Being dependent on someone is experienced in different ways. Someone happily gives all the care for their loved one to another person. Others, on the contrary, run away from addiction as soon as they smell it.

However, no matter what kind of person you are, it's okay to not get caught up in difficult relationships and vile stories the newfound ones will help you three types of independence. Once you have them, you can freely go towards any goal.

1. Financial independence. Own source of income

They say to the child: “We won’t buy it, you behaved badly.”

The woman is told: “I won’t buy you a fur coat, I don’t deserve it.”

What's the difference then? Why is this person considered an adult?

In fact, the first thing an addict or someone who fears addiction should do is to ensure their bread and their roof over their head.

Believe me, if you are sure that with your profession or skills you are able to provide yourself with minimal benefits (you will survive in any case), you will never agree to stay in an extremely difficult relationship. This is the answer to the question of how not to depend on others. First of all, make sure that there is no leverage left on you.

Then it won’t even occur to your partner, boss, parent or God knows who else who will take care of you to threaten you with a piece of bread. Because you are capable – and yourself.

If you are not yet capable, hurry up and take care of it. Get an education. Go to work. Gain skills and experience. In any case, they will remain yours - for life. Not a bad investment, right?

2. Emotional independence

“You are a bad daughter, son, grandson, employee, spouse, man, woman” and thousands of other roles. Behind them is a desire to “lift yourself up” at your expense: something like “I have the right to judge you.”

“It’s your fault that my heart hurts, my side hurts, I gave birth to you in agony, I got sick because of you, I lost money, my only chance in life.” This keeps feelings of guilt on a tight leash.

“I desperately need you, I can’t survive without you, I’m trying for you, I really need you, I love you so much” - soft pillow passive aggression smoothly descends, blocking the breath of the potential “rescuer”.

Emotional independence comes from the experience of “I am good enough, I have the right to live, I have the right to want.” If you had a completely different childhood, and now you sometimes doubt your right, the right to your desires (not to realize them, but at least to desire and look for how to accommodate them in this life) - welcome to your most primary birthright.

And then the question of how not to depend on others emotionally does not arise.

Your foot will not be in those relationships where you have to pay for love:

By obedience,

Time that you are not willing to devote to a person voluntarily,

Money you didn't intend to give

and many others.

3. Independence from other people's opinions

There is such a belief: “You cannot refuse authoritative opinion" For some, the authority is mother, for others it is Ivan Petrovich, for others it is absolutely fictional character. It is also impossible to abandon the generally accepted opinion - otherwise... otherwise... (usually here the convinced begin to nod at “otherwise the whole world will slide into chaos”).

Unfortunately, it won't roll off. He is no longer controllable in the usual sense of the word. He just is.

Therefore, the third contribution to not depending on others is the right to search and make mistakes, to accept beliefs and abandon them. Taking on obligations and (oh horror!) failing to meet them.

If the professor’s opinion differs from yours, this is not a reason to refuse yours. This is a reason to take responsibility for your decisions.

Literally: if you are sure that you actually do not have a tumor, you can take a risk. True, you can. On one side of the scale there will be faith in the professor, on the other - your health, and possibly your life.

Common sense usually wins the competition.

And it has nothing to do with “public opinion”, “this is how it is with us” and other ideological things.

Total:

If it is impossible to “press” you with the most valuable thing - your life, if you yourself earn a piece of bread and have a place to live (even if it’s just a corner),

If you cannot be led on a leash made out of guilt, shame, out of your desire to be loved,

If you are willing to risk the generally accepted “standards” and do something your own way, accepting the result of your “experience” -

then you probably don't depend on other people.

We are satisfied with life when our loved ones love and wait for us and significant people. This dependence can be taken for granted and “don’t scratch where it doesn’t itch.” What to do if it doesn’t give you peace public opinion? Know yourself and make sure you are worthy of love and respect.

It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who thinks what about how beautiful we are, what we are wearing, what we said or did? A famous woman once said: “I don’t care what you think about me, because I don’t think about you at all.” Our contemporary shares the same opinion. American actress Cameron Diaz, who stated that she does not care about other people's opinions, and she will live her life the way she wants, and not someone else.

People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most people need the approval of others, sometimes even those they don’t like. For some, such addiction generally becomes so painful that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias, has mental problems. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the streams of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once stated: “... Believe me, I care what people think about me... because I’m not a robot "

Impressionable people with a vulnerable psyche, and especially young people, are too dependent on the opinions of others. Perhaps they will feel better when they learn about the “18-40-60” rule by American psychologist Daniel Amen, the author of many bestsellers, including “Change your brain, change your life!” He assures his patients who suffer from complexes, lack self-confidence and are overly dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18 you care what others think of you, at 40 you no longer care, and at 60 you understand what others think about you.” They don’t think at all.”

Where does this dependence on other people’s opinions, the desire to please and earn words of approval, sometimes even from strangers, come from?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming your interlocutor and making a favorable impression on him. After all, as they say, “ kind word and it’s nice for the cat.”

We are talking about something else: about cases when, in an effort to be liked, a person says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; dresses not as he is comfortable, but as his friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and stop living their lives. How many destinies have failed because the opinions of others were put above one’s own!

Such problems have always existed – as long as humanity has existed. Another Chinese philosopher who lived BC. e., noted: “Worry about what other people think of you, and you will forever remain their prisoner.”

Psychologists say that dependence on other people’s opinions is characteristic primarily of people with low self-esteem. Why people don’t value themselves is another question. Perhaps they were “shut down” by authoritarian parents or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities due to successive failures. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings not worthy of anyone else's attention. Worried that they will not be respected, taken seriously, unloved and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or to be like those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before they do anything, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”

By the way, everyone famous work A. Griboyedov’s “Woe from Wit,” written back in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who is concerned not with the conflict that occurred in his house, but with “What will Princess Marya Alekseevna say?” In this work Famusov society Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion, opposes his sanctimonious morality.

Let's face it: depending on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have their own point of view are treated with condescension, they are not taken into account and respected. And, feeling this, they suffer even more. Essentially, they cannot be happy because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a feeling of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental anguish repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.

True, there is another extreme: one’s own opinion, desires and feelings are placed above all else. Such people live by the principle: “There are two opinions - mine and the wrong one.” But this, as they say, “is a completely different story.”

Is it possible to learn not to depend on other people's opinions?

As secretary Verochka said from the film “ Love affair at work", if desired, "you can teach a hare to smoke." But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities: they can do a lot, including

1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself

And for this, first of all, it is necessary desire. Writer Ray Bradbury told people: “You can get anything you need if you really need it.”

Changing yourself means changing the way you think. Anyone who changes his thinking will be able to change his life (unless, of course, he is not satisfied with it). After all, everything we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth thinking about what is paramount for us - own life or illusions of other people.

Known for his bright individuality, the artist said that he developed the habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals in his childhood;

2. Control yourself

Having your own opinion does not mean not listening to others. Someone may have more experience or be more competent in some matters. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, the fear of not being a black sheep.

There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact everything has already been decided for us by friends, parents, colleagues. A young man is forced into marriage because “it’s the right thing” and “it’s time,” because all his friends already have children. A 25-year-old girl who studies in the city is asked by her mother to bring at least some kind of food with her to the village during the holidays. young man, passing her off as her husband, because the mother is ashamed in front of the neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy things they don't need and have expensive weddings just to meet other people's expectations.

When making a choice and making a decision, it is worth asking yourself how well it corresponds to our desires. Otherwise, it’s easy to let yourself be led astray from your own path in life;

3. Love yourself

Ideal is a relative concept. What serves as an ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will judge us. There are so many people, so many opinions – it’s impossible to please everyone. Yes, I’m “not a piece of gold to please everyone,” said some literary hero.

So why waste your mental strength on a useless activity? Isn't it better to take a closer look at ourselves in order to finally realize how unique we are and worthy of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a single whole.

A person who does not love his home does not put it in order and does not decorate it. One who does not love himself does not care about his development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he does not have his own opinion and passes off someone else’s as his own;

4. Stop overthinking

Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of others. A married colleague had an affair with a co-worker. No one was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered and in the end quit, unable to bear, as he believed, the behind-the-scenes conversations. In reality, no one was interested in his fate, because each person is concerned primarily with his own problems.

All people are primarily concerned with themselves, and even if someone puts on socks of different colors, wears a sweater inside out, dyes their hair pink color, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention. Therefore, you should not depend on the opinions of others, who are often completely indifferent to us;

5. Learn to ignore other people’s opinions if they are not constructive

Only those who are nothing are not criticized. American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you are afraid of being criticized, then “do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” But we don’t want to “be anything.” This means we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to that with which we disagree, not letting it determine our lives. The famous one, addressing graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: “Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”

Other people's success and popularity often cause envy among people who covet them, but who lack the intelligence, ability, and self-discipline to win them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hateful” opinions in the comments, trying to break and force those who, in their opinion, have undeservedly received fame to “leave”. And sometimes they succeed.

Those who like to criticize, Oscar Wilde wrote, are those who are not able to create something themselves. Therefore, they are deplorable, and should be treated with a dose of irony and humor. As one friend says, their opinion will not affect my bank account in any way.

James RAPSON

psychotherapist

Craig ENGLISH

writer

Nice people do everything too much: they adapt too much, they apologize too much. They float through life, adapting and giving in - in an attempt to please everyone. They strive to please others, even if they ignore or insult them. Such people show anxiety in relationships: through dependence, ingratiation, excessive readiness to bend to other people's desires. They are always worried about what others will think of them. And every time they are surprised when they are rejected. Nice people often suffer from feelings of inferiority and fear of inadequacy. They feel that they have to prove their worth and excellence over and over again, and although they may be quite competent in professional and social life, they continue to be constantly nervous.

Watch yourself

Our primary tool for overcoming anxious attachment is mindfulness practice. Our task is to observe the obsessive thoughts and feelings that arise again and again, and pull them into the light, where they lose their power. At first, awareness increases anxiety. Moreover, we notice that we are still overwhelmed with feelings of unspoken resentment, anger and constant anxiety that we secretly stored inside ourselves. These feelings are so different from the image that we carefully created: nice people not allowed angry or anxious. As children, we learned that negative emotions do not bring us the love we need, and therefore these feelings are not for us. And when such feelings appear, we consider them - and ourselves - bad, disgusting, spoiled, evil. Nonjudgmental mindfulness requires that we learn to observe thoughts, feelings, emotions, and sensations without dividing them into “bad” and “good.” Only by accepting and carefully examining them will we be able to discover their cause, which means we will be able to change them. The habit of judging runs very deep (sometimes we even condemn our own judgment!), and the practice of mindfulness is dedicated to understanding this habit and getting rid of it. Over time, as we learn to pay attention to self-judgment, it will begin to disappear.

Be alone

People who suffer from anxious attachment usually fear being neglected or abandoned. They will constantly sacrifice their time, energy and self-esteem just to avoid being alone. As a result, they often find themselves in relationships that do not bring them joy, playing roles that are harmful to them, even if these relationships themselves do not give them the feeling of security they are looking for. That is why the conscious choice of solitude is an extremely important experience for a transforming personality. If done with care and compassion, loneliness can be a good laboratory for studying emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations and behavior.

One of the main results of a period of solitude is the development of the “loneliness muscle.” If you practice solitude meaningfully and moderately, you will become increasingly comfortable with it, without worrying about your separation from others. The challenge is learning to love yourself the way a caring parent loves their child: unconditionally, no matter what you discover, and as much as you can. An important part of practicing solitude is to develop specific self-care skills. This can be a difficult task for nice people who have long accepted the fact that addiction is the order of the day.

Understand what you want

“What do I believe? What are my values? How should I live? Nice people avoid these three questions if the answers conflict with their habit of adapting to the needs of others. Our whole life - Full time job on the formation of personal ethics. Any situation that requires a person to make a decision is suitable for this purpose. A nice person in any given case is likely to give in to someone else's desires - not because he always agrees with them, and not because he considers such a choice to be correct, but because he is afraid of being the cause of conflict: he takes risks to lose friendship, love or status. A transforming person in a similar situation will look inward and ask himself, “What do I think is right?” These are the words of a warrior.

Don't suppress aggression

You should understand that aggression is part of your personality. In fact, it is necessary for all living beings. Appreciate the determination and persistence with which a raven attacks bread crumbs, a puppy fights with its brothers, and a three-year-old child tries to get attention. Of course, suppressing aggression does not get rid of the passions that provoke it; aggression simply turns into hidden, passive forms. Transforming people are likely to find that skillfully managing aggression brings a lot of pleasure because it also releases dreams. We finally realize our desires, boldly strive for them and reap the fruits of our actions.

Set boundaries

Nice people have a hard time setting personal boundaries, because there is always a risk of offending someone by the fact of their existence. It will take conscious effort in the beginning, but the results will be worth it. Weak boundaries kill relationships and create distrust and disrespect in others. Strong boundaries give you a sense of security and attract other people. If someone tells us that they don't want to be called before nine in the morning, we can trust that information and feel grateful that such a wish was expressed. For contrast, imagine that when asked if we are calling too early, we hear “No problem,” but the tone of voice makes it clear that there is a problem There is. They try to be “nice” with us, but this is not particularly pleasant, and at the same time we lose respect for the interlocutor.

Get rid of illusions

The practice of getting rid of illusions will help people who have embarked on the path of transformation to part with magical fantasies and the expectation of a tragic end, and also see others as they are. Free from illusions, a person will be able to experience more fulfilling intimacy, better sex, and genuine joy in relationships. The basis for creating an ideal is the belief that serving an idol will bring happiness and satisfaction.

Of course, this is far from reality. In this case, no and cannot be true love or fate sent by heaven. No one a real man will not make us whole. This is a task for ourselves. Of course, we will have other people help us along the way - friends, lovers, spouses, therapists, teachers and mentors - but the task of meeting our own needs lies with us. This truth is difficult to accept. At first we resist her by calling on habitual thoughts: “If I am nice enough, she will give me everything I need.” We must remind ourselves again and again that no one person can fill the void in our heart.

Don't be afraid of your dark side

Nice people diligently hide their dark side. The problem is not that the dark side is bad, but that we hate it. Interestingly, the process of studying the dark side awakens exactly those qualities that we want to develop in ourselves. Considering and accepting vindictiveness, weakness and anxiety develops forgiveness, strength and calm. Instead of hating their dark side, transforming people understand where it comes from: it is the place in the soul that has suffered the most. This pain needs care like to a small child who has hit himself and wants to be caressed, distracted, played with, joked with, in short, to be loved. When we become able to have compassion for ourselves dark side, the transformation is accelerating.

Society is structured in such a way that people must adhere to general rules. If one person does something differently than others are used to, he is judged, and this is unpleasant. But still, each of us should feel freedom, express our own thoughts, and not follow the lead of others.

Unfortunately, not everyone is confident in themselves; many are dependent on other people’s opinions. People join the majority, even if it goes against their own interests. But this is not the desire of an adult, but the result of education and imposition. For example, if parents buy things and toys for a child without asking him, or choose sections and extra classes without his participation, then he will never learn to express his opinion, but will be guided by the decisions of others.

Or the child is taught to surround himself with important and the right people. Then he cannot go against it and will support the opinion of his authorities, even if deep down he does not agree with them. Constant reproaches from parents lead to the same result. Then the child gets it quite clearly in his head that he needs to listen to his mother and other people, then no one will scold him. In adult life a person moves on with the same principles in behavior.

How to identify your dependence on other people's opinions

Dependence on other people's opinions can not only cause harm in the real moment, but also ruin your entire life. This is how people get jobs they hate, girls marry the man their parents chose, some give up their hobbies because it’s not fashionable or distracts them from socializing. But excluding pleasant moments from life just because other people want it, you will never find true happiness. Therefore, it is important to learn how to deal with addiction.

How to get rid of dependence on other people's opinions?

Assess the future. Now they may not like your decision. But after some time the situation may change dramatically and turn in your favor. The main thing is to believe in yourself.

Don't get hung up. Now you're worried that someone won't like your new hairstyle or clothes. But remember what your neighbor or colleague was wearing when you were at last time did you see her, how long was the store consultant’s hair, what color was your boss’s hairspray? Don't remember? So it doesn't matter. So why did you decide that others would judge you for a new style of clothing or an “unfashionable” manicure? While you are looking around at others, you may miss something important.

Make your own decisions. Friends will never tell you what is best for you to do. You know perfectly well what to wear when leaving home, where to study and work, how to spend free time. You don't have to attend a lot of events just because others want you to. It will be much easier to live if you do what you like.

Change your way of thinking. Instead of “I'm doing this because someone said so,” think “I'm doing this because I enjoy it and it will help change my life for the better.” Understand that the opinions of others improve the lives of others, not yours. And your fate depends solely on your own decisions.

Why waste your life worrying stupidly when you can enjoy every moment. Wear clothes that you like, watch movies that interest you. Experiment with images, don't be afraid to try new things. Let the rest of you live a boring life, and you will happily remember every minute when you didn’t think about what someone else would say.

“What will others think of me?!”, if this thought haunts every action? First, remember about yourself!

Everyone wants to be loved and is afraid of being rejected. This is fine. But sometimes others' opinions becomes so important that it replaces own desires. A person acts contrary to his interests, changes decisions made, if only others would approve of his behavior. In this case we're talking about not about the natural need for love and recognition, but about real dependence.

And this is what happens if you put first

Someone's mind

When someone else's opinion comes to the fore and overshadows one’s own, feelings and emotions seem to be bound in chains. There is a fear of saying and doing something “wrong”. And without noticing it,person who depends on other people's opinions, transmits managing your life to other people.

This negatively affects many areas of life:

The desire for recognition and approval in itself is natural. But, turning into addiction, it makes a person unhappy. Every time he needs an increasing “dose” of approval. And as a result, the need will never be fully satisfied.

Dependence on other people's opinions

The desire for love and approval and the fear of rejection are normal until they becomedependence on other people's opinions. How to identify it and why is it harmful?

To get started, answer the following questions honestly:

• Do you change your behavior depending on the situation and environment?
• Do you find it difficult to make everyday decisions?
• Do you do things you don't like just so you don't "stand out"?
• Is it difficult for you to understand what you really want?
• Do you keep your opinions to yourself for fear of other people's judgment?
• Have you already thought abouthow to stop being afraid of other people's opinions?

If you answered yes to most questions, then you are dependent on the assessment of others. What does this mean?

1. Loss of control over self-esteem and confidence. You are only happy when others approve of your actions. But you can’t influence other people’s assessments. The boss had a fight with his wife in the morning, and then “flunked” your presentation without even really watching it. It's a relief for him, and your self-esteem instantly drops below the baseboard.
2. Regular violation of personal boundaries. Dependence on other people's opinionsaccompanied by an inability to say “no”. The thought constantly spins in my head: “If I refuse, then they won’t love me.” Therefore you agree to extra work, fulfill inconvenient requests and silently “swallow” grievances.
3. Constant dissatisfaction. By conforming to other people's interests, you feel unhappy, depressed and lost in your own self. We are no longer talking about any happiness or a sense of freedom. In addition to yourself, you are dissatisfied with those around you. After all, they “don’t love” you, violate your boundaries, and your happiness depends on their assessment.

How not to depend on other people's opinions

To don't depend on other people's opinions, realize that you are not responsible for him. If others like your actions, great. And if not, then it's not your fault.

Dependence on other people's opinions

This realization does not come immediately. After all, you for a long time did not know,how not to react to other people's opinions.Allow yourself to move towards your goal gradually and praise each achievement. To get the process going, start with simple but effective steps:

1. Try something new. Most often, the fear of not receiving approval from others coexists with the fear of change. Buy yourself new jacket, which “your mother definitely wouldn’t like,” but suits you very well. Spend the weekend at home with a book instead of the usual trips to a cafe with friends, which you agree to for fear of offending them.
2. Start approving yourself. Write a list of qualities that you like about yourself. Look into it more often and show these qualities at every opportunity. Let them be the “vane” of your self-esteem, and not the opinions of other people.
3. Accept your fears. The fear of not liking someone is absolutely normal. What will actually happen if someone thinks badly of you? Nothing! The world will not end. Accept this and allow yourself to feel fear and anxiety. But at the same time, do what you want, and not what others will like.

By taking these steps, you will shift your focus to what you personally can control. Self-esteem and self-respect will be in your hands again!