A teacher at school asks:
- Children, do you know that there are people who are more pleased to give than to receive?
Vovochka:
- Marya Ivanovna, my father always does this!
- What a good man your dad is!
- Yes, he is a boxer!
“It’s getting colder...” thought the Wolf, and pulled Little Red Riding Hood up to her ears.
Stirlitz, you wrote a statement in Russian. You are a Russian spy!
- What is written there?
- That I'm a complete idiot!
- Happy April 1, Muller!
What is the difference between Chapaev and Chubais?
- The first one drowned, but the second one does not drown.
The prince comes to the king and says:
- Here is the head of Zmey Gorynych.
And the king told him:
- Well, as promised, here is the bride's hand.
Lieutenant Rzhevsky is having lunch with Natasha Rostova. Natasha suddenly says:
- Lieutenant, your passionate gaze burns my heart.
To which Rzhevsky:
- Fool, take your breasts out of the soup.
Physics teacher asks a question:
- What state is water in? Answer, Vovochka.
- In a carbonated one.
Vasil Ivanovich! Isn't it time for us to have a drink?
- You, Petka, can skip as you wish, and I’ll drink.
Vovochka pulls a condom over her head. He's torn. Vovochka curses and tries to put on another one. That one is also torn. Vovochka:
- I’ll still dress up for the New Year!
As you know, “women love with their ears,” so the best woman is Cheburashka!
“Now, I’ll return to my homeland, I’ll get myself a plot of 6 acres, I’ll build a shed...” Stirlitz thought as he approached a two-story mansion in the suburbs of Berlin...
What is an "excited bun"?
This is Chupa Chups caramel!
Vinny, are we going to eat today?
- Only those who have a plate and cutlery will eat.
- Hooray! I just have the cutlery and I’m sitting on such a wonderful plate.
One day, Watson decided to wean Holmes from the bad habit of smoking a pipe. Every evening he picked his ass with a cigarette holder. As a result, Holmes never quit smoking, but Watson could no longer live without a pipe.
Malvina, completely drunk, crawls into the men's room and sees a man with his pants down:
- Oh, Pinocchio, hello! Why are you hanging your nose?
When Gerasim came to a shelter for homeless dogs, only a diver dog agreed to live with him.
The evil old woman Shapoklyak nailed Cheburashka to the wall. This is how the saying “Walls have ears” was born.
Winnie the Pooh walks through the forest and carries a handful of marijuana in his palms. He meets Eeyore. He approaches him and says:
- Well, Eeyore, let’s blow?!
Eeyore blows on his palms.
Winnie the Pooh, in hearts:
- Well, he’s a real donkey!
A great drought has come to the jungle. Yesterday we celebrated Mowgli's birthday.
"Just don't hit me in the kidneys!" - a drunk Buratino shouted at the police.
When their eyes first met, Anatoly was confused. Either because he fell in love, or because he was shitting behind the garage at that moment...
During his sexual maturity, Mowgli often strangled the snake, which greatly embarrassed Kaa.
The matured kolobok grew kolobok hair.
Watson, I look at you and think... Are you gay?
- But... but how did you know, Holmes?
- Did you find out? I just asked.
Teacher in class:
- According to statistics, every second woman cheats on her husband...
Vovochka:
- Statistics don't interest me! Come on, names, addresses, phone numbers...
Petka and Anka are swimming in the river. Petka suggests:
- Let's play sea battle. You will be a cruiser, and I will be a submarine. Just crazy! Don't bite the periscope!
18 years:
- I won’t marry Petka! He is pimply, protruding and skinny as a stick! Plus he's poor!
25 years:
- Well, okay, I’ll marry Petya if there are no other options.
32 years:
- Petya, I beg you, marry me!
Tell me, my friend Volka, who is that running around in my pants and whistling?
- Remember, Hottabych, where did you send the referee and the traffic cop yesterday?
In fact, Tolstoy did not conceive the fairy tale about Pinocchio as a children's tale at all.
And what Papa Carlo painted on canvas was not a hearth at all.
And Buratino didn’t even pierce this canvas with his nose...
******
Lieutenant Rzhevsky was kicked out of "House-2" for being an intellectual.
Grandmother and grandfather found magazines with buns under the pillow under the bun.
One day the bun decided to do hara-kiri. This is how the hamburger was born.
Vodka "Buratino" - feel like firewood...
Vovochka, what did dad say when he fell down the stairs?
- Is it possible to repeat obscene words?
- Of course not.
- Then nothing.
Two Chukchi are talking.
- Yesterday I found 10 bucks, however.
- Well done, though.
- But I threw them away.
- Why?
- However, it’s fake! Where have you seen a ten followed by two zeros?
Mom, why did the wolf eat not Little Red Riding Hood, but grandmother?
- Sleep, daughter... maybe he wanted some dried fruit...
A strong wind was blowing and Cheburashka was brutally beaten by his ears.
Ivan Tsarevich stands at a crossroads, sees a stone, and on it is written: “No options.”
Petka came to Chapaev and asked what logic is? Chapaev sends to Furmanov.
- Furmanov, tell me, what is logic?
- Well, look. Do you have any matches?
- Eat.
- So you smoke. Well, if you smoke, that means you drink, and if you drink, then you fool around with girls, is it logical?
- Logical.
- Well, do you understand now?
- Understood.
Comes to Chapaev. Chapaev asks him:
- Well, did you find out?
- I found out.
- So what?
- Do you have matches?
- No.
- Well, that means you are homosexual!
A man stands in his underpants in front of the mirror. He turns this way and that, straining his biceps and triceps, pulling in his stomach, all the while muttering smugly:
-What a schmuck! Well, what a schmuck I am!
Wife from the next room:
- Idiot! How many times to repeat not schmuck, but macho!
Two drunks are walking. One wanted out of a small need and, being unable to do so, asked his friend to help him. He reached out with his hand in the right direction, but got into his pocket and pulled out a cucumber. Frightened, he whispered:
- Vasya, I’m sorry, dear, I think I tore you off...
To which the friend replied:
“That’s what I feel: the blood is gushing down my legs!”
Train accident. A special train carrying deputies derailed. When rescuers arrived, they discovered that local residents had managed to bury everyone.
- What, everyone died?
- Yeah. Some, however, tried to convince us that they were alive, but you know politicians, they always lie.
Sun!
- What about the cat?
- Little fish, make breakfast.
- Of course, little bear.
- Thank you, swallow.
- You're welcome, goat.
- I love you, pussy.
- I love you too, bunny.
- Wait a minute! You don't remember my name either?
Donald Rumsfeld and Colleen Powell are sitting in a bar, a guy comes up to them and
asks:
-Are you really Powell and Rumsfeld?
“Yes,” Powell replies.
“Wow,” says the guy, “what are you talking about, I wonder?”
“We,” says Powell, “are planning a third world war.”
- Yes? So what will you do?
“We will kill 10 million Afghans and one mechanic,” Powell replies.
“Oh, damn it,” the guy is surprised, “why do you need to kill a mechanic, maybe you don’t need to?”
Then Powell turns to Rumsfeld and says:
- See, Donald, I told you, no one gives a fuck about these 10 million
Afghans.
For decades, the CPSU told the people that capitalism is theft and banditry. And then Gorbachev said: comrades, we must all become capitalists. They understood him accordingly.
Is it possible to build communism in Israel? - Why does such a small country need such great happiness?
Why were Andropov and then Chernenko unanimously elected at Politburo meetings? - because Andropov had the worst kidney analysis, and Chernenko had the worst cardiogram.
The husband caught his wife with her lover: “If I weren’t a party member, I would have broken all your ribs!” If I weren't a party member, I would throw you out of the window! - the husband shouts.
- Glory to the CPSU! Glory to the CPSU! - the wife raises her hands.
There is a poster across the street: the party was, is and will be!
My differences with the Bolsheviks are only on the agrarian issue,” says Rabinovich.
- They want me to lie in the ground, and I want them to lie in the ground!
What is the difference between “truth” and “news”?
- There is no news in “truth”, and there is no truth in “news”.
The newspaper seller shouts:
- There is no “truth”! "Soviet Russia" is sold! All that's left is "Trud" - three kopecks!
At the meeting they announce: “Tomorrow every tenth person will be hanged.”
One citizen asks: “Should I bring the rope with me or will the trade union provide it?”
NEP. Rabinovich was invited to the Cheka:
We are building socialism, but we have financial difficulties, and we are counting on you, Comrade Rabinovich. Surely you have gold hidden. Hand it over.
I have to ask my wife.
The next day he was invited again:
What did your wife say, Comrade Rabinovich?
Let me tell you a few anecdotes. Although... I’m not at all a fan of telling jokes, and I’m not even a fan of listening... actually, either... But the reason is very simple:
– You need to be able to tell jokes! Definitely know how! Otherwise... Otherwise, they turn into incredible boredom, which you also need to listen to the end of, - al:
– You listen and listen to the same thing, and the same thing...
I will not be an exception... I will tell you anecdotes that I have heard many times. Even so many times... Yes, you can imagine that you haven’t forgotten yet, as usually happens with all jokes. Well... that we haven’t forgotten... it’s also... possible because...:
– They were terrible... It’s good, how can you remember it like that!
True... The beard of these anecdotes is so big... So big... that perhaps they disappeared in memory, behind this beard.
And if... they took refuge in the dense wilds of an ancient beard... Then this... This already gives me the opportunity to tell them... After all:
– I always remake everything in my own way!
In a word... Bearded jokes:
First joke:
Sarah... Oh, Sarah... Drunk, yes drunk. In the insole, every day! Well, everyone! With friends, yes with friends! Drunkards, get up to her!
Pay home... No, all with the drunks!
Poor Abram... Yes, Sarah is on a rampage! He does violence!
Abram couldn’t stand it... How can you stand it here... Says to Sarah:
– You’ll come with a smell... I won’t open the door! I won’t open it as it is! Go to your drunks!
Sarah... Naturally Sarah, without water, and drunks... Well, how is she without this?!
I drank, of course! It goes without saying that I drank... Yes, I drank! Only..., the balls are spinning:
– Abram won’t open the door... Surely he won’t open it...
But nothing... She came up with...:
“I ate enough garlic, onions, and everything else..., to put it mildly, specific,” he thinks:
– Abram won’t smell it! No way, he won’t smell it!
I went up to the door of the apartment... And Abram was indeed barricaded... Oh, how, he was barricaded. She:
- Open up, Abram!
Abram:
– Blow into the crack of the door... If I’m sober, I’ll open it.
Well, Sarah... I'm prepared...
She blew into the crack... And Abram:
– Stop joking Sarah! Blow with your mouth!
Second joke:
Petka... He walks along, Petka. Whistling something under his breath...:
– What else does he have left...? Anka, only her machine gun... Yes, she loves him..., she loves her machine gun most of all... But then... But you can whistle odes about the World Revolution...
Meets Petka Furmanova...:
- This is necessary! Petka was whistling in thought, and here... Furmanov!
Furmanov Petka:
- Stop! We need to check your IQ!
It can be noted right away... That Furmanov himself did not know what IQ was. Nobody knew what IQ was back then. But! Furmanov, he saw everything in advance. Nobody knew, but he foresaw!
Petka was confused...:
- What, what...?
Here Furmanov forgot what he never knew. But he continued:
- A-gu-gu yours, we need to check it. Solve the riddles I ask.
Petka, now with a more intelligent look:
- Well... a-gu-gu, that’s understandable... Make a guess, Comrade Furmanov!
Here's your first riddle:
“There are no windows or doors, the room is full of people.”
Petka:
- It seems to me... It seems... This is... well.
Furmanov angrily:
- How can you! What are you saying? This is a cucumber!
Okay... Here's the second riddle:
– Two ends, two rings, a screw in the middle.
Petka joyfully:
- That's exactly it! Exactly, w...ah!
Furmanov furrowed his eyebrows:
- Petka... These are scissors! Go read some propaganda... Oh...! Study the propaganda posters! Raise your a-goo-goo!
Petka, straight to Chapaev:
- Vasily Ivanovich...! What riddles do I know...! Furmanov taught! And you...? You...? Can you guess it?!
- Come on Petka, your riddles... Now we’ll figure it out, - Chapaev... Chapaev, he’s always ready for anything!
“Here...” Petka took a deep breath into his chest and babbled enthusiastically:
- There are no windows or doors, it’s full of cucumbers!
Chapaev was puzzled...:
- No Petka, I don’t know... Eh..., I need to study... Study...
Petka:
- Here I am, I don’t know... But Furmanov says that these are scissors...!
Third joke:
Abram... Abram was a stingy guy. He’s so greedy for everything that he’s just wow... There are no words for how greedy he is.
Only... He decided to get married...
He looked closely for a long time... Long, long...
I finally saw enough of the girl Mashenka. So tiny and transparent... I invited her to dinner. And Mashenka... Well, nothing... You can say this:
– Nothing at all, doesn’t eat.
Abram asks:
- How do you even live if you don’t eat anything at all?
Mashenka answers:
“I live only by air.” Only by air.
Abram... Of course, I immediately thought to him:
- This is good! How much I'll save! Wow... Only with air...
They played a wedding with honor. They began to live together.
And Mashenka... Oh, how gluttonous she has become! Never seen the world before, such a glutton!
Abram... Well, Abram... asks her:
– You said that you live on air... So how...?
And Mashenka calmly answers:
- Yes! I lived on air alone. But, we got married. You! You pierced me. So the air came out!
Fourth joke:
Two girlfriends met. Already at the age... In general:
- Two girlfriends, two old ladies.
Oh, what am I saying?! No, you can’t do that about women. Better to say...:
- At an age..., respectful...
Well, we talked... We talked about this and that... We talked, discussed, condemned... Condemned..., it is clear that not everything, but only the current...
But, here... Here! One of the girlfriends... sadly... asks the other:
- How are things going with your grandfather...? Do you understand... is there something I'm asking...?
Girlfriend... Girlfriend, I understood everything right away! Well... and he says cheerfully:
- Everything is fine! I can even say... that sometimes it’s too much, these frets! - here she looked carefully at her interlocutor:
- Eh... You don’t look so good... Not at all, not so good! It’s clear... Yes..., how could it not be clear...,” she then immediately gives advice:
- Listen... I bought my grandfather soap... Soap..., with the name “Furious Stallion”. Another soap, I hid everything. And to wash him... Yes! I always make sure he washes and washes himself! Well... Everything is fine with us. Wow, okay!
As they said goodbye, then the one... who... these frets were forgotten..., long forgotten, went straight to the store!
The next day, they met again. Adviser to her friend:
-What are you...? You have an even more beautiful video... Let me tell you! Come on, tell me quickly!
Ta..., began her story...:
– I went to the store... I asked, asked..., but they didn’t have the “Furious Stallion” soap... Then... Then, I bought soap..., which is called “Children’s”..., – Think:
- Eh, make my grandfather a little older! Oh, I need to reset it! But, I wanted... I wanted to throw off many years at once... I think “Children’s” is just right, so that right away... - the interlocutor impatiently:
- Oh well! - so further:
“My grandfather... My grandfather, he began to suck my breasts...,” the listener’s eyes lit up:
- Let's! Come on, move on!, well... he goes on:
- Here... He sucked my breast, sucked... Then... Then, he took it and peed himself...
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Bearded joke
Material from the Encyclopedia of Anecdotes, a free online encyclopedia from the Anekdot.me site.
This document is subject to meaningful analysis using the head, because vaistenu.
Bearded joke- a common expression meaning an old, hackneyed, time-tested joke. Telling bearded jokes is considered bad manners, since most likely almost everyone in the company knows it.
Examples of using the expression
Arkady Timofeevich Averchenko in his story “The Art of Telling Jokes” writes:
...Six people were sitting at the table - three actors, two journalists and a lawyer. I sat down next to them and began telling jokes - all the ones I knew.
And after each joke, those present took white handkerchiefs out of their pockets and applied the ends to their ears, so that all their faces were bordered with white handkerchiefs.
In the end I couldn’t stand it anymore and asked:
What does it mean?
This? White beard!
All the jokes you tell are so old they have gray beards!!!
It was very disappointing.
- According to one version, the expression “Bayan” is an abbreviation of the phrase “A bearded joke, clearly boring.”
Notes
Unfinished article
This Encyclopedia of Jokes article is not complete. You can help all of humanity by finishing it.
In the circle of attention of any company there is a person who knows how to tell interesting stories, for example, an interesting historical fact, a scary story or an anecdote. What is a short funny story in the literary sense, and what jokes did Pushkin tell? Let’s try to look at it together. In addition, we will try to understand how to study the history of Russia using political jokes, and when a joke grows a “beard”.
What is a joke?
You can find the meaning of the word in almost any encyclopedia. An anecdote is divided into two types. In the first sense, it is a short funny story with an unexpected witty ending. All thematic jokes are classified as this type (about Vovochka, about mother-in-law, about blondes, about school, and others). Such stories are classified as urban folklore. Usually jokes are not written down, but memorized and passed on orally. The events in these stories are most often insignificant, and the heroes are common characters (husband, director, girl, Russian, American).
The second type includes a historical and biographical anecdote. What a joke is is not difficult to understand. Typically, an anecdote is a short story about a historical figure or event that occurred. This type is classified as a literary genre. Moreover, such an anecdote is not always funny; often it is just an instructive story. Short stories can be completely fictional, true and based on real events.
History of the joke
In the 18th century, Russian nobles chose France as their fashion standard. It is from there that the joke came to us in literary meaning. What a short funny historical plot is, of course, was also known before that time. But it was in the 18th century that the joke gained its real popularity.
If the French simply told funny stories from the life of princes that happened to them during social meetings and at balls, then in Russia the list of topics was expanded, thereby improving the genre. A noble joke could teach:
- patriotism;
- courage;
- courage;
- self-irony.
For example, there was a joke about Prince Bagration, who had a fairly large nose. When they came to tell him that the enemy was “on our nose,” he replied: “If it’s on yours, then yes, close. If it’s mine, I’ll still have time to have a bite.” It is known that representatives of high society had a lot of jokes in stock. A smart person could always tell several new stories at the ball.
During the time of Pushkin
At the beginning of the 19th century, the meaning of the word “anecdote” was already fully formed. In Pushkin's time, funny stories were treated with reverence and respect. The “Golden Age” of Russian literature was not complete without cultural anecdotes. Stories were told about kings, writers, military leaders, noble families. Alexander Sergeevich was both the hero of other people's jokes and a master at telling his own jokes. The characters in Pushkin's comic stories often ended up becoming heroes of works of art. For example, in the joke “Notes on a Riot” there is a character Shvanich, who in “The Captain's Daughter” turned into Shvabrin.
However, after the Decembrist uprising, attitudes towards the nobility changed. His culture began to depreciate. In particular, the literary genre of short funny stories has become a thing of history. And folklore jokes came to the fore. It is in this form that we know the modern joke.
Political jokes
Among the huge number of jokes on various topics, a political joke stands out. Its importance is difficult to overestimate. From these short stories, our contemporaries can easily study the history of Russia and the Soviet Union.
As you know, such jokes were forbidden for a long time. For them one could get a real sentence in prison. This did not stop people from making up a huge number of jokes. The history of political jokes begins with Lenin. They ridiculed the personality of the “leader of the world proletariat”, the October Revolution, and slogans. Next in line was Joseph Stalin. Jokes are written about him to this day.
