Here comes, probably, the most long-awaited moment in the life of every woman - I became a mother. Here lies this little lump, so defenseless, and I stand over it and nothing moves inside me. And I'm getting scared. What if it doesn’t matter, what if I can’t love my child!? But the maternal instinct woke up. My love for my children is limitless. I love my children very much and will do anything for them and for them. but the maternal instinct does not always awaken in a woman.
I have a friend, her son is almost 7 years old. I can't say that she doesn't love him at all. No, he loves, sometimes even as if very much. But this is all very revealing, for the public. She dresses him very well, he is always clean and well-fed, but his eyes are very sad. Apparently the child feels that the mother only has an obligation to love him. But he is her son! She had to wake up on his own, without coercion. But the mechanism did not work, and she did not feel anything when the baby was born. I didn’t feel it when he spoke to her for the first time, or even when he said “Mom” for the first time. She herself admits that she doesn’t want him, doesn’t want to kiss him, feel sorry for him, or praise him. No, of course she kisses him and praises him, but only because it’s necessary, without “extra” emotions. She doesn't scold him or yell at him, but she doesn't think about him when he's at school and she's at work.
The birth of a child was not a surprise to her. She married for love. Live for yourself. An apartment, a car, a good and favorite job. Planned child. Easy pregnancy, normal birth. But there was a failure in the system - and love for the child did not awaken. When he was little, deep down in her heart she wanted him to die. I just stopped breathing at night. But he grew up, went to first grade, but nothing changed.
The baby loves his mother very much, reaches out to her, but she is cold, I feel sorry for her, I know that she is in great pain, but I can’t help her. I can't make her love her child.
Is love for a child really inherent in nature? After all, there are parents who abandon and get rid of their children. And how many of those who simply pretend that they love. Probably, after all, this is an acquired feeling. After all, men do not have maternal instinct, but sometimes it is stronger than maternal instinct. Some people just don't get to experience this feeling.
But I don’t understand HOW you can not love your child!? Yes, I scold my children, Yes, sometimes I want to give one of them a good spanking, but I can’t imagine life without them. After all, they are part of me.
Love your children! Pamper them, and don’t be afraid to spoil them, because no one knows what life has in store for them.
That evening, I saw my mother naked for the first time, I stood on my mother for the first time, I masturbated on my mother for the first time. Mom waited until I finished watching the football game and went to my room to go to bed.
I fell asleep quickly, trying to drive away thoughts of my mother. But in the morning it seemed to me that I was dreaming about my mother, she was naked again and for some reason she was running through the meadow with flowers towards me. I woke up with a huge boner in my underpants. And now dad will come.
But in the morning nothing happened, there was no conversation. Everything went as usual, only I was tense, and my mother seemed to be too.
But now, all the following days, my head was filled with vulgar thoughts about my mother. I waited for dad to be on the night shift so that I could spy on mom.
Before going to bed, I always thought about my mother. Now I was already fantasizing about having sex with my mother in different positions. When I jerked off before bed, I imagined that my mother was doing it to me. I wanted to go up to her myself and tell her how much I liked her and that I wanted her. I even came up with the conversation myself, saying, teach your mom about sex, how it’s done, and the like.
One day, I came home early from university and several classes were cancelled. I stripped naked and sat down on my bed. Fantasies about sex with my mother entered my head. Closing my eyes, I saw in my thoughts my mother’s chest, how it swayed. My hand lay on my penis and I began to slowly stroke it. I lay down on the bed, with my eyes closed, continuing to masturbate my erect end. With my second hand I began to feel my nipple, twist it, it always turned me on. The sperm was quickly coming to an end, but I wanted to prolong the pleasure and not cum. Moreover, lately I have been jerking off so much that sometimes I lose count of how many per day. I got up and went to the bathroom, poured cold water on my penis to calm it down a little. This didn't help much; my penis stuck out like a spear. I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich and tea. Lately I've been enjoying walking around the house naked when no one is there. Today dad is at work, mom is at work until 5, you can relax. Having already sat down to drink tea and visit the boutique, I heard the sound of the door opening. What to do? Running into the bedroom naked along the corridor, they will immediately see you as stupid. I couldn’t get anywhere from the kitchen without going out into the corridor in front of the front door. I stood there at a loss. At least not dad, for some reason it immediately flashed through my head. The penis also did not fall, but froze in an upright position. I heard the noise of shoes being taken off, everything happened quickly.
I was silent.
Mom quickly walked along the corridor, but apparently saw me out of the corner of her eye in the kitchen and returned. I quickly grabbed a kitchen towel from the chair to cover my household.
- "What are you doing?" – Mom asked, taken aback.
“I’m uh,” I didn’t know what to come up with.
- "Do you drink tea?!" – either my mother asked or found the answer for me.
“I just, he stood up, so hard, I was scared, what to do, I decided to sprinkle water,” I began to talk nonsense.
- “At 18 years old, should I spray it with water?” - Mom smiled.
“Yes,” I lowered my gaze.
- “And you didn’t know what to do?” – Mom entered the kitchen.
- “Yes” - the member began to descend.
“Well, show me,” my mother came up and removed my hand.
“Mom, don’t,” I mumbled.
“Well, he didn’t get up,” she said, looking at my hanging penis.
“You’re just dressed,” I said quietly.
- "That is?" – Mom looked into my eyes.
I couldn't figure out whether she was angry or not. He was silent.
“Maxim, I know that you spied on me when dad was at work,” my mother blurted out, unbuttoning her fur coat.
“It happened by accident,” I looked at the floor, again covering my belongings with a towel.
“Do you even understand that this is not right, that you can’t do this, I’m tired of you here,” my mother summed up, taking off her fur coat and hanging it on a chair.
She was wearing a beautiful burgundy dress, short, hugging her chest and ass, her belly sticking out a little, which further adorned her mother and added charm. My penis immediately reacted and began to rise, it brazenly grew hard under my hands. I pressed on him, thereby bringing him even more into an erect state.
Mom saw my hand movements. I looked at myself.
- “Do I excite you so much?” – she herself was confused.
“Yes, you are very beautiful,” I honestly admitted.
“Thank you, of course, but...” Mom fell silent and again removed my hand, looking at my penis.
Now he did not hang, but simply hardened and rose under her gaze.
“Mom, I like you, I want you to teach me everything, to show me, I haven’t had it yet,” I blurted out.
“But I ran home for a minute and forgot my documents,” said my mother.
Thus she didn't say no. I blossomed. We had to take everything into our own hands.
“Mom, please, I won’t be able to stand it for long anyway,” I took a small step, approaching her.
- “And what should I do?” – now my mother spoke quietly.
- “Just take it in your hand” - I took her hand and pulled it towards my penis.
Mom didn’t resist, her hand was limp. She was looking down at my dick. She gently touched my head with her fingers. A shiver ran through me, I was ready to cum at that very moment.
“Take it in your hand,” I said.
Mom wrapped her fingers around my shaft and
I ran over it gently. I closed my eyes. She squeezed it with two fingers and began to pull back the skin on the head, tugging it back and forth. I jerked my hips and began to cum. Strong shot of cum. The liquid flew out and landed on my mother’s dress, in the tummy area and under her breasts. Mom didn’t remove her hand, she just kept it on my shooting barrel. There was a lot of sperm, even a lot. I moaned, trembled and came on my mother.
“Wow, wow,” said mom, when the last drop of salty sperm began to run out of the penis, flowing down onto her finger.
- “Sorry, mom, I’ll wipe it now” - coming to his senses and looking at her run-in dress.
“No need, now I just need to wash it,” my mother said and removed her hand from my penis.
She turned around and walked out of the kitchen.
I was standing in the kitchen. Damn, how could I cum so quickly, I didn’t even notice it myself. I heard mom go to the bathroom. The water turned on, she was probably taking a shower. I wanted to go to her and stand with her under the stream of water. But now I didn't dare. He sat down and drank tea.
“No,” I answered honestly.
“Then go get dressed,” I heard my mother walk into the hall.
I finished my tea and walked down the corridor. Walking past the hall, I saw my mother standing at the ironing board, she was ironing her dress. She was wearing only black lingerie, fishnet panties that hugged her ass beautifully. I stopped.
“Mom, you’re beautiful,” I said.
“Thank you, go to your room,” her gaze fell again on my rising member.
“Mom, can I touch you?” I entered the hall.
“Maxim, go to your room and get dressed, I beg you,” mom put the iron aside.
She turned to face me. Her breasts bulged beautifully like white balls from her bra.
“Your breasts, they are so beautiful.” I couldn’t take my eyes off her tits.
Mom took the dress and covered her breasts.
“Maxim, don’t get this wrong,” she tried to stop me.
“I know, but just look and touch, nothing bad will come from it,” I insisted.
“Probably not,” my mother thought.
“Well, I’ll just touch it and that’s it,” I came closer and waited for her to remove the dress herself.
“Maxim, I’m in a hurry to go to work, a car is waiting for me downstairs, they’ll call now,” my mother insisted.
“Just a second,” I reached out and began to try to unfasten her bra behind her back.
Mom did not resist, she stood covered with her dress. Oddly enough, I succeeded quickly. But my mother held him and her dress against her chest. My dick was already sticking out in combat readiness. I looked down, and my mother looked there too. Taking half a step forward, I rested my dick on her tummy. Mom stepped back. I put my hand on hers, trying to get her off my chest. She slowly lowered her hand with the dress. My hand slipped one of the straps off her shoulder. Now I wanted to prolong the pleasure. She looked at me, there was confusion in her eyes. Mom put the dress behind her on the ironing board. She reached out her hand to my penis and took it with her fingers. She began to slowly move them along the trunk. I pulled off her bra and put it on the board. Her nipples stuck out point forward. I understood that she was very excited. Placing his hands on her breasts, he slowly ran them over them and squeezed them. She was soft, but still quite elastic, her nipples were hard between her fingers. Her movements became faster, she silently began to jerk off my friend to me. I groped her breasts, squeezed them, played with them. Mom grabbed my penis with both hands and began to jerk it off quickly. With her thumb she very confidently and professionally stroked my head, delighting me.
- “Can I kiss you?” – I asked.
“I won’t kiss him,” my mother probably didn’t hear the questioning intonation in my voice.
“I want to kiss you,” I smiled slightly.
“Oh, sorry,” my mother worried.
Now she began to jerk off the penis even faster. I leaned towards her tits and pressed my lips to one nipple. Starting to pull it into yourself, play with it with your tongue, licking it in a circle. Mom moaned softly, grabbing my dick with one hand and quickly pumping it. From this I came to orgasm quickly.
I twitched and sucked the nipple into my mouth harder.
“It hurts, Maxim,” mom moaned.
Yes, exactly, she moaned. I released the nipple from my mouth. I looked down at her hand on my dick.
“Sorry mom, I’m cumming,” he jerked his pelvis forward.
I started shooting shots of cum all over her panties and stomach. She didn't remove her hand while slowly jerking my dick. There were fewer shots now, but still a lot. I saw how my salty sperm flowed down her tummy and into her panties. Mom was now slowly stroking my penis, squeezing out the last drops of liquid that flowed onto her fingers. I breathed heavily, looking at my mother's chest. He took her in his hand again and began to knead and paw.
“Maxim, I have to go,” my mother said, removing her hand from my trunk.
She went to the bathroom, I quietly followed her down the corridor to my room. Mom didn’t see that I was following her. Just before entering, she brought her finger to her lips and licked it.
I was in seventh heaven. Entering the room, I fell on the bed, naked.
- “Maxim, I left” - after 5 minutes I heard my mother’s voice.
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Question for a psychologist:
Hello. My name is Raisa, I'm 23 years old. I'm married. The marriage is registered and married. My husband and I really wanted a child. And finally I found out that I was pregnant. First child! I really wanted a girl and I find out that I will have a daughter! Of course, I was very happy about this event, but I began to worry that I did not have any particularly tender feelings for the little man who lived under my heart. I was looking for psychological articles on this topic and calmed down a little when I found out that for many people the same thing happens, and the feelings come after childbirth, when you directly see the child and spend some time alone with him. The birth took place 4 months ago, very difficult, long, painful. The child was born lifeless, he was resuscitated, and brought back from the other world. I also received a lot of tears, cuts, bad consequences that now cause discomfort, and in the future, which is very likely, I will have to have surgery. And so the child came into this world. I hold him and FEEL FEAR FOR HIM, NOT LOVE. No tender feelings. It’s much more pleasant for me to do all the routine housework, just not to be alone with my daughter. I don’t understand how grandmothers can coo with him all day long. I am afraid to be alone with my daughter, which I have to do very often. I can't wait for my husband to return from work. I watch films about motherhood, wonderful photographs of mother and child, full of tenderness, wonderful poems about love for children, I look for these feelings in myself, but they are NOT there. I demand them from myself, but nothing works out for me. When your daughter starts being capricious, you just want to spank her, not calm her down. After giving birth, she had to stay in the regional children's hospital, and I was sent home, because I had to come to my senses myself. I could neither sit nor walk normally. I leave my daughter, and deep down I am glad that I will be at home without her. I UNDERSTAND that this is not right, but I can’t do anything about my callousness. The husband dotes on his daughter. I feel very calm and good when she is with him. I conscientiously try to take care of the child, do everything that is needed, but sometimes I have to pretend and play FEELINGS. And at the same time, when I had a dream that she was being taken away from me, taken away, I sobbed, I was ready to do anything to get her back. What should I do? Will I really never be able to truly experience the JOY of motherhood? How to change your feelings towards your child? Thank you in advance.
Psychologist Nadezhda Sergeevna Klobukova answers the question.
Good afternoon, dear Raisa. You are wonderful!!!
Your desire to understand your feelings and yourself is certainly admirable.
Be kind to yourself. Yes, your attitude towards your daughter now is not what you would like. But maternal instinct may not “unfold” immediately. Your feelings are clear and understandable. The situation of having a baby is completely new for you. And it’s quite normal that you don’t feel any tenderness and trepidation right now. Your fears are natural. As soon as you gain experience, you will feel easier and calmer. And that same love will come and you will be infinitely happy that you have a daughter, and maybe not only her. Now you try to treat yourself more calmly, do not demand from yourself what you cannot give. Just live and enjoy every day. Time is inexorable. The day will come when you will smile at the uncertainty you felt when your baby was born.
Every day, when you wake up, tell yourself: “I am the most wonderful mother in the world for my daughter. I experience different feelings - these feelings are mine and I accept them.” Take care of your daughter as best you can. If you need help or advice, contact your loved ones. Look for communication with moms like you or moms with more experience. You will see that many people experience feelings, sometimes even such seemingly terrible feelings as anger, and do not suffer from it. Man is multifaceted and unique. It is important to accept yourself, your feelings, thoughts.
And the main thing is that nature, God, if you like, takes care of you. You have all the resources to be a Mom. Hormones, biochemistry, etc. and so on. - all this works for motherhood. After all, the Lord God chose you to bring your daughter into the world. This means that he also made sure that you are the best mother for your child. You can give her everything so that she grows up in love and harmony.
When you feel negative towards your daughter, please put her in the crib or any other safe place for the baby and step away, count to 10, take a few deep breaths into your stomach and exhale - suck in your stomach. Do an eye exercise: up and down, left and right, and in circles, or comb your head.
Now go back to the baby.
When you manage to leave your daughter with someone close to you, REJOICE, enjoy this moment to the fullest :) You deserve it. After returning home, thank mentally (or out loud, if you want), kiss your child that she gave you such an opportunity to be alone with yourself or with your husband or with anyone else. And don't forget to thank your relatives)))
In one of the “mom’s” Facebook groups, more than 70 women responded in the first 24 hours. They wrote that immediately after the birth of the child they experienced relief, joy, fear, responsibility, fatigue and a whole range of other feelings - but they were not covered by the wave of love promised by books and friends’ stories.
Photo source: pixabay.com
Lena K., The mother of a one-year-old girl says that she imagined the birth of a child in pink tones:
I was looking forward to this moment - the baby is born, I take her in my arms, hug her tenderly, and melt into love and affection.
But this did not happen - after a long and painful birth, only apathy was felt, and the child’s first cry did not evoke any feelings.
In the first days after discharge Lena did everything that was required to care for the child, but mechanically, without experiencing any emotions— and cried when her husband left for work.
Lena couldn’t understand what was happening to her, and also I scolded myself for not being able to give birth to a child naturally— a long labor ended in a caesarean section.
Photo source: Univision
Oxytocin, or the bonding hormone
In books about pregnancy and childbirth they say that the birth of a child is accompanied by a huge surge of feelings, unconditional love and an extraordinary feeling of happiness.
Really, When a child has skin-to-skin contact, oxytocin, also called the “attachment hormone,” is released.
Photo source: VIP 24
Oxytocin plays a role in the formation of characteristic “maternal behavior” - the desire to protect and feed the baby. Levels of this hormone increase during sex and when the mother or father holds the baby.
At the same time, it is quite difficult to measure its concentration, because this hormone breaks down very quickly - but in studies this can still be done.
Scientists have found that during a completely normal pregnancy In different women, oxytocin levels can be very, very different - from 50 to 2000 pg/ml.
In addition, there was no definite pattern of its changes: in some, the concentration of oxytocin continued to increase throughout pregnancy, in others it decreased, and in others it fluctuated.
Photo source: pixabay.com
What does this mean in practice?
That any woman can find herself at the lower end of the spectrum, and there will be no immediate fall in love with a newborn, even if all wishes for the most natural childbirth are met.
On the other hand, although after a caesarean section, especially a planned one, there is no sharp release of oxytocin into the blood, its background level may be high enough to form an instant attachment.
It turns out that the surge of love for a newborn is largely due to hormones.
Peer pressure
Pressure from others also does not help you feel like a good mother - and it is expressed by health workers, relatives, and even friends who do not have children.
Anastasia I. says that after giving birth without pain relief, the first thing that came was relief that the job was done - but the doctor immediately commented:
“Why aren’t you happy?”
For some reason, her childless friends had the idea that motherhood dramatically fills life with meaning and unconditional happiness, and when she tried to talk about the difficulties, Anastasia heard only an annoying answer:
“But you are doing a great job”.
Condemnation can arise for any reason - and admitting that you don’t feel love for a newborn seems simply indecent(it’s not for nothing that most of the heroines asked not to indicate their last names).
Photo source: Roditelji.h
Natalya L. says that a couple of weeks after giving birth, she walked down the street with a stroller and cried, realizing that feels nothing for the child except a sense of responsibility, - she wanted her past life back.
When she responded negatively to a friend’s comments about how cool it was to be a mother, she caused a wave of anger and a story about how she was a bad mother.
When do feelings start to change?
It's different for everyone. Many mothers say that love came along with pity or fear when the child first got sick— his defenselessness caused a new wave of emotions.
Others admit that fell in love with your son or daughter closer to a year or even later, when tangible feedback appeared: smiles, speech, active actions.
Photo source: pixabay.com
Actually, depression in the first days after childbirth, the so-called baby blues, is no less well-known phenomenon than hormonal euphoria.
It’s not customary to talk about him - and it’s understandable why, because we still live in a society where “being positive” is encouraged and crying is frowned upon.
It would be great if resources devoted to pregnancy and childbirth, and specialists when caring for patients, honestly told that when a child is born, you can experience a variety of feelings - and in most cases they are normal and do not in any way characterize maternal qualities.
Loving your own child, it would seem, what could be simpler? For 9 months you live with your baby as one whole, you feel him, imagine what he will be like, dream about him. The child is born and... and then you realize in horror that you do not feel any emotions for the newborn. Or that your feelings are not at all as strong as you imagined them to be. What is this? How to behave in such a situation? Is this normal? All these questions are asked by mothers who have such a problem. Let's talk about this situation in more detail.
Photo from the website chaechka.ru
Let's start with the fact that it has long been no secret to anyone that the maternal instinct in some mothers awakens immediately with the appearance of the baby, while in others much later. This is not a pathology, it’s just that everyone has their own complex organism.
The next very important point is the state (physical and psychological) in which the mother went through the entire pregnancy, her attitude towards pregnancy, the fears and stress that she experienced and how easy (or vice versa difficult) the 9 months of pregnancy and the birth itself were. Many mothers mistakenly believe that if they got the child they wanted with great difficulty (difficult pregnancy, threat of miscarriage, poor condition during pregnancy, various types of abnormalities, difficult birth or birth with complications, etc.), then they will love him must very much, having gone through such a difficult path.
But in fact it turns out that feelings do not come: everything is smooth and calm. Don't worry about this right away. Childbirth can be compared to a rather complex operation, and many experience such stress during the birth process that then the body itself is not able to produce any strong feelings, it just needs time and rest. Often, many mothers experience postpartum depression, when not only the child, but the whole world becomes unlovable.
Another reason for the lack of emotions can be disappointed expectations. A person is designed in such a way that he cannot simply wait for some event, he necessarily imagines it, often to the smallest detail. And so, you have repeatedly imagined how very soon your little angel, your beauty, etc. will appear, and they bring into your room a slightly blue or, on the contrary, very red baby, who cries all the time and demands something. And he doesn’t look at all like the angel you imagined and already fell in love with.
Photo from the site mamainfo.com.ua
Do you even wonder if this is your daughter (or son): is there anything mixed up? Yes, not all babies (even 6 hours after birth), when they are washed, carefully wrapped in diapers and brought to their mother for their first feeding, look like adorable pink-cheeked little ones. Everything is very individual and mother should not be afraid of this. 3-4 days after birth, the baby will look completely different.
So, how can you evoke that same love for a newborn or help it manifest itself more strongly?
Firstly, you should accept your feelings for your child as they are and not deny the obvious. For example, the fact that you react very calmly to your newborn son or daughter, or even that the baby annoys you with his constant screaming, because you always want to sleep, your back hurts a lot, the postpartum tract ache, etc. You are a living person, not a robot, you have the right to different feelings.
Secondly, after you have accepted what you feel, focus on the baby in terms of caring for him: feed him, swaddle him, touch him more, do gymnastics or just stroke him, touch his arms and legs, talk to him... Very soon you will be convinced that some feelings will begin to appear in you - it could even be just interest, but this is more than nothing. The further you go, the more you listen to yourself and your heart and concentrate on the positive feelings and good emotions that you experience when communicating with your baby. Every day you will become closer to your baby.
Photo from the site
Thirdly, with the birth of a child, the support of her husband, family and friends is very important for the mother. Moreover, it is desirable that she feels this support while still in the maternity hospital, and not when she and the baby are brought home. After all, it is so important that the expectant mother is in a good mood, feels happy and smiles. It is in the maternity hospital that it is most difficult, especially when it is the first birth: there is no husband, no mother, no grandmother nearby. There is so much to do, but you don’t know how to approach it; you have to do many things for the first time in your life. You are afraid of doing something wrong and harming the child, but there is no way to lean on your own shoulder.
Here I want to give my own example. I had a difficult birth, the baby was large. To be honest, after my hero was born, my first thought was: “Am I really still alive?” And there were tears, and a lot of stitches were put in. I was breathing every once in a while... However, when in the morning the nurse handed me a gift from my husband into my room: a huge armful of bright red roses, each one and a half meters long, I wanted to live again. I don’t know how many roses there were, but the girls and I had a hard time pushing the flowers into a cut-off 6-liter water bottle. There was some realization that my feat was appreciated... All week, looking at these hefty bright red beacons, I smiled, thought that I would soon go home, where we were loved and expected, and I felt better.
Photo from the site
If in the first weeks after giving birth you have already tried a lot, but you understand that love for your child has not awakened, still do not despair. You simply cannot help but fall in love with your offspring: time and your care will do their job. The main thing is not to move away from your baby, on the contrary, try to be closer to him. You should be seriously concerned when you feel uncontrollable aggression towards your child or obvious hatred (not to be confused with the ordinary irritation that almost all mothers experience from time to time). Here you need the help of a specialist, a visit to whom should not be put on hold. Love your kids and let them love you.
