I am often asked about purely American jokes. It turns out that I had a selection of purely American jokes. I am publishing it here, albeit in an abbreviated form. I chose more or less funny ones. Read, for the sake of Saturday, laugh! 🙂
Collection of American jokes and anecdotes
Translated from English by Mikhail Genin (niho(a)estart.com) 2004
Rules: how to tell jokes and anecdotes.
- Be sure that you know the joke well and can reproduce it in your mind before you start telling it.
- Try to make it as short as possible.
- Avoid telling one joke after another and give the listener a chance to breathe.
- Remember that jokes must be funny and should not offend anyone present.
- Vary your jokes, even if you have favorites.
- Learn to tell a joke without laughing until you finish it.
Marty: “Did you hear Bob got kicked out of school for cheating?”
Wade: "How did this happen"?
Marty: "He got caught counting his ribs on a biology exam."
Coyd: “It was only by chance that I read the letter lying on your desk.”
Ken: "By chance"?
Coyd: “Yeah, I happened to be wearing glasses.”
He: “I’m glad I wasn’t born in France.”
She: “Why”?
He: “I can’t speak French.”
Bob: “With the money I saved, I bought a truss that was 10 miles long and half an inch wide.”
Joe: “Well, what are you going to grow on it?”
Bob: "I planted spaghetti."
Fred: “My uncle has the laziest rooster in the world on his farm.”
Bill: "How do you know"?
Fred: “He never crows at dawn. And, waiting until the other roosters begin to crow, he nods his head in agreement.”
Joe: "You're putting your shoes on the wrong feet."
Mo: “But I don’t have any other legs”!
“Every time I drink tea from a cup, I have a piercing pain in my right eye. What should I do"?
“Take the spoon out of the cup.”
"Is this Joe"?
"Of course it's Joe."
"Doesn't look like Joe."
"Don't worry, it's Joe."
“Then Joe, lend me 10 bucks?”
"I'll ask him as soon as he comes."
Ted: “I saw you pushing your bike on the way to work.”
Mad: "Yeah, I was so late I didn't have time to catch it."
Coyd: “Is it true that carrots are good for your eyesight?”
Fred: "Well, I've never met a rabbit with glasses."
Man: “Did you catch so many fish yourself?”
Boy: Oh, no. The worm helped me."
First boy: “Tell me, what’s the best way to teach a girl to swim?”
Second boy: “Well, it requires some technique. First, you grab her waist with your left hand. Then you gently take her left hand and "...
First boy: “She’s my sister.”
Second boy: “Oh, then you just push her off the board!”
The tenant on the second floor called the tenant on the first floor and shouted:
"If you don't stop playing that creepy saxophone, I'm going to go crazy."
“I'm afraid it's too late,” he replied. "I stopped playing an hour ago."
Host: “If you are going to stay overnight, you must prepare your own bed.”
Guest: “That suits me.”
Owner: “Here’s a hammer and a saw. Good night".
The teacher asked the students to list all the American states. One little boy answered so quickly and with such precision that she interrupted him.
“You answered very well,” she said, “much better than I could answer when I was your age.”
“Yes,” said the boy, “that is understandable, since there were only thirteen states then.”
He: “What would I have to give for a single kiss”?
She: “Chloroform.”
Joan: "I didn't mean to upset you, Dick, but I got engaged to Joe yesterday."
Dick: "Okay, what about next week"?
Him: “I believe I’ve seen your face somewhere else”?
She: “What are you saying, sir. It’s always here and with me.”
One important lady in Washington decided that she could talk to President Coolidge himself. Having caught him during lunch, she decided that such a moment had come.
“Oh, Mr. President,” she said, trying to disarm him with her directness. “I bet I could make you say more than three words.”
"You've lost," Coolidge replied.
The chief entered the warehouse and froze. He saw a boy leaning against the package and openly messing around. This was unheard of impudence in his enterprise.
“How much do you earn per week”? the boss asked menacingly.
"One hundred and twenty dollars."
“Here’s your one hundred and twenty. And now - get out of here. You're fired".
After the boy philosophically put the money in his pocket and left, the boss turned to the foreman and demanded: “Since when has this slacker been working for us?”
“Never, as far as I know,” was the answer. “He just dropped off a package for us.”
A beautiful young lady presented a check at the bank window to get cash. The clerk quickly checked the receipt and asked, “Can you identify yourself?”
After which the young woman opened her purse, took out a mirror from it and, after looking into it for a couple of seconds, looked at the clerk and said, “Yes, it’s me, don’t worry.”
One evening, a young woman returning from a first aid course came across a man lying face down on the unlit side of the street. “Now,” she thought, “now I will help this unfortunate man.”
Parking nearby, she ran up to him and began performing artificial respiration on the man.
At first the man coughed, then turned to her and, speaking with difficulty, said: “I turned on the flashlight for the guy working down in the sewer well. I don’t know what you thought, but I want you to let me continue my work.”
The girl got a job as a stenographer, and she had to pass a test for the correct spelling of words.
"How do you spell Mississippi"? asked her.
She thought for a moment and then said, “River or state”?
Salesperson: “I’ve been trying to see you all this week. When can you receive me?”
Director: “Agree on this with my secretary.”
Salesperson: “I made the deal and we had a wonderful time, but now I need to meet you.”
A young woman entered a bookstore and approached the sales assistant.
“Do you return money if the consumer is not satisfied with the quality of the product”? she asked.
“It depends on the product,” explained the seller.
“This product is a book.”
“What didn’t you like about her, madam?”
"Well," she replied, "I didn't like the ending."
Patient: “Will my artificial teeth look like real teeth?”
Dentist: “Madam, I made them so natural that they will even hurt.”
Man: (rushing into a hardware store) “Quick! Give me a mousetrap."
Seller: “One minute, sir”!
Man: “Don’t stand there like a pillar. Faster. I have to catch a taxi in time."
Seller: “Oh, sorry, sir, we don’t have such a big mousetrap.”
The heavy rock lover listened to the next disc and turned to his father, who was reading the evening newspaper at the time, with the exclamation: “Well, have you ever heard anything like this?”
The father raised his head and replied: “No, it’s unlikely. The closest thing I've ever heard to this was when a truck carrying empty dishes crashed into a truck carrying pigs."
For his birthday, his parents gave little Willie a bicycle and proudly watched his debut.
On the first lap, Willie shouted: “Look mom, I’m riding without hands.”
On the second lap he said: “Look, mom, I’m going without legs.”
For the third time: “Look mom, I’m eating without teeth!”
Photographer: (to a young man) “The picture will look much better if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.”
Father: “It will be much more natural if his hand is in my pocket.”
The girl returned home from college and enthusiastically told her father about the undoubted benefits of physical education.
“Just look at this exercise. To strengthen my arm muscles, I take this stick by one end and slowly move it from right to left.”
“Well, great!” exclaimed the father. “And what science doesn’t come up with! If the stick had straw at the other end, you could sweep the floor at the same time.”
The young husband, who agreed with his wife that they needed a vacuum cleaner, was very upset when his wife bought a super vacuum cleaner instead of the standard model.
“But, honey,” explained the wife, “it won’t cost more!” All we have to do is pay a little longer.”
Question: “How to quickly disperse the crowd”?
Answer: “Pass the hat in a circle.”
Having paid his hotel bill, the departing guest suddenly turned to the bellhop:
“Quickly, boy, run upstairs to room 454 and see if I left my pajamas and razor.” Run quickly, because my train leaves in six minutes.”
Four minutes later, the messenger returned, out of breath. “Yes, sir,” he reported, “they are indeed there.”
Two political candidates from different parties argue at a rally:
“There are a hundred ways to make money,” said the candidate, “but only one of them is honest.”
“And what is it?” asked his opponent.
“Yeah!” replied the first one. “I thought that you didn’t know this.”
Hearing the doorbell, the owner of the house hurried to open the front door and found an old friend and a large dog next to him.
“Come in! Come in!” he joyfully greeted the guest.
The friend entered the house and sat down, while the dog chased the owner's cat, knocked over a table lamp and several vases, eventually settling into the best chair.
When the guest was about to leave, the owner said with sarcasm in his voice: “Try not to forget your dog!”
“A dog? “I don’t have any dog,” answered the guest. "I thought it was your dog."
"How old are you"? the magistrate asked her. “Don’t forget, you are giving information under oath.”
“Twenty-one years and a few months,” answered the lady.
"How many months"?
"One hundred and eight".
“It’s so hot today that I don’t want to get dressed,” says Jack, getting out of the shower, “honey, what do you think our neighbors will think if I go out to mow the lawn looking like this?”
“I probably married you for the money.”
Oh my God! Grant me Wisdom to understand my husband, Love to forgive him, and Patience to withstand his mood swings. Because, Lord, if I ask you for Strength, I will beat him to death.
Amen
A good fairy appeared to a sixty-year-old couple on their 40th wedding anniversary. She said that since they were so devoted to each other, she would fulfill one of their deepest desires.
My wife wanted to go on a trip around the world.
Whack...! At that very second, cruise tickets were in her hands.
The husband wanted a woman thirty years younger than him...
Whack...! At that very second he turned into a ninety-year-old man.
Little David was not good at mathematics at all. Whatever his parents did! Teachers, mentors, special training centers, and no use. As a last resort, someone suggested sending him to a Catholic school. David was soon accepted into St. Mary's School.
Immediately after the first day of school, David ran into his room like a bullet, even forgetting to say hello to his mother. He began to study with all seriousness; books and papers lay all over the room. Immediately after lunch, forgetting about the TV, he returned to his studies. The parents were surprised.
This behavior continued for weeks until the report card arrived. David put the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great excitement, the mother opened the envelope. Her boy got an A in math.
She ran to him, hugged him and asked: “David, dear, how did this happen? The nuns helped you?
"No!" said David. “The first day I came to school, I saw this guy nailed to the plus sign, I realized that they were not joking here.”
Is humor a generally understood phenomenon, or a narrowly national one? Will our jokes be accessible to the British or Americans? Will we appreciate their jokes? I remembered an incident from the TV series “Friends” when the main funny man Chandler tries to give what he thinks is a hilarious toast at the wedding of Ross and Emily, where most of the guests are English. He didn't do very well...
And if they, native speakers of the same language, do not understand each other, then how will we understand their jokes? Let's look at the intricacies of English and American humor. Let's find originality, differences and similarities, consider specific examples of jokes and anecdotes.
That same English humor
England is a country of humor. Stand up (solo performance in front of a live audience), which is gaining popularity in Russia, first appeared in the UK. The funniest thing in the history of the sketch show (a program with short comedy skits) is also an English product (of course, I mean “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”). And humor in this country can be called a national trait.
To understand the peculiarities of English humor, you probably need to live there. While there is no such possibility, let’s be content with canned examples preserved in literature, films, songs and in the experiences of foreigners who moved to England and now complain in their blogs: “I moved 5 years ago, but I still can’t catch up...”. Let's begin!
The smile of an Englishman (part 7 of the film “England in General and in Particular”)
Self-irony: you can’t take yourself seriously
The English always laugh at themselves. Both over your personal qualities (features of appearance/character/manner of speaking, etc.) and over national ones (excessive politeness, isolation, etc.). In general, it is believed that a person who is able to laugh at himself is psychologically absolutely healthy. We conclude: the British are a spiritually strong nation.
For example
I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited
(Oscar Wilde)
I don’t want to know what they say about me behind my back; I already have a high enough opinion of myself.
I got nasty habits, I take tea at three. (Mick Jagger)
I am very poorly brought up: I drink tea at three.
I love talking about nothing, father. It is the only thing I know anything about. (Oscar Wilde)
I like to talk about nothing - it's the only thing I understand.
Sarcasm and irony towards the interlocutor
If they allow themselves to be laughed at, it means that the interlocutor will not be happy either. And not only him. Everything becomes an object of irony: the weather, political events, the barking of a neighbor's dog. In other words, the British find humor in everything.
For example
For our last number, I’d like to ask your help. Would the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands. And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry. (John Lennon)
The last number needs your help. Those in the cheap seats, clap. The rest of you just jingle your jewelry.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist the parachute. (Bernard Shaw)
Both optimists and pessimists make their contribution to society. An optimist invented an airplane, a pessimist invented a parachute.
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious. (Oscar Wilde)
Women have simply amazing intuition. They notice everything except the obvious.
Not a single muscle flinches: the famous equanimity
As Seamus Mac Manus (Irish writer) said, “Fear three things: the hooves of a horse, the horns of a bull, and the smile of an Englishman.” Yes, they joke always and everywhere, but they don’t change their facial expressions (you won’t even notice!). You need to always keep your eyes open. Humor is built on subtle hints, comparisons and euphemisms.
For example
“I really like how loud you play your music”, - the Englishman will say with a calm, slightly sly face, in response to which you should laugh it off in style: “Oh, yes, everybody loves me for that, that’s why I live alone”, and turn the music down.
They (the English) are incredibly serious, respectable and respectable, but suddenly something will flare up, they will say something very funny, sparkling with humor, and then they will immediately become respectable again, like an old leather chair. (Karel Capek)
The paradox is off the charts
I’m sitting and talking about the restrained but caustic British humor, with which one associates a cane, a hat and a cup of tea. And images of Mr. Bean, Benny Hill and the guys from Monty Python appear in my head. How so? The image of an intelligent wit does not fit with them! And this is the strangeness of English humor. Along with restraint and subtle irony coexists a love of oxymoron, grotesque, ridicule of everything and everyone in all possible forms.
Monty Python's Flying Circus miniature “Hitler”
Play on words, or Play upon words
English humor is most associated with the phenomenon of words. The lion's share of their jokes is based on the similarity and consonance of words. I can’t say that this is some kind of distinctive feature (we have pun makers, as well as in any other country). But in England this direction is especially loved. To understand such a joke, you need to know the language well, and to create a new one, you need to know it perfectly.
For example
– Excuse me sir, what is it?
- It's bean soup.
– I don’t care what it has been. What is it now?
– Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16?
– I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).
Types of jokes: how to become a pro in English humor
In any country there are certain types, one might say, patterns of jokes. How many variations do we have on the theme of Lieutenant Rzhevsky or the notorious Vovochka? Among English witticisms there are also such. For example, we can separately highlight:
- Knock-knock jokes (which, by the way, are also used in America)
- Q&A jokes (also used in the USA, and in Russia too)
- Cross jokes (based on a play on words, but with a special structure).
Now let's move on to the details. First, let's talk about knock-knock jokes.
For example
– Knock, knock!,- says the beginner making a joke.
-Who's there?– another participant answers.
– Earnest.– the instigator of the dialogue calls his “name”.
– Earnest who?
– Not earnest who – how earnest. In earnest.
You can laugh now. Above what? Let's figure it out. Knock-knock jokes are based on wordplay. In this particular example, the comic is based on the fact that Earnest is not only a name (Ernest), but also an adjective “serious”.
“Not a serious WHO, but a serious HOW. Very seriously." - answers the one who started the joke. So laugh.
There are a huge number of such jokes. If you come up with your own pun, feel free to wrap it in knock-knock form and play it with your English-speaking friends.
Q&A jokes are a classic version of the question-and-answer joke.(in the style of “ - How to drive a woman crazy? - Give money and close all the shops.”)
On a play on words:
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9!
We pronounce: “seven eight nine”, which sounds like “Seven ate nine” (seven ate nine).
On the meaning:
Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive!
As you know, in England, cars are right-hand drive. 🙂
Cross jokes, in which the joker asks the question: what will happen if you cross something1 and something2. And the result of the play on words is another pun. I'll show you with an example:
– What do you get if you cross a dog with a computer?
– A computer with lots of bites
Bites “bites”, similar to bytes “unit of digital information”.
Remember these names
To soak up the lively British humor, I advise you to watch films or performances with the participation of English comedians and stand-ups.
Jon Richardson, Jack Whitehall, Sarah Millican, Jack Dee, David Mitchell, Stewart Lee, Ricky Gervais, Lee Nelson, Simon Amstell, Jimmy Carr, Billy Connolly, Micky Flanagan.
American Humor: Forget the Banana Peel
American humor is funny. English is smart.(Steve Martin)
The phrase is taken out of context, but you can still build on it. Was the Englishman joking? Sometimes you won't understand right away. When an American jokes, you can tell for sure. No, I'm not talking about the “throwing cake in your face” stereotype. I find American humor very deep and interesting. But the American's joke implies a reaction from the audience - laughter. After it there will be a pause and noticeable anticipation of the joker.
The eel always looks like he just told a joke and is waiting for your reaction.
Just remember JD (the hero of the series “Scrubs”), who jokes, laughs himself and looks at the listeners with a question in his eyes: “You find it funny too, right?” Again, I won’t say that this is a national trait of some Americans, but it definitely distinguishes them from the British, who may not even show that they were making a joke. English humor can be called intimate, designed for a prepared audience. The American one, on the contrary, is aimed at the general public. There is more exaggeration, loudness and “antics” in it.
The topics for jokes in America are basically the same as everyone else’s:
- national characteristics (we joke about the Chukchi, the British about the Irish, Americans, for example, about Poles or Canadians),
- policy,
- celebrities,
- historical characters, etc.
True, one topic is still purely national - lawyers. Only the lazy do not joke about frequent judicial practices. I remember the parable film “Route 60”, where many features of American culture were shown: complete freedom (a city with legal drugs), gluttony (a man with a bottomless stomach), and in one of the corners of the mysterious route the main character ended up in a city of lawyers... Anecdotes on there is plenty of this topic too.
The film is a must watch!
For example
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
Excerpt from the series “Friends”
Another feature of American humor is impudence. In England, the most impudent meaning is likely to be wrapped in a solid shell. In the USA, both content and form can be daring. For example, you can watch the brilliant monologues of Lenny Bruce, George Carlin or the famous speech of Eddie Murphy (I would insert them into the text, but no censor will let them through).
Jokes with not very
I have seen this national American joke in many films and sitcoms, but a scene from the movie “Borat” will explain the meaning of the joke better than me (by the way, pay close attention to the classification shown on the board).
Isn't it obvious?
Another type of joke that I discovered in the vastness of the sitcom “Friends” (it’s not for nothing that they tell me that I am the first person in the world who was completely brought up by TV series). So, just an example:
– Would you like one?– a colleague offers Chandler a cigarette.
– Would Joey like two pizzas?- he answers her, meaning that his desire to smoke is as obvious as the desire of the glutton Joey to eat as many as two pizzas alone.
There are a lot of jokes built on this principle in the series. Apparently this is a really common thing.
Remember these names 2
And again I urge you, reader, not to take my word for it, but to watch American comedians in action.
Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, Jerry Lewis.
We had a good laugh
In fact, such discussions about humor are largely meaningless. Of course, the humor is different (thanks, Cap). Foreigners will not understand jokes about “I’ll buy my wife boots,” and we don’t like jokes about Baptists. After all, a joke will be successful when it corresponds to a certain culture.
But still, there is something purely national, not only in the subject matter, but also in the nature of the humor (which, in principle, is what we were talking about). I hope the discussion was interesting and fun. Although no, I don’t pretend to be funny: let the above-mentioned professionals in this field make you laugh :)
Good day! Perhaps English humor is famous all over the world. The British, like no one else, know how to joke, both at others and at themselves. English humor, on the one hand, is witty, subtle and sarcastic, and on the other hand, flat, rude and prim. It all depends on how much you understand the mentality of the British, the culture of the country and the language itself. English jokes are most often momentary impromptu.
Understanding English HumorFor the first time, Soviet viewers heard good English jokes while watching the film “Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.” In the mid-90s, the British comic programs “Mr. Bean” and “The Benny Hill Show” appeared on our television screens, where we encountered sarcastic and slightly rude English jokes with translation. At first, such jokes in English caused misunderstanding and bewilderment, but later we began to better understand the specifics of these jokes, and even fell in love with the humorous shows of the English.
Researchers of British character unanimously confirm the opinion that humor is a national trait of the British. This trait was cultivated in England for centuries, considered one of the most important human virtues. In the old British treatises on manners and manners, it is said that a sense of humor must be cultivated in order to achieve perfection.
Subtle humor and self-irony haunt the British everywhere: on radio broadcasts, in television programs, in the media, in books and in everyday life. Native speakers no longer feel it as keenly and react to jokes as foreigners do, because for them this is already a peculiar way of thinking. The most common form of humor, which is characteristic of the British, is fun for general fun and joy.
If you don’t understand where to laugh, then I advise you to delve into the culture or history of Great Britain, or pay attention to complex words (from two stems). For example:
— Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
— Regular rocks are too heavy.
Why do people wear shamrocks on their clothes on St. Patrick's Day?
— Because ordinary stones are very heavy.
So what's so funny? - you ask. The fact is that the word shamrocks contains the word rocks, which is where the “salt” lies.
I hope these simple notes will help you understand English humor at least a little. But still you will not be able to fully master all the subtleties of a good old English joke. To do this you need to be born an Englishman.
Read jokes with translation! Have a good mood! See you later!
A Russian and an American went to hell, Satan asks them:
- Well, which hell do you want to go to, Russian or American?
American:
- How is it different?
Satan:
- Well, in American hell you have to eat a bucket of shit a day and do whatever you want, but in Russian - 2 buckets of shit.
- Well, I’ll go to the American one, there’s less shit there.
- And I’m a Russian, I’ve lived in Russia all my life, which means I have to go to Russian hell.
A month passes, a Russian and an American meet, the Russian asks:
- Well, how is it in American hell?
- It’s normal, I eat a bucket of shit a day and I’m fine, but how are you?
- And here, like in Russia, they won’t deliver shit, then there aren’t enough buckets for everyone!!
All Americans go to heaven when they die. Because, unnoticed by the Apostle Peter, the gates of hell are slightly shifted.
A tribe of cannibals caught an American, a Frenchman and a Russian. Leader:
- We will eat this skinny Frenchman for breakfast... We will eat this fat American for lunch...
Tribe:
- Shall we eat Russian for dinner?
Leader:
- No, we will let the Russian go, I studied with him in the same group at MGIMO.
The main difference between a Russian and an American patriot is that the Russian hates America, while the American doesn’t care about Russia.
One shark says to another:
- Why are you so fat?
- I eat tourists from Russia.
- It's dangerous! They can kill you!
- No! It’s when you catch an American or a German that your fellow countrymen rush to help. And if these, then their compatriots shout:
- Have fun, bro, how exotic! And they film it on video...
An American soldier returns from the front and travels through England on a train. All the seats are occupied, only an Englishwoman is sitting in one compartment, there is a dog on the seat opposite her, and an Englishman next to her.
- Lady, let me sit down!
- You Americans are all very rude! Can't you see, my dog is sitting here!
- But lady, I’m very tired, I fought for three months at the front, I want to sit down!
- You Americans are not only very rude! You are also annoying!
- Lady! I also love dogs, I have two of them at home. Let me sit down and hold your dog in my arms!
- You Americans are not only very rude and annoying! You are simply unbearable!
After these words, the American soldier takes the dog, throws it out the window and sits down. The lady is speechless. The Englishman sitting next to him says:
- You know, young man! I don't agree with her definition of Americans at all, but let me point out that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, you're holding the fork in the wrong hand, and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!
An American, a Chinese and a Jew were sitting in the restaurant.
- Everyone got a fly in their soup.
- The American immediately caused a scandal.
- The Chinese ate a fly.
- And the Jew sold his fly to the Chinese.
The Tsar told the American, the French and the Ukrainian that no matter how long they rode across the field on a horse, all that land was theirs. Well, the American gallops for an hour or two, looks back - “Eh, this will be enough for me and my descendants for the rest of my life!” The Frenchman galloped...an hour, two, three, four - he touched the horse, “But no, the horse is tired, and this land is enough for me.” The climax moment is a Ukrainian galloping. An hour, two, three... days, the second went, the horse is already falling exhausted, he gets up and runs-runs-runs, but his strength leaves him and he falls backwards to the ground, takes off his hat and throws it forward, shouting “And tse fuck tomatoes!!”
US software makers have made a stunning discovery. It turns out that the reading speed of Russians is hundreds of thousands of times higher than the reading speed of Americans. This became obvious after counting the milliseconds it takes the average Russian to read the user (license) agreement and click *AGREE*.
A Russian sits in a cafe and has an afternoon snack. He has a sandwich with jam and muesli on his table. An American comes up to him and, chewing gum, asks him:
- But you Russians eat whole bread?
The Russian responds:
- Certainly! And what?
An American blowing a bubble out of chewing gum says:
- But we don’t! We Americans only eat the crumb and collect the rinds in containers, process them, make granola out of them and sell them to Russia!
The Russian is silent. The American, again blowing a bubble gum, asks:
- Do you Russians eat sandwiches with jam?
The Russian responds:
- Of course we’ll eat!
- But we don’t! In America we only eat fresh fruit. We collect seeds, peels and all sorts of scraps into containers, process them, make jam from them and sell them to Russia!
And the satisfied one inflates the bubble again. The Russian was finally pretty offended by this and he, in turn, asked:
- What do you do with condoms after use?
American:
- We throw it away, naturally.
Russian:
- But we don’t! We Russians collect them in containers, process them, make chewing gum out of them and sell them to America.
