Loneliness. Being alone does not mean loneliness of the soul

This is probably when we don’t let anyone into our soul. Or maybe it comes when we acutely feel that no one needs our soul. Sometimes both options are combined.

Or maybe this is simply a person’s awareness of his existence? I am, and truly, experientially, I only know that I am. Therefore, I am, in principle, existentially alone. Perhaps Sartre or Camus would have answered this way. But this answer is missing something. Or better yet, Someone.

We continue to search for the answer.

Loneliness is suffering. Indeed, alone you are always left alone with your pain. And, probably, most of humanity will equate loneliness with suffering.

However, in history there have always been people who themselves sought loneliness. There are many of these from writers, artists, musicians. They flee from the world in order to subsequently give it the fruits of their solitude. Brilliant music that we admire. Pictures that gather millions of people around them. Books that amaze with the depth of thinking. All this is born of creative loneliness - and it is always accompanied by the artist’s inner suffering.

Geniuses are people who seek loneliness and at the same time suffer from it. Everyone else also suffers from loneliness, but they run away from it.

The human soul naturally desires to open itself to someone, to share itself and to feed from another soul. But at the same time, allowing a person very close to us, we feel discomfort due to the invasion of the holy of holies of our heart and the inevitable bitterness of misunderstanding.

This situation was described by Schopenhauer in his famous “porcupine dilemma.” When porcupines are cold, they huddle together to keep warm. Feeling the pain from the needles, the animals scatter, but soon freeze and come closer again, gradually finding an acceptable distance. Thus, internal emptiness and coldness push people towards each other, but, having received mutual wounds, they separate - in order to come together again when loneliness becomes unbearable. Secular politeness and generally accepted culture of behavior are nothing more than a safe distance between our solitudes.

In general, Schopenhauer has simply devastating aphorisms on this topic, both accurate and bitter. For example: “People’s sociability is based not on the love of society, but on the fear of loneliness.” Or: “Each person can be himself only while he is alone.”

We will not be asked in the next world how we were loved here. They will ask if we loved

Along with the development of megacities, the strange phenomenon of loneliness in big cities. It turns out that the larger the crowd bustling around you, the sharper the blade of loneliness cutting your heart can be. Why? Because you understand that they live their lives, not yours. A huge number of “not you”, who have nothing to do with your person, poison the soul in proportion to their number. The more “not you” there are, the more lonely you feel.

If in this faceless crowd there is someone thinking about you and waiting to meet you, then the feeling of abandonment and uselessness seems to go away. But someone else's love is like a drug. The more you use, the more addicted you become. On the other hand, you get used to it and value it less. Truly victory over the depression of loneliness comes when you learn to love others and give yourself to them. So it was, is and will be. Any psychologist will tell dozens of stories about how their patients overcame an internal crisis through service to others. And indeed, in the next world they will not ask us how they loved us here. They will ask if we loved.

For someone who is inclined to think and loves to learn, solitude can become a school of self-knowledge and knowledge of God. If a person secludes himself and reduces communication with the world to a minimum, three possible options development of the situation. Either he cannot stand it and interrupts his peace, or he goes crazy, or intense inner work begins in his soul.

I remember wonderful story Chekhov's "The Bet". A wealthy banker and a poor young lawyer bet: if the lawyer spends fifteen years in solitary confinement, he will receive two million rubles from the banker. Having settled in an outbuilding in the banker's garden, the young man went through several stages of development. The first year he was bored, read novels and detective stories, played the piano. In the second year the music stopped, and the hermit demanded volumes of classics. In the fifth year, the prisoner asked for wine, and the piano began to play again. Books were not read during this period. In the sixth year, the lawyer began to scrupulously study foreign languages, philosophy and history. After the tenth year, the sage spent days and nights reading only the Gospel. Then books on the history of religions and theology were requested. During the last two years of solitude, the recluse read everything indiscriminately. Five hours before the end of his fifteen-year sentence, he left the outhouse, thereby breaking his bet. The note he left said that he no longer needed millions. Years of loneliness spent in self-education and self-knowledge led to God and resolved the question of the meaning of life.

But here is a case not from literature, but from life very famous person– the last ataman of the Zaporozhye Sich, Peter Kalnyshevsky. After the abolition of the Sich, the 85-year-old Cossack was sent to the Solovetsky Monastery prison, where he spent 25 years in cramped solitary confinement. He was allowed outside three times a year: at Christmas, Easter and Transfiguration. After the pardon, 110-year-old Kalnyshevsky refused to return to Ukraine and remained in the monastery. He lived on Solovki for almost three more years, spending most of his time in prayer. Now he is glorified as a locally revered saint of the Zaporozhye diocese.

“Personality matures alone, in a cold void, in which it is clear to a person: he has to be born and die alone. In this emptiness a person begins to pray. And then the emptiness is filled with God, past life is comprehended, eternity becomes obvious,” writes a modern preacher.

Loneliness shows us who we are and gives us the opportunity to fill the gaping emptiness human soul. Whether it will be filled with God, or the chatter of the TV, or an escape from oneself into the labyrinths of social networks - we decide for ourselves. But there are examples in history that can help us do more. right choice.

When the Lord comes to a person, he is no longer alone

There is also a special loneliness - . Loneliness and monasticism are in some ways similar words. Monasticism comes from the Greek word “monos”, which means “one”. This kind of voluntary loneliness is also defined by the words: and God. Monasticism is me and God. Or better yet: God and me. If monasticism is like this, then it becomes the true and only justification for loneliness. However, what should a layman talk about monasticism? It is like a beautiful but closed treasure chest. You can admire. It is impossible to feel and understand while remaining in the world.

However, he wrote about “monks in tailcoats,” that is, about laymen leading a real evangelical life, who know about mental prayer and other exploits not only from books, but from personal experience. And in Saint Theophan the Recluse one can find similar thoughts. The saint himself sent letters from seclusion to a certain lay landowner asking for advice in prayer. Subsequently, the wonderful preacher and writer Archpriest Valentin Sventsitsky developed the theme of “monks in tailcoats” into his idea of ​​a “monastery in the world.” So loneliness filled with God is an ideal that is achievable outside the walls of a monastic monastery. Only then is it probably better to use the word “solitude.” When the Lord comes to a person, he is no longer alone.

We will never be able to completely avoid loneliness, but we are able to meet God within it and come out of the shell of alienation towards people. And most likely, there is no other way out of the problem.

Do you want liberation from years of torture of loneliness? Become indispensable to at least one person in the world. Serve someone who needs help. Understand that happiness is being useful.

Hospital, prison, nursing home, orphanage- these are the places that help you transform from philosophers into doers. Within these walls, the very quality of our solitude changes. In any case, despondency and depression are guaranteed to make room for them, because there is simply no time for them.

Loneliness is inevitable. It is a constant companion of any individual on all paths of his existence. This feeling is allowed by God and is normal for a sinner who has fallen away from the Creator. A branch that breaks away from the vine will always feel insufficient and lost. Whether a person is happy in earthly terms or deeply unhappy, until the end of his days he will retain the natural, ontological experience of loneliness as personal uniqueness and personal pain - that very “I am.” The abyss of our soul, destined for the infinite God, always makes itself felt to us. The abyss calls upon the abyss with the voice of Your waterfalls...(Ps. 41:8).

Solitude is necessary. It gives self-knowledge and exposes the age-old pain of the sinned Adam, who to this day hides from the Lord in the bushes of his loneliness. From under these branches you need to come out to meet the Creator and His creation. Yes, go ahead this path maybe even more painful than sitting in Adam's bushes. But only on this road will the abyss of our soul find the One Who is capable of filling it, and will meet those who carry the same depths inside. “Call to the Creator from the abyss of your heart, and He will fill your limited infinity,” this is what loneliness tells us.

It is for this meeting that the incessant voice of loneliness sounds within us, and for this we live on earth.

"To be able to endure solitude and enjoy it is a great gift.»

George Bernard Shaw.

People most often associate the concept of loneliness with negative emotions. An image of an abandoned person, cut off from society, from loved ones, deprived of love, warmth, understanding and support, appears in one’s thoughts. In general, this is how it is. When a person is left alone, this, first of all, indicates that he should think about his actions, about his character as a whole. The very problem of loneliness is that not everyone understands its definition, because it is associated with many interpretations of this concept. Some people experience a feeling of loneliness due to their social status, the number of people surrounding this or that person. This so-called physical isolation is most often regulated by the person himself, because everyone selects the right number of acquaintances for themselves. It's another matter when a person does not know how to find mutual language, most often this happens to people who have difficulty making new contacts - this is already forced isolation. Many suffer this condition quite painfully, which cannot be said about those who retire of their own free will - we’ll talk about this a little later.

Mental loneliness

But there is also the concept of mental loneliness, when a person seems to have the opportunity to talk, communicate with other members of society, but inside this feeling almost never leaves him. I think many people know the situation: there are a lot of people around, but no one hears. Each of them has their own difficulties and problems, and they have neither the time nor the desire to listen to someone. This is where loneliness is felt most acutely. It is very similar to loneliness, but it does not entail deep changes in the psyche, a lack of feedback due to the current situation, or due to character traits, as mentioned above. The state of loneliness itself in many cases can lead a person to a state of deep depression, and in childhood, lack of communication can lead to a mental disorder such as autism.

Loneliness without internet

Many tried to fall asleep, but due to obsessive “stupid” thoughts, none of them succeeded. At the end of the experiment, the described thoughts and symptoms instantly disappeared. Analyzing their actions, more than 50 people used words such as addiction, withdrawal, dose, said “I need it all the time,” “it turns out I can’t live without...”, etc. The teenagers admitted to themselves that their the thoughts were terrifying for them, but they only realized this after the end of the experiment, during its discussion. Having received such results, we must take a serious turn, because the Internet and everything described above have radically changed our lives, which is certainly convenient in its own way, but everyone should be able to control that very “dose of intake” so that virtual life, life in front of the TV and monitor did not become a reality for us, did not delay and did not replace the simple, natural joys of life.

Loneliness is good

Keeping our promise, we return to the topic of solitude of our own free will. Very often people confuse it with loneliness. Yes, a person is alone, but this is a completely different state. Sometimes it happens that a person becomes mentally tired of all the fuss that surrounds him. In our modern society a frantic flow of information, a stunning speed of life and sometimes you want to hide from all this “madness”, to hide from it all, this is where solitude comes to the rescue. Often it is in this state that people get the opportunity to look around, think about their behavior, re-establish life priorities and, of course, try to understand the meaning of life. Many admit that by solitude, they can calmly find a way out of a seemingly very difficult situation. A person, left alone with himself, relaxes mentally, sometimes it is very important to relax, relieve nervous tension in order to avoid the stress that haunts us so much.

There will come times when loneliness can save

Abu Said al Khudri reported: “The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “ The time will soon come when the best possession of a Muslim will be a sheep, which he will take to the top of the mountain and to the places where it rains, running away to save his religiosity from misfortunes "(narrated by Imam Bukhari). This hadith indicates that in order to save his faith, it is useful for a person to move away from people.

Solitude is preferable in times of unrest and misfortune. After all, society can both have a positive impact and harm. The best thing for us is to endure difficulties with patience and humility, for which Allah willingly promises forgiveness of sins.

Report narrated by at-Tirmidhi (5207) and Ibn Majah (4032) which says that Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “ A believer who associates with people and tolerates them will receive a greater reward than a believer who does not associate with people and does not tolerate them. ».

It is worth remembering that many things done together are preferable to those done alone, for example, praying in a group. Communication with people within the framework of Sharia, which will bring benefits, is, of course, preferable to solitude. Doing good deeds is great, but when people unite to do something unlawful, first remember that we will come to Allah alone and everyone will be responsible for certain actions for himself.

Loneliness of Doomsday

« Allah will deprive him of what he was proud of in the earthly world: wealth and offspring, and he will come to future life without property, without offspring and without supporters "(Sura Maryam, verse 80).

« Each of them will appear to Him on the Day of Resurrection alone "(Sura Maryam, verse 95).

« O son of Adam! I am surprised at the person who knows that he will die alone, will enter the grave alone, will give an account alone... However, he seeks joy in people"(hadith al-Qudsi).

Still, solitude and being in society have a dual meaning. There is a fine line between what is beneficial and what will cause harm. Each person has the opportunity to choose for himself what he needs, what is important to him. Allah, in His wisdom, created the world and people like this. There is great edification in everything, which for people who reflect, striving for the pleasure of their Creator, will help to penetrate deep into themselves and skillfully set priorities so that everything will only benefit him.

Every time you stand up for prayer, solitude directly with the Almighty, ask Him, pray for forgiveness of sins, so that on the Day of Judgment, appearing before Allah, again alone, it is this solitude that will become your salvation from the fires of hell.

Loneliness accompanies a person from the very moment of his birth. When a newborn baby cries in his crib because his mother is not around, he already feels lonely. Having matured a little, the child begins to comprehend the world and it seems to him that it is so unknown and incomprehensible. If his parents cannot convey their love to him at this time, then he again faces deep loneliness.

Adult Already more often he suffers from loneliness, and most of all he feels lonely before death. Therefore, we can confidently say that there is not a single person in the world who would not feel lonely at least once in his life. It is impossible to avoid loneliness completely, no matter how much we would like it. But each person’s relationship with loneliness is different. It depends on the character, temperament, perseverance, gender, age and desire of the person to change his life. The degree to which a person is lonely depends on his expectations good attitude those around him and those close to him.

IN Russia All people over 70 years old feel completely alone. The reason for this is that a person does not know how to adapt to old age. Many older people focus on their younger years and believe that they should also be communicated with, consulted with, and listened to their opinions. However, children grow up and become independent, and their attitude towards their parents changes. They make their own plans and spend their days preoccupied with earning money, and they have no time left to visit their elderly parents.

People who are used to live with their lives and who know how to love themselves, over the years they adapt to this and do not bother their children with their problems. Unbalanced old people do not want to come to terms with their loneliness and demand that their children participate in their lives, both morally and materially. As a result, children are often further separated from their parents, which only exacerbates their loneliness. It is very important to understand that loneliness is an internal state of the soul, and not a material one. External factors can't change state of mind man and no one except the man himself can drive away his melancholy and despondency.

Loneliness overtakes people not only in old age, many couples live next to each other in all alone. Such loneliness is called mental loneliness and it is much more difficult for a person to bear than when he is physically alone. Often, the lack of emotional connection between partners leads women to deep depression and even psychological illness. As people say: “Nature does not like emptiness!” and therefore each partner tries to drown out the feeling of loneliness in the family in a way acceptable to him.

Men most often they start an affair or start drinking, and women become aggressive and constantly lash out at family members due to mental dissatisfaction. If a husband and wife do not communicate with each other and do not find interest in spending time together, then they are no longer a couple and their life together brings them only torment.

The biggest delusion is the opinion of people that some new stranger or friends that they are trying to make will help them get rid of loneliness. Indeed, at the beginning of a relationship with a new partner or people who surround a once lonely person with care and attention, the illusion of fullness of life and happiness is created. But very soon emptiness and disappointment overtake again, bringing even greater heartache. This happens because the person himself has remained the same, his views on life and attitude towards himself have not changed. After all, a person can truly be happy only when he is confident in his abilities, loves himself and does what he loves.

Complete indifference towards oneself inevitably leads to loneliness. If a person does not respect and do not love himself, then this is automatically transmitted to the people around him who try to bypass him. The attitude of others towards us is only a reflection of our attitude towards them. Indifference to oneself triggers the process of loneliness. If a person considers himself unworthy of something good or abandons his values ​​​​to please his children, husband or parents, then he should not demand respect from others.

Refusal of one's own interests, trying to improve the lives of loved ones, only pushes us even more towards mental loneliness. Very often people try to realize other people's desires in order to disguise the lack of their own goals. Instead of finding a favorite activity and taking care of himself, a person engages in self-deception and completely forgets about himself, diligently caring for his children or husband.

Unreasonably refusing from his own happiness and dreams, a person dooms himself to loneliness. Love yourself and try to change your life in better side. And only you can decide what you choose - loneliness or self-love? An irresponsible attitude towards yourself and your life is main reason that loneliness begins to control your life.

Loneliness can be very different. There is loneliness, which is characterized by the phrase “nobody needs me.” At the same time, a person can be in great demand at work, and can live in a large family. Just like in nursery rhyme: “Poor orphan Fedotka, he has no one, only mom, dad, and aunt, only uncle, and grandparents.” “Nobody needs you” is a classic phrase from a person with low self-esteem. First of all, such a person does not need himself. After all, if I know that God needs me and I need myself, then I won’t say such a phrase.

There is “loneliness together” when there is a loved one, but at the same time the feeling of loneliness remains. This is a case when a person tries to fill his inner emptiness at the expense of another. For him, the other is an object that he wants to use in order to feel better. But the truth is that the other person is not an object. And the inner emptiness cannot be filled from the outside.

For some, loneliness is a state of joy, relaxation, but it is not so much loneliness as solitude, that is, a state when a person is glad to be alone with himself.

There is also such a type of loneliness as hermitism. In this case, loneliness is a conscious choice, spiritual growth. But it should be noted that in our time, without the blessing of a confessor, such a path is more of a risk than a feat.

Thus, there are different states called loneliness. One state is when a person lives alone, and another is mental loneliness, when a person feels alone, regardless of the presence or absence of loved ones nearby.

— What types of loneliness do people mostly deal with?

— From people who contacted our psychological consultation for help, loneliness is associated with hopelessness, abandonment, self-pity, fear, bewilderment: “why am I doing this?”

— Do loneliness have any common reasons, hidden from a superficial glance?

— Often the “tendency to loneliness” begins in childhood. This may be due to traumatic childhood experiences. Although an adult is not able to remember his earliest age, at the level of sensations he can retain this experience within himself and carry it throughout his life. Let's take this example: a mother, having read Spock, does not approach her crying child for the prescribed 20 minutes, because Dr. Spock wrote that in 20 minutes the child can calm down. But modern scientists believe that up to six months a child is not able to calm down on his own, his inhibition process has not yet developed, he can get excited, but not calm down, the child can only become exhausted. He will get tired and calm down, but this does not mean that he has calmed down and that he feels good. He simply no longer has the strength to scream, but a state of despair sets in inside him. The feeling that no matter how much he screams, no one will come to him and it is useless to call him, leads to the fact that the child does not develop basic trust in the world. Basic trust is the perception of the world around me as benevolent, the feeling that there is a place in this world in which I am loved and accepted.

One woman who had a happy childhood talked about this characteristic memory of hers: “I’m lying in bed very little, I’ve just woken up after a day baby sleep, and I know that now I will leave my room, and there the whole family is waiting for me to wake up, and then they will shout: “Nyusya has woken up!”, and they will hug and kiss me.” This is the feeling that they are waiting for me, that I am loved, that I am accepted. It is clear that for such a person with basic trust in the world, even if he has periods of forced loneliness, they will not be experienced as a collapse of life. He has something to draw on from his past experience. Accordingly, if no one is waiting for the child, if he has the feeling that no one needs him, no one loves him, he is who he is, does not suit anyone, if the child grows up with this feeling, then loneliness becomes a habitual state for him .

— That is, nothing good can happen in loneliness, because this condition is initially a consequence of psychological trauma?

- Not always like this. It all depends on how a person perceives this condition. You can perceive loneliness as a chance to understand something about yourself, as a temporary stop, a respite, when you can look around, see where I’m going, who I’m going with, whether what I’m doing is necessary or interesting to me. This can be compared to how a person is driving a car on a highway and suddenly pulls over to the side of the road and stops. I conducted many trainings on the topic of loneliness, and in the course of my work I observed how people’s attitudes towards this complex feeling changed. From the fear, sadness, and hopelessness that arose at the mere memory of loneliness, many moved on to understanding and recognizing the need for loneliness for their soul, for communication with God, for self-knowledge. In solitude you have the opportunity to think in silence, restore strength, and understand yourself.

— It turns out that loneliness is good as a temporary state?

- It depends on the person and how he “uses” his loneliness. You can get “stuck” in this state and remain living “on the sidelines,” or you can live this time fruitfully. It is important to remember that often loneliness is a person’s choice, and not a forced state into which he finds himself. Sometimes a person who complains of loneliness could change the situation and get out of this state if he wanted.

But people do not always take advantage of their opportunities, because, in fact, loneliness can also be beneficial. For example, it happens that you want to help a person, and in response to his complaints, “I’m so tired of being alone! What should I do?”, you begin to offer him options for exit, but he stubbornly refuses, rejecting all your proposals. And at some point the question arises: does this person really want to do something about his loneliness? Here is an example of a typical dialogue:

— If you feel lonely, go to a temple where there is a community. Parishioners often go on interesting pilgrimage trips, and you will be able to meet someone.
- Yes, but I don’t have time for that. And on Sunday I want to sleep and sit at home, I work all week.
- If you can’t on Sunday, go on Saturday evening.
- Yes, it would be possible, but I have a TV series on Saturday evening, I can’t miss it.
- Well, okay, let's not take days off. And at work, maybe there are some interesting people who can I talk to?
- Oh, yes. But we have such a team at work that I’d rather not communicate with anyone there.

And no matter how many new options you offer such a person, in response you will hear: “Yes, but...”. After such a conversation, one gets the feeling that he is satisfied with the state in which he is.

Often, when a person is alone and “suffers” from it, he receives a lot of advantages, and uses these advantages. Everyone feels sorry for him, everyone sympathizes with him, and tries to help him. It also happens that loneliness is used as a good excuse: “If only I weren’t lonely, then I would... But so, I can’t do anything.”

— It turns out that lonely people are, to put it exaggeratedly, “lazy people” who don’t want to strain themselves once again?

- No, they are not lazy, they are simply afraid to leave their “shell” and “go out into the public.” Loneliness may already be familiar to them, it is known, familiar, they have adapted to this state. For us, one of the biggest fears in life is the fear of the new, the fear of uncertainty. In solitude, everything is defined, everything is clear, everything is programmed, the illusion is created that the situation is under control. As soon as you come out of loneliness, you are faced with the fact that you are not able to control another person. And frightening uncertainty appears. How to behave with him/her? What should I tell him/her? How to react? How to avoid making a mistake and not seem funny and stupid to him/her? Many questions and concerns immediately arise.

- Why are some people afraid and others not?

— Because some people have developed basic trust and a sense of self-worth, while others have not. Some people give themselves the right to make mistakes, while others prefer not to take risks. Some people just have a little more strength and courage.

- So, lonely people are cowards?

- No, not cowards. They just haven’t met their strength and don’t know the potential that lies within them.

- How can I meet her?

— Good question. The answer to this will be specific therapeutic work. Let us outline just a few steps of this difficult path. Firstly, it is necessary to recognize the unconditional value of one’s own personality and the potential inherent in the Creator. Secondly, we will have to find and work out a “nuclear situation” where communication with our own inner strength. It is also important to provide yourself with friendly support from the outside - there are always people who need us and who need us, and finding such people is not so difficult if you want. Here we can recall the Eastern wisdom that “He who does not want looks for reasons, and he who wants looks for ways.”

If I am tired of my loneliness, then I will do something, look for something. Orthodox church, the community is a wonderful place where it is possible to “cure” from loneliness, because there is always something to put your strength into. Especially in parishes involved in various social ministries, for example, in orphanages, hospitals, prisons. Help, go and you are no longer alone, and they are already waiting for you, and you are already welcome. But before meeting the Other, a person needs to meet himself, accept himself and his life with humility and gratitude to God.

The main feeling associated with loneliness is a feeling of inner emptiness. And our biggest mistake is that we are trying to fill this void with relationships. Filling the inner emptiness is possible only by establishing a connection with God. Because mine inner world– this is a place for me and for God. And since this is difficult, it requires inner work, labor, spiritual search, personal growth, that is, it is really difficult, then we are trying to go in a simple way, as it seems to us. Find a person who will make us happy, who will fill our emptiness. But this is the wrong way. The core of our inner life is a connection with God. This may be the feeling that the Lord loves me, the Lord accepts me, that I owe my life to Him, that I am responsible for how I live my life, because the Lord gave it to me, but He will ask me.

— And if there is almost no feeling of communion with God, we are not like Seraphim of Sarov?

- This is the vector in the direction in which we are moving. It is important to see the future and start moving in the right direction. It rarely happens that after making a decision everything changes immediately. It would be naive to count on this.

- Why in modern world more loneliness if the original idea is that its roots go back to childhood?

“This is partly due to the fact that now most of the population lives in cities.

— It would seem that there are more people in cities, which means there are more opportunities for making acquaintances?

- Nothing like this. My apartment is separate, there is an elevator, I don’t know the neighbors. In the villages this was impossible, because whether a person wanted it or not, he was included in village life. Everyone in the city is very isolated. Plus, now we have the Internet, people can work, pay bills, and shop without ever leaving their home. A person can minimize their communication to ordering products over the phone. In this sense, the city is an ideal place for loneliness to “thrive.”

Our yards have now disappeared, and children are sitting at home. With those who go to kindergarten, also the question is - were they lucky? After all, it is good to send a child to kindergarten after four or four and a half years, when he really wants to communicate. Until the age of 4.5 years, a child should grow up at home and communicate with other children on the playground, in various clubs. But if the child is the only one in the family, communicates only with adults, and adults communicate with the TV, then, in the end, the child is left to his own devices. Now the city has all the conditions for loneliness to become a way of life.

— What should you do to gain understanding of your soul, your personality?

— It is necessary for a person to develop a feeling of his life and his personality as a fairly high value. When we don’t feel this value, we begin to dissolve in those around us, to live by other people’s interests and needs. It seems to us that the life of another person is more important, and we devalue our own life, thereby betraying ourselves. As a result of this, it begins to seem that our life does not exist, we are an empty place... All attempts to fill the emptiness are ineffective or bring only temporary relief. And heavy childhood experience, and stereotypes imposed from outside, and one’s own lack of faith - there are many different reasons.

“Losing oneself”, abandoning oneself is not only the result of a difficult childhood, but also a choice, sometimes unconscious, of the person himself. The point here is not that we are abnormal. According to some statistics, 89% of the population, to one degree or another, need psychological help, and the remaining 11%, as some sadly joke, are either under-examined or cannot be helped. There is no doom in this loss of oneself, but there are many tasks for personal growth. We all had, relatively speaking, injuries.

Someone was put in the hospital for a week and the mother was not allowed in - trauma. Mom and dad went on a business trip and left it with my grandmother for a month—trauma. All separations from parents, especially long ones, up to five years, are traumatic; nurseries, boarding schools and the “five-day period” are not discussed at all. If we remember our childhood simply by the facts, it is clear that we have enough reasons to lose our sense of self even in childhood. And this is not our fault, this is our misfortune. And by the way, it's not our parents' fault.

Finding someone to blame for this situation is the most unfruitful thing you can do. Because, firstly, if we believe that our life is an attempt to mock us or punish us, then this is a claim not to our parents, but to God. But if we still believe that the Lord loves us, and He did the maximum to save our soul, then we come to the conclusion that the conditions in which we grew up, the suffering that we endured and yet survived this, were given to us so that we would become stronger, so that we would understand something, so that we might become, perhaps, somewhere softer, somewhere more tolerant, somewhere reconciled. That is, trials are sent to us for growth, and not to humiliate us, insult us, or mock us.

“I must say that before this conversation I felt healthier.”.

- “Many knowledge - many sorrows”, “woe from mind”... It is no coincidence that these phrases have become catchphrases. Any information that sheds light on something that we previously did not notice or hid from ourselves can be perceived painfully. Psychology is the field of knowledge that directly concerns the individual. When you recognize certain patterns and apply them to yourself, it suddenly turns out that some of the illusions in which you lived begin to crumble. At the very first lesson, we warn students so that they keep in mind that even a simple lecture session According to psychology, it can stir up very deep feelings in them. This box of paper handkerchiefs on my desk is just our “working tool.”

— How long do you need to work with a psychologist to clarify all the points for yourself?

- It depends on the person himself, on the atmosphere in which he currently lives, on his past experience, on his family. If a person had a more or less normal childhood, and childhood experiences were limited to the fact that his parents sent him to his grandmother for the summer, this is one option. Another option is when a child grew up without a father, or someone in his family suffered from alcoholism - these factors lead to quite serious distortions in personality development. There are also more difficult situations, for example, when a mother committed suicide. Of course, this cannot but affect a person’s life in some way. But at the same time, there is no predetermination or fatalism here. There are people who go through grief and loss and become stronger and wiser. And someone becomes embittered and loses faith. A person always has a choice!

The work of finding your lost “I” sometimes lasts six months or a year, and sometimes lasts a lifetime. Everything is very individual. For each person, this is their own path, which depends on their experience.

Over the course of several meetings, contact is established with a psychologist. After all, in order for deep work to begin, trusting human relationships are necessary. At the first meetings, we, as a rule, try to figure out not so much the reasons for the person’s difficulties, but rather his “plans,” what the person wants, where he is going. This is a very serious matter, so some time is spent focusing on the goals of psychotherapy for a specific person.

Most often they come with the question: “How can I make him come back?”; or: “How can I get men to pay attention to me?”; or: “How can I make my mother learn to understand me?”; or: “I want him to change, to become better! How can I achieve this? In other words: “Teach me how to manage my loved ones so that they behave the way I need them!”, that is, “teach me how to manipulate people.” But such an attitude towards another person from the point of view of Christian psychology is unacceptable. Here one of the fundamental principles is violated: respect for the freedom of the Individual. You have to work with such requests to reformulate them. It is important to help a person return to himself, to his life, to give up the desire to re-educate his mother, “remake” his husband, “improve” his son, make his girlfriend “more comfortable”.

The psychologist’s task is also to help a person learn to find resources within himself that will allow him to deal with difficulties on his own.

We must not forget that psychotherapy is still a “surrogate”, and it does not replace full-fledged personal friendly communication. Of course, between a psychologist and a person who turns to him for help, contact arises, a meeting takes place, but psychotherapy presupposes fixed time, a certain payment. There are also a number of ethical rules that do not allow the therapeutic relationship to be transformed into “family friendship.” Even though such communication can be very deep, it still does not replace friendship, it does not replace love, pastoral communication. This is an appeal to a specialist who helps to understand something, change something, but the relationship with him does not develop into friendship, and people need personal relationships. It is possible to learn how to build trusting personal relationships!

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Heartache and loneliness

Just to the question of mental loneliness modern girls. A very good topic was raised, and good story told, very true. I can say that many people have told me about this story, and the plot is actually very simple. A girl, for example, lives in such a family (well, in fact, not only the girl, but also the guys, but we’re just talking about girls now) is absolutely wrong, where, accordingly, the dominant one is the mother.

Moreover, due to ignorance of the boundaries of manipulation, she is finally cut off, hunted down by life and, in turn, entangled in this life, she suppresses her father. That is, a father who prefers to simply eliminate, that is, to exclude himself from the upbringing process - he simply comes, preferably already trained in order to be absolutely tolerant of all these screams, squabbles, yelling, and claims from the mother.

And therefore, he is also absolutely emotionally unavailable, he just comes already glass, and you can’t reach him. And you can’t reach your mother simply because she’s constantly on edge. That is, what kind of soulfulness can we talk about when a woman is a household fury in curlers, a greasy robe, always at the stove - just a kick-ass. Well, or not always at the stove, but still. I say, clients let me listen, men, to the showdowns of their women - they simply recorded on the phone how they were yelling. It's just shock and awe, real tough. Accordingly, living in such conditions, what does the girl experience? She experiences absolute mental loneliness.

Moreover, a really very good description was given by many clients. When they talk about their emotional feeling in the family where they grew up, they all describe it in exactly the same words. That is, it feels like my parents, firstly, did not understand me at all, as if I were some kind of alien or something at all, they did not care deeply about my emotional experiences, and if they cared, they cared exclusively about my body .

For them, I simply existed in the form of a body. That is, the body needs to be fed, that is, fed, shod, clothed and hurried to school or college - somewhere, in short, so that it doesn’t just sit at home and doesn’t get in the way. And if, therefore, not to school or college, then she should sit quietly in her room, not make any noise, and study her homework.

So that we just know that the child is busy with business, and is not texting boys, not reading anything indecent, not looking on the Internet. Well, then there was no Internet, then it was “in the yard with the girls, so as not to hang out with the boys,” because, you never know? What if they teach you how to smoke, what if they teach you how to drink, what if they teach you something else bad.

And so the girl - she really grows up in such an emotional vacuum. Indeed, there are hysterics, there are tears, and all this is superimposed on a hormonal surge, when the body rebels, hormonal changes in the body occur. Moreover, not only is there a hormonal change in the body, the girl is growing up, she must develop some adult lines of behavior, an adult outlook on life, some adult principles. That is, at this moment she must actively absorb information.

Moreover, she didn’t just read and learn from books, but implicit modeling must occur, that is, she must look at the correct relationship between mother, for example, and father. And she looks at them and sees complete disgrace. That is, the father is absolutely glass, day after day, he walks smoothly, but absolutely glass - his gaze does not express anything at all.

The mother is constantly always dissatisfied, always yelling at everyone and everything, constantly pushing, kicking the father and her, constantly taking it out on her and the father. And she sees this, and the height of cynicism in this sense is also the urging and teaching of parents. Parents - they themselves behave like the last cattle-potamuses, and at the same time they are trying to teach this girl some other principles. That is, they forbid her to communicate with boys, for example, because they think that she will somehow behave incorrectly with them.

They forbid her this, that, the fifth, the tenth, they don’t allow her to go out with her friends. That is, complete fucked up things are going on. This is the height of cynicism. It would be nice if they themselves were an example and said: “Look, everything is fine in our family. You see - happiness, comfort, peace. If you go out, for example, with guys, something bad might happen.”

But when a child sees the same thing every day, day after day: this feces, trash, this absolute bestiality, and they also try to tell him that he is wrong somewhere - then the child naturally develops such a state of confusion and misunderstanding . Well, how, in general, do you interact in this world if the people closest to you don’t just lie to your face, but they simply piss in your eye sockets with this behavior and these moral teachings?

This is simply the height of cynicism. This, you know, is not just killing your enemy, but killing him, cutting off his head, gouging out his eyes with a heel and pissing in his eye sockets - approximately the same sensations arise for the soul. And living in such a situation, the girl naturally experiences a complete emotional vacuum. This is the feeling that almost all of my clients described: total hopelessness and complete absolute loneliness and misunderstanding. I say, I can understand perfectly well, because I am not a girl, but I experienced all this myself. Yes, there is resentment towards life: “Why is this to me, what have I done wrong?” This misunderstanding is generally terrible about what is happening.

And, most importantly, she doesn’t even have alternative examples to see what could be different. Because she lives in her own social stratum, and she cannot go to a higher stratum - they don’t take her there, to a higher stratum. She is not needed there, there are, as they say, their own girls and women there, they don’t let her there.

She lives in this complete mess and is tormented by these emotions. Naturally, the soul begins to burn out emotionally. Why? Because, no matter what you do, no matter what you try to do, there is absolute misunderstanding, absolute lack of support all around, they simply deceive you, spread rot, mock you, destroy you morally. All around is psycho-emotional terror, moral destruction, they simply wipe their feet on it.

Or the girl begins to become a bitch at this age. How does the process of irritation occur? She begins to reconsider her life principles and priorities, and she begins to betray her soul. Even if the soul was originally supposed to be in her, she was not initially, as they say, born as a beast. Because there are people who are like animals from birth - we take, after all, more high level spiritual development. Initially, after all, she was supposed to have a soul. That is, she is not a stupid girl, not an animal, not a chick, who is simply absolutely stupid, with a meaningless look that doesn’t express anything, an absolutely bestial, animal-like look, and doesn’t understand anything. They told her “go there” - so she obediently trudged along and grabbed it. They told her “don’t go here, go there” - so she went in the other direction.

The girl is not stupid, she thinks, she tries to rethink it all - to embrace it with her mind and soul and intellect, but she doesn’t succeed, because besides this fucked-up thing, she doesn’t see anything. And then - what does she do? She starts to get crazy, and she changes her principles, and, most importantly, she begins to cover her soul with protective shells. What are protective shells? Protective sheaths are what cover the heart center, anahata. Moreover, in women there is a very powerful relationship between the heart center and the sexual center. By covering her soul with protective shells, like a lime crust, a woman simultaneously loses her femininity.

Why? Because, I say again, beauty and tenderness are what femininity is. Moreover, beauty is not that cold beauty snow queen when a woman shines, and the men all get stuck, but such a woman does not warm, that is, she is absolutely cold, frigid, nothing at all. And we are talking about spiritual beauty, warmth and tenderness. But, being a bitch, she covers her soul with protective shells, and why she does this - because she is in indescribable mental pain. This is such terrible pain - that’s why I talk about it so well - I experienced it myself, I know all this myself. I myself went through all these processes, and I also covered my soul with protections - I know perfectly well the mechanisms, how this happens in mechanics, in dynamics, how long it takes for the soul to be completely covered with these shells.

She begins to cover them, and she closes this tenderness, femininity - she blocks it completely. Moreover, it blocks itself. But she doesn't block it out of malice, she blocks it because she has no other choice, she really has no choice. Or, as they say, go and cut your wrists, just stop living by suicide, because the mental pain is simply hellish.

Well, what people tormented by this pain do to themselves is just fucked up. That is pain physical body, she moves away, and they strip themselves so that, “Mom, don’t worry.” At the same time, they do not feel physical pain at all, because the person does this in an altered state of consciousness, in a trance. A person in his right mind would not do such a thing. She herself closes, encapsulates her soul, but the soul is such a very delicate organ that, when the exchange of information with the outside world stops, it begins to rot from the inside. And - instead of the original qualities: tenderness, kindness, sensuality, femininity - poisons begin to be produced in the process of decay: frenzy, anger, rapacity.

Instead of the girl, Spider-Man begins to develop, such a predatory, hairy, healthy insect; the principles are completely different. If life is so cruel and unfair to me, although I don’t deserve it (she really didn’t deserve it), that they just beat me for nothing, mock me, then it’s probably right; then I will be the same. This is the main principle on which this frenzy is based. Well, a bitch, literally translated, is carrion. That is, this is a fallen woman, one who died in her soul and began to rot. And this corpse poison: instead of tenderness, just frenzy, instead of such goodness - anger, instead of the coziness and comfort that a woman should simply give to the surrounding space - this predation, impudence, tight-fistedness - all these bad qualities.

Qualities that then poison the woman herself, hinder her. And, most importantly, they accumulate in the soul, and the older a girl gets, the more baggage she accumulates. And therefore, these qualities, they deform the appearance of such a woman, and first of all they are reflected on the face.

In the previous chapters, I just said what types of faces I like. I talked about a certain facial mask, which causes me, for example, rejection. I repeat once again, there is a certain mask of bitchiness, it is clearly read not only by me, but by men in general.

If they have a trained eye, if the man is experienced, he reads this mask. This is a very characteristic specific facial mask, that is, it does not even depend on the structure of the face initially, on the structure of the skull, it is a purely facial mask. It can be used to clearly determine whether a woman is a bitch or not.

Again, the mask, the behavior, the feeling of poison that such a woman spreads around herself - all this forms precisely the rejection that she causes in men. If she is not spectacular at the same time, definitely ugly, then she simply causes dull disgust. Well, if they rush at her, then only they are completely pariahs among men, drunks, bruises.

And she simply repeats, as they say, the life of her mother - the mechanism of intergenerational transmission operates. If she is more or less beautiful, that is, she is not deprived of physical characteristics, then men first rush at her and then run away from her. Why? Because you can attract external beauty a man, but you can only hold him with your spiritual qualities.

Again, as for sex, sex is also a complete paragraph. Why? I say, a woman has a very strong connection between the soul center, anahata, the heart center and svadhisthana, the center of sensual pleasures. If, accordingly, the soul becomes covered with this crust, then this naturally affects the sexual center, and sexuality is directly suppressed.

They act there and it's clean psychological mechanisms. I say, at this training I explain in detail, tell, show, that is, it’s all visible on the graphs, I draw the model on a flipchart, and everything is clear there with arrows. Again, sexuality is repressed. Accordingly, such a woman simply becomes unsexy, sexually unattractive.

In the most severe, in the most extreme cases, but in fact this happens all the time, every second case is severe and extreme in Russia, it turns out that sexuality is suppressed to such an extent that the woman ceases to experience orgasm at all.

She becomes anorgasmic - she experiences orgasm from masturbation, clitoral, for example, but she stops experiencing vaginal orgasm, and moreover, orgasm during sex with a man. Or, as they say, he doesn’t even learn. Why? Because there is a powerful blockage in the sexual center, and in principle there is no talk about the development of sexuality.

Again, revealing psychological motives, a very bad vicious line of behavior is formed there, tied to pity - I’ll just say it in a nutshell. And when there is pity, there is no talk about sexuality.

And sexuality is not needed - rather, it gets in the way. Therefore, at the level of even life constructs, sexuality is completely suppressed, blocked, and no amount of training can bring it out.

Heartache I want each of you to express what makes you feel heartache. Stand facing each other and take turns saying phrases beginning with the words: “It hurts me from...” Make a list of your grievances and suffering. If difficulty arises, say