How psychotherapy helps you get rid of shame. Get rid of shame once and for all - recommendations for working with feelings of shame

The content of the article:

The feeling of shame is embarrassment, self-condemnation, when a person is embarrassed by what he has done, from the realization that his actions could cause harm to others. This is a feeling that is unknown only to people without complexes or cynics. However, they are also ashamed of themselves because of missed opportunities in life. Consequently, this feeling is familiar to almost everyone. You just need to understand the varieties and causes of the condition that has arisen, which affects the soul and body.

The influence of shame on a person's life

Strange as it may sound, beauty is not the only thing that will save the world. He will be helped by a society that consists of harmonious people who know their worth. Excessive self-doubt and programming for a guilt complex can destroy the life of any person.

Don’t confuse embarrassment from an accidental offense with a systematic sense of shame in a vulnerable and sophisticated nature. Guilt is something that can become a temporary phenomenon in the life of a person who has made a mistake and feels discomfort because of it. With a feeling of shame, everything is much more complicated, because in this case other psychological mechanisms are at work.

Experts in the field of human souls and actions determine the influence of a feeling of shame on a person’s life according to the following parameters:

• Low self-esteem. A subject who considers himself the worst may become exactly that in the eyes of society. No one wants to deal with a depressed person who is always doubting themselves.
• Fear of public opinion. The feeling of shame is very often nothing more than the fear of appearing different from everyone else. Some people don't understand that this is not bad at all, and drown their lives in an ocean of self-flagellation.
• Blocking wishes. Psychologists say that shame makes a person give up his dreams. A vulnerable introvert emotionally freezes from the prospect of social condemnation artificially created for himself.
• Self-contempt. This parameter is very close to low self-esteem, but is its most extreme point of development. A constant feeling of shame makes a person such a complex person that he has no time to evaluate the actions of others in the process of self-destruction.

The main reasons for a person to feel shame

Sometimes it is worth focusing attention on those people who have atrophied such a feeling as shame. Such individuals should not only be feared, but it is also necessary to completely stop communicating with them. However, there is a category of people who do not harm others and need help. The reasons for their problems may have a very different educational nature, which should be sorted out.

Sources of shame in children

The reasons for this phenomenon primarily lie in the following factors:

1. Parents' little sacrifice. Very often, adults do not think about their words, which they utter in anger or with the best intentions only for themselves. Phrases like “are you waiting for me to die” or “why are you not like Vanya from the next door” cause irreparable harm to the child’s psyche. The child begins to think that he is really worse than the neighbor’s kid. The worst thing is that Vanechka can grow up to be an egoist, and a child with a good position in life, thanks to his parents, will become an outcast. A feeling of shame will be a constant companion for such a victim of parental pedagogical illiteracy.
2. Stencil child. It is very easy to identify such children or teenagers. Cliched adult phrases and a lack of personal opinion are the hallmarks of these children. Tyrant parents, of course, love their children, but they want to raise them to resemble themselves. If a child either cannot or does not want to meet this standard, the mechanism of guilt is triggered. At first this will be expressed in doubts about one’s worth and in relation to one’s parents, and then an adult will begin to be ashamed of everything and everyone.
3. Outcast from the children's group. No one has yet abolished the concept of the influence of the social environment on a person. The film by the wonderful director Rolan Bykov, “Scarecrow,” clearly and harshly shows this very phenomenon. The child's psyche is very fragile, so a feeling of shame can be instilled due to the elementary cruelty of peers towards the chosen victim.

Sources of shame in adults

He should understand for himself the main reasons for the impasse that has arisen, which can be characterized as follows:

• Humiliation by a loved one. We trust our family and friends, so we open our souls to them. Sometimes they then selflessly spit on it, causing very severe trauma. When analyzing the act, it is simply impossible to figure out why his relatives could do this to him. The result is shame for oneself, because the one who was closest and dearest hit me in the gut.
• Unpleasant life situation. Very few people can boast that they are not afraid of the fact of being compromised in the eyes of society. Only shocking people or a category of the population under the sonorous popular name “don’t care” are happy about this. One moment of shame can turn even a very self-confident person into an openly harassed person with a constant feeling of shame.
• Victim of gossip. A bad person is the one about whom the main guardians of public opinion do not like to gossip. Such individuals do not notice their sins and mistakes because of the iron principles that their actions cannot be condemned, since everyone is ideal. As for neighbors, colleagues, or even a person passing by with a disgustingly happy face, in this case, intensive work is underway to spread misinformation. Someone will simply smile at this fact, but many can become hostage to such public opinion.

Remember! In each of these cases, you need to remain yourself. To succumb to the pressure of strangers in case of provocation means to directly abandon one’s own “I”.

Signs of a shy person

However, psychologists have been able to find “traps” that clearly identify people with a similar position in life:

1. The desire to be invisible. Modesty is a wonderful feeling that especially adorns graduates of the boarding school for noble maidens. No one claims that arrogance is a worthy human quality. However, the passion to get lost in the crowd cannot be an adequate desire of a self-sufficient person.
2. Frequent mood changes. This manifestation of the essence is also typical for melancholic people, who are subject to not strong, but long-lasting outbursts of anger. Such people are ready to destroy the offender, wipe him off the face of the earth, and at the same time turn it around its axis. The plans described are grandiose in scale, but only a revenge developer with a chronic sense of shame knows about them.
3. Suicidal tendencies. If we do not take into account mentally ill people who simply cherish the dream of a beautiful death from life, then this desire clearly reveals the owner of a chronic guilt complex. Among people who want to commit suicide, the largest percentage are representatives of the club of active self-torturers.
4. Irrational behavior. Violation of adaptation in this case makes a person an explorer of his own soul. He is so immersed in his complexes that he does not care about analyzing the life of his neighbor, who is a chronic alcoholic. Such a person has only one thought in his head: I am the worst, period.

Varieties of personality depending on the manifestation of feelings of shame

It would seem that there is no reason for alarm, but such people are easy to identify by the following signs:

• Blue thief. As already mentioned, this category of people is easy to calculate. Their sense of shame is hypocrisy and outright meanness in its most sophisticated manifestation. Consequently, it would be a stretch to call such a contingent people bashful.
• Victim of childhood trauma. In this case, it is worth saying that a person could have had a different position in life if he had had a different format of upbringing in childhood. Practice shows that most broken destinies and broken families have an underlying cause of crippled childhood.
• Secret psychopath. Very often, individuals with a chronic sense of shame suffer from the fact that they cannot throw out their negative emotions. Basically, these are melancholic people with prolonged bouts of aggressiveness, which they keep inside themselves.
• Thirty-three misfortunes. The classic loser often becomes hostage to such concepts as chronic feelings of guilt and shame. He is haunted by misfortunes, so he considers himself a worthless person and a toy in the hands of fate. At best, he will perceive what is happening with a smile, ashamed of his mistakes in life. At worst, he will give up his life, considering himself an outcast from society.

Note! In the life of every person there are streaks of failure or stressful situations that do not spill out. In this case, it is important not to allow feelings of shame and guilt to infiltrate your life and destroy it.

How to overcome feelings of shame

The question of how to get rid of the feeling of shame can be solved this way:

1. Self-hypnosis. No one can convince himself as much as the person himself. “It’s a shame when you see that you have nothing to show” is an excellent expression in this case. They discuss - it’s wonderful, they impose complexes - they remember, they don’t give life - that means you are their meaning of being. You need to act exactly according to this scheme so as not to become a hostage to chronic feelings of guilt.
2. Reassessment of life values. Very often we are ashamed of what is truly beautiful. Many are afraid to show their sentimentality or hobbies that are borderline kitsch. It is only important to remember that all people are individual and cannot be standardized. In this case, you should not be ashamed of yourself, because the norm is a very approximate concept.
3. Visiting a psychotherapist. In this case, even a friend will come in handy, who will take on the mission of a vest for the copious tears of a friend. If the problem is out of control, then the help of a specialist will not hurt, but, on the contrary, will significantly ease your state of mind and help establish internal harmony.
4. Extravagant act. People don’t give bad advice when they say that wedges are knocked out with wedges. There is no need to go to extremes such as walking naked down the street or singing folk songs in the city’s central park. You just need to find out for yourself the cause of false shame and try to solve it in an alternative way.

Shame- this is a feeling of strong embarrassment, awkwardness, discomfort from the awareness of the reprehensibility of one’s act, behavior, action or personality quality. Why does shame arise and how to deal with it?

Feelings of shame fall into the category moral feelings, that is, those that arise and develop in the process of education and socialization of a person. This is not an innate experience, but an acquired one as a result of social learning.

There are actions that are simply not customary to perform in public, although in themselves they are not something illegal. Everything in the world is relative. What may be completely normal for one person may be immoral for another. Moral standards change over time both in society and in the minds of individuals.

Morality- These are socially accepted ideas about good and evil, right and wrong, proper and inappropriate behavior.

Shame arises only when its object, that is, any action or quality:

• socially unacceptable, that is, considered immoral;
• observed or noticed by people around.

A person will not be ashamed to commit an action that can be assessed as shameful, completely alone or when he is sure that there are no witnesses around.

But, if an individual evaluates an act performed alone as immoral, another negative feeling will arise - guilt.

Shame and guilt are forms of emotional expression conscience. They are often felt simultaneously and reinforce each other.

If a person has developed conscience as a functional apparatus that formulates moral duties and implements moral self-control, he will certainly be familiar with feelings of guilt and shame.

Development of the sense of shame in phylogenesis and ontogenesis

What a modern person is ashamed of would not cause a drop of remorse in a person who lived in a cave in prehistoric times. The feeling of shame was formed along with the development of civilization and each individual society and state.

Some peoples have more developed modesty and they traditionally behave in a reserved, modest, cultural manner, while others have complete freedom in their mentality to express themselves, regardless of “What will people think?”

Research by anthropologists and ethnopsychologists suggests that it is precisely among those nationalities whose mentality is based on the attitude of focusing on society, the collective, and traditions that shame plays an important role in people’s lives. In cultures based on individualism, shame is not as common.

At first, the child is not ashamed of anything, but constantly learns moral standards, so at his age from 3 to 7 years an understanding of what “shame” and “ashamed” is, as well as such character traits as conscientiousness, bashfulness, shyness and other moral qualities develop.

A small child, for example, is not embarrassed by his nakedness when his parents change him or bathe him. He is not yet familiar with morality, but very soon begins to understand that any action of an intimate nature must be performed alone with oneself, and it is a shame to do it in front of people.

American psychologist G. Allport notes that the absence of a sense of intimate shame hinders personality development. Indeed, it is so. Without conscience and shame, a person grows up to be an immoral individual. Moreover, shamelessness and lack of conscience in children, and especially in adults, often become symptoms of mental pathologies.

As in any issue related to education, in the formation of a sense of shame, it is important to know when to stop. It is bad when a person behaves selfishly, does not take into account the opinions of others and commits immoral acts, but it is also bad when a highly developed sense of shame develops into such personality traits as excessive modesty, shyness, tightness, lack of communication, and complexes.

Why is shame harmful?

People with an exaggerated sense of shame suffer from low self-esteem, self-criticism, an inferiority complex, and a feeling of contrived immorality to such an extent that they simply cannot and do not allow themselves to be happy, considering it indecent or inappropriate.

It is important that a healthy sense of shame, designed to regulate a person’s behavior, does not turn into a way to punish oneself with pangs of conscience!

A person “immersed” in intense shame and tormented by thoughts of how he will now be perceived in society is capable of rash, risky and irreparable decisions and actions. Out of overwhelming feelings of shame, some people commit suicide.

Shame is normal feeling when it was provoked by an objectively shameful event or action, but if the reason far-fetched or feeling too strong, long-lasting and negatively affects the quality of life, it undoubtedly needs to be gotten rid of.

Shyness- a character trait that indicates a willingness to experience feelings of shame often. Shyness prevents a person from expressing himself as an individual and developing, as it is accompanied by shyness, indecisiveness, and lack of initiative.

At the same time, shame makes a person more responsible, reasonable, organized, careful, prudent, punctual, not to mention the fact that people around him perceive such a person as modest and decent.

The subject, who often feels shame, is persecuted fears to be ridiculed, misunderstood, humiliated, insulted, to be subjected to undeserved criticism, to become an outcast or to be rejected by loved ones.

Shy people are afraid to commit a shameful act, which is why their level of anxiety is usually increased and their self-esteem is decreased.

How to overcome shyness

To control any strong emotion or feeling, you first need to learn how to control it. to identify, that is, to understand that it arose and name it.

By what signs, other than an internal feeling of discomfort and thoughts like “I’m ready to fall into the ground now!”, can you recognize shame?

When a person is ashamed, a series of physiological reactions:

• redness of the skin (the appearance of blush on the cheeks),
• increased pressure,
• rapid pulse,
• holding your breath,
• increased sweating.

Shame can be recognized by the accompanying at will quickly move away from the object or stop the action that causes shame. When you are ashamed, you want to escape both from shame and from yourself. Since this is most often impossible to do, a person tries "to become invisible":

• lowers his head and shoulders,
• hides his gaze
• covers his face with his hands,
• takes the most closed position.

Usually, causes shyness, which interferes with development and fulfillment, is rooted in events that occurred in childhood. Children are often scolded and shamed excessively or needlessly. Understanding the reasons shyness helps to re-evaluate the feeling of shame, work through and get rid of negative memories, and at the same time excessive feelings of guilt with or without reason.

For example, a woman is ashamed of her appearance because she believes that she has an ugly nose shape. Once in her childhood, her classmates ridiculed her and made her feel ashamed of her appearance. Beauty is a relative concept; you should not be ashamed of your appearance, if only because it is part of a person’s individuality and uniqueness.

Another common cause of excessive feelings of guilt is taboo, prohibitions, prejudices, prejudices and other strict, conservative ideas.

When something taboo has been done, shame literally fetters a person and “programs” him for the rest of his life to be ashamed and afraid of repeating what happened. People often hide shameful personality traits, habits, and do not share memories for which they are ashamed.

No one has the right to judge and condemn a person, and mistakes and actions for which one is ashamed are committed by every person in his life and more than once. By reducing the importance of taboos or getting rid of them altogether, you can cope with feelings of shame.

If just half a century ago it was considered shameful for a young girl to live with a man in a civil marriage (cohabitate), today, on the contrary, it is considered correct to live together for some time before entering into an official marriage.

To get rid of the tormenting feeling of shame for any action or, in general, from annoying shyness, psychologists recommend learning:

You should not run away from the problem of an exaggerated sense of shame. You need to work on yourself, and if necessary, seek help from a psychologist.

Shame is one of the most harmful and destructive emotions a person can experience. It occurs when people are disappointed with their behavior, comparing it with their own or social norms. Feelings of shame provoke self-destruction and risky behavior, use of alcohol and drugs, and can also lead to long-term physical and emotional problems, including pain, depression, low self-esteem and anxiety. It is important to understand that you can avoid such problems entirely by making a serious effort to overcome shame and learn to value yourself and your own achievements. You are so much more than the action you once took, the word you spoke, or the emotion that arose.

Steps

Part 1

Stop striving for perfection. Trying to live up to perfection in any area of ​​life creates unrealistic expectations, low self-esteem, and feelings of shame when we fall short. The idea of ​​perfection is a social construct created by society and the media that we will be perfect people if we look, act and think a certain way, but it has little to do with reality.

Down with the constant repetition of the past. Constantly thinking about negative feelings can cause excessive feelings of shame and self-hatred. According to research, constantly thinking about your own feelings of shame causes depression, social anxiety and even increases blood pressure.

Show yourself compassion. When the danger of flashback arises, begin to practice self-compassion and kindness. Become your own friend. Instead of scolding and berating yourself (“I’m a stupid and worthless person”), try treating yourself the way a friend or loved one would. To do this, you need to monitor your behavior and understand that you would not allow your friend to allow such destructive thoughts for him. Self-compassion has many benefits, including mental health, increased life satisfaction, and decreased self-criticism.

Think less about the past. For many people, shame paralyzes them in the present moment; they become restless, fearful, depressed and extremely critical of themselves. It is very important that the past remains the past; it cannot be changed or turned back, but you can change the influence of the past on the future. Be able to overcome your shame and live a vibrant life.

• Change and transformation are always possible. This is one of the main advantages of human nature. You don't have to hold on to the past your whole life.
• Life is a long journey, and you can always recover from a difficult period.

1. Be flexible. Stop reacting to your experiences from an all-or-nothing perspective. This line of thinking widens the gap between our expectations and real possibilities. Stop perceiving life in black and white, when it is often grey. There are no true “rules” of life; all people think and behave differently, creating their own variations of such “rules”.

   Don't be influenced by others. If you have negative thoughts, they may be caused by people around you, even close friends and family. To overcome shame and move on with your life, you should minimize the number of people who “poison” your thoughts.

   • Try to perceive negative statements as weights weighing 10 kilograms. They put pressure on you and it’s hard for you to straighten your back. Free yourself from such burdens and remember that people do not define your personality. Only you can decide who you really are.

2. Develop awareness. Self-awareness therapy has been shown to make it easier to accept yourself and reduce feelings of shame. Mindfulness is a special method that invites you to learn to observe your emotions without escalating the situation. In other words, you learn to coolly analyze your experiences without suppressing them.

   Learn acceptance. It is important to accept what you cannot change. You are you, that’s how it should be. A number of studies show that acceptance helps people move beyond the cycle of shame and begin to live fulfilling lives.

   Part 2

   Increase your self-esteem

   1. Focus on the positive. Instead of wasting time feeling shame for not living up to made-up standards, focus on your successes and accomplishments. You will understand that you have something to be proud of, and your contribution to this world is no worse than that of other people.

      Lend a helping hand to others. It has long been known that those who help others and volunteer have higher self-esteem than others. It may seem counterintuitive that helping others makes us feel better, but science suggests that connecting with others increases our positive perception of ourselves.

   2. Daily positive judgments. Positive judgments are meant to boost your self-confidence and encourage you. Such actions have a positive impact on self-esteem and also increase self-compassion. After all, you don't blame your friends the same way you blame yourself; you show empathy when they feel guilt or shame. Treat yourself the same way, be kinder. Take a moment each day to say out loud, write down, or think about positive thoughts. Here are some examples:

      • “I am a good person and deserve better, even if I have done questionable things in the past.”
      • “I make mistakes and learn from them.”
      • “I have a lot to give to the world, benefit myself and others.”

   3. Distinguish opinions from facts. Many of us have a hard time separating opinions from facts. A fact is an immutable truth, while an opinion is your thoughts based on some facts, but they are not facts.

      • For example, “I am 17 years old” is a fact. You were born 17 years ago, this is indicated in the metric. No one will argue with this. But “I'm stupid for my age” is an opinion, even if you can find evidence for it, such as not being able to drive or not having a job. However, if you think about this opinion more carefully, you can see it in a critical light. Perhaps you don’t know how to drive because your parents have to work a lot and simply don’t have time to teach you or don’t have the opportunity to send you to courses. Not having a job could be because you're looking after younger siblings after school.
      • Taking a more sober look at existing opinions helps you understand that paying close attention to the details can change your attitude.

   4. Appreciate your uniqueness. By comparing yourself to others, you deceive yourself in assessing your own individuality. Remember that you are a unique individual with much to give to the world. Leave the shame behind and shine the way you can and should.

      • Focus on your individuality and the things that make you you, rather than hiding behind the veil of social conformity. Perhaps you like to combine incongruous clothes or listen to European pop music and know how to make all sorts of crafts. Discover these sides of your personality, don't hide them in the shadows; you will be surprised (and delighted!) at what new facets you can discover if you hone your skills and thoughts. Alan Turing, Steve Jobs and Thomas Edison were all individuals whose uniqueness helped them achieve unique discoveries and achievements.
      • Nowhere does it say that you HAVE to look like everyone else, have the same hobbies, or live the same lifestyle. So, no one is obliged to follow fashion in clothing or music, or have a family and children by the age of 30. This is promoted by society and the media, but is not the ultimate truth. Do what you like best and what makes you happy. Remember that you should only please yourself. You can’t escape yourself, so listen to your inner rhythm, not someone else’s.

A person may experience feelings of shame or guilt several times throughout the day.

We reproach ourselves because we got up late or went to bed late, and did not earn as much money as our classmate or fellow student.

For allowing you to eat too much, for not achieving success in your career or personal life, for not finding a witty answer in time, and for much more.

The problem is that it is not for nothing that the feeling of shame is called hidden, because when you are ashamed of something, it is difficult to talk about it, which is why it is so difficult to cope with.

So, scientifically speaking, shame is a reaction to the violation of any norms.

To put it simply, we feel shame because we are afraid of being rejected because we have actually or allegedly violated one or another norm.

Why shame and guilt are not the best helpers

Anyone can make a mistake, but many, instead of simply learning their lesson, continue to suffer from shame and consider themselves worthless people.

Such shame often comes from childhood. From those times when we were told that “you are bad” or “you are bad”, without specifying what exactly we don’t like about us, and without explaining what we need to do to become “good”.

Unfortunately, this is what parents, teachers and other authorities sometimes do.

Therefore, we often enter adulthood with a subconscious feeling of guilt, shame and the desire to please everyone.

Taking into account people's opinions and behaving correctly is important, but it does not mean that you should dance your whole life to someone else's tune.

If you have offended someone and know about it, everything is simple - you need to realize it and apologize.

But you should deal with the feelings of guilt and shame that are imposed on you in order to manipulate.

Step 1. Determine in what situations these feelings appear

The reasons for imposed guilt and shame may be different, but the picture is often similar. At these moments, we often see ourselves as small and defenseless, while disgruntled big people target us with disapproval.

Doesn't remind you of anything?

We come from childhood, and there is often the root of our problems. Deep down, we may still not be adults, no matter how strange it may seem.

While you remain a child on a psychological level, you may unconsciously allow other people to educate and punish you as if they were your parents.

The privilege of an adult is to be responsible for oneself and to be equal to others, to engage in dialogue, to defend one’s principles and one’s right to make mistakes.

Step 2. Understanding our own principles and desires

If you are tormented by feelings of shame or guilt, try to remember situations when you behaved the same way, but did not experience these feelings. Notice the differences between shameful and comfortable memories. Did others think so, or did you think so yourself?

Most often, comfortable memories are distinguished by the fact that instead of focusing on how you look in the eyes of others, you thought about the situation itself, how to fix it, what to do.

Use this experience for new situations!

Without awareness of your own standards and principles, you will automatically try to adapt to others, make mistakes, feel guilty and will not be happy.

Take a simple test

Take a notepad and write down in it what you (namely you, not your mom or dad, friends or family) think about such important issues:

• what happiness and success mean to you;
• money;
• career;
• own business;
• parenting;
• acceptable style of clothing and behavior;
• what an ideal home should be like;
• what an ideal vacation should be like;
• etc.

It may turn out that you received opinions on these issues from someone else. From the environment, teachers and lecturers, from favorite stories and fairy tales, from parents...

And they weren’t even questioned!

But now you have the right to decide for yourself what is considered correct and ideal for yourself.

Step 3. Enlisting support

Find yourself a support group. These could be your loved ones, your friends. Talk to them about your fears, insecurities, feelings of shame and guilt.

Become such a support group for others.

After all, even one warm word can radically change a person.

Step 4. What does astrology say about shame and guilt?

If you too often feel guilty without guilt, astrological indicators may be the reason.

Saturn is responsible for the feeling of shame and guilt in the horoscope.

And the themes of the horoscope house in which Saturn is located can especially evoke feelings of guilt and shame.

Also, the concept of shame can be associated with a weak planet, which is in the sign of its fall. In ancient texts, the fall was called “the place of shame of the planet,” that is, here it seems ashamed to show its nature.

Zodiac signs in which the planets will be in fall:

• Sun - in Libra
• Moon - in Scorpio
• Mercury is in Pisces
• Venus - in Virgo
• Mars is in Cancer
• Jupiter - in Capricorn
• Saturn is in Aries

So, let's summarize

What you need to do to deal with feelings of guilt and shame:

• If you are objectively guilty, then apologize.
• In all other cases, figure out in what situations feelings of guilt and shame appear. Remember similar situations when you felt comfortable and draw conclusions.
• Understand your own principles, desires and preferences. We carry out the test and separate our principles and desires from those imposed from the outside. You have the right to live your life and decide for yourself.
• Enlist the support of friends and loved ones. Form a support group to make changes easier.
• Study your horoscope, work out Saturn and the planets in their fall.

Even if it’s difficult for you now, take the first steps towards yourself.

Allow yourself to be who you are, stop blaming yourself.

And never hang your nose, otherwise you won’t see the sky :)

With respect and good luck,

Everyone experiences worries about wrong words spoken or actions done. In the heat of the moment, they said something offensive to a loved one, without thinking, they did something that they later repented of. There are many such situations in everyone's life. And everything would be fine, but only our conscience reminds us of each of them. And it has no statute of limitations. You may remember that event for years and even decades. Today we’ll talk about how to get rid of shame.

About the main thing, about the eternal

We may not admit what we have done to anyone, not ask for forgiveness, or perhaps the action went unnoticed by others. And only you yourself remain its witness. And sometimes this is even worse than public condemnation and sincere repentance. Time passes, and the unfinished situation continues to plague the person. Psychologists call this state an incomplete gestalt, where you will be faced with feelings of guilt or shame again and again until you turn to face it. Only by living this situation to the end can you free yourself and begin to truly live.

Psychologists know well how to get rid of shame and teach this to their clients. But not always a person wants to seek advice, trying to help himself on his own. This is also possible, and today we will learn this together.

Source of problems

If you feel that life has ceased to make you happy, that you live every day in the vain hope that tomorrow there will be relief, but this does not happen, then it is time for internal psychotherapy. When we talk about how to get rid of shame, we don’t even mean mental anguish. These thoughts usually come in the evenings, at a time when you are not too busy with work and are ready to relax. But instead you are overcome with anxiety. Anxious thoughts and feelings of shame can eat you from the inside.

Surely you have heard that all diseases are caused by nerves. But not everyone tries this on themselves. But psychosomatics cannot be discounted. Are you having digestive problems? Plagued by attacks of headaches and anxiety? Are old injuries aggravated? It is quite possible that this is due to our internal experiences. If the same episode constantly plays in your memory or is repeated in your dreams, then you should think about how to get rid of feelings of shame or guilt.

What it is

When we talk about the feeling of shame, we, first of all, mean experiences that are associated with events that have occurred, actions taken or, conversely, imperfect actions. We will not talk about crime and punishment, or morality. This is a slightly different aspect of the problem under consideration. The feeling of shame has been studied in psychology for a long time and very carefully. First of all, because it has a huge impact on a person’s life and sense of self.

Let's separate the concepts of “shame” and “guilt”. They are very similar, but, nevertheless, they also have differences. They have one nature - it is something made by man. But if the feeling of shame in psychology is considered a social phenomenon, then guilt is a very deep personal experience. That is, if the act had witnesses, then the person becomes ashamed. And if he is alone with his experiences, then guilt is formed.

Good or bad

Is it bad if a person has a conscience, you ask. After all, only the most inveterate criminal can not feel remorse for what he has done. On the one hand, you are right. But a strong feeling of shame is rather a negative phenomenon. We won’t talk about the severity of the offense now, because this is already a special case. But often conscience does not help to live, but, on the contrary, causes significant harm, leading to nervous breakdowns and illnesses.

Whether it’s good or bad, the deed has already been committed, and it must be taken for granted. A strong feeling of shame often does not take long to arrive. It is a constant reminder of what happened, as well as the retribution that lies ahead. Here everyone can understand differently, some will expect quite expected material losses, others will expect a “boomerang effect” or torment in the afterlife. Regardless of what the punishment represents in your mind, waiting for it often becomes an unbearable ordeal. A person quits his job, breaks off relations with family and friends only because he could not forgive himself for his mistakes.

A strong feeling of shame is destructive. You cannot learn to live with him; you need to find the strength within yourself and forgive yourself for what you have done. Of course, it is best to explain things to your opponent, but this is not always possible. That person may be unreachable or may already be dead. It is quite possible that you have long been forgiven, but you continue to experience torment and remorse. You can get rid of the feeling of shame if you really want it.

Where does it come from?

“We all come from a terrible childhood.” This is what the famous psychotherapist S.A. Kovalev said, and this phrase does not lose its relevance. The constant feeling of shame sometimes comes from there. Remember the endless “Aren’t you ashamed?!” for spilled tea, torn jeans, for lingering in the yard, I didn’t get an A in math. And many, many more for what. Our parents reproach us for ruining our textbooks and clothes, complaining that we will now have to work two jobs.

That is, the child’s burden of guilt grows. He hasn’t even gone to school yet, but he’s already guilty and owes it to the whole world. Of course, he will develop a feeling of shame, since there are so many prerequisites for this. How does this affect the child's personality? Very simply, he gets used to the idea that he is bad and only causes harm to his family. Moreover, he does not have the right to accept gifts and signs of attention, otherwise he will later be blamed for this and will definitely be asked to report what he did with it. We can talk endlessly about feelings of guilt and shame; this problem is as old as the world.

Why are we instilled with a sense of guilt from childhood? It's very simple: it makes it easier to control the child. Our parents were raised this way, they passed on the same stamps to us. And we will vaccinate them in our still healthy children.

Learning to live in a new way

Is it possible to live without being tormented by a feeling of inferiority? Live in a new way, forgiving yourself and knowing how to ask for forgiveness from others? How to overcome feelings of shame and give yourself the opportunity to “breathe deeply”? It's no secret that we ourselves model our destiny. We build it with our behavior and actions. And all the negativity that takes place inside you will attract similar things from outside. As a result, you should not be surprised by problems and failures.

The balance of your inner world is disrupted. There is no harmony in it, and troubles will be attracted, like a magnet, by your sense of your own uselessness. Let's learn to live differently, in harmony and without guilt.

Who is to blame and what to do

Let's now move on to practice. How to get rid of feelings of shame about the past? First you need to figure out whether this feeling is true or false. If you really did a bad thing, you have to face it and admit it. It’s not enough to just admit, you need to ask for forgiveness and compensate for the damage. But it is worth noting that in some cases this does not work. Or it works, but not completely. There are practical recommendations from psychologists who will tell you how to get rid of feelings of shame and disgrace.

Self-esteem

This is a very important point. Inflated self-esteem is not very good and also suggests the presence of problems. You need to adequately assess your strengths and role in public life. But if you are talking about how to remove the feeling of shame, then the issue of working on self-esteem comes first. The more dependent you are on the opinions of others, the more you will experience feelings of guilt and shame. Take advantage of auto-training, because a self-confident person will be much calmer, he will make fewer mistakes, and the less likely he will have to suffer from shame.

The first step to working on self-esteem is a success journal. Take a nice notebook and write down at least 10 points on which you did well today, did a great job, and the like. It can be anything. The next day, repeat the work. Now the most important thing. You should take some time over the weekend and carefully read 70 things you were the best at. This is an excellent piggy bank that helps increase self-esteem.

Effective exercises

We continue to work on self-esteem. Since you won’t be able to get rid of feelings of guilt and shame overnight, you need to achieve results gradually. Psychologists recommend the following exercises:

• The first exercise is to learn to love yourself. Not all people can have ideal proportions from a fashion point of view. Individuality is where the special beauty of people lies. If you don’t like being overweight, sign up for a gym, consider yourself a failure, open a photo album and look for happy moments. Believe me, you are surrounded by many people whose problems are much more serious than yours. And many of them manage to smile and be constantly in the spotlight.
• "The publication". To strengthen your self-esteem, you should work on your image. It is enough to carefully choose an outfit, do your hair, and you will begin to catch admiring glances.
• Say “No” to your fears. On the bus, stand next to the driver, facing all passengers, boldly look around the cabin and smile welcomingly. If you are afraid of speaking, try giving a short speech.
• Learn to forgive yourself. A negative result is also a result. The main thing is that you tried.

Learn to smile in any situation. If you are dissatisfied with everything, you will never become successful. Hence the fears, mistakes, shame.

Overcoming shame

What does psychology tell us about this? How to get rid of the feeling of shame with the least loss for your personality? There are several steps that you will have to take:

• Take a blank sheet of paper, sit comfortably and close your eyes. Remember the event that makes you feel guilty. Now open your eyes and try to describe it as carefully as possible. Try to avoid others judging your actions, and don’t label yourself.
• At the end of the story, try to identify the reasons that prompted you to commit this act. Maybe this is a subjective view, but that’s exactly what you thought back then.
• Close your eyes again and imagine a cage inside you. Feelings live in her. Somewhere here there is a feeling of shame. It came to you as a teacher, and you locked the cage, which is why you are now suffering. Open the front door and see what happens. After that, open the back door and let the wind of change freely rush through it.
• The sheet on which you outlined all your sorrows must be destroyed. You can come up with a method yourself, but it’s best to burn it and scatter the ashes.
• You can finally get rid of the feeling of guilt by sharing what you have done. It is best to do this in church, that is, repent to a priest, or go to a psychologist.
• In your story, a person was injured and you cannot compensate him for the damage? Think about how you can repay the debt. Even if a person is no longer there, he still has relatives who have everyday needs. Perhaps you can help one of them in word or deed.
• And the last step is to forget everything.

What should you do if ominous thoughts come to you again and again? Do the job again. You will be surprised, but the imaginary cage can be locked again, and a certain image is swirling in it again. Repeat the exercises and you will soon notice that your thoughts begin to visit less and less often, and your soul becomes much calmer.

I am the Universe

No matter what happens, you cannot treat yourself as a lost or worthless person. Once you get rid of the feeling of guilt, harmony and calm will return to your life. Of course, there are also ordinary cases that are much easier to resolve. For example, how to get rid of the feeling of shame after drinking? Indeed, having too much, you can behave not quite adequately, for which you can be very ashamed in the morning.

First of all, don't hide from those you've been drinking with. The more you stress yourself out, the more difficult the first meeting will be. The best thing to do is grab some cold drinks and go visit someone. Try to turn the incident into a joke by telling a couple of jokes about last night. If you were not the only one who drank alcohol, then most likely the memory of others will be slightly clouded as well.

If you allow yourself to drink, then accept the consequences. You have not become worse, but in the future you need to decide for yourself not to drink large amounts of alcohol. Then such troubles can definitely be avoided.

Instead of a conclusion

Feelings of shame or guilt are a strong and sometimes decisive factor that dictates what your life will be like and how much you can enjoy it. If you want change, then it's time to start working on yourself. Only at first glance it looks complicated. In fact, psychotherapy is immersion within oneself, creative exploration and gentle correction. And the results will delight you, as they will allow you to qualitatively change your life. Many people say that after such work, life begins to play with bright colors, and even the most mundane things begin to bring pleasure.