Dissatisfaction with one’s own life comes not only during a midlife crisis; almost every person feels it from time to time. In most cases, dissatisfaction is the result of complexes, lack of self-esteem, and most importantly, the inability to objectively evaluate one’s own life. How can you get rid of this feeling?

Reasons for dissatisfaction with life:

1. Inability to appreciate what you have and adequately evaluate your achievements.
2. Inability to fixate on the present.
3. Comparing yourself with other people.
4. Wrong goal setting.
5. The desire to conform to other people's stereotypes and the expectations of others.

Inability to appreciate what you have and adequately evaluate your achievements.
This problem is directly related to low self-esteem and focusing on negative events and aspects. Most of the time a person thinks not about what he already has, but about what he does not yet have, and this is a fundamentally wrong position. The path to getting what you want begins with gratitude for what you have - look at your life and make a list of what is valuable in it - this could be good relationships with loved ones, a loved one nearby, a cozy home, people you help and who love you, health, which gives you the resource for any achievements, etc. Every person has something in their life for which they are grateful. It will be very useful to re-read such a list at moments when you feel dissatisfied with life, or even better, every day, when you wake up (or before going to bed), mentally or out loud say everything for which you are grateful.

Further, if it seems to you that you have not achieved anything in this life, look back 5, 10 years, what were you like then and what did you have? I bet that since then you have come a long way in development, learned a lot and done a lot. Even if you made mistakes, it only made you stronger and gave you new experience. You need to learn to praise yourself for any achievements, no matter how small, and always remember that you are constantly moving forward, even if you don’t realize it. Therefore, it can be useful to look back for a while. Work on your self-esteem, because dissatisfaction with life is very often “whispered” by your complexes and dislike for yourself. Remember that you are a unique person who carries a piece of the divine within you. You can do anything and always make the right decisions!

Negative thinking is inherent in most people, and it is one of the reasons for dissatisfaction with life. By focusing on what is missing in your life, you devalue what is already in it, and over a long period of time this can lead to the loss of the latter. Discover positive thinking.

Inability to fixate in the present.
The ability to always be present in the present is a rare and very expensive gift that is really only achieved through constant training and awareness. Most people spend 90% of the time, if not more, thinking in the past or in the future. Constantly reliving past events, as well as endlessly thinking about what will happen in the future, gives rise to dissatisfaction with life. If a person occasionally manages to be completely in the present moment, he experiences complete, boundless happiness - so why not experience it all the time? Mindfulness training is not easy, but it is worth the effort.

Start by calibrating your thoughts - as soon as your mind begins to wander towards the past or future, immediately bring it back to the here and now. If you eat, eat, don’t do anything else, think only about food and really taste it. If you watch a movie, immerse yourself in it completely. Include every second of your day in practice, and remember: the past is what has already happened and cannot be changed, the future is what has not yet happened, the only thing that is real is your present.

An obsessive feeling of inner

dissatisfaction

For years, people cannot get rid of the obsessive feeling of dissatisfaction; they are subconsciously looking for something, but they themselves do not know what. Let's try to understand this issue.

Some people experience dissatisfaction periodically, while others experience it constantly. In any case, this will sooner or later manifest itself in health conditions. And the sooner a person understands what it is based on and how to get rid of it, the faster he will be able to change his life and get away from obsessive states and bouts of depression.

You just need to understand what exactly you need in this life. Power, importance, money, wealth, philistinism, at a certain point in time fade into the background.

Sometimes slowly, and sometimes through a stressful situation, but still the awareness of the essence of life in general, and not in particular, comes, and we begin to appreciate what is most important in the world - our life, our vitality.

What and to whom do we want to prove?

We have wasted a lot of life force and, you see, the vast majority of it is not for its intended purpose, but simply to please someone, to be good. But no matter how hard we tried, only a few appreciated our efforts, and it took too much energy and effort. Why do you ask? In order to prove to ourselves that others need us? They need it, but they don’t appreciate it.

Often the people around you want to get practical advice from you, a hint on how to deal with a given situation, help, but in return you feel empty, it’s good if they say thank you. And for some reason, in their opinion, you have no right to refuse. They, you see, will be offended.

What is your value?

The vast majority do not appreciate the energy of others! Just use it! And not because someone is good or bad. No! It’s just that since childhood we haven’t learned to appreciate our strengths, talents, and life in the end!

We pay attention to everything around us, try to teach someone, “help” where we are not asked, but we cannot cope with our own bad habits. Why? The answer is simple. We don’t know what it is to appreciate ourselves, our work, strength, knowledge, and invested energy.

The system has raised us this way since childhood. For what? To work and not raise their heads. This is a slave ideology, which contains the principle: more responsibilities and fewer rights.

The system rated us at a minimum, as consumables. Why did we give her this right? Why can’t we ourselves set the real price of our work, our creativity, time, or knowledge? Because we want to be good to everyone?

Or maybe let's face the truth and admit to ourselves,

that they devalued themselves?

It is important to understand that until we ourselves value ourselves, our time and energy, our health and feelings, knowledge, others will not value us. The world around us, the people in it, are just our mirror.

Devaluing oneself is the root of all resentment and misunderstanding on the part of many. I repeat. If a person does not value himself and his life energy, he just as easily and irresponsibly treats the energy of the people around him, their attention, care, love.

Your kindness is just an easy source of energy for them. Do not corrupt people with your “kindness” or “help” if it is not necessary. Give them the opportunity to start doing something in their lives, make important decisions and gain their own experience. Maybe then they will begin to appreciate every day of their lives, or maybe not.

Don't try to earn your "worth" from someone else,

start appreciating yourself now!

Seek, and you will definitely find your true self, your place under the Sun, and not the one that others have prepared for you, how they want to see you or what kind of help they want to receive from you, or generally live at the expense of you and your vitality.

Set priorities, think about who you would like to help and how much this help will change a person’s life for the better, give impetus to his development, and not degradation, as an individual, riding on the swing of your “help”.

Don't corrupt people! Remember that you are responsible for this before the Universe! You came to this Earth to develop yourself and help others do the same, and not to earn “importance” for yourself through praise and helpfulness.

This is very important to understand!

I know that there will be those who will read this text with their own energy and understand it in their own way. Everyone understands it the way they do it themselves! If you have a protest while reading this article, then just think, what is your value in this world? If there were no people around, how would you realize this value? Did you need their significance?

I can ask a lot of questions, but I just want to push you to think about reassessing values ​​and setting true priorities in your life. So that you can finally appreciate yourself.

Not all of us are blessed with the ability to extract at least a piece of ham from any disgusting situation. This is the lot of sages and incorrigible optimists. As the unforgettable Kozma Prutkov once wrote, for some “and bitter horseradish is raspberry,” and for others “and blancmange is wormwood.” Fortunately, there are few such people who are dissatisfied with everything and everyone, but they produce so much negativity that it doesn’t seem like enough.

No matter what others say or do, people with chronic dissatisfaction syndrome do not like everything.

If a person, as the popular song says, “is always missing something,” it means that he simply does not know what he really wants, psychologists say. The lack of clear and specific goals deprives such grumpy characters of the opportunity to enjoy even the gifts of fate.

The lot of idealists and perfectionists

Sometimes the cause of chronic dissatisfaction is low self-esteem: a person is dissatisfied with himself and transfers this feeling to others.

The roots of this should be sought in childhood: if parents are too demanding, praise their child little and scold too often, comparing with other “good” children, the person develops an inferiority complex and chronic failure syndrome. Pessimism and misanthropy are, as a rule, the “merit” of strict and categorical parents.

The syndrome of chronic dissatisfaction manifests itself most actively in idealists and perfectionists. In their claims, fantasies and dreams, such people are too far from reality. Hence disappointment and total dissatisfaction with life.

Reduce the level of complaints

In order not to turn into an eternally grumbling and periodically depressed person with mental disorders, you need to more clearly formulate your life goals and set priorities: what is really important to you now, and what you can ignore. Psychologists also recommend lowering the level of demands on yourself and others: according to the principle from everyone - not to the maximum, but according to their capabilities.

Excessively inflated claims do not improve the quality of life, but they seriously spoil the mood and character.

If you cannot make such a correction of your attitude towards life on your own, you should consult a psychologist. An experienced specialist helps a person understand what is causing his dissatisfaction and gives him practical recommendations on how to cope with the problem. Psychological methods of influence in this case consist of teaching a person a positive style of thinking and perception of life.

This is how modern psychologists see the solution to the problem of dissatisfaction with life.

Vladimir Levi:

- If the task of changing life cannot be solved, then all that remains is to solve the problem of accepting it. And the task of change should always begin with the task of acceptance, otherwise the kitten will be screwed... And acceptance is the clearest awareness possible. Right?.. Twice two is four, I don’t agree with this, but still, twice two is four.

Boris Tsirulnik:

- Our planet is sick. And perhaps the time has finally come to listen to those who teach us to live in harmony with ourselves. Hope must never die. You have to believe in it so as not to become a ghost.

How to learn meekness and humility

But, according to Orthodox preachers, constant dissatisfaction with life is fueled by selfishness, a high opinion of oneself, and pride. Such a spiritually unhealthy person considers himself the measure of everything. He is convinced that he is always right and does everything right. And if other people do not act “as they should act,” he naturally begins to get angry, indignant, upset and indignant.

Faith will help save you from pride and the associated delusions and mental suffering. After all, as the famous Orthodox writer Artemy Slezkine writes: “A believer measures the world around him not by himself, but by God, who commanded to love everyone, even enemies, to forgive any insults, not to hold a grudge against anyone, but to seek peace, tranquility and joy everywhere.”

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Life dissatisfaction is one of the most common problems for most people in almost any society. Many people are constantly dissatisfied and dissatisfied with something, and want their life to be better, no matter how good it already is. Sometimes such dissatisfaction is well founded, sometimes it is not, and sometimes it is simply absurd. It should be noted that not all people can clearly explain what exactly and why they are dissatisfied and dissatisfied. Nevertheless, this problem exists, it is real, not far-fetched, and without any doubt it must be solved. We need to understand why people may not be satisfied with their lives in general and what they can and should do to make their life better for themselves. This question is as difficult as it is interesting, since all people are different and their lives are also different. But nevertheless, I will try to give a comprehensive answer to it in this article, in order, perhaps, to help some of you, dear readers, look at your life with different eyes and learn to receive great satisfaction from it.

At the same time, I want to say that from my point of view, it is useful for a person to be constantly dissatisfied with something in order to have sufficient motivation to strive for more and better. Another thing is that dissatisfaction should be moderate, not allowing a person to go to various kinds of extremes, when he completely unjustifiably begins to consider his life simply terrible and generally meaningless. Therefore, we will not consider the option of absolute satisfaction with our life, but we will approach this issue from the most practical side.

Reason for dissatisfaction with life

To solve a problem, you need to find its cause - we all know this well. In our case, in order to understand what makes people dissatisfied with their lives, it is necessary, from my point of view, to properly understand their worldview in order to find out what the life of these people should be like, from their point of view. So I had to communicate on this topic with different people - with the rich and not so rich, with the poor and very poor, with the healthy and the sick, with people who have achieved something in this life and with those who have achieved practically nothing in it. And guess what? “They were all unhappy about something.” Some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent, but a certain degree of dissatisfaction took place in all cases. These were completely different people who had different problems, different dreams, desires, goals, some unsatisfied needs that they tried with all their might to satisfy. But they had one thing in common - they were all dissatisfied with their lives, and because of this, they were unhappy to one degree or another. The only difference between some of them was that some people realized their dissatisfaction with life, accepted it and came to terms with it, while others constantly tried to find their happiness, somewhere else, somewhere else, in other things, with other people.

So, talking with different people, I tried to understand why they are not fully satisfied with their lives, why they do not feel truly happy. And, of course, they all had their own reasons for being dissatisfied and dissatisfied with something. Some people lacked money to be happy, some needed a loving person nearby, some needed respect and recognition from other people, and so on. When I talked to poor people, they mostly talked about money, which, in their opinion, would make them very happy people, if there was a lot of this money, or at least in sufficient quantities. Then I went to those people who had a lot of money and tried to find happiness from them. Still, these people had a lot of money, which means they should have been happy, or at least completely satisfied with their lives. But no, that didn't happen. It turned out that rich people also had certain problems that prevented them from feeling happy. They might not have a good relationship with their wife or husband, they might be bored, their children might not be what they would like them to be, and so on. In other words, I did not find happiness among rich people. Then I went to those people who did not have all the problems that prevented rich people from being completely satisfied with their lives, and looked for happiness there. But even if I found people who had virtually no serious problems in their lives, I still did not find happiness in their lives, because these people had unfulfilled dreams and desires that did not allow them to feel happy. Thus, happiness was always somewhere nearby, but it constantly eluded people and me. It, like the horizon, was inaccessible to them. And if a person is not happy, then he is not satisfied. He is not satisfied with his life and often with himself. So we can safely say that one of the reasons, and perhaps the main reason for dissatisfaction with life, is the lack of happiness in this very life. Or is it a person’s inability to feel happy. This still needs to be sorted out.

So, when I couldn’t find absolutely happy people who were completely satisfied with their lives, I decided to pay attention to myself. How are things going with me? Am I satisfied with my life, am I happy with everything in it, am I happy? After some reflection, I realized that, to a certain extent, I was also not satisfied with my life, that I also could not say that I was happy, despite the fact that much in my life suited me and suits me. And then I decided to look for the answer to my question not in the external, but in my inner world - I decided to look inside myself to understand why dissatisfaction with life exists at all.

I want to say right away that feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with your life are slightly different things. People feel unhappy mainly when they lose something, and dissatisfied in those cases when they cannot get something, achieve something, or succeed in something. In other words, not being happy and being unhappy are not the same thing. Therefore, you and I will talk about what we don’t have, and not about what we, each of them, have lost.

What don't we have?

And what, in fact, do we not have, what do we lack for complete happiness? Why are we not satisfied with our lives even when we have a lot and have lost nothing? I think I know the answer to this question. Still, in search of happiness and satisfaction, I delved into myself for quite a long time and found a lot. You see, friends, we live in a world in which there are a lot of interesting things that perhaps we don’t really need, that we don’t really need, but that we would like to have. And this desire to constantly reach for something - it creates a certain discomfort in the human soul. Remember, I wrote at the very beginning that a person must feel a certain dissatisfaction in order to simply be alive, in order to want something, strive for something, move for something, in general, in order to be active? That's the whole point. Without dissatisfaction there will be no desire, and without desire there will be no action, and without action a person is not a person.

The trick is that we don’t really know what we want. We don't even know what happiness is. We always want what we currently need or what we simply don’t have. In the first case, everything is clear - we have certain needs and we strive to satisfy them. I mean natural needs. And the rest, what we don’t have, but what we want to have, is the same carrot that should be dangling in front of our noses all our lives. This carrot keeps us active. It is not only an irritant, but also a reward for us. After all, we see our happiness mainly in what gives us pleasure, which, without suffering, over time ceases to be pleasure and turns into the norm, into routine, into a neutral sensation. And when there are fewer bright sensations in our life, then no matter how cool it is for us, for you, you will not be fully satisfied with it. You may not know people who enjoy problems, difficulties in life that make their life interesting, but I do. These people, unlike most other people, lack problems, lack thrills, lack the contrast between good and bad, thanks to which life is perceived more fully. The point is to see the difference between what is and what could be. This difference worries us. It should concern us so that we realize our potential while striving for something else. It is not necessarily that it is different that will be better or greater good for us, the main thing is that it is different. It is important for us that our lives become better or at least simply change, so that we see the best in the familiar.

So it’s not that we lack something, that’s why we are not satisfied with life and feel unhappy. Or vice versa - we feel unhappy because we are not satisfied with life - this is not so important. The point is that this is how it should be. This idea, in principle simple, is not so deep, but very important. Just imagine that in your life you have everything you need, you are happy with everything and you don’t want anything else. What will you do with such a life? Just don't tell me to enjoy it. You won't be able to enjoy it if you don't have an appetite for something conventionally bigger and better, or a fear of losing what you have. It's like with food - if there is a lot of it and it is very tasty, then you will quickly get bored with it. You will either need to overeat in order to get more pleasure from food, or starve a little so that you have a passionate appetite again. Therefore, do not expect that having achieved everything you want to achieve and received everything you want to receive, you will feel complete satisfaction from your life. However, you will still experience a feeling of happiness when you achieve what you dream of, but not for long. For nature, or better to say, life, although it rewards a person for his efforts, it does not allow him to rest on his laurels, but pushes him forward all the time.

The problem of dissatisfaction with life

Based on the above, we can conclude that the problem of dissatisfaction with life is largely a fictitious problem. If we are not talking about the banal survival of a person and the realization of his natural destiny, to which our instincts push us, then everything else, because of which we feel dissatisfaction with life, has more to do with our imagination, and not with real life. In other words, this problem is often not real, and therefore not serious. But at the same time, it makes sense. It helps us understand why we need to live. We just need to correctly understand the feeling of internal discomfort that we experience when we are not satisfied with something. How to do this, how to understand this feeling? It’s all very simple - nature rewards us with pleasure for acting in accordance with its goals and punishes us with pain and suffering for straying from the path we need from its point of view. Therefore, if you listen to yourself, your body, your mind, your inner voice, your intuition, then you will understand what you really need and what you should strive for in order to live in harmony with nature and feel happy. But at the same time, you must understand that you should always strive for something. The problem of dissatisfaction with life will be relevant for those of us who stop and stop doing something. Then such a person will inevitably begin to think about the results that he has achieved and which he has not achieved. And something will definitely begin to dissatisfy him.

Also here we need to take into account another very important point - life does not stand still, it is constantly changing, and we must change with it. Our achievements of yesterday may be completely devalued tomorrow, both in our own eyes and in general. There must be progress in our lives, and preferably mainly qualitative, not quantitative. You cannot stagnate in one place all the time and be satisfied with what you have, with the exception of the most important things for the life of each individual person, his basic values, which we will talk about below. You need to try to somehow modernize your life so that something new appears in it. You cannot always enjoy the same achievements, the same life, the same things. And even our habits, which help us stay in our comfort zone, do not save us from the disappointment that we experience when nothing qualitatively changes in our lives. You see that a person, having received something, after some time ceases to appreciate it and ceases to enjoy it. Even in those cases when he has everything, he is bored and not interested in living the same life. He will inevitably feel dissatisfied if some zest does not appear in his life, if some spark does not arise that brings the desired variety to everyday life. So no pleasure can last forever. No life, no matter how high quality it is, can satisfy us completely for a long time. The carrot in front of our nose, as I said above, will always dangle. And at the same time, there will always be something [dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction, discomfort, pain, difficulty] tingling at the back of us if we stop. You see how interesting everything is in our lives. On the one hand, we have pleasure, which cannot be eternal, but to which we are instinctively drawn, and on the other, dissatisfaction, discomfort, pain, because of which we cannot stop.

I noticed in myself that as soon as something begins to dissatisfy me, the best thing I can do to get rid of this feeling is to start doing something. You can at least just start planning, dreaming, setting goals for the future to keep your mind busy with work. Work heals the soul. So sometimes you need to think less and do more to feel good.

However, taking into account the above, you may ask a completely fair question - how can you understand the pleasure that a person receives from things that bring him harm - from alcohol, tobacco, drugs? It’s hard to call them a reward from nature, life, for a person’s desire for more and better, because these things kill him? A logical question, you will agree. I have a theory about this, which I have already found confirmation in several sources. I believe that for those people who decide to spit on themselves and their lives, nature provides a deadly pleasure, receiving which they accelerate their own, so to speak, disposal. It should be pleasant for a person to do everything - even destroy himself. Then it will act very effectively. Therefore, when you see people who feel happy and satisfied thanks to something harmful to their health, do not rush to think that everything is fine with them, much less envy them. Nature has its own plans for these people, and they are by no means the best. You need to learn to enjoy more worthy things that contribute to the development of a person and improve his life, and do not lead to degradation and death. We all must develop, improve, achieve more, this is what nature, life, and the Universe want from us. Therefore, every time a person stops there, even if he did everything correctly, if he strived for what he really needs according to nature’s plan, he begins to feel discomfort, which increases more and more if he continues to stand still or begins to move in the wrong direction. Therefore, dissatisfaction with life haunts those who, firstly, do not do what they should do, and secondly, stop doing what they should do. At the same time, if a person decides to give up on himself and his life, if he does not consider himself worthy of better and more and therefore does not want to strive for anything, a new road to pleasure will open before him, which leads to the end of his story. This is my opinion on this matter.

So we are very interesting creatures, as you can see. We all want something, and it turns us on, it forces us to move, it forces us to try to do something to get what we want. But there is also something we don’t want, sometimes without understanding why exactly we don’t want it. And what we don’t want also pushes us forward and upward, and sometimes much stronger than the desire to get something and come to something. It happens that a person convinces himself that he does not want to work at the job in which he works, or live with the person with whom he lives, or be who he is. This gives rise to a desire in him to change his life and himself. Our reluctance is also desire, only in a different form. And until we see reality as we want to see it, we cannot be fully satisfied with our lives. The only question is how we can see the reality that we want to see. Should we see it in what we have or in what we don't have? After all, both sides of life are real. One indicates our achievements, and the other our desires. The first should please us, and the second, at least, inspire us. Therefore, the difference between what we see and what we want to see is actually not big, and sometimes there is none at all. Because seeing our life as happy makes us happy, no matter what others think about it. And if we are not satisfied with something and suffer because of it, then isn’t it our own choice, isn’t it we ourselves who make ourselves unhappy, preferring to suffer? After all, you and I can rejoice in what we have, or we can be dissatisfied with it and even hate it. Because we don’t have enough or because we wanted something different. Why is it not enough for us to have what we have, why can’t we be satisfied with it? Or why do we always want what we don't have? I think it would be better if everyone answered these questions for themselves. In the meantime, we can make the assumption that the problem of dissatisfaction with life is subjective. She may or may not exist. Everything depends on us.

If you believe that your life is bad and uninteresting, then it will become that way for you - bad and uninteresting, even if there is a lot going on in it that other people consider very good and interesting. And if you love what you have, then for a while you will feel like a very happy person. So our thoughts can influence our internal state as much as real changes in life. This is another very important approach to the issue of dissatisfaction with life. Let's look at it in more detail.

Happiness is within us

So, above we found out that the feeling of dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction, discomfort are all incentives that push us to change, to improve our lives, which encourage us to strive for more and better. However, there are such things in the life of every person, such, better said, values ​​that do not need to be changed, or in any case it is undesirable, but you need to get pleasure from them in order to be satisfied with your life and feel happy. For example, family, children, a favorite activity, other people dear to a person, places, things, values, which are a kind of life support for him, which determine the meaning of his life - all this can be loved throughout his life. You need to be able to appreciate and take care of all this. And to do this, you need to receive great pleasure and complete satisfaction from everything that is dear and important to you. And this can be achieved precisely with the help of the right thoughts and beliefs. Let's now think about what these thoughts and beliefs should be in order to help a person, if not forever, then at least long enough to appreciate and love what is important and dear to him so that he is completely satisfied with his life, despite no matter what.

I believe that the most important thing that we need to understand is that there is nothing best or worst in this life - everything has its own value, its own advantages, its own merits. In other words, everything is relative. Yes, on the one hand, we need to strive for the best, otherwise we would still live in caves, but on the other hand, there must be some kind of constancy in our lives, some kind of stability, some kind of predictability, so that we had peace in our souls. I know that there are people who do not need this - they are ready for absolutely any changes and, moreover, they strive for them with all their might. But I know even more of those who always want to have something that will remain unchanged, that they don’t want to change under any circumstances. And such people are the majority. We need values ​​that will be ours only, always and everywhere, that will be a reliable support for us at all times. So we need both changes in life and stability. And these things can be combined. Innovative thinking does not contradict conservative thinking, it's all about proportions. A lot needs to be changed, improved, perfected, but there must also be something constant in our lives, a certain core that we will consider our personal value. Therefore, do not compare what is dear, important and valuable to you with anything else. Let’s say you have a loved one who loves you, appreciates you, respects you, understands you - you don’t need to demand more from him, you don’t need to compare him with anyone, you don’t need to change him in any way. Tell yourself - this is my value, and nothing else and no one else interests me. There is nothing better in this world than your value, your happiness, and there cannot be! Accept this thought to realize your happiness. Happiness is within us, because it depends on our perception of ourselves and our life, and not on life and not on those who surround us in it. Otherwise, you will never find your happiness, because you will always doubt that you have found it.

So I am absolutely convinced that our happiness lies within us. In any case, I found it there - inside myself. And it lies in our acceptance, first of all, of ourselves as we are, as well as in our acceptance of those goals, values, people, achievements that we currently have in our lives. This does not mean that it is enough to simply convince yourself that everything is fine with you and that you do not need to change anything in yourself and in your life. And you don’t need to strive for anything or want anything. This suggests that it is very important to appreciate what you have and work with it, develop and improve it, and not ask life for everything else, relying on the injustice of your fate. This is what we have been given - this is what we need to go through life with in order to be satisfied with it. We need to have a foundation in the form of values ​​that are important and unchangeable for each of us, from which we will grow. For on the path of life, each of us throughout our lives will have a variety of problems, obstacles and difficulties, in order to solve and overcome which it is extremely important to always remember for whom and for what you are doing this. Appreciate yours only because it is yours. Don’t think that somewhere there is something better than what is very valuable and important for you, what you have thanks to fate. Don't question your core values ​​unnecessarily, otherwise you will lose peace, lose inner strength, lose faith in yourself. Because how can you believe in someone who doesn’t know his own worth?

You know, some people constantly look for their happiness on the outside, believing that in better conditions, with the best people, at the best time, they can feel truly happy. This is partly true, let’s not deceive ourselves. External conditions determine a lot in our lives. But think about why you don’t now have what you think should make you a happier person? Is it not because you must come to this, having the base that you currently have, is it not because you need to not look for a better life, but create it, and not sometime there, but here and now? Start by appreciating very highly everything that you already have - evaluate yourself, your life, your capabilities, the people who surround you, the life you have. Form, group and polish your value system - it will help you achieve everything you want. It will give you strength in difficult times and allow you to resist temptations that could destroy you.

This is how, dear readers, I found my happiness within myself. And I felt great satisfaction from this. I am still as ambitious as before, I have a lot of plans for life, a lot of goals - operational, tactical and strategic, there are grandiose dreams that I strive to make reality, in other words, I don’t stand still, I strive forward and up, I strive for the best. But at the same time, I really appreciate, love and cherish everything that I have, which is important and dear to me. This is my support, my foundation, which gives me strength and determines the meaning of my life. And when I help people cope with their dissatisfaction with life, I do two things - first I help them realize and very highly appreciate everything that they already have, that belongs to them and is part of their personality, their life, then I help them form their basic values ​​and thus find their happiness within themselves, or you can also say - create it based on these values, and then we just look at what and how they can improve in their life to make it even more interesting, beautiful and happy . As you can see, conservatism goes very well with innovation. You can strive for more and better and at the same time appreciate, love and take care of the most precious thing a person has.

And, believe me, friends, there are no deadlocks. Every person is rich in something, everyone has something valuable and very important to him, and everyone can achieve more and better with the help of everything that he already has. To do this, you just need to decide on the first, most important step and not be afraid to take it. And having done it, go to the end. And then dissatisfaction with life will turn from a problem for a person into an excellent opportunity to make his life even happier and more interesting.

Evelina: I constantly feel dissatisfied with life. My husband says it's noticeable. It became difficult to communicate with me. I'd like to understand what's going on. For example, on vacation I don’t get to enjoy the things I should be happy about. There is always something that irritates me, makes me angry, causes a feeling of protest... At such moments, I feel the need to hide from everyone, to run away. Stay alone with yourself.

Robert Neuburger: If I understand you correctly, the feeling of dissatisfaction most often arises at moments when you do not have any special problems.

Yes. I would even say that it is easier for me to tolerate the presence of problems than the absence of them! Paradox…

That is, when you feel that you have a problem, it just means that you don’t have one!

And vice versa. I'm on vacation with my children, the weather is good... and suddenly I suddenly feel very bad... A vague sadness and melancholy appears.

Can you remember the first time you noticed something unusual was happening to you?

Yes. It started after the children were born, when they were still very young.

Tell us a little about yourself...

I am 45 years old, I am a notary's assistant, I have been working in a notary office for 20 years. I've been married for 18 years. My daughter is 17, her name is Cecile. Son Fuad is 12 years old. My husband is Lebanese, and that's why the children have such unusual names.

What about your parents?

They both died. Mom died 20 years ago... And father died 12 years ago. Mom was 47 years old; she was killed by adrenal cancer, a very rare disease. And my father died in a car accident. I have a sister, six years younger than me.

Have you previously consulted a psychologist or psychotherapist?

No. I was consulted by a psychiatrist. My husband took me to the doctor two years ago because I was severely depressed. But treatment came down to issuing a prescription.

What happened then?

I was unable to get out of bed. I couldn't do anything. I lived with a feeling of complete emptiness. This went on for a month and a half. The treatment helped me. I coped with depression and now I don’t want to go through this disease again. That is why I pay attention to the slightest deviations in my sensations. Then I let the situation go too far. Maybe it was the crisis of a forty-year-old woman? I realized that I had achieved nothing in life. When I was young, I had many plans, for example, I dreamed of becoming a pilot... Maybe it was too hard for me to admit that my dreams would never be realized? (After a pause.) I don't know.

Your reaction was too strong. Perhaps because too many experiences have accumulated. Was your father's death a hard blow for you? Were you very attached to him?

No, not particularly. He was manic-depressive, which made it very difficult to live with. My parents divorced when I was 11. My sister, mother and I moved to another apartment. And it was very difficult, since my mother had one depression after another. It seems to me that she was not in good health since childhood, but after the divorce a real disaster occurred. Mom spent a lot of time in hospitals, and we were raised by our maternal grandmother. Mom underwent a long course of treatment and came to her senses a little, but her health still remained fragile.

You were an older sister, so did you have a special responsibility?

Yes, yes... I always tried not to contradict my mother. I knew that she was very nervous about every occasion, and therefore she tried not to come home late. I listened, watched, but never said anything to her. But for my sister, it was the opposite - as soon as something was wrong, she began to have continuous crises.

And you were reasonable...

Exactly. When I turned 18, I made a friend. We moved in together not far from my house. I visited my relatives. She called my mother almost every day and visited her regularly.

Do your children know your family history?

They knew practically none of my relatives. Sometimes they question me, but I don't go into detail. But they have a very close relationship with their father’s relatives. They speak Arabic fluently and go to Lebanon every holiday. This is one of those big friendly families where everyone gets along well with each other. I have never known such relationships.

You always felt your responsibility as the eldest in the family, who cannot always be allowed to have fun

Is this one of the things you loved about meeting your husband?

Yes, what especially attracted me was that I met someone completely different from me. With a person who looks at the world differently.

Yes, your husband's family history contrasts with your family history. But let's get back to your current frustrations - what bothers you the most?

Something always excites me, I would like to learn how to maintain an even mood.. For example, a few days ago we bought a small car that I had been dreaming of for a long time, we had the money for it... But when I drove out of the parking lot for the first time, I suddenly got scared. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to lead her, I was afraid of this and that... and all this instead of just being happy. I feel like I'm always looking for problems. Besides, I have a hard time saying no. Although with age I have become more resilient. And in her youth she did many things that she did not want to do.

I dreamed of studying literature, but began to study office management, as my parents advised me, although I did not like it at all. I don't know why this happens. Maybe this is some kind of flaw in my personality? My little sister, even when she was young, always knew how to say “no.”

It seems to me, although this is only the first feeling, that it is not easy to be happy if your parents were unhappy.

It turns out that I partially absorbed their fears?

Maybe you have always felt your responsibility as the eldest in the family, who cannot always be allowed to have fun. I think family loyalty also played a role here, preventing you from being happy and even giving rise to a feeling of guilt: “If I am happy, this is not normal, it’s wrong. This is not accepted in our family.” Such feelings are not easy to overcome because they are part of your life: neither of your parents were happy - that means a lot.

Yes, and besides, I kept hearing: “This is not for us.” Everything good was not for us: good professions, beautiful houses, pleasure...

Where did this phrase come from: “This is not for us”? It is very important. What did the parents want to say when they said it - “We must come to terms with our social position”?

Yes, everything is programmed, we should not go beyond the narrow limits of our lives. Yes, this is impossible.

Have you gone beyond these limits?

Not too much...

This is wrong! Maybe not as far as you would like, but you still got out. You have a good relationship with your husband, children, you are not divorced, you are healthy... This is already something!

- (Laughs): Yes, this is not like the life I knew!

To some extent, you have “committed betrayal.” It seems to me that this is exactly what we need to work with. You absolutely shouldn’t keep all this to yourself, much less pass it on to your children. But psychotherapeutic work will not be easy for you, because you perceive it possessively, as something that you need and not others...

After all, if I feel better, others will feel better too.

We find ourselves in an interesting situation: psychotherapy can help you get rid of the feelings that are weighing down your life. And at the same time, something in you says: “Do I have the right to this?”

Basically, I take one step forward and two steps back... Always like that. I inherited a house from my father. I was going to sell it. Now I’ve started to take it, I’m waiting for something... and so... I’m stalling for time, telling myself: “Later, we’ll see.”

Yes, selling your home is an action that can help you get rid of your past. And you say to yourself: “Do I have the right to this?”

P.S

Evelina (in a month):“For several days after this session I felt very good. And then I started thinking: “Why did I do this? Am I going to continue?” The therapist helped me see how my parents continued to influence my life even years after their death. Now this is completely clear to me. But should I continue psychotherapy sessions? Now that I feel unbalanced and dissatisfied with myself again, I don’t want to put up with it. I try to counteract this feeling of dissatisfaction with life that is destroying me. But I find it difficult to cope with myself. And I think that I should continue psychotherapy. But I still haven’t scheduled my next appointment.”

Robert Neuburger:“I was very touched by Evelina’s story. In such a case, the doctor’s behavior may be influenced by the desire to help the person as soon as possible and alleviate his suffering. But in this situation, this would mean completing Evelina’s task for her. We need to help her understand herself better and learn to make decisions on her own. Evelina does not yet know whether she will continue psychotherapeutic consultations. To me it just means that she feels free. She is free to make any choice, including the decision not to change.”

About the expert

Robert Neuburger- family psychotherapist. He heads the European Center for Family Research Association (CEFA)

For privacy reasons, we have changed the name and some personal information. The recording of the conversation is published with abbreviations and with Evelina’s consent.