of God.

The main conclusion can be formulated this way: resentment is grumbling against the Lord, desecration of the image of God in man: both in himself and in the offender. This is a terrible moral burden, a severe temptation - therefore the duty of a Christian is not to lead relationships to offense, first of all, not to offend a person, but to uproot his personal resentment. To do this, it is necessary to navigate the main causes of grievances, identify the mechanism of action of each cause in oneself, and widely use patristic spiritual practice to overcome grievances, their consequences, and resentment itself.

List of used literature

1. Priest Sergius Nikolaev. If you were offended. – M. Danilovsky Blagovestnik, 1998.

2. Philokalia. T.2. – M.: Typo-Lithography by I. Efimov, 1895.

3. Archbishop John of San Francisco (Shakhovskoy). Apocalypse of Petty Sin. – St. Petersburg: St. Petersburg Blagotv. total in the name of St. Apostle Pavla, 1997.

4. Ilyin E.P. Emotions and feelings. – St. Petersburg: “Peter”, 2001.

5. Archimandrite Ambrose (Yurasov). About faith and salvation. Questions and answers. – Ivanovo: Holy Entry. wives mon., 1998.

6. Mental states / Comp. and general ed. L.V.Kulikova. – St. Petersburg: “Peter”, 2001.

7. Archpriest. Moral theology for the laity. – M.: ed. Donskoy mon., “Rule of Faith”, 1994.

8. Shevandrin N.I. Social Psychology in education. – M.: “VLADOS”, 1995.

9. “How many times should I forgive my brother...” / newspaper “ Unexpected joy"December 26, 1997. - Gatchina: ed. Pavlovsk Cathedral.

10. Archpriest Vl. Sveshnikov. Essays on Christian Ethics. – M.: “Palomnik”, 2000.

11. Polovinkin A.I. Orthodox spiritual culture. – M.: “Ed. VLADOS-PRESS", 2003.

12. Horney Karen. Collection of works in 3 volumes. Volume 3. Ours internal conflicts. Neurosis and personality development. – M.: “Sense”, 1997.

13. Priest Konstantin Ostrovsky. Life is equal to eternity. Lessons of salvation. – Krasnogorsk: Assumption Church, 1998.

14. Avva Dorotheos. Teachings, messages, questions, answers. Rep. – M.: MTC “AKTIS”, 1991.

15. The path to perfect joy. Comp. A. Rakov, B. Semenov. – St. Petersburg: JSC “SPb Printing House No. 6”, 1996.

16. Reverend Father Abba John. Ladder. - St. Petersburg: Tikhv. Usp. husband. mon., 1995.

17. Spiritual flowers, or extracts from the writings of the ascetic fathers about spiritual life. – Moscow-Riga: Blagovest, 1995.

18. Saint John Chrysostom. Featured Conversations. – M.: Orthodox. Brotherhood of St. ap. John the Theologian, 2001.

19. Pozdnyakov N.I. Our grievances. / “Morskaya Gazeta” 4, September 11, 1999 – St. Petersburg – Kronstadt: ed. LenVMB.

20. Orthodox prayer book. – M.: “Father's House”, 2002.

21. Archimandrite Raphael (Karelin). Sermons. - M.: ed. Moscow sub St.-Tr.-Serg. Laurels, 1997.

22. Sukhinina N.E. Kebab for big brother. "Russian House" No. 6, 2003.

23. Platonov A.P. Origin of the master. Stories, stories. Comp. M.A. Platonov. – Kemerovo: Kemerovo book publishing house, 1977.

24. Dostoevsky F.M. Brothers Karamazov. – M.: “ Fiction", 1988.

25. About faith and morality according to the teachings of the Orthodox Church. Digest of articles. – M.: ed. Moscow Patr., 1991.

26. Enter into my joy. Devout Reflections Orthodox Christian about your soul. – M.: “Lamp”, 1996.

27. Vasilevskaya V. Ushinsky’s teaching on education / in the book: S.S. Kulomzin. Our Church and our children. – M.: “Martis”, 1993.

N.I. Pozdnyakov Senior Researcher at the Naval Institute of Radio Electronics named after. A.S.Popova

Printed by decision of the Research Laboratory
Christian (Orthodox) pedagogy of the State Educational Institution of Higher Professional Education of the Russian State Pedagogical University named after. A.I. Herzen
Pokrovsky educational and educational leaflets. Issue 29, St. Petersburg: NESTOR, 2008. – 26 p. ISSN 5-303-00204-7 © Nestor

Or they contribute to life’s failures. This article will be devoted to touchiness - a quality that rarely benefits a person in relationships with people and can bring all successful endeavors to naught.

Resentment and touchiness - what are the differences between them?

It is known that a person gets offended when reacting to unfair or unexpected actions of people close to him, for example, when their words differ from their deeds and they did not do what they promised. The reasons for resentment are different, and we can be offended at the most different people: both on your relatives (for example, when a child is unhappy that his mother did not buy him a car), and on friends (they let him down at a crucial moment), and even on his boss for not paying his salary on time.

Resentment is a natural, demonstrative reaction: we want to show the one who offended us that he was wrong, and thereby ensure that he does not repeat such actions. Good man When he sees that he has offended another, he tries to correct what happened and prove that he was wrong. The enemies will only rejoice at our grievances and continue to plot against us. Is it worth being offended by them, much less showing them your resentment?

Despite the fact that a slight demonstrative feeling of resentment regulates human relationships, it is advisable to restrain it within oneself. Only best friends can show resentment mutually, because their playful and somewhat humorous dissatisfied tone will not be considered a sign of a quarrel.

Touchiness is a person’s readiness to be offended constantly, when he should and when he shouldn’t, this, one might say, is a chronic offense. In this case, you should worry about psychological condition such a person.

Causes of touchiness

Basically, even in childhood, a tendency to be touchy may manifest itself, especially if such people are often offended. In adults, increased sensitivity arises from their lack of self-confidence, in their own goals, from. They may doubt their abilities and knowledge, have an insufficiently clear position in life, not take responsibility for their actions, but blame everything on others, and be suspicious.

Touchiness often lasts temporarily due to negative events, then it passes. For example, with increased fatigue, we react even to normal situations with irritation and resentment. On the other hand, if the habit of being offended did not sit deep in a person’s subconscious, it would not manifest itself during times of fatigue. It is difficult to imagine a positive reason for the feeling of resentment.

Often one person becomes offended in order to attract another. For example, a girl of a guy she likes (in certain situations, of course). Dangerous! Such touchiness becomes a character trait over time.

They are also used to. However, this is more like deceiving and using a person. One is offended, sulking, and the second looks, regrets, tries to do something good to calm him down.

Excessive touchiness arises from a series of difficult events for us that all happen at the same time. It is difficult for a person to control himself in such conditions. After all, they exhaust us mentally, and it takes some time to restore our strength.

One of the reasons for touchiness is a person’s desire to become a leader, to expand the scope of his own independence and freedom. A very touchy person will not be able to gain authority in the area he needs and communicate freely with people. In this case, you should restrain yourself, get used to any obstacles and not find fault with the little things in life.

Consequences of touchiness

It’s not for nothing that many say that resentment is one of the worst feelings, which is directly related to, i.e. sin. It’s not for nothing that we get offended when our pride is hurt. This internal state is not in vain: touchy people are more likely to lose friends or family, they often “infect” others with their behavior. If one person is offended by another, then the other will also be offended in return. This is how human relationships collapse. For example, once best friends may not communicate for a very long time after such an insult.

Resentment causes misunderstanding between loving people, family conflicts. Eg, married couples often collapse precisely because of it. By harboring a grudge, we throw out negative emotions on those around us. And these may turn out to be close people who are not to blame for our poor condition.

Increased sensitivity creates negativity, dissatisfaction with life, it seems that everything around is bad and there is no bright spot. Excessive touchiness does not allow you to positively perceive the world and feel all the delights of life and perceive the love of loved ones. He complains about Bad mood, nervous. Indeed, how can you live a normal life if there is a lot of negativity inside?

Feeling resentful and touchy negatively affect business, business and career growth. Not only do grievances undermine you from the inside, depriving you of strength and not giving you strength, but overt touchiness also shows you from the bad side. A touchy person not only loses friends and loved ones, but his behavior alienates colleagues and partners. Few people would like to deal and work with a person who is always offended over trifles.

Strong resentment can cause serious illness. She is like an invisible harmful force that torments our body and depletes it. Therefore it is necessary as soon as possible. Then we will look at the world with joy and attract more positive events to ourselves.

Do you consider yourself a touchy person? If you don’t know what to answer - .

Keywords these people - “exactly, equally, fairly”: any deviation from what in his feelings seems correct and fair causes severe psychological discomfort in such a person.

You can't kill first
Then whisper: “I didn’t do it on purpose!”
You can't betray all the time,
Then pray: “I’ll get better, for sure!”
You can't run away cowardly
Having said that he went out for a minute.
You can't come back and pretend
That everything remains the same as before,
After all, life does not stand still!
EVERYONE IS ALWAYS REWARDED FOR EVERYTHING!
Olga Klimchuk

Resentment is the curse of man; little by little it destroys our lives, but we don’t even notice it. Sometimes we confidently say that no, we are not offended at all, while unconsciously resentment guides our every action, every thought, forming a certain life scenario, where there is no room for trust and joy.

UNCONSCIOUS GEOMETRY: HOSTAGES OF STRAIGHT LINES

Resentment arises in only one vector - . The reason for its appearance lies in the peculiarities of the psyche of a person with an anal vector. The unconscious geometry of comfort in the anal vector is a square. Figuratively speaking, this is the template by which he subjectively (unconsciously) evaluates the world. The anal square is the key to a three-dimensional understanding of both this vector and its carriers.

The key words of such people are “EXACTLY, EQUALLY, FAIRLY”, these concepts clearly reflect the direction of their thoughts. The square has a rigid structure, the slightest deviation of even one of its edges immediately breaks it, creating a distortion in the entire square. So it is in the psyche of an anal person: any deviation from what seems correct and fair in his feelings causes severe psychological discomfort in its bearer.

Any negativity towards an anal person, be it a word or an action, instantly causes. Resentment awakens, the person withdraws, and the mood deteriorates. From that second he is a thundercloud, swelling with indignation: “This is not fair to me! How could he! I only give him good things, and in return this is what!..”

Unconscious measurements have been made, the psychic square is skewed. And this huge internal discomfort triggers the alignment mechanism. They did something bad to me, now I have to compensate for it with the same action in order to regain my psychological comfort. The concept of revenge is only in the anal vector. In a sense, revenge is the desire to level the mental square.

Everything becomes more complicated when the resentment is multiplied by time. Alas, time does not heal resentment, quite the opposite. Time, drop by drop, only pushes the negative imbalance deeper, increasing the initial size of the “price” that the offender must pay in order to mental condition the anus has leveled out. If at the very beginning, as a rule, it is enough for the offender to sincerely ask for forgiveness, then after a short time his “guilt” grows so much that it becomes almost impossible to compensate for it. All participants become hostages of the offense, and the relationship will never be the same.

COME FROM CHILDHOOD

Childhood, without exaggeration, is the most critical time for an anal sufferer, the most favorable environment. And there's a reason for this. An anal person has an innate program to accumulate and transmit information over time. Everything he encounters is important to him as an experience, especially what happens for the first time. Childhood is one big first experience that has an impact on your entire life.

We can say that these are people of the past, because it is there that they are called upon to collect information (time-tested! How could it be otherwise?) in order to pass it on to the next generation. Therefore, everything that happened yesterday, for them, in sensations, is better than what is happening today, and the future is a continuous projection of the past. Yesterday everything was better: the water is wetter, the sky is bluer, and people are kinder... not objectively, but because the psyche is like this: without asking us, it transfers the past into the future. The past is the standard for everything, the basis of the worldview!

The first experience turns out to be decisive. This is the peculiarity of anal people - to draw conclusions in advance, to generalize, based on their first experience. If in childhood a boy was sprayed with anal anal by a passing cyclist and had the audacity not to apologize, then rest assured that the boy will subsequently carry within himself a resentment not only for a specific person, but also for all cyclists, whom he will be ready to indiscriminately accuse of all sins just for the fact availability of a bicycle.

And so with any experience. First woman... first employer... first friend - the list can be endless.

MOTHER OF ANAL - MOTHER OF RESULTS

The role of a mother in the life of an anal person is difficult to overestimate. Mom is his stronghold, the core on which the whole world rests. After all, an anal child, due to the characteristics of his psyche - special helplessness and ignorance - is more dependent on his mother than other children. Communication with the mother is an indispensable basis for the development of an anal child; there is unconditional trust in her. She is his everything: the guarantor of his survival, the creator of the first experience, and the main operator of the psychic square. Well, then everything is very simple. If mom intuitively understands the principle of his psyche, then he is lucky, if not, then... .

Anal children are very obedient. Such children, unconsciously measuring in “equal” categories, believe that by giving obedience, they can get pleasure in the form of praise and security, which they so need. We perform some action and definitely expect a response from reverse side. If our positive effort is not equalized by the same positive action in response, resentment arises - we were under-delivered, underestimated: .

For an anal child, mother is associated with everything outside world. Therefore, a child’s resentment towards his mother, accumulating, is transferred at a conscious age into a resentment towards the world. The feeling of security that was not received in childhood is projected onto the entire world around us, and a claim and suspicion towards everything arises. Excessive demands, encountering the misunderstanding of others, provoke a worsening of negative states, until the internal distortion reaches a critical point, and the anal sufferer himself goes to take what was not given to him. His revenge in this case can be terrible.

FIRST LOVE AS A VERDICT

For an anal person, family is everything! There is a deep metaphysical meaning behind this. Being the guardian of the cave and taking care of the safety of his fellow tribesmen is his primitive species role. There is no statute of limitations for psychic programs, and this pattern is still observed today. Carriers anal vector- these are homebodies, caring husbands, best fathers and the owners. They provide us with a reliable rear and home.

Even at the outset, just in thinking about their first relationships with the opposite sex, the topic of family is already idealized for them. Anal people are looking for a relationship that will last a lifetime! The ability to divide everything into clean and dirty determines the choice; a girl should simply be a saint in every sense - pure, immaculate.

Here again there are two traps for the anal sex. Firstly, he transfers his relationship with his mother to relationships with women in general. And if in childhood these key relationships were not the standard of mutual understanding, then a greater or lesser distortion of the anal square psyche is guaranteed. Over time, the resentment towards the mother reaches enormous proportions. This resentment will determine everything later life, and the desire for destructive alignment will take place already in a relationship with a woman.

Let us remember that this is an unconscious process, and the anal sex does not control it, he is simply driven by this state, which means that he will subconsciously look for relationships where he can confirm the existing negative image of women. Unconsciously, he will introduce claims into the relationship with a woman that she will never be able to satisfy, expectations that she will never be able to meet. Obsession with one’s own ideals, with the long-gone past leads, sooner or later, to the collapse of relationships...

Revenge, obvious or not, will be a constant component of relationships with offended person. This is compensation - his way to even out an old resentment: “They did something bad to me, and now I’m doing something bad - equally.”

Resentment. One of the most understandable emotions to us. We have all been offended in one way or another in this life, and each of us has offended someone. Many lives distorted by resentment, many destroyed relationships, damaged destinies. Probably everyone would like to rewrite many pages in their life and erase the pain they have suffered from it. For this purpose, many people come to see a psychotherapist and ask: conduct a hypnosis session so that I don’t remember what happened. However, amnesia is not a panacea. It is much better to understand the origins, roots of this feeling, understand how to live it and free yourself from emotional baggage. This is exactly what we will do with you. Resentment is a state inherent childhood, it is there that it originates, and then accompanies us throughout life. At the same time, resentment is a normal human feeling. IN Everyday life this feeling arises when events occur that are unplanned by us, something unpleasant happens to us. Suddenly life doesn’t go according to the route or plan we would like. We don’t know how to deal with this, we are not ready for such a turn of events, we want to protect ourselves from the situation, from circumstances, and as a defensive reaction a feeling of resentment arises.

So, resentment is a natural reaction that we will periodically experience. Those. Even when engaging in spiritual practice, it is impossible to completely free ourselves from this feeling; another question is that we can learn to control it, but deep down in our souls, sometimes we will be hurt and wounded. Otherwise, we must become emotionless robots.

However, there is another concept - touchiness, that is, a chronic state of resentment. What you and I definitely need to free ourselves from is touchiness as a quality of character. Touchiness- this concept is more mental, this is already a state of mind. And this is already a diagnosis, this is already a reason for concern.

Psychologists say that touchiness is a manifestation of a child’s ego state. That is, on the outside we may be 30 or 60, but on the inside we may feel like a 5-year-old scared child or a rebellious teenager. It is said that there is always a child inside each of us, regardless of our age. And this child is either happy or lonely inside us. Sometimes it is he who makes decisions for us, produces emotional outbursts, unpredictable behavior, and it is he who is able to easily learn and find the most incredible creative solutions. The child inside us will always continue to live, and the more interesting he is in this world, the more interesting it will be for you and me. We will never kill our inner child, thank God. We need to create comfortable conditions for his development.

But in addition to the inner child, who influences us subconsciously, there must be a mature personality at the level of consciousness, which, in fact, controls life. Thus, a mature person is able, after a moment when the mind is clouded by emotions, to continue the conversation. A mature person in an adult state can say: “Sorry, please, your words were painful for me. I think you didn’t want to offend me?!” A seemingly simple phrase. Please tell me, if they say such a phrase to you, even if you had malicious intent to offend, what emotions does it evoke? Even if we assume that you are such a demonic creature, your goal is to offend people. There are practically no such personalities in life. More often we offend accidentally, subconsciously, without setting ourselves the goal of offending. But if you hear such words, remorse and shame will invariably come. It’s natural because you think: “Oh my God, of course not. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. You didn't understand me at all. I would like to clarify for you.” And then, having clarified the situation, you can understand the essence, without offense. This is already a function of an adult, this is a function of the mind. When resolving a situation this way, we really want to hear the person.

Unfortunately, in most cases we do not want to hear each other, we only want to hear ourselves and the point of view that somehow coincides with ours. But if we want to show respect for a person, we must clarify the situation, even if his words cause us pain. I indicate my desire to clarify the situation - this is the function of a mature person.

It is very important to learn to label your feelings. And you need to learn this in the “I-message” model. More often we say “you-messages”. We say: “You annoy me, you bother me, you act this way or that way.” Those. We always begin our speech with the pronoun “You”, and almost never say “I”.

What does “I-message” mean? When I talk about my feelings and my wishes, starting with the pronoun “I”. For example, I say: “I now feel pain” or “I now feel a wave of irritation boiling up in me”, or “I now feel that fear is emerging in me, I am developing mistrust.” I give an account of what I feel in this moment time. It is very important to understand that we always feel something.

Another question is that we were not trained in this. At the “Windows into the Child’s World” seminar, where I teach parents conscious parenting, I always ask parents to identify feelings for the child at the time of his emotional reactions, in this way we help our child get acquainted with the world of emotions and feelings. I'm talking about the fact that during the period when a child is small, he does not understand what is happening to him, he needs to be told. He needs to label his feelings and emotions. For example, a child stomps his feet, and we say - I see how angry you are, how something doesn’t suit you. Those. we indicate this, and the child understands that his mother is not frightened by his behavior, his mother is not annoyed by it. More often in life, parents shout at their child: “Shut up now! Otherwise I’ll put you in a corner...” That is. begin to get irritated, while completely ignoring the child’s emotions. And the child then clamps down on his emotions. But since he is a living being, he continues to experience them. He begins to experience them in a very strange way.

There are 4 basic emotions that a person experiences:

• sadness
• joy
• fear
• anger.

I ask you to think about which of these emotions was forbidden to you as a child? We will talk about this now. And we will see how, from the fact that we were prohibited from the natural manifestation of our feelings and emotions, what happens as a result.

Sadness. Who was forbidden to show sadness as a child? Those. when you were sad, they told you: “Why are you making such a face, stop it!” You were not allowed to be in a sad mood. Either they distracted me somehow, or entertained me, or did something, but sadness was forbidden.

It is interesting that the forbidden emotion is replaced by some other emotion, the so-called racket emotion. Have you heard the concept of racketeering? So there is an emotional racket. I begin to exploit another emotion, which is allowed, which is welcomed in our family. I can say that this story is about me. Sorrow was forbidden in our house. The alternative was joy. That is, if a person was sad in our family, then this was not welcomed. Joy was welcomed, and this was manifested in the following way. There is a life scenario called “make others happy.” Those. people who live according to this scenario, in any company, immediately begin to joke, joke, and somehow cheer everyone up. As soon as a company appears, they begin to work as cultural entertainers. I must say that this is a wonderful ability, but it’s bad when you do it with virtually no choice. This is your forced behavior, your forced behavior to turn everyone on. You just can't have someone sitting there sad. You definitely need to make the sad person laugh.

On this occasion there is good joke. One person comes to see a psychotherapist and says: “You know, I have suicidal depression. I just can't live! Help me, please, I feel unbearably bad!” Psychotherapist: “Sorry, but my appointment is finished for today. But I can invite you to the circus with me. I'm just getting ready for the show. Such a wonderful troupe came to our city, there is such a wonderful clown!” To which the patient replies: “You see, doctor, I am exactly this clown!”

There are people among us who, due to their profession, are such “buffoons”, similar to Mikhail Zhvanetsky. If you ask their loved ones what they are like in everyday life, then, as a rule, they are very prone to depression. But as soon as they see the viewer, as soon as they see the view from the outside, they begin to depict something. They remember this look from childhood, this is the look of their mom or dad. And therefore, now any look addressed to you is a reason for the manifestation of artistic abilities. For those around him, such a person is very attractive, the life of the party. He is invited everywhere and it’s fun to be with him. But another problem is who would cheer him up. Because his condition is not really rosy, even when he smiles. I had one girl undergo breathing therapy. Deep breathing therapy is used to clear the subconscious. You breathe deeply, focus on your breathing, do not control the situation, special music plays. The girl cried during therapy, but in parallel with her tears, she had a wide smile on her face. It was a grimace of laughter. A person had such a condition. People around him will never believe that such a merry fellow could have problems.

Anger. If anger has been forbidden to you, very often it is replaced by fear as a racket. Such people are often quiet, silent, prefer to be on the sidelines, do not like to open up, etc. Why? They are actually afraid. Because, with deep enough contact, they begin to feel how “something” rises from within. They are afraid of this “something” and prefer to move away. Anger actually rises. And therapy for such people will go through experiencing anger, through letting go of anger. They had a real reason to be angry, they had every reason to be angry. And they were simply banned. And to prohibit a person from experiencing natural emotions means to suppress them. Man is a kind of life that can transform emotions. You and I can transform sadness into joy, resentment into gratitude. Gives a lot of opportunities human form life, but only at the level of the mind. If emotions are simply suppressed, then the person from the outside looks like he is in control of his emotions. But in reality he is simply afraid of them. He is afraid to show them, to live them. The fear that I will now fall into some uncontrollable situation leads to the fact that we simply avoid these feelings. This again is a racket emotion.

Joy. Let's talk about joy. In many families this emotion is prohibited, especially in Rus'. “Laughter for no reason is a sign of a fool.” “You will laugh a lot, you will cry a lot.” We have slogans that are simply passed down from generation to generation like a script. You can see that family cliché of sadness on your face. Mom is like that, grandma is like that and daughter is like that. It's like Pierrot. Let me give you an example from practice. Once a woman came to me for a consultation. She was very worried that the children did not want to communicate with her and were trying to run away from home. When she walked in, it felt like “a tear rolled down.” Perhaps children have a different scenario, they don’t want to be sad? Nowadays children are very literate. When parents give advice, children often advise their parents to take advantage of it themselves. They are not inspired by their parents’ sad appearance or their “success” in life. “What right do you have to tell me how to be happy, I see that you are unhappy,” the daughter says to her mother. Really, how can we make other people happy if we walk around with sad faces all the time?

Fear was very often prohibited in childhood, especially for men. "Boys never cry." In fact, boys are afraid too. But despite all his feelings, he must be a fearless robot. Wives only expect from their husbands right decisions, but sometimes a man is scared, he can cry too. This is fine. If a man doesn't trust himself to have these feelings, he will forbid you to experience them. A man who did not feel his tears, when you cry, he will fall into a stupor, he will pretend that he does not see. And it will be easier for him to leave home. Because something incomprehensible will happen in his heart, and he will become scared.

In such a case, when certain emotions are not realized naturally, the marriage relationship becomes problematic. A person does not know what he feels, what he experiences.

And so, these are the main emotions and they are actually important. And we talked about how a person always feels something. And each of us needs to understand how I feel at a given moment in time. Because very often, when asked what you feel, a person says: “I think I feel fear, for example, or anger... That is. he has established contact with the mind, with the mental function of the mind, and contact with emotional function my mind is completely out of tune. First he will think, then he will feel.

It is easier for some people to do something than to feel something. In this case, they begin to ask what to do? “I felt that this was forbidden to me, this was forbidden, what should I do?” You need to learn to feel, not to do, I note. You don't need to do anything. We've already done so much, we could relax. We need to learn the inner life, because we have already learned the outer life. We have done a lot of necessary and unnecessary things, now we need to get in touch with ourselves, get in touch with our inner world and really feel what I’m feeling now. Sometimes it’s difficult to describe it in one word. Because our feelings are deeper, wider.

We can simply say anger. But if you ask 5 angry people who are currently in a state of anger to describe their anger, you will get exactly 5 versions. One will say: “I have a feeling that right now I’m filling up like a hot ball. I have a feeling that this whole ball is about to explode and lava will pour out of it.” Another will say: “I feel like I’m being squeezed from the inside, I’m becoming a compressed lump. And this lump becomes harder, harder, harder.” It turns out that anger can be different. And the third will say: “Everything inside me is pounding, it feels like waves are rolling.”

We need to study and understand such points. For example, a person made some decision, he said some words to you. From your point of view, these words are offensive. Moreover, he said it in an offensive intonation. And you were offended by him, and you can carry this feeling of resentment for who knows how long. But if before that he told you: “You know, I’m completely shrunk inside right now. In fact, I am now so small and made of iron. And I feel so uncomfortable inside myself. I can’t breathe at all.” He indicated his feelings; will his words or intonation offend you in this case?

We don’t know how to define ourselves; moreover, we are not interested in others. Neither by yourself nor by others. It’s unclear what kind of life we ​​have. How we come into contact with each other is completely unclear. We have to learn to get in touch with ourselves.

Learn to keep a diary when you have emotional condition, describe this state, your feelings, starting with the words “as if...” It will be more clear to you. And then someday you will share it with someone. “Can you imagine, sometimes fear comes over me, sometimes I have such states.” You may find that people experience the same condition from time to time. Then the understanding will come that the claim is not against people. The reason is not them, it is your condition that periodically rolls over. The reason, as a rule, was in the childhood condition.

Imagine, sitting here with me Small child, little girl. She is much shorter than me. I approach her and talk to her from the height of my height - for a person of my height and for small child it will sound completely different. It will be more intense, it will be from above, this is already pressure. Now I take her hand: “Get up quickly, let’s go.” Imagine for a second, you are 170 cm tall, and a man 5m10cm tall comes up to you and starts talking to you from above and pulling you by the hand. And if this giant gets angry, his eyes become huge, lightning bolts fly from them, and his nostrils flare. At 5 meters, the nose is huge. This is scary. If you also have a big belly, then from such a height, it’s generally something surreal. This is how a small child sees angry adults and all this is recorded in his childhood impressions. This applies to any emotions of adults. The emotional component of relationships is very important for a child. You need to make it a rule to talk to your child on the same level. Those. sit down in front of him, “eye to eye.” A completely different feeling will arise.

There are laws by which emotions function. The first law is that emotions always exist. Emotions are one of the energy of ananda.

Why don't children listen to us enough? They listen to us emotionally, nothing else. If you want your child to pay attention to you, analyze what emotions you show him. All your lectures about clean hands, for example, tend to “go in one ear and out the other.” But if you demonstrate emotions, it is the mind that grabs and seals it.

The second law is that emotions accumulate and are remembered. If you haven’t discussed it with your child, and he hasn’t understood you and hasn’t digested this emotion, it will be delayed. You showed it to him again, it was deposited again. You know that the mind is like a library. And in this library there are departments that are overcrowded. Those. experienced impressions and samskaras went there and went. The child is very vulnerable because he has no Budhi (Mind). The Fire of the Mind is a function of transformation. In a child, this function is not yet developed. And therefore he lives exclusively by manas (Mind). An exclusively emotional mind that remembers everything automatically and cannot digest. Moreover, he is not yet so ahankara or his ego is mature enough to say that he has a different point of view. He will say this later. Scandals will begin from the moment the child has his own point of view. And he himself will decide whether to be upset or decide that the parent is out of his mind. At this moment he will come out of your magical influence. But until this time, you magically influence him. And they influenced you magically. Moreover, we must not forget about the authority of the parent in a small child, which is present by default. All actions of the parent are automatically correct. If your mother constantly demonstrated such an emotion: “Oh God, no intelligence, no imagination, well, a copy of dad. I don’t know what will happen to you,” then you believe it. Do you think that if your own mother is the most close person, says this about me, which means it’s true. In life, you will do everything under the subconscious influence of this impression.

Why do you and I have such distrust of each other? Often these are emotions that were imprinted and imprinted in childhood. All these emotions that had been accumulating went into our subconscious. We are already adults and do not clearly feel these emotions. But emotions not experienced in childhood are like a bomb with a ticking clock already running. Finally, we met our loved one, and he begins to distantly remind us of those feelings that we experienced and did not digest in childhood. It's like a rubber band that is pulled, pulled, and then released at a certain point. And now everything that you once experienced and did not digest, you begin to address to this person. You have a huge claim. It's a terrible insult. Why can't we forgive each other because we can't forgive the past. Moreover, we still don’t realize it. We think this person is to blame. Think, sincerely, how much time you actually spent with this person. You will find out that this period of communication is not capable of causing you such resentment. We need to understand that these people showed us the closets that we have.

Let's summarize. Often our emotions are directed at the wrong person. These are the so-called portable feelings, i.e. ones that I experienced or experienced as a small child. And now, when I am already an adult, they have come upon me with renewed vigor. 99% of grievances are portable feelings. In fact, there are few real grievances, and mostly we tend to resolve real grievances. Those. we have some real grievances, but one way or another we want to clarify them, we have a desire to clarify them. But when these are portable feelings, we feel that it is impossible to clarify, correct, we have a feeling of despair and helplessness, exactly the same feelings that we experienced when we were little. As a child, few people heard us, few people were interested in us, they simply told us: “Shut up, stop immediately!..” It is this feature of transference feelings that is the reason that we prefer to distance ourselves, be offended, and angry. We get stuck in this emotion, exclusively in a childish state. This means that your feelings were addressed to someone from your childhood.

If you are offended, have the patience to understand that the person is projecting something onto you. And when you are offended, just look at the offender. Think about whose image might be behind it. And if you deliberately meditate on this image, you will see it. You will see who offended you in this way, who did not hear, who once ignored you. Where were you so hurt that now this person simply reminded you of this feeling? And now all those feelings that you had, multiplied, you address to this innocent person. This is the essence of the offense.

There is such a thing as mental resentment. Mental resentment is a resentment that practically does not let go, and this is our special taste for life. How? Be indignant, this is impossible! But this is true. For example, when you were a child, your parents paid attention to you when you were offended. And the little child realized how to influence this world in order to be heard. You get a taste for this state of being a little offended. As an adult, you use this emotion to influence and manipulate another person. This is how the disease is manipulated, " pouting lips» manipulate, causing the other person to feel guilty. A person, not knowing how to communicate openly, prefers to communicate in such a way that the interlocutor experiences a chronic feeling of guilt. He may have a sad expression on his face, sigh, when asked about his well-being, asks not to pay attention to him, etc. Often mothers unconsciously manipulate their children: “When I die, you’ll know...”

Manipulation is the taste of life. And therefore, a person with a taste for resentment is like people who love vinegar and add it to all their dishes. When a cucumber gets into a vinegar solution, it turns sour. It's exactly like that in life. After communicating with a person who has a special taste for offense, we feel as if “sour.” This is his atmosphere, his mind.

It is impossible to get rid of mental resentment, because... the person is not in the mood to forgive at all. He gets a special taste from resentment. Such people often turn to a psychologist. But their goal is not to get rid of the resentment, but to once again mourn themselves or prove to others that it is impossible to help, and that the psychologist is good for nothing. They play their favorite game “Yes, but...”. Agreeing with all the psychologist’s arguments, they say: “Yes,” and immediately add a “but” particle and put forward their version of what is happening. This game of “Yes, but...” will never end.

If you ask such a person what kind of punishment he would be satisfied with for the offender, he cannot formulate. In my practice, there was a case when a man was very offended by his mother. When she died, he said that she was punishing him from the grave. He continued to argue with her at the grave. It's taste. I asked him to imagine that in all the advertisements in the city they wrote “Shame” on his mother. Or in every city they would hang banners saying that he is the most fair man in the world, the most damaged person in the world. Everywhere he would be greeted with garlands. He was not satisfied! I didn't like any option. Even if we imagine that the mother is serving her sentence in hell. The punishment was still not enough. This man was so focused on himself!

90% of our grievances are mental. Just think today, what should happen to your offender? Fair punishment - atomic bomb. What is going to happen and imagine it happening. And then turn to yourself. No satisfaction. This is pathology. Nothing can satisfy mental resentment. It's like throwing wood into a fire and waiting for it to go out. This is our desire to be offended. We have not learned to attract attention to ourselves any other way.

A strange pathological way of attracting attention. Therefore, if today you have diagnosed yourself with this pathological way of attracting attention, you need to admit that you are a seriously ill person. This diagnosis is much more severe than hepatitis, tetanus and diphtheria combined. This is emotional paralysis. Therefore, you need to heal yourself, you need to be grateful to the person who showed you the disease. Knowing the diagnosis, it is already clear what to treat and you can look for a way.

So, let's summarize the above. We now know that resentment is a lesson. Often our grievances are projected from childhood. Some people don't need solutions to problems, they just complain: “Yes..., but...”. They have a special taste for insults. There are racket emotions. It is necessary to distinguish between resentment and resentment. You need to learn to label your feelings; the other person does not have to be clairvoyant. You can get rid of grievances only from a position of reason.

The mind is a great learner. There is a syndrome “Aha!..” Gaining knowledge at the level of the mind always brings joy.

You and I have seen that all our grievances come from childhood and, as a rule, these are our relationships with our parents. It is very important to add two more points to realize here. The first point is that we don’t just come to this or that parent. This is not easy to understand for people who are not involved in spiritual practice. They may remain resentful of their parents for the rest of their lives. We come to the family that is destined for us. Those. I couldn't be born to other parents. My finish at past life, determined the start in this. Only with such parents could I show my character qualities. This provision immediately removes all claims against parents. It is very important to understand that I could not have been born anywhere else. And therefore, firstly, we have a feeling of gratitude to our parents for giving me birth. Somehow the situation turned out that mom and dad met, and this was the best combination for my birth. The second point is that the parents did everything possible from their model of the world at that point in time, i.e. they couldn't do it any other way.

It is very important to understand that we can repeat the same scenario many times. For example, as children we decided that we would never act as our parents did with their children. But then we grow up, we have children, and suddenly we catch ourselves using the same “parental” intonation, the same words and gestures. And we suddenly understand that this conditioning, this “cliché stamp” of ours, which we repeat from generation to generation, is so powerful. To get out from under its power you need to make a lot of effort.

This serious effort begins with us deciding to finally say goodbye to our life script. Often anger towards men is passed on from generation to generation. The grandmother could convey such a scenario, the mother conveys such a scenario, and the daughter follows the same scenario: “I can handle it myself, without men!”

The most interesting thing is that disrespect for men first manifests itself in the fact that we are born into a family where our father does not pay attention to us. This indicates that we did not respect men in a past life. Those. we are shown that the man does not pay attention to us. The next thing is that we grow up resenting our father. And we think that the husband will be the exact opposite of dad. And we find ourselves a husband, and our husband has the same, if not more manifested, qualities of our father. The reason is that the lesson is first taught a little further away, then a little closer, then very close. And so we didn’t resolve the issue with my father, now we are resolving the issue with my husband. My husband and I are resolving the issue in a radical way. We tell him: “You are free. I made a mistake when I married you.” Then either a son or a daughter is born to us. If we have a daughter, we automatically teach her how to disrespect men. If we have a son, it means that we are given another chance to improve our relationships with men. And, as a rule, big, big problems arise with the son. If you did not have respect for your husband, there is a 100% guarantee that your relationship with your son will undergo serious tests. If at this moment in time you have a small son, you say that you live with him in perfect harmony. Wait for it to grow. Until he shows his male character. And you will see that the Lord is giving you another opportunity to begin to respect a man. Your son will return to you everything that we did not want to hear from either our father or our husband. But you can’t divorce your son, that’s a paradox. You can't kick him out anywhere. And that’s why this is how we are educated in life.

It is very important for us to understand that you and I are learning life here. Throughout all our lives we learn one single lesson, how to LOVE. All life situations, absolutely everything, we are taught to love. They show us what we can't do. We need to sincerely look into our hearts to finally close this crazy scenario that is passed on from generation to generation. Two things we must do, we must ask for forgiveness and we must ask for blessings. Two things that are very important. Absolutely for everyone. We should treat all elders with gratitude, not with pretension. And we must ask for a blessing from them. Resentment is a brake in our life, an anchor that does not allow us to move forward, and blessing is a great force that can inspire us, inspire us and give speed to all our good endeavors.

Marina Targakova, Project Specialist "Psychology of the Third Millennium"

© M. Targakova, 2009

Psychology of resentment- a condition that a man in his fortieth year and a four-year-old boy experience in the same way. The offended person thirsts for justice: his offended pride will not calm down until an apology is made.

At the same time, sincere repentance from the offender is not enough for the victim. He is waiting for all kinds of encouragement addressed to him. Otherwise, repentance will be regarded by him as a cheap handout. Redress for the offense should be equivalent to the damage caused, and nothing else.

The psychology of resentment is a complex of experiences of a typical victim of circumstances who is unable to change the situation. Her behavior is one of passive suffering: tears alone and the hope that the offender is about to start crawling at her feet, begging for forgiveness. At the same time, the self-esteem of the hero of this drama is zero: without the act of humiliating the insidious villain who subjected him to terrible torture, he cannot regain his mental balance

Goldfish effect

Resentment arises in the soul, feeding on vain expectations. No one is going to justify them, no matter how much the unfortunate person is offended. As a result, the poor guy can only hope for a miracle - goldfish, arriving at the first sob and fulfilling any whim.

The touchy subject is too weak to realize his expectations without outside help. But there is no limit to the scope of his vain hopes: he imagines various options humiliation of the offender; his inflamed imagination depicts a harsh retribution against the culprit of his suffering.

And the thicker this nonsense, the more the victim gets himself into trouble, the less likely it is that fantastic expectations will be realized and someone will apologize to the “humiliated and insulted.”
Even if the offender asks for forgiveness, this will not be enough to compensate for the torment experienced by the unfortunate victim. In this case, the offended person is ready to take the path of self-destruction, only to prove the imperfection of the world that has underestimated him.

This is where variations in behavior are allowed depending on the age of the sufferer and the situation. If he is four years old, then in extreme cases the child may fall on his face and fight in hysterics until he is picked up and pitied.

If the offended person is forty years old, then he craves not contemptible pity, but recognition. It's time to show the universal scale of your suffering. You can, for example, slam the door so that the windows shake, or hit the mirror with your fist, cutting your hand and pouring blood into the room. One of the extreme ways to portray the depth and strength of one’s pain is to die in defiance of everyone and in the hope of posthumous glory.

It is clear that such destructive antics will not achieve either recognition or fame. At best, you can count on pity, and most often the offender is rewarded with irritation and ridicule. Therefore, resentment can be considered a useless and fruitless manipulation.

Adult child

Each of us wants love and attention. In this we are like young children. An offended child is a clever manipulator. Realizing that his “suffering” is not noticed, he immediately stops crying in order to attract attention to himself and, only having achieved his goal, he demonstratively sits down in a puddle or snowdrift.

Having remembered the effect produced, he will adopt similar maneuvers. As an adult, he will unconsciously use them to extract maximum benefit from the offense - to once again attract everyone's attention to himself.

However, it is difficult to deceive others with such infantile behavior. The psychology of the offended person makes them nervous: they feel the falseness of an adult child. His resentment for them is a soap bubble, inflated for courage over them. A touchy person is like a jester donning the costume of a tragic hero.

The manipulator hopes that the plaintive mask will free him from responsibility and help evoke sympathy. Such transformation is characteristic of a touchy person not only due to a long-standing habit from childhood, but also due to mental weakness.

He does not dare to show sincere feelings, he is afraid of getting a rebuff and looking like an insignificant loser. Therefore, he gives up without a fight and voluntarily chooses the role of the victim, plunging into the dark pool of indignation and unproductive expectation of recognition.

Instead of consolation

Try to follow the lead of the unfortunate victim and satisfy her demands. The psychology of resentment, having received the long-awaited carrot, will firmly consolidate the compassionate style of behavior. Next time, the offended person will pretend to be a more unfortunate victim in order to beg for a more substantial reward.

Not getting what he expected, the poor fellow can sink so low that he agrees to just permission to cry into his vest. Engaging in self-torture, wasting his energy uselessly, a touchy individual uses the most trifling excuse to manipulate others. Many older children spend most of their lives in this infantile state.

The consolation for the psychology of resentment is the oil that fuels the fire. Pity is a means of exalting an inflated “trouble.” Therefore, there is no point in pitying or consoling a voluntary victim of circumstances.

Such neurosis is treated not with carrots, but with sticks - impartial introspection of irrational expectations. A sobering shower of self-irony will not hurt here either. After all, resentment is a childhood experience that a mature person must certainly overcome.

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