A person may experience feelings of shame or guilt several times throughout the day.

We reproach ourselves because we got up late or went to bed late, and did not earn as much money as our classmate or fellow student.

For allowing you to eat too much, for not achieving success in your career or personal life, for not finding a witty answer in time, and for much more.

The problem is that it is not for nothing that the feeling of shame is called hidden, because when you are ashamed of something, it is difficult to talk about it, which is why it is so difficult to cope with.

So, scientifically speaking, shame is a reaction to a violation of any norms.

To put it simply, we feel shame because we are afraid of being rejected because we have actually or allegedly violated one or another norm.

Why shame and guilt are not the best helpers

Anyone can make a mistake, but many, instead of simply learning the lesson, continue to suffer from shame and consider themselves worthless people.

Such shame often comes from childhood. From those times when we were told that “you are bad” or “you are bad”, without specifying what exactly we don’t like about us, and without explaining what we need to do to become “good”.

Unfortunately, this is what parents, teachers and other authorities sometimes do.

Therefore, we often enter adulthood with a subconscious feeling of guilt, shame and the desire to please everyone.

Taking into account people's opinions and behaving correctly is important, but it does not mean that you should dance your whole life to someone else's tune.

If you have offended someone and know about it, everything is simple - you need to realize it and apologize.

But you should deal with the feelings of guilt and shame that are imposed on you in order to manipulate.

Step 1. Determine in what situations these feelings appear

The reasons for imposed guilt and shame may be different, but the picture is often similar. At these moments, we often see ourselves as small and defenseless, while disgruntled big people target us with disapproval.

Doesn't remind you of anything?

We come from childhood, and there is often the root of our problems. Deep down, we may still not be adults, no matter how strange it may seem.

While you remain a child on a psychological level, you may unconsciously allow other people to educate and punish you as if they were your parents.

The privilege of an adult is to be responsible for oneself and to be equal to others, to engage in dialogue, to defend one’s principles and one’s right to make mistakes.

Step 2. Understanding our own principles and desires

If you are tormented by feelings of shame or guilt, try to remember situations when you behaved the same way, but did not experience these feelings. Notice the differences between shameful and comfortable memories. Did others think so, or did you think so yourself?

Most often, comfortable memories are distinguished by the fact that instead of focusing on how you look in the eyes of others, you thought about the situation itself, how to fix it, what to do.

Use this experience for new situations!

Without awareness of your own norms and principles, you will automatically try to adapt to others, make mistakes, feel guilty and will not be happy.

Take a simple test

Take a notepad and write down in it what you (namely you, not your mom or dad, friends or family) think about such important issues:

• what happiness and success mean to you;
• money;
• career;
• own business;
• parenting;
• acceptable style of clothing and behavior;
• what an ideal home should be like;
• what an ideal vacation should be like;
• etc.

It may turn out that you received opinions on these issues from someone else. From the environment, teachers and lecturers, from favorite stories and fairy tales, from parents...

And they weren’t even questioned!

But now you have the right to decide for yourself what is considered correct and ideal for yourself.

Step 3. Enlisting support

Find yourself a support group. These could be your loved ones, your friends. Talk to them about your fears, insecurities, feelings of shame and guilt.

Become such a support group for others.

After all, even one kind word can radically change a person.

Step 4. What does astrology say about shame and guilt?

If you too often feel guilty without guilt, astrological indicators may be the reason.

Saturn is responsible for the feeling of shame and guilt in the horoscope.

And the themes of the horoscope house in which Saturn is located can especially evoke feelings of guilt and shame.

Also, the concept of shame can be associated with a weak planet, which is in the sign of its fall. In ancient texts, the fall was called “the place of shame of the planet,” that is, here it is as if it is ashamed to show its nature.

Zodiac signs in which the planets will be in fall:

• Sun - in Libra
• Moon - in Scorpio
• Mercury is in Pisces
• Venus - in Virgo
• Mars is in Cancer
• Jupiter - in Capricorn
• Saturn is in Aries

So, let's summarize

What you need to do to deal with feelings of guilt and shame:

• If you are objectively guilty, then apologize.
• In all other cases, figure out in what situations feelings of guilt and shame appear. Remember similar situations when you felt comfortable and draw conclusions.
• Understand your own principles, desires and preferences. We carry out the test and separate our principles and desires from those imposed from the outside. You have the right to live your life and decide for yourself.
• Enlist the support of friends and loved ones. Form a support group to make changes easier.
• Study your horoscope, work out Saturn and the planets in their fall.

Even if it’s difficult for you now, take the first steps towards yourself.

Allow yourself to be who you are, stop blaming yourself.

And never hang your nose, otherwise you won’t see the sky :)

With respect and good luck,

Many people, in certain situations, experience shame. What's happened feeling of shame why a person feels ashamed and how to get rid of excessive feelings of shame - you will learn in this article.

Shame as a social phenomenon

Look at little children: do they feel shame? Kids are spontaneous and free in their behavior; they behave naturally, without relying on the moral and moral prescriptions of society. Shyness appears later, as they grow up and learn from their parents and educators the rules, prohibitions and norms of behavior in society.

And if a person was often shamed in childhood and was instilled with excessive modesty, then in adulthood he may develop complexes in all spheres of life.
Often, a false sense of shame can have an extremely negative impact on a person’s relationships and interactions in society, leading him to stress, depression, various phobias and neurotic disorders.

This suggests that behind shame there is another emotion, namely fear. For example, the fear of being a laughing stock or a disgrace in a given situation. (example: a girl is ashamed that she has small breasts...)

Shame as a method of manipulation

There can be a great variety of such manipulative appeals to a feeling of shame in a child’s life: from wet pants to bad grades at school... And for many things they say: “What a shame,” or, already in adulthood: “There is no shame in any conscience”...

With frequent shaming in childhood, especially with ridicule of misdeeds, in adulthood a person automatically begins to shame himself - both on purpose and without. Which leads to various psychological and emotional problems and disorders.

The memory of past shame and the fear of future shame inhibit a person’s spontaneity and self-confidence.

How to get rid of shame

If you often experience shame, it interferes with your life and you cannot get rid of it, then SIGN UP FOR PSYCHOTHERAPY and you will solve this problem.

Shame is one of the most harmful and destructive emotions a person can experience. It occurs when people are disappointed with their behavior, comparing it with their own or social norms. Feelings of shame provoke self-destruction and risky behavior, use of alcohol and drugs, and can also lead to long-term physical and emotional problems, including pain, depression, low self-esteem and anxiety. It is important to understand that you can avoid such problems entirely by making a serious effort to overcome shame and learn to value yourself and your own achievements. You are much more than an action once taken, a word spoken, or an emotion that arises.

Steps

Part 1

Stop striving for perfection. Trying to live up to perfection in any area of ​​life creates unrealistic expectations, low self-esteem, and feelings of shame when we fall short. The idea of ​​perfection is a social construct created by society and the media that we will be perfect people if we look, act and think a certain way, but it has little to do with reality.

Down with the constant repetition of the past. Constantly thinking about negative feelings can cause excessive feelings of shame and self-hatred. According to research, constantly thinking about your own feelings of shame causes depression, social anxiety and even increases blood pressure.

Show yourself compassion. When the danger of flashback arises, begin to practice self-compassion and kindness. Become your own friend. Instead of scolding and berating yourself (“I’m a stupid and worthless person”), try treating yourself the way a friend or loved one would. To do this, you need to monitor your behavior and understand that you would not allow your friend to allow such destructive thoughts for him. Self-compassion has many benefits, including mental health, increased life satisfaction, and decreased self-criticism.

Think less about the past. For many people, shame paralyzes them in the present moment; they become restless, fearful, depressed and extremely critical of themselves. It is very important that the past remains the past; it cannot be changed or turned back, but you can change the influence of the past on the future. Be able to overcome your shame and live a vibrant life.

• Change and transformation are always possible. This is one of the main advantages of human nature. You don't have to hold on to the past your whole life.
• Life is a long journey, and you can always recover from a difficult period.

1. Be flexible. Stop reacting to your experiences from an all-or-nothing perspective. This line of thinking widens the gap between our expectations and real possibilities. Stop perceiving life in black and white, when it is often grey. There are no true “rules” of life; all people think and behave differently, creating their own variations of such “rules”.

   Don't be influenced by others. If you have negative thoughts, they may be caused by people around you, even close friends and family. To overcome shame and move on with your life, you should minimize the number of people who “poison” your thoughts.

   • Try to perceive negative statements as weights weighing 10 kilograms. They put pressure on you and it’s hard for you to straighten your back. Free yourself from such burdens and remember that people do not define your identity. Only you can decide who you really are.

2. Develop awareness. Self-awareness therapy has been shown to make it easier to accept yourself and reduce feelings of shame. Mindfulness is a special method that invites you to learn to observe your emotions without escalating the situation. In other words, you learn to coolly analyze your experiences without suppressing them.

   Learn acceptance. It is important to accept what you cannot change. You are you, that’s how it should be. A number of studies show that acceptance helps people move beyond the cycle of shame and begin to live fulfilling lives.

   Part 2

   Increase your self-esteem

   1. Focus on the positive. Instead of wasting time feeling shame for not living up to made-up standards, focus on your successes and accomplishments. You will understand that you have something to be proud of, and your contribution to this world is no worse than that of other people.

      Lend a helping hand to others. It has long been known that those who help others and volunteer have higher self-esteem than others. It may seem counterintuitive that helping others makes us feel better, but science suggests that connecting with others increases our positive perception of ourselves.

   2. Daily positive judgments. Positive judgments are meant to boost your self-confidence and encourage you. Such actions have a positive impact on self-esteem and also increase self-compassion. After all, you don't blame your friends the same way you blame yourself; you show empathy when they feel guilt or shame. Treat yourself the same way, be kinder. Take a moment each day to say out loud, write down, or think about positive thoughts. Here are some examples:

      • “I am a good person and deserve better, even if I have done questionable things in the past.”
      • “I make mistakes and learn from them.”
      • “I have a lot to give to the world, benefit myself and others.”

   3. Distinguish opinions from facts. Many of us have a hard time separating opinions from facts. A fact is an immutable truth, while an opinion is your thoughts based on some facts, but they are not facts.

      • For example, “I am 17 years old” is a fact. You were born 17 years ago, this is indicated in the metric. No one will argue with this. But “I'm stupid for my age” is an opinion, even if you can find evidence for it, such as not being able to drive or not having a job. However, if you think about this opinion more carefully, you can see it in a critical light. Perhaps you don’t know how to drive because your parents have to work a lot and simply don’t have time to teach you or don’t have the opportunity to send you to courses. Not having a job could be because you're looking after younger siblings after school.
      • Taking a more sober look at existing opinions helps you understand that paying close attention to the details can change your attitude.

   4. Appreciate your uniqueness. By comparing yourself to others, you deceive yourself in assessing your own individuality. Remember that you are a unique individual with much to give to the world. Leave the shame behind and shine the way you can and should.

      • Focus on your individuality and the things that make you you, rather than hiding behind the veil of social conformity. Perhaps you like to combine incongruous clothes or listen to European pop music and know how to make all sorts of crafts. Discover these sides of your personality, don't hide them in the shadows; you will be surprised (and delighted!) at what new facets you can discover if you hone your skills and thoughts. Alan Turing, Steve Jobs and Thomas Edison were all individuals whose uniqueness helped them achieve unique discoveries and achievements.
      • Nowhere does it say that you HAVE to look like everyone else, have the same hobbies, or live the same lifestyle. So, no one is obliged to follow fashion in clothing or music, or have a family and children by the age of 30. This is promoted by society and the media, but is not the ultimate truth. Do what you like best and what makes you happy. Remember that you should only please yourself. You can’t escape yourself, so listen to your inner rhythm, not someone else’s.

Rita's problem was her shame, and she was very embarrassed to discuss this problem. She wanted to get rid of this feeling, but before agreeing to use my method, she made me promise that she would not have to tell me about the reasons for this problem.

Most of us have experienced shame in the past and, like Rita, do not like to discuss it with strangers. This is what shame is all about. Shame is a reaction to violation of any food. When we experience shame, we usually fear that we will be rejected, that we will become lonely because we have violated real or imagined external norms. For some people, shame can be triggered by fairly trivial behavior, such as passing gas in public (or even mentioning it in writing!). If a person finds himself in an awkward situation by blurting out something unintentionally, this can cause him slight shame. Misconduct can be much more serious. Some therapists view shame as the cause of many personal difficulties, especially the so-called “codependent” behavior seen in families of alcoholics and drug users.

Ideally, shame alerts us to the fact that we have offended another person, and therefore, if we want to remain friends with him, we should change our behavior. However, many people, tormented by shame, begin to treat themselves as a worthless person.

Fortunately, I didn’t need to know the reason for Rita’s shame at all in order to help her. “What do you need to think about to feel shame? You don’t have to tell me about it, just try to note it for yourself.” Rita's gaze slid down and to the left. She seemed to be looking at a specific point about two feet away from her. Rita's face darkened at this.

I asked Rita a few questions that allowed me to learn how she views “shame.” Rita's face became distorted and tense when she saw this image. When she felt most ashamed, she imagined herself at a table surrounded by people looking at her with disapproval. These people were much bigger than herself. They did not move, as they should have done in real life, but seemed to freeze, looking at her accusingly. At the same time, the picture that appeared before her eyes was dark and foggy.

This is very typical for people who feel shame. Almost all people who experience shame see “big” people looking directly at them judgingly. The picture is usually dark and motionless. If you try to imagine this for a while, you might also experience a feeling of shame.

Knowing the internal structure of the origin of the feeling of shame allows us to somehow correct the matter. To begin with, I asked Rita to remember a time when she violated some norms, but did not feel shame, but reacted somehow differently. When Rita thought about this incident, her gaze slid in a completely different direction: up and to the right. She saw herself from the outside, was able to enter the image and relive what happened. The people around her were moving and were the same size as her. She also noticed that her body was surrounded by a thin, transparent safety shield.

So, now that I know how Rita represents the resourceful experience when she did not live up to another person's norms, I can use this information to change her perception of shame. I asked Rita to revisit a time when she felt shame. “You see everyone around you staring at you. What happens if you reduce them in size? Make them like you." Rita liked this new picture much more. She felt much stronger and more powerful when the people around her became like her.

Now Rita was ready to recode her feelings of shame, which should be coded in the same way as she did with the resource case.

Take this picture and place it at the same point where you saw the base case where you did not experience shame.

“It became brighter and began to move,” said Rita. At the same time, she looked completely different, and her voice became more spiritual.

Those around her no longer looked directly at her, they acted more naturally, occasionally glancing at Rita, looking at each other, etc. When I reminded Rita about introducing a transparent protective shield into this picture, she was able to see a situation that had previously caused her the feeling of shame is completely different.

So Rita felt more flexible now, but it wasn't enough. It is possible that she will continue to violate other people's norms and then suffer the consequences of her action. Because shame involves violating someone's norms, it is important to help Rita determine which norms she wants to live by and which norms seem outdated or foreign to her. When Rita saw the people around her as giants, she was unable to appreciate their standards because she was filled with negative emotions. Now that Rita feels more flexible, it is easier for her to think about what norms she violated in this situation.

Rita, when you now consider this case, pay attention to what norms you violated and for whom it was important. Maybe this standard also corresponds to you? Or maybe it is characteristic of other people and was once characteristic of you in the past? - Rita said that this standard did not suit her.

Then which norm suits you?.. - Rita identified one, but did not tell me it. Then I decided to check whether its norm was mutually binding, whether it resembled the “golden rule”.

Would you like people around you to follow the same standard that you have chosen for yourself?

Rita nodded her head affirmatively. Nonverbally, Rita let me know that her new normal would be sensitive to the interests of those around her.

Pay attention to how you want to act in a given situation, taking into account that you recognize the norms of others, and knowing what life principle you would like to follow yourself. You just need to notice the difference; you don’t have to worry about the life principles of others. You may want to do something to maintain a good relationship with these people, even though they follow different principles in life. Or maybe you don't want anything to do with them. There are many opportunities available to you, and you can certainly take advantage of one of them, and then perhaps you will change your point of view.

Rita nodded her head.

Yes, it seems to me that I want to work in a different situation. I don't want to work with these people anymore. Their life principles are stupid and I don't want to be around them.

Until this moment, Rita considered herself worse than these people, her sense of shame was dominated by their standards of life, although Rita did not agree with them. Now Rita acted with some “superiority”. If she were to return to these people again and act arrogantly towards them, she would make them bitter and then suffer the consequences of this again. Since I didn't want to create more problems for her, I decided to help her come to a response that would be more balanced and helpful.

I wonder what will happen if you think about these people with a feeling of compassion. What will change in what happened if you come to terms with the existence of their life principles, even if they seem absurd to you and you know that your life principles are much better? None of us is without shortcomings, come to terms with their shortcomings, feel a sense of compassion for these people, and be imbued with respect for them. What has changed?

As I spoke, Rita changed significantly. She began to look softer, kinder and more grounded. Given this perspective, Rita may still choose to leave her job, but in this case she will part ways with her co-workers by respecting them as people rather than pushing them away with a sense of superiority.

What we just did resolved a specific situation that was bothering Rita where she did not accept other people's principles in life. However, this decision would be inappropriate if she accepted the principles of life that she violated. If she agreed with these standards of life, then we would like the very awareness of this fact to motivate her to apologize for her behavior, to somehow make amends for her guilt, and then she would be able to maintain relationships with others.

After that, I asked Rita to remember a time when she violated someone's life principles with which she agreed. When she chose an example, I said, “First, evaluate the fact that you were able to notice it. This means the problem is solvable. If you did not notice this, you would continue to act in ways that would interfere with your friendship with these people.” At first Rita was slightly surprised, but then smiled: “Indeed, it is so.”

We made sure that the memory of what happened was concentrated in the same place as the base case - above and to the right, the people around her were the same size as her and were in natural interaction. The transparent shield again allowed Rita to calmly analyze the situation.

I want you to decide what you want to do to follow your principles in life. Maybe you want to apologize or somehow make up for your guilt? What can you do to make the people around you understand that you share their principles in life and are ready to adhere to them in the future?..

Rita thought...

Many things come to my mind, and it seems to me that it will be most convincing if I implement everything that I think.

The look on Rita's face and the way she said it showed that she was determined to make it happen and was planning how to do it. This way I didn't have to help her in this matter.

Not a single person on earth is able to live in accordance with all his life principles, there are times when two life principles are in conflict with each other and we are forced to choose one of them. You are one of those people who notice that they have violated some norm, and in the future change their behavior in order to comply with as many life principles as possible, and not just one norm...

Rita still looked very concerned, so I asked her if she had any questions.

No. I just think that I don't have to suffer from feelings of shame anymore. I can simply discard something as not being meaningful to me, or I can do something to improve the situation. It all seems so simple.

“I understood where this feeling of shame comes from,” Rita suddenly said. When I was little, my grandmother was constantly next to me, shaking her finger at me and telling me that I should be ashamed.

I'm sure you didn't enjoy it. It is possible that you did not agree with some of her life principles, but accepted others. It would be great if you could do what we just did with all of your childhood experiences of shame.

Rita willingly accepted my offer.

If we decided to examine these cases separately, it would take us several months. Instead, I decided to use a process similar to the process of "decision destruction" in order to transform all experiences at once. When I asked Rita where her past was, Rita pointed to the left with her hand. This is where most people keep their memories.

Close your eyes and feel that you have your own perspective and you don't have to react when someone else's life principles differ from your own. Go back in time to any of the times your grandmother shamed you, keeping these new possibilities within you...

You can go back to your earliest childhood, and then slowly move forward in time, noticing how the past feeling of shame changes with your new abilities and perspectives... Move all the time towards the present, and when you find yourself again in it, go further into the future , doing what your new capabilities allow you to do. Rita returned to the present with a smile, pleased with the results obtained.

Despite the fact that Rita often experienced a feeling of shame, she viewed this feeling as something associated with her specific actions committed at a certain time and in a certain place. She never considered this feeling in relation to her own self, in relation to her being. She perceived herself not as a “bad person,” but as a person who did bad things from time to time.

Unlike Rita, Jane, who also suffered from shame, experienced it in a more general form. For Jane, shame was a comment on her existence, on her sense of self-worth, rather than a result of her behavior. Where Rita said, “I’m ashamed of what I did,” Jane said, “I’m ashamed of myself.” She spoke of shame as something that touched her very core. I appreciated Jane's courage to raise this issue in the workshop and try to resolve it.

Normally, I would never think about it and I would never talk about it because the people around me don't do it,” Jane said. - But recently I discovered that I had a problem. Here I feel completely safe and can openly look at what is happening. I can lay out everything that's bothering me and try to help myself.

When I asked Jane how she gets the feeling of shame, she said that she usually sees herself as exaggeratedly scary, deformed, and naked, surrounded by plus-size people who stare at her and disapprovingly. Like Rita, Jane's shame followed the same pattern of plus-size people staring directly at her. I was glad that Jane was able to bring this image into her consciousness, because now we were able to change it and it was worth changing. When I asked her what would happen if she entered this image, Jane told me that the feeling of shame would become simply unbearable.

Imagine yourself naked - this is the most common example of shame: all our shortcomings become visible to others. This is reminiscent of those dreams in which we are among people and suddenly discover that we are not dressed or that we are wearing pajamas. Standing naked in front of people looking at you is a classic perception of shame.

Jane also wanted to gain more control over her feelings of shame.

I have a hard time defining when I don't feel shame. It seems to me that this deformed and naked image always haunts me. I think that only once in my life have I not experienced a feeling of shame.

Like Rita, this case was located in a completely different direction for Jane, and she was also surrounded by a “safety shield.”

I asked Jane to look at the picture of shame again.

First of all, change your image. You are no longer deformed, you see yourself as you really are. You can also put something on yourself if you want, as in normal life you are dressed. Now, looking at this image, notice how your inner beauty glows...

I gave Jane the opportunity to make all these adjustments. After a while she looked satisfied and spiritual. So, she was ready to enlarge her image, thus becoming the same size as those around her. After that, I asked her to move this picture to the direction where the incident was when she did not experience a feeling of shame, and add a “protective shield” to it...

Then I asked Jane to sort her life principles the same way Rita had done.

In our society, each person has different principles of life, and what is inherent in you may not be acceptable for me. From this point of view, think about what norms you would like to follow. Knowing that you can act in accordance with your life principles, you can also modify them in accordance with the consequences of your actions. You will be able to notice when people around you follow different rules, and this in turn will help you decide what you want in any given situation. When others think they have the right to impose their life principles on you, you will notice that this is also their life principle - they think it will be better this way... Decide for yourself what rules you want to follow...

And when someone's principles in life are different from your own, you can still respect them and feel confident because you are confident in your own principles in life...

If you did something that violated your own rules, all you need to do is decide how you should apologize and make amends. There is no need to feel shame. Each of us is capable of making mistakes, and if you are able to notice your mistake, you should be glad, because this gives you the opportunity to correct it. If you don't notice where you made a mistake, you are unable to correct anything and risk losing the friendship of people you value.

I became convinced that Jane had generalized this new perspective of her life principles and carried it into other areas of her life. It was clear that she was greatly relieved to be able to think about herself in a new way.

A month later, Jane reported to me that her “deep confusion” had diminished significantly. “Now that I think back on the things that made me feel embarrassed, they don’t scare me as much anymore. I don't blush anymore and feel much better. I think I need to do something to feel important, but I don't think it's a shame thing anymore, it's a whole other issue."

Shame has very often been described as a “secret feeling” or “hidden feeling.” Shame can be a minor inconvenience for some and a real disaster for others.

When a person experiences shame, he is usually embarrassed about it, and he is not inclined to talk about it. That's why we so appreciate the courage of Rita, Jane and some of our other patients.

Creating the “trusted environment” that Jane talked about makes it easier to find a solution to the problem. One of the possibilities for creating such a “safe environment” is the recognition that no one is to blame. Shame is very often the result of someone constantly telling you: “You are bad,” without telling you specifically what he doesn’t like about you, without letting you know what and how you should do. Parents, teachers and other “authorities” do this, but this happens because they have no other choice. We are all doing our best. If we know how to do it better, we will do it better.

In a sense, a person feels shame because he was a bright student, brought up in an environment where this feeling was instilled in him. We use his abilities so that he can quickly acquire a different idea of ​​himself.

We can help him overcome the most powerful feeling of shame that arises from the fact that a person has only one life principle: “I must please people” - any people! If a person pays too much attention to pleasing others, this will lead him to give in and accept any insults without complaint.

When transforming shame, it is very important to recognize the difference between other people's life principles and your own. You also need to be very careful in deciding which life principles benefit you. By doing this, we build a sense of self, often called self-esteem or personal integrity: “This is who I am, this is what I think is important.” We begin to exist as individuals only when we become independent in this sense. Until this moment, we remain a reflection of another person and depend on him in the sense of our individuality. If you think of Woody Allen's chameleon-like character in the movie Selig, you have a good example of a person who has neither his own personality nor his own soul.

Both Rita and Jane were able to quickly move from feeling shame to a more flexible response. If you've never thought about your own preferences before, take the time to carefully analyze them.

Very often, the feeling of shame is associated with other problems experienced by a person. For example, it can be helpful to work through traumatic experiences.

Of course, it is much easier to get rid of the feeling of shame if you have a person next to you who is trained in this method. But if you decide to use this method yourself, we offer you a detailed description of it.

1. Identify what you think about when you feel shame.

When are you ashamed? It may take you some time to realize what you have to see and what you have to tell yourself to feel shame. Almost every person sees a certain picture in front of him, although at first he is not aware of it. It may help if you ask yourself, “If I knew this was going to happen, what kind of picture would I see?” and then notice what comes to mind.

2. Think about a time when you broke a rule but did not feel shame.

On the contrary, you reacted to the situation as you see fit. Let's call this your "resource" case.

3. Notice the difference in coding when you experienced shame and when you reacted differently.

How are these cases located in your inner space, at what distance from you? Most people see them in different places and at different distances.

Pay attention to the size of the people around you and yourself in these cases. Be sure to take advantage of your resource opportunity, where you are the same size as those around you.

Pay attention to whether you see these cases in motion or as a frozen picture. Perhaps you will notice some other differences.

4. Transform “shame” into a “resource” feeling.

a) First of all, make sure that the one you see in the picture fully matches you in life. If you notice any physical changes, as Jane did, try to make changes to become yourself again, illuminated by the beauty within.

b) Then bring yourself into conformity with those around you, either by enlarging yourself to their size or by making yourself smaller.

c) Change the location of your “shame” image, move it to where the “resource” case is located. Often this action entails other changes in the encoding difference.

d) Make the additional changes required to turn the shameful incident into a resourceful incident. Perhaps you'll turn the incident into a movie, add a piece, or make other changes.

e) If you had a safety shield before, make sure it is present this time too. If you don't find it, you might want to bring it into the picture. Imagine that you are surrounded by a transparent shield that does not prevent you from communicating with others and at the same time protects you from them.

5. Check.

Do you now experience the same feeling in both situations? If not, now find some other differences in coding and replace them in order to complete the transformation of the feeling of shame.

First, ask yourself: “What norms do I violate in cases where I would normally feel shame?”, “If I don’t want to follow these norms, what norms will I choose for myself?”, “I would like those around me to follow these norms.” People?" (a question of the golden rule).

7. Programming your future.

Considering the principles of life of others, as well as those that you want to follow, first decide what you want to do, and then imagine yourself acting in accordance with these principles in the future, when there may be discrepancies between your life principles and the principles of others...

8. Summarize the knowledge you have acquired.

a) First, repeat steps 1 through 7 again, but this time with another incident in which you experienced shame. Most people find that they go through much the same changes the second time around, so the process is much easier and faster. These steps will help you ensure that your brain knows exactly what to do in situations where you have violated someone else's norms.

b) So now that you have transformed the two cases separately, you may be ready to take the knowledge you have acquired and extend it to your past. You can do this if you read the next paragraph and then close your eyes and do everything below.

Think back to the very first time you felt shame. Let's say you were four years old at the time. Now imagine taking your newfound ability to deal with shame and bringing it back to before you were four years old. Then quickly travel through time, maintaining this newly acquired ability the entire time. As you get closer to the present, all your past experiences of shame will undergo changes. Once you are back in the present, look back at the past and you will notice how much it has changed. You can then imagine yourself traveling into the future, feeling how much it has changed because of the ability you acquired.

Shame is a kind of self-punishment, a feeling that we experience in some situations, thanks to the stereotypes of behavior laid down in us. The feeling of shame is supported by the morals we have absorbed through our parenting, reading books, watching films, etc. how to get rid of shame? And is it worth it? What kind of shame do you mean specifically?

Is it possible to get rid of the feeling of shame?

Shame really comes in different forms. Shame, which is born of an unseemly act, is a useful feeling that allows us to determine what is “good” and what is “bad”, based on that very morality.

Recognizing and making amends for your guilt will help you get rid of such shame. And sometimes there is a feeling of shame that appears as a result of complexes; it is difficult to fight such a feeling, but it is necessary.

What is shame

Shame is an emotion that appears in a person as a consequence of his awareness of the inconsistency of his appearance, behavior and actions with the norms and values ​​​​accepted in a particular society. The influence of this emotion on the person himself directly depends on the degree of its expression.

So, for example, if weakly expressed shame can prevent the negative consequences of actions that a person might commit, then strongly expressed shame can lead to him making rash decisions, for example, the decision to commit suicide.

The pronounced emotion of shame entails extremely negative consequences, so it is not surprising that many begin to think about how to get around it. So, can you still get rid of the feeling of shame and in general, is it possible to do this? Most psychologists say it is possible. You just need to follow a few simple recommendations.

How to get rid of shame - depends on the circumstances

· If shame is self-punishment for a bad deed, then you should apologize and try to make amends. Through the experience of guilt, you will understand that you did wrong and you do not want to be treated that way. And an apology will help restore the shaky balance of the relationship.

· The next step is to forgive yourself. This is more difficult than forgiving your offender, but coping with it is necessary to overcome the feeling of shame. After all, you have already learned lessons from what you did; there is no point in tormenting yourself all your life.

· To get rid of the feeling of shame, it is important to fight shyness caused by inferior appearance, disability, poverty and other things from which no one is immune and has equal rights to happiness and a full life. Do auto-training, seek support from a psychologist, love yourself for who you are and know that your self-confidence can work wonders.

· There is another way to deal with such shame. For example, obese people can take care of themselves, go on a diet, join a gym; people with defects in appearance can seek help from plastic surgeons; For people with disabilities, there are various clubs and sections where you can realize yourself, despite the limitations.

Shame, like other emotions, is undoubtedly necessary for a person to maintain harmony and balance within himself. But tormenting yourself with insufficient beauty of appearance, poverty and even limited opportunities is a waste of time.

To get rid of shame, spend your energy on becoming successful at what you like and gaining self-confidence. And your flaws and defects will become the distinctive features by which you will be recognized when you gain popularity.

Advice from psychologists on how to get rid of feelings of shame

Recognize your right to be exactly who you are. The stupidest mistake most people make is that they try to be ideal within the framework of their own understanding, forgetting that other people have their own ideals. Striving for an imaginary image of an ideal person, you only waste your vitality and nerves, accumulate dissatisfaction with yourself and generate a feeling of shame. To avoid all these consequences, you should love yourself exactly as you are today.

Accept all the shortcomings of the people around you. By judging someone, you risk getting into a situation in which you will be judged. And other people’s assessments significantly affect self-esteem and can give rise to the same feeling of shame.

Avoid unnecessary comparisons. In this context, we mean comparing one's own behavior with one's personal expectations or the expectations of other people. By giving up comparisons and protecting yourself from worries about the discrepancy between the values ​​of indicators “should be” and “is in reality,” you will find harmony with yourself and stop feeling shame.

Try to identify a specific reason for the shame you are experiencing. Assess how adequate it is, and if you really have something to be ashamed of, try to correct all the mistakes and mistakes you have made as soon as possible. Look at the problem from the outside, discarding all negative emotions. To get rid of shame, form a clear, objective opinion about the crisis situation, and then mentally create a plan to overcome it.

If you are haunted by thoughts that your shame is unfounded, think again about the event that gave rise to it. Perhaps it is not you, but another person who is really to blame for what happened. Don't take responsibility for other people's misdeeds.

If you feel that you don’t know how to get rid of shame on your own, do not hesitate to seek help from a loved one whom you can completely trust. Don’t keep all your feelings to yourself, speak out, express your point of view regarding what happened. An outsider will not only help you with advice on how to get out of a problematic situation, but will also probably give several arguments in your favor. Be sure to listen to them, they will calm you down and give you strength.

Do not try to get away from the problem that has arisen, make every effort to resolve it. It is likely that to do this you will have to face the situation that gave rise to shame again, face to face. If you want to get rid of the feeling of shame, do not be afraid of it: only in this way can you strengthen your will, fully understand your feelings and thoughts and get rid of shame.

Most often, the cause of shame is a trivial event that is not worthy of attention. If something like this happens to you from time to time, then remember every time that life is beautiful, and such little things under no circumstances should and cannot darken it.

5 main ways to get rid of shame

Shame is an extremely unpleasant but familiar emotion. Shame arises unexpectedly in a variety of situations, and also has a huge number of manifestations and shades. In this article you will find some basic tips on how to cope with shame.

Our society often uses shame as one of its educational levers. Almost every person in his childhood was faced with the phrase “Aren’t you ashamed?!”, which was usually followed by: “What will people think of you?” This is where the emotion of shame originates.

It is not difficult to notice that behind shame quite often there is fear: the fear of appearing unattractive, of becoming rejected, in general, of being expelled from society.

Shame can be very strong and not too strong; as a rule, its degree depends on a certain situation and on the character traits of the person being ashamed. In other words, the more dependent a person is on the opinions of others, the stronger his experience of shame will be, and the more he will try to avoid “shameful” situations. There is always a reason to be ashamed, so such people become timid and withdrawn.

Shame, as a rule, is an extremely harmful emotion, preventing the development of creative individuality, shackling a person’s personality within the framework of conventions. For this reason, you can use a few general tips on how to get rid of feelings of shame.

It is necessary to determine the causes of shame. It will not go away on its own until you can understand why you are ashamed. To get rid of shame, try to break down a complex problem into smaller ones to make it easier to deal with them.

Try to find the person responsible. It is possible that your shame is unfounded. If you want to get rid of the feeling of shame, you shouldn’t take on everything at once. Perhaps there is a person who is really to blame, find him and free yourself from the burden.

Abstract yourself. You need to try to look at this problem from the outside, while sweeping aside any negative emotions. Try to form an objective and clear picture of the situation, and then make a plan to overcome the crisis.

Ask for help. If you cannot solve the problem on your own, ask a close, trustworthy person for help. To get rid of feelings of shame, do not keep your emotions to yourself, try to speak out. There will definitely be some arguments that justify you, it’s worth listening to them.

Overcome shame. Don't try to run away from the problem, it's better to face it directly again. This will help you in the fight and strengthen your will. It is possible that later the same situation will not cause you such strong feelings.

Remember that life is beautiful and many little things are simply not worth your attention. If you cannot get rid of the feeling of shame on your own, it makes sense to consult a psychologist.